12.21.2009

And you can't get pregnant from doing it in the butt. Or in a hot tub. Or on even-numbered days.

So I've mentally checked out for the week. Anybody else? Yep. Thought so. I think it's time for a Q&A from old Doc Reuben. HUZZAH!

Why should anyone make his own condom?
A man on a camping trip with his wife, a fellow suddenly finding himself in a motel room at one a.m. with his girl friend, a college student in the back seat of a car—if they have not been foresighted—may find themselves ill-equipped for a night of love. American ingenuity being what it is, they make do with the materials at hand. A motel room has plenty to offer. Those plastic bags they wrap the drinking glasses in give some protection. They may be a little wide and a little short, but they are better than nothing. After an evening's celebration, many a couple has kept sperm and egg apart with a hastily-inflated party balloon. Even the kitchen can occasionally save the day (or the night). A housewife describes it:
"Well, I told Joe he was running low on protectors but he didn't believe me. We were in bed last night and all set to make love. He opened the drawer on the bedside table—that's where he keeps them—and all he had was an empty box. I wasn't going to be let down again! I got up, went to the kitchen and started looking around. The first thing I saw was a box of Saran Wrap. Well, I tore some off, got Joe to wrap it around his organ and we went right ahead. In the ads it says, 'Keeps things from spoiling!' Well, it worked—it kept Joe from spoiling my evening!"

------

As per usual, I'm so overcome with confusion and terror by Dr. Reuben's thought process that I don't even know where to begin. So let's just pick a point and jump in, shall we?

1.)
First and foremost, I love that I sat down, opened the book and landed on this Q&A. This book, if nothing else, is consistently ass-backwards and hilarious. It's the one thing in this world I can always count on.


2.) I fully expected the next question to be, "But makeshift condoms don't protect from STDs or unwanted pregnancies, do they?" or something, but it wasn't. Instead he goes on to talk about operations for birth control. This means that it is Dr. Reuben's honest medical opinion that if you can't manage to convince your husband that he's out of condoms, just wrap the nearest semi-translucent material you can find around his cock, secure it with a scrunchie and you're in like Flynn!

3.) Which means, according to Dr. Reuben's flawless logic, that homosexuality makes about as much sense as a donkey playing poker but sperm don't stand a chance against the extreme barrier that is a loose sandwich baggie and a pair of crossed fingers? Fabulous. I want to live in this man's world.

4.) I now exclusively refer to condoms as "protectors" and penises as "organs." So if anyone would like to put on a protector and slip me their organ; I'm open for business.

5.) "Those plastic bags they wrap the drinking glasses in give some protection."
Well that's a liberal statement if I've ever heard one. Because those plastic bags offer the same amount of protection that hiding under your desk during a nuclear attack offers: none.

6.) "They may be a little wide and a little short"
God willing.

7.) "After an evening's celebration, many a couple has kept sperm and egg apart with a hastily-inflated party balloon."
First of all, no couple has kept sperm and egg apart with a hastily-inflated party balloon. Let's just get that clear right off the bat. Secondly, why are you hastily inflating the balloon? If we, as a team, are so dedicated to using "protection" that you're willing to inflate a party balloon over your dick and I'm willing to get fucked by it, I'd like to think we'd want to take our time and make sure there are no tears or breaks in it, thank you very much. Finally, if I were the gentleman in this situation, I'd imagine any pleasure derived from the sensation of making love to my wife would be immediately canceled out by the sensation of the rubber band from a balloon being around my dick. Because Lord knows it was not made for penises—it was made for constricting air-flow completely to keep a fucking balloon inflated. But then again, I'm not a doctor so what do I know?

8.) Dr. Reuben loves a good first-person account almost as much as I love a Zack Morris time out.

9.) Why doesn't Joe believe his wife when she tells him he's out of protectors? Why would she lie about that? Is she stockpiling condoms to resell and make a buck off of? Because if so, that's a smart woman right there and I'd knock her up and tie her down as soon as humanly possible. Fuck the Saran Wrap. And speaking of the Saran Wrap! Call me reckless, but if it's between Saran Wrap or Pull & Pray—I'm going Pull & Pray every time. They're both equally as effective and one is just genuinely more comfortable for all parties involved.

10.) "I wasn't going to be let down again!"
Oh Joe...not only can't you keep a box of condoms adequately stocked, you can't even satisfy your wife. And now she's gone and blabbed about it to Dr. Reuben! And it's 1969! If I were you, I'd take the Saran Wrap off my dick, wrap it around my head and suffocate myself immediately.

Welp...HAPPY HOLIDAYS DR. REUBEN!

29 comments:

Julie said...

omg that cracked me up. I used to know a girl who SWORE by sandwich bags, and that scared the piss out of me...Saran wrap? GROSS.

Lydia said...

Apparently Saran Wrap used to be a pretty popular contraceptive choice. That's why in Grease, John Travolta rubs plastic wrap over his crotch while dancing on the car during "Grease Lightning." Oh, the innocent days when people would grab any random kitchen item and call it safe sex.

RetroTrasher said...

so THIS is how the baby boom happened.

BugginWord said...

Saran Wrap! That's where I messed up. That tinfoil really was uncomfortable.

Elliot said...

I truly can't imagine anything that would make me want to have sex less than blowing up a balloon and putting it on my penis

Elliot said...

Also, you know those "crazy hot girls" like Megan Fox and (old) Angelina Jolie that say absolutely insane things about sex in interviews? They should get a copy of this book. I can completely envision a Megan Fox interview in Maxim where she says she likes it when her boyfriend uses a Ziploc bag as a condom.

Cassie said...

I especially enjoy how making your own condom is not only an option, but something you SHOULD do.

Also, are people frequently in the habit of suddenly finding themselves at motels? I really can't remember the last time I looked at my fiance and said "Welp, it's 1am. Nothing much to do. Wanna go to a hotel and bone with a DIY condom?" I mean, where do people hang out at 1am where they can't just bone with a DIY condom there?

Andrea said...

I thought this book would make an awesome gift for my friend's birthday, so I went on Amazon to get a copy. I couldn't believe that A) a 'new' copy of this book will set ya back over $70 friggin' dollars and B) so many people in the reviews seriously think that the info this guy gives is true.
My favorite "The chapter on STD's was really useful... And the explanation of how you can give yourself AIDS if you put the condom on backward was really something!" Yeah, no surprise the guy's user name is 'Solo 101'.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I used to know a girl who SWORE by sandwich bags
Isn't it just easier to use a condom?

Apparently Saran Wrap used to be a pretty popular contraceptive choice. That's why in Grease, John Travolta rubs plastic wrap over his crotch while dancing on the car during "Grease Lightning."
THAT JUST BLEW MY MIND.

Brittan said...

dr. reuben never fails to make me have sympathy vajayjay pains for all the women who took the advice of his book.

mrs. darling said...

i swear, this blog educates me more than college ever did. not only did i gasp out loud while reading the part about the balloon as a makeshift condom. THEN i read in the comments about john travolta in grease rubbing plastic wrap on his crotch in grease lightening and why he did that...it's like narwhals ALL OVER AGAIN.

John said...

"I now exclusively refer to condoms as "protectors" and penises as "organs." So if anyone would like to put on a protector and slip me their organ; I'm open for business."

Damn, I knew I should have gone to JagerBall!

kallay said...

mmmhm... any man who has a hard time getting the cup holder baggies over his dick can keep that shit to himself. if you're as big around as a bar glass, i'm really ok with just skipping to the cuddling.

no. fucking. thank you.

Straitjackets are Slimming said...

I'm adding Grease to my netflix right now.

Ushma said...

OMG Meg, your blog brings more than numerous smiles to my face every entry. One of these days I'm coming over to your humble abode to check out this ridiculous book!

Grant said...

Also: not to be cliche here or anything, but condoms are uncomfortable enough. I do not want balloons, or sammich baggies, or whatever on my dick. That just seems even worse.

Anonymous said...

This would be the greatest blog of all time if the two birds were Meg and Dr. Reuben.

Rachel said...

Hilarious. Good call on the balloon recommendation, because good god, that strikes fear in my genitals and I don't even have a penis.

Krysten said...

Yikes. That just doesn't seem good AT ALL.

Anonymous said...

How does this man still have a job? Can't the AMA revoke his license or something.

"I now exclusively refer to condoms as "protectors" and penises as "organs." So if anyone would like to put on a protector and slip me their organ; I'm open for business."

Damn, I knew I should have gone to JagerBall!

CREEEEEPY! I just said it so you didn't have to

Anonymous said...

Re: the subject of this post, anyone doing it up the butt without a protector is in for quite a bit of pain, labor related or otherwise.

Elizabeth said...

"If I were you, I'd take the Saran Wrap off my dick, wrap it around my head and suffocate myself immediately."


bahahahhaha

Hawleywood said...

I, too, am a fan of the "Pull and Pray" method (before I got married, that is). That's TMI, I know; but I told you that to tell you this: the POOT method. No, it's not the up-the-poot-shoot method, it's the Pull Out On Time method. POOT. Use it.

You can pray, too, if you want. It probably adds an extra layer of protection. Since you don't have a protector on the organ, praying sure can't hurt.

BTW, love your blog!

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Anonymous said...

Great read! You may want to follow up on this topic.

Darlene

Anonymous said...

Did you know Woody Allen made a movie on this book?

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