If I were to make a list of my top 5 guiltiest guilty pleasures, it would go as such:
5.) Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood
4.) The Olsen Twins as an entity
3.) Any and every Mo'Nique special
2.) Russian-pop-lesbian duo t.A.T.u.'s "Not Gonna Get Us"
Knowing this, you can imagine how excited I was when I found out about MTV's newest reality show, Jersey Shore. Basically Jersey Shore is like a season of The Real World but exclusively with Guidos. It's the true story. Of eight strangers. Picked to live in a shore house. To find out what happens. When the Valtrex runs out. And there's not a black person for miles. It's The Real World: Guidos. And oh muh gawd I'm excited! Thus, Drinking Game Friday will be taking a brief hiatus while Recrap Fridays: Jersey Shore takes over. Don't worry! DGF will be back! But I mean, come on, I've recapped shows about vapid whores, Bros, emotional fatties and monkey babies—did you expect me to not recap a show about Guidos?
I'm going to admit something right here and right now, fully aware that some of you might lose respect for me. I, Meghan C. McBlogger, totally have a thing for Guidos (except I can't do extreme spiky-haired Guidos. I'm horny, not blind.) I can't explain it. It goes against everything I stand for, yet, get me in a room with a juiced-up Italian guy with a rosary and a Hollywood tan and you'd better have a fainting couch cuz I've got the vapors! I've only dated one Guido in my lifetime. And by dated, I mean we hooked up, went on three dates and he dropped me like third period French. But my god were those three dates glorious. His name was Dave, he hailed from Long Island and had a tribal sun tattoo on his back that upon discovering I literally pointed and laughed-out-loud at. (Looking back, this may or may not have contributed to the whole dropping-me-like-third-period-French thing.) Even the story of how we met is just so perfectly...cheap. I was at The Reef late one Saturday night Senior year, desperately trying not to pass out against/crash through a fish tank, when Dave the Guido approached and instigated a game of Thumb War. Yes, that's correct. Thumb War. I lost (perhaps because my hand-eye coordination was that of a newborn baby at the time) and he happily claimed his prize—a hardcore All-American make out session!!1 Did I know his name? No. Did that bother me? No. Was the smell of his Dep hair gel driving me wild? Yes. A few days later we went on our first date to Lauriol Plaza. We pretty much had absolutely nothing in common except we both liked making out, quoting 80's movies and drinking. And apparently that will only bond two people together for so long. But I'll never forget you Dave The Guido. You or our hardcore, pasta-fueled hook-ups that I can now only re-live vicariously through my new favorite show—Jersey Shore.
Jersey Shore: Episode 1
The show opens by introducing us to it's eight feisty characters, the first being Pauly D. Pauly D. has obscenely spiky hair, a tanning bed in his apartment and is a DJ who wants people to "come in their pants when they hear his music." Well sir, as Rhianna said, please don't stop the music. Next up we have Nicole a.k.a. "Snookie". Snookie is my absolute favorite character. She looks like if Elvira and Tila Tequila had a bastard love-child and the mother bathed in Zelko throughout the duration of the pregnancy. Nobody in the house can remember Snookie's nickname so she's consistently referred to as "Snickers," which is never not the funniest thing I've ever heard. Next up is Mike. Mike gave himself the nickname "The Situation." So you know he's gotta be cool. Then we have Sammy "Sweetheart." Sammy Sweetheart is a sweet little Guidette with a don't-fuck-with-me attitude looking to break some hearts. She is also the source of one of my favorite quotes from the episode: "If you're not a Guido you can get the fuck out of my face." There's poetry in directness. Then there's Vinny. Vinny's mom still cuts his food for him and he makes a point of telling viewers that although he went to college, he "still loves to fist pump." Who says a Guido can't be a Renaissance Man? Next up we have Jenni a.k.a. "J-Woww." First and foremost, I love imagining the conversation between Jenni and the MTV graphics people where she clarifies that there are two W's in the fabricated name of "J-Woww." It keeps me warm at night. J-Woww likes to rip guy's heads off after sex (shout-out to Scott the Praying Mantis!), sounds like she just ate a pack of Newport lights for dinner and if I had a dick, I wouldn't put it within 15-feet of her. And then we have Ronnie. Tehehehee...Ronnie's kind of a dreamboat that I'd love to sail away on. I mean, whatever. He likes cheap cologne, protein shakes and fist pumping in the ocean. Gross. He's lame....tehehe. Ronnie's life philosophy: "Beers, pussy and the the beach. All you need to know." I couldn't have said it better myself, sir. Last but not least we have Angelina a.k.a. "Jolie." Angelina has a boyfriend who she's going to "try" not to cheat on and openly refers to herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Because that's a challenge.
After we're introduced to the cast mates, they slowly filter into their cheetah-print and Italian flag-laden shore house where they'll be spending the rest of their summer. Pauly D. and The Situation instantly click. Ronnie, quote, "just wants to get creepy and weird" (seriously. I'm in love.) J-Woww introduces herself as J-Woww and everyone has the common sense to know that that's about as cool as a pair of tapered khakis. Angelina packed her stuff in trash bags which the rest of the cast thinks is weird but I can't hate on because that's how I moved out of my dorm Sophomore year. Really most of the entertainment lies in watching Snookie try to successfully drive herself to the house. After almost committing vehicular manslaughter a few times, she tries to make a 3-point-turn in the middle of an intersection and her car dies. OH SNOOKIE! After everyone arrives at the house we meet Danny. Danny looks like comedian Jesse Joyce to the point where I find it distracting and will be the Guidos boss for the summer. Yep, that's right. They have to work. Specifically at Danny's t-shirt shop, The Shore Store, in teams of two. Danny tries to explain that their living in the shore house is contingent on how well they work at the store, but the gang basically kicks him out so they can get the party started.
And get the party started they do! The first night in the house can only be described in one word: Snooktastic. Snookie gets shit faced. Quote Ronnie, "That girl went from stupid to incoherent." Yes, Snookie had herself a good old time. She rips a bunch of shots, gets in the hot tub in her leopard print bra and thong, tries to have sex with the entirety of the cast (gender not being an issue this many shots deep) and eventually passes out in a hammock mid slur. This would be pretty standard for first-night shenanigans, except that it's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon and everyone else in the house is stone cold sober. And let me tell you, being the one sloppy drunk amongst a sea of sober people is a mighty recipe for lasting embarrassment. Snookie wakes up a few hours later to find the rest of the house gone and spends all night stumbling around trying to work the complicated mechanics of the ironic duck phone. (If you only watch one scene, I'd go with that one.)
The next morning Snookie doesn't remember a thing ("Story of my life!" she laments) and ends up being late to orientation at the Shore Store because she's busy puking her face off in the bathroom. She starts to get a weird vibe from the rest of the house and manages to deduce that mayyyyybe she did something embarrassing last night. She offers the house a heart-felt apology at dinner and all seems to be right with the world. For now.
The next night, the boys decide to go fishing. No, not that fishing, bless your heart! "Fishing" is when the boys stand on the roof and whistle at girls until a few "semi-decent looking" ones stop, come up, get in the hot tub and give 'em some dome. The rest of the girls in the house are mortified by this. And by mortified, I mean jealous. They park themselves in lawn chairs ten feet away from the hot tub and do that thing girls do where they're like "OH MY GAWD, WHAT PROSTITUTES!" but on the inside really wish it was them taking off their Victoria Secret red cotton thongs in a hot tub. Angelina asks, "how do you meet a guy and take your bra and underwear off?!" Alcohol and low self-esteem, my friend. Trust me.
And then drama ensues: The Situation has a crush on Sammi Sweetheart and feels awkward canoodling with Token Hoz in front of her but she's like woah, we're not married psycho, go do what you want; Angelina, Sammi and J-Woww get in a fight with the Token Hoz because they're, you know, Token Hoz; Snookie gets upset that nobody's paying attention to her so she locks herself in her room to play with the ends of her hair; Angela and the guys get in a fight re: The Situation "cheating on" Sammi Sweetheart with Token Hoz; Ronnie walks around wearing only a fedora and no shirt and I have a moment; Snookie overhears the girls talking shit about Token Hoz, assumes they're talking about her and decides she's sick of the duck phone being her only friend so duck phone and her are bouncing. BUT WILL SHE?!
Jersey Shore: Episode 2
Um, Yeah. There was a second HOUR LONG episode last night. WTF MTV? Do you know what a challenge it was just to stay awake for the 10-11 episode?! I have work in the morning! I have a Jäger Ball to save energy for! I can't stay up until midnight watching reality television about Guidos on a school night! And yet, I did. Because god forbid I let the blog get behind on recaps. And as a result, I couldn't get out of bed this morning and was a half an hour late to work. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my priorities...Anyway, I took half-assed notes because I was nodding off in my old person rocking chair, so here's all you need to know about the second episode:
*The Situation made Sammy Sweetheart a plate of eggs so you know he's in love --> *They work their first day at the Shore Store. LOL selling t-shirts is hard! --> *Snookie has a heart-to-heart with Sammy Sweetheart and decides to stay --> *The boys go to the gym, eat protein bars and talk about who they want to "pound out" --> *The Situation refers to himself in the third person a lot and sells a shit ton of hot pants --> *They all go out --> *Pauly D. and J-Woww make out --> *Snookie brings some guy home and is all bummed out that he won't make out with her until he projectile vomits everywhere. True story. --> *Angelina cheats on her boyfriend but "doesn't remember it" in the morning --> *Vinny gets pink eye from freak dancing with an old, fat chick for laughs at a club called Karma which is so ironic the world explodes --> *They go out again --> *The Situation and Sammy Sweetheart hookup but then she turns around and hooks up with my boy Ronnie --> *The Situation is heart broken so we decide to hook up with each other to make them jealous--> *The episode concludes with a hilarious montage of The Situation watching the sunrise all sad-like with sad, sad background music and black and white scenes of him and Sammy Sweetheart spliced in, which is hilarious because didn't you people meet two days ago? FIN.
Welp, with that said, hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Can't wait to meet you guys at Jäger Ball TOMORROW NIGHT! If you can't make it, don't forget there are local Jäger Balls going on in Boston, Atlanta, Birmingham, Dallas, LA, The Republic of Macedonia and Timor-Leste! Have fun and take a shot of Jäger for me! See you guys Monday!