12.03.2009

Drinking Game Friday takes a big old Recrap

If I were to make a list of my top 5 guiltiest guilty pleasures, it would go as such:

5.) Tori and Dean's Home Sweet Hollywood
4.) The Olsen Twins as an entity
3.) Any and every Mo'Nique special
2.) Russian-pop-lesbian duo t.A.T.u.'s "Not Gonna Get Us"
1.) Guidos

Knowing this, you can imagine how excited I was when I found out about MTV's newest reality show, Jersey Shore. Basically Jersey Shore is like a season of The Real World but exclusively with Guidos. It's the true story. Of eight strangers. Picked to live in a shore house. To find out what happens. When the Valtrex runs out. And there's not a black person for miles. It's The Real World: Guidos. And oh muh gawd I'm excited! Thus, Drinking Game Friday will be taking a brief hiatus while Recrap Fridays: Jersey Shore takes over. Don't worry! DGF will be back! But I mean, come on, I've recapped shows about vapid whores, Bros, emotional fatties and monkey babies—did you expect me to not recap a show about Guidos?

I'm going to admit something right here and right now, fully aware that some of you might lose respect for me. I, Meghan C. McBlogger, totally have a thing for Guidos (except I can't do extreme spiky-haired Guidos. I'm horny, not blind.) I can't explain it. It goes against everything I stand for, yet, get me in a room with a juiced-up Italian guy with a rosary and a Hollywood tan and you'd better have a fainting couch cuz I've got the vapors! I've only dated one Guido in my lifetime. And by dated, I mean we hooked up, went on three dates and he dropped me like third period French. But my god were those three dates glorious. His name was Dave, he hailed from Long Island and had a tribal sun tattoo on his back that upon discovering I literally pointed and laughed-out-loud at. (Looking back, this may or may not have contributed to the whole dropping-me-like-third-period-French thing.) Even the story of how we met is just so perfectly...cheap. I was at The Reef late one Saturday night Senior year, desperately trying not to pass out against/crash through a fish tank, when Dave the Guido approached and instigated a game of Thumb War. Yes, that's correct. Thumb War. I lost (perhaps because my hand-eye coordination was that of a newborn baby at the time) and he happily claimed his prize—a hardcore All-American make out session!!1 Did I know his name? No. Did that bother me? No. Was the smell of his Dep hair gel driving me wild? Yes. A few days later we went on our first date to Lauriol Plaza. We pretty much had absolutely nothing in common except we both liked making out, quoting 80's movies and drinking. And apparently that will only bond two people together for so long. But I'll never forget you Dave The Guido. You or our hardcore, pasta-fueled hook-ups that I can now only re-live vicariously through my new favorite show—Jersey Shore.

Jersey Shore: Episode 1

The show opens by introducing us to it's eight feisty characters, the first being Pauly D. Pauly D. has obscenely spiky hair, a tanning bed in his apartment and is a DJ who wants people to "come in their pants when they hear his music." Well sir, as Rhianna said, please don't stop the music. Next up we have Nicole a.k.a. "Snookie". Snookie is my absolute favorite character. She looks like if Elvira and Tila Tequila had a bastard love-child and the mother bathed in Zelko throughout the duration of the pregnancy. Nobody in the house can remember Snookie's nickname so she's consistently referred to as "Snickers," which is never not the funniest thing I've ever heard. Next up is Mike. Mike gave himself the nickname "The Situation." So you know he's gotta be cool. Then we have Sammy "Sweetheart." Sammy Sweetheart is a sweet little Guidette with a don't-fuck-with-me attitude looking to break some hearts. She is also the source of one of my favorite quotes from the episode: "If you're not a Guido you can get the fuck out of my face." There's poetry in directness. Then there's Vinny. Vinny's mom still cuts his food for him and he makes a point of telling viewers that although he went to college, he "still loves to fist pump." Who says a Guido can't be a Renaissance Man? Next up we have Jenni a.k.a. "J-Woww." First and foremost, I love imagining the conversation between Jenni and the MTV graphics people where she clarifies that there are two W's in the fabricated name of "J-Woww." It keeps me warm at night. J-Woww likes to rip guy's heads off after sex (shout-out to Scott the Praying Mantis!), sounds like she just ate a pack of Newport lights for dinner and if I had a dick, I wouldn't put it within 15-feet of her. And then we have Ronnie. Tehehehee...Ronnie's kind of a dreamboat that I'd love to sail away on. I mean, whatever. He likes cheap cologne, protein shakes and fist pumping in the ocean. Gross. He's lame....tehehe. Ronnie's life philosophy: "Beers, pussy and the the beach. All you need to know." I couldn't have said it better myself, sir. Last but not least we have Angelina a.k.a. "Jolie." Angelina has a boyfriend who she's going to "try" not to cheat on and openly refers to herself as the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. Because that's a challenge.

After we're introduced to the cast mates, they slowly filter into their cheetah-print and Italian flag-laden shore house where they'll be spending the rest of their summer. Pauly D. and The Situation instantly click. Ronnie, quote, "just wants to get creepy and weird" (seriously. I'm in love.) J-Woww introduces herself as J-Woww and everyone has the common sense to know that that's about as cool as a pair of tapered khakis. Angelina packed her stuff in trash bags which the rest of the cast thinks is weird but I can't hate on because that's how I moved out of my dorm Sophomore year. Really most of the entertainment lies in watching Snookie try to successfully drive herself to the house. After almost committing vehicular manslaughter a few times, she tries to make a 3-point-turn in the middle of an intersection and her car dies. OH SNOOKIE! After everyone arrives at the house we meet Danny. Danny looks like comedian Jesse Joyce to the point where I find it distracting and will be the Guidos boss for the summer. Yep, that's right. They have to work. Specifically at Danny's t-shirt shop, The Shore Store, in teams of two. Danny tries to explain that their living in the shore house is contingent on how well they work at the store, but the gang basically kicks him out so they can get the party started.

And get the party started they do! The first night in the house can only be described in one word: Snooktastic. Snookie gets shit faced. Quote Ronnie, "That girl went from stupid to incoherent." Yes, Snookie had herself a good old time. She rips a bunch of shots, gets in the hot tub in her leopard print bra and thong, tries to have sex with the entirety of the cast (gender not being an issue this many shots deep) and eventually passes out in a hammock mid slur. This would be pretty standard for first-night shenanigans, except that it's like 4 o'clock in the afternoon and everyone else in the house is stone cold sober. And let me tell you, being the one sloppy drunk amongst a sea of sober people is a mighty recipe for lasting embarrassment. Snookie wakes up a few hours later to find the rest of the house gone and spends all night stumbling around trying to work the complicated mechanics of the ironic duck phone. (If you only watch one scene, I'd go with that one.)

The next morning Snookie doesn't remember a thing ("Story of my life!" she laments) and ends up being late to orientation at the Shore Store because she's busy puking her face off in the bathroom. She starts to get a weird vibe from the rest of the house and manages to deduce that mayyyyybe she did something embarrassing last night. She offers the house a heart-felt apology at dinner and all seems to be right with the world. For now.

The next night, the boys decide to go fishing. No, not that fishing, bless your heart! "Fishing" is when the boys stand on the roof and whistle at girls until a few "semi-decent looking" ones stop, come up, get in the hot tub and give 'em some dome. The rest of the girls in the house are mortified by this. And by mortified, I mean jealous. They park themselves in lawn chairs ten feet away from the hot tub and do that thing girls do where they're like "OH MY GAWD, WHAT PROSTITUTES!" but on the inside really wish it was them taking off their Victoria Secret red cotton thongs in a hot tub. Angelina asks, "how do you meet a guy and take your bra and underwear off?!" Alcohol and low self-esteem, my friend. Trust me.

And then drama ensues: The Situation has a crush on Sammi Sweetheart and feels awkward canoodling with Token Hoz in front of her but she's like woah, we're not married psycho, go do what you want; Angelina, Sammi and J-Woww get in a fight with the Token Hoz because they're, you know, Token Hoz; Snookie gets upset that nobody's paying attention to her so she locks herself in her room to play with the ends of her hair; Angela and the guys get in a fight re: The Situation "cheating on" Sammi Sweetheart with Token Hoz; Ronnie walks around wearing only a fedora and no shirt and I have a moment; Snookie overhears the girls talking shit about Token Hoz, assumes they're talking about her and decides she's sick of the duck phone being her only friend so duck phone and her are bouncing. BUT WILL SHE?!

Jersey Shore: Episode 2

Um, Yeah. There was a second HOUR LONG episode last night. WTF MTV? Do you know what a challenge it was just to stay awake for the 10-11 episode?! I have work in the morning! I have a Jäger Ball to save energy for! I can't stay up until midnight watching reality television about Guidos on a school night! And yet, I did. Because god forbid I let the blog get behind on recaps. And as a result, I couldn't get out of bed this morning and was a half an hour late to work. Perhaps I need to re-evaluate my priorities...Anyway, I took half-assed notes because I was nodding off in my old person rocking chair, so here's all you need to know about the second episode:

*The Situation made Sammy Sweetheart a plate of eggs so you know he's in love --> *They work their first day at the Shore Store. LOL selling t-shirts is hard! --> *Snookie has a heart-to-heart with Sammy Sweetheart and decides to stay --> *The boys go to the gym, eat protein bars and talk about who they want to "pound out" --> *The Situation refers to himself in the third person a lot and sells a shit ton of hot pants --> *They all go out --> *Pauly D. and J-Woww make out --> *Snookie brings some guy home and is all bummed out that he won't make out with her until he projectile vomits everywhere. True story. --> *Angelina cheats on her boyfriend but "doesn't remember it" in the morning --> *Vinny gets pink eye from freak dancing with an old, fat chick for laughs at a club called Karma which is so ironic the world explodes --> *They go out again --> *The Situation and Sammy Sweetheart hookup but then she turns around and hooks up with my boy Ronnie --> *The Situation is heart broken so we decide to hook up with each other to make them jealous--> *The episode concludes with a hilarious montage of The Situation watching the sunrise all sad-like with sad, sad background music and black and white scenes of him and Sammy Sweetheart spliced in, which is hilarious because didn't you people meet two days ago? FIN.

Welp, with that said, hope you all have a fantastic weekend! Can't wait to meet you guys at Jäger Ball TOMORROW NIGHT! If you can't make it, don't forget there are local Jäger Balls going on in Boston, Atlanta, Birmingham, Dallas, LA, The Republic of Macedonia and Timor-Leste! Have fun and take a shot of Jäger for me! See you guys Monday!

39 comments:

ac said...

I just want to say that I too am obsessed with guidos. I actually have "guidos" listed under my interests on facebook. I get off work in 2 minutes and am immediatly headed home to get on mtv.com full episodes. Can't wait!

ps- at approximately 1 p.m. I started having a panic attack because you hadn't posted yet and I thought something terrible had happened.

Stephanie said...

Oh Meg...... I love you so much right now. I plopped on the couch after the gym last night and if I told you I didnt watch each episode twice (at both pacific and eastern time) I'd be lying to you. After that I took a shit ton of nyquil before bed and remember thinking groggily to myself as I nodded off, "wouldn't it be great if this was recapped on 2b1b tomorrow? But it's drinking game Friday..... Oh wells"

so I just need to say thank you from
the bottom of my heart. Also thanks for making me feel not as creepy for wanting to make out with Ronnie. I knew i wasn't the only one.

Anonymous said...

I understand your obsession with guidos. I don't like to admit it but I can't get enough. You missed the part where Pauly D punched someone in the face and they got kicked out. I'm guessing you fell asleep. MTV should put this show on at 8 so people who have "real" jobs can wake up for work on time.

Anonymous said...

I really like how snookie kept hanging up the phone every time she put it down....

on a more intellectual note... the inherent hypocrisy in how mike acted when sammy started to make out with ronnie. basically he made out with that other girl earlier.....
oh and how could you not discuss that paul d has a pierce thingy

I loved this show and I am getting a Ph d
and I love your blog

jake said...

I am beyond excited that "The Jersey Shore" will be recrapped every Friday. Snickers, Schnookie, Snookie whatever you want to call her is the best thing to hit my television in years. Anyone else notice she looks like Christina Aguilera circa the "stripped" era?

email me: said...

the recrap is really a drinking game in itself, no? every time you aren't taking a jager bomb, take a jager bomb. fist pump. repeat.

Anonymous said...

all right! so i've got my jager ball posse all lined up and rarin' to go. also, we're all cheap as the day is long so will be getting there early for drankz. seeeeeee you then!

Brittan said...

"Vinny gets pink eye from freak dancing with an old, fat chick for laughs at a club called Karma which is so ironic the world explodes."


is my favorite sentence i've ever read ever.

also i want to come to jagerball so baaaaaaaaaaad!

James said...

Sorry, kids. I hate guidos! They are only good to laugh at. Mercilessly.

Example - my gf is talking on the phone with one of her ex-bfs, who apparently is a big ole greasy haired dudebro guido. He's real excited because a friend of the family is representing a company doing business with Michael Jordan, and guido might get to meet him. My gf asks, "OMG, so is it like a group thing, or will you actually meet him exclusively?"

And I hear over the phone "...Um... you know I don't know big words."

I had to excuse myself. That's all.

Sarah said...

My absolute favorite part of the episode has to be when Vinny goes to demonstrate his fist pumping skills and we all get to see his enormous pit stains. Mmmmmm...

Anonymous said...

I can't wait to get home and watch this. Meg you're amazing, and I wish I could meet you at the Jager Ball, but have fun. Let me know when the Jager 2B1B tour starts and when you're coming to Ann Arbor, MI.

btw - can we talk about Intervention this week for a minute, did you see it? Hot Mess!!! Bi!@# can outrun guys and crawl out of sun roofs but complains of joint pain. And then Hoarders, I had to turn off half way through I was trying to eat and was about to throw up.

~Travis

Caitlin said...

schnookums looks like an oompa loompa that got lost and ended up in seaside, where she decided she should just put on a black wig and start drinking

i kinda like ronnie too. don't judge me

Lauren said...

Wowzers. I am (obviously) reading today's post at work, when my boss enters the cube next to mine. The girl who works in said cube is Italian-American, and boss asks/shouts "HEY! Did you see that new show Jersey Shore?! WOW, that's some trash!"

Literally happened. As I was finishing up the reading...LOL

Anonymous said...

I went to high school with "J Woww" and she used to be a chunky wanna be ghetto chick who didn't have a lot of friends...I watched purely to see what the hell was going on with her and her fake boobed self!

Tristan said...

Ahhh everyone needs a little guido once in their life! So good, ahh soo good! RM you know what I am talking about! Woohoo! Hunka hunka!

Anonymous said...

The only thing better than watching 2 hours of Jersey Shore last night was seeing it recrapped on 2birds1blog today. oh for the love. so many amazing lines. This is definitely the best thing to happen to reality TV in, well, forever.

Casey said...

1. Jake - I thought the SAME thing about "Snickers" looking like Christina Aguilera

2. re: Ronnie's hotness - I concur

3. Anyone else see on the "Coming up on this season..." previews, some dude straight up punches Snooki in the face? Like HARD.

4. I love this show so much

Anonymous said...

Favorite quote:

"I'm a bartender...I do like, great things"

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

ps- at approximately 1 p.m. I started having a panic attack because you hadn't posted yet and I thought something terrible had happened.
Bless your heart! I'm fine, I just had to quickly pound out some work for my real person job before writing this.

so I just need to say thank you from
the bottom of my heart. Also thanks for making me feel not as creepy for wanting to make out with Ronnie. I knew i wasn't the only one.

You're welcome! Slash get in line, bitch...<3

oh and how could you not discuss that paul d has a pierce thingy
HAHA good call. I was nodding off slightly at that point.

Anyone else notice she looks like Christina Aguilera circa the "stripped" era?
HOLY SHIT! SUCH A GOOD CALL!

all right! so i've got my jager ball posse all lined up and rarin' to go. also, we're all cheap as the day is long so will be getting there early for drankz. seeeeeee you then!
Yessssssssss...that's what I like to hear.

And then Hoarders, I had to turn off half way through I was trying to eat and was about to throw up.
Holy shit. I can't do Hoarders. Did you see the one with the "nest" of dead kittens?!?!

I went to high school with "J Woww" and she used to be a chunky wanna be ghetto chick who didn't have a lot of friends...I watched purely to see what the hell was going on with her and her fake boobed self!
Did people call her J-Woww in high school??

3. Anyone else see on the "Coming up on this season..." previews, some dude straight up punches Snooki in the face? Like HARD.
HAHA, no. But that sentence made me laugh.

B said...

Meg - you have captured my love (not-so-guilty pleasure) of guidos so well It's like you have plagiarized my thoughts. Honestly though, my favorite part about this show - my god THIS SHOW!! - is the fact that Guidodom is pinnacle lifestyle these people aspire too. I can't WAIT till Jager Ball tomorrow. What are your thoughts on doing the next Jager Ball (2.0 if you will)at the actual real life Jersey Shore in all its guido awesomeness?????

Tiffany said...

http://www.tmz.com/2009/12/04/christina-aguilera-jersey-shore-snookie-nicole/

Ashley said...

DEP HAIR GEL! bahahahahahahaha

amazing

Stephanie said...

"Holy shit. I can't do Hoarders. Did you see the one with the "nest" of dead kittens?!?!"

I SURE DID AND I ALSO CANNOT DO HOARDERS ANYMORE:(

thisfrostingismoldy said...

You are amazing, I definitely fell asleep during the second episode. I needed this.

Shannon said...

I was kind of hoping this weeks drinking game would be to Jersey Shore but this recap is amazing. My roommates and I watched last night and drank everytime a guido looked in a mirror or fixed his hair and a couple others. Maybe next week we'll add whenever someone calls Snookie by the wrong nickname.

Cassie said...

My most recent ex was, upon reflection, definitely a guido. He's Palestinian as opposed to Italian, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. He definitely had the guido predilection for hair gel and designer sunglasses, and although I don't think I ever saw him in a tracksuit, everything else fits!

I don't know how I missed it when we were dating.

I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of endeared by The Situation. He's just so...harmlessly clueless. I mean, they're all pretty clueless, but he doesn't even have the fiery temper to try to compensate like Pauly D, which I find refreshing. Also, I like his smooshy nose.

Ronnie and Vinnie in the opening credits- hilarity every time. Hysterical laughter and perfectly groomed eyebrow waggling? Yes and please.

Kori said...

How about a DGF and a Jersey Shore ReCrap??

Drink every time someone says "Hater."

Drink every time someone takes their shirt off.

Drink every time you get a camera shot of either hair gel or protein powder.

You don't need anymore rules. You just got drunk the first 5 minutes of the show. Boo to the ya. *fist pumps*

Brittany said...

Meg-
The Real World DC is starting soon.. are you peeing your pants?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh my god, obviously.

Mary said...

The Jersey Shore Nickname Generator is all kinds of fun http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/

And I'm only answering to M-Poww

Elizabeth said...

Behold the Jersey Shore Nickname Generator. From now on, please only refer to me as L-Scream.

http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/

Anonymous said...

Last night I unfortunately watched BBC America's documentary "My Car Is My Lover". As in quite literally. As in you see money shots in nightvision and old men fondling Model T's. Please recrap this show if you catch it. As soon as I saw it I thought "Jesus, this belongs on 2birds1blog". And then I thought "fuck, I'm thinking about blogs when I'm away from the computer, and blogs from people I don't even know."

And/Or said...

http://www.unlikelywords.com/2009/12/08/jersey-shore-nickname-generator/

thought you'd appreciate this awesomeness.

Kelly Jelley said...

I have a love/hate relationship with the guidos. I agree with you on they go crazy with the spikey hair and honestly think they would be better if they just kept their mouths shut LOL.

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Excellent write-up. I definitely love this site. Continue the good work!

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