Once I got to work, however, things started to look up. I logged into my email and saw that I had received a direct message on Twitter from the infamous Jessica P. Dedicated readers will remember Jessica from my Top 5 All-Time Grudges. Her work is Grudge #4. If you're a new reader who doesn't like to click helpful hyperlinks, allow me to catch you up to speed: If you wrong me in any way (major or minor) I will hold an impressive grudge against you until you Make It Right (aka The Make It Right Theory.) Making It Right can be as quick and easy as a simple "Sorry" or as long and drawn out as you want it to be. You just have to show me that you give a fuck. If you Make It Right, The Grudge is instantly reversed and all is forgiven. If you don't Make It Right, The Grudge continues. Indefinitely. Jessica P earned her Grudge in sixth grade when she ratted me out for hiding in the bathroom during the gymnastics unit in gym. (Oh, I'm sorry. My arm and back muscles were sore the morning after drunken Jenga night. My body was not meant for physical activity, nevertheless gymnastics. And this is America! I have a god-given right to hide in a bathroom stall if I don't want to participate in gym class! It's what makes this country so great!)
Well friends, it is my great pleasure to announce that Jessica P's grudge has officially been REVERSED. She Made It Right. It all started when someone with her same name followed me on Twitter. At first this made me slightly uncomfortable, given that I called her a few less than desirable names and perhaps gently insinuated I'd like to get drunk, sucker punch her in the face and run away to avoid charges...But then I thought, "Oh! She must have followed me on Twitter so she can direct message an apology!" and it all made sense. But the days came and went and I never got that apology. So yesterday, post-brunch and a few mimosas deep, I decided to direct message her.
2birds1blog to Jessica P: question: are you or are you not the jessica p**** who went to farquhar middle school and sherwood high school?
When I didn't get an answer, I assumed it wasn't the right Jessica P. But then this morning, a little bit of Make It Right magic happened:
Jessica P to 2birds1blog: I am the Jessica P**** from FMS and SHS.
2birds1blog to Jessica P: i would like my apology, ms. p****.
Jessica P to 2birds1blog: I'm lost...
2birds1blog to Jessica P: #4: http://tinyurl.com/yecycyy. as stated, an honest apology reverses the grudge completely. i feel one is overdue.
Jessica P to 2birds1blog: Oh my goodness! I certainly don't remember this but that girl was a bitch! She deserves a sucker punch! I'm so sorry if I did that!
2birds1blog to Jessica P: well bless your heart, jessica p****! apology accepted. grudge reversed. and given the opportunity, i'd never sucker punch you in the face.
Jessica P to 2birds1blog: Well thank goodness! I definitely believe the story...shameful the things kids do to each other! I was definitely a brat! Seriously, sorry.
2birds1blog to Jessica P: well i genuinely appreciate the apology. all is right with the world again.
SO THERE IT IS! She Made It Right! WIN! And as promised, I now hold absolutely no grudge against Jessica P and wish her only good things in life. It's just that easy. May this be a lesson to Kelly M, Dana P (...I'm specifically lookin' at you, homegirl,) Shannon M and Emmy G. Hell hath no furry like a Meggles scorned.
[Ugh, eff you NBC Universal for pulling the Steve Buscemi version...GRUDGE!]