12.07.2009

Embarrassing. Emphasis on the ASS.

First and foremost, I know Co-Blogger Chris already thanked everyone yesterday for coming out Saturday night, but I just wanted to say it again: thank you so much to everyone who came out to Jäger Ball! The turnout was completely overwhelming (in the best way ever, of course) and we had so much fun meeting you all. Chris and I woke up in bed Sunday morning looking like black-and-white photo negatives of each other: I was oddly still in my outfit from the night before and Chris was oddly not wearing anything at all. We let out a mutual hungover grumble, gave each other a once over and agreed—It was definitely that kind of a night.

I have to say, Jäger Ball was especially meaningful to me because it was one night in my life where I just felt 100%...good. I'm used to life turning me sideways, stuffing a sock in my mouth and making me it's bitch, so a night where I got nothing but positive feedback (minus the guy who told me I was "a 7 or 8," which initially was exciting because huzzah! I made it over the mid-point! but then I heard people were telling Co-Blogger Chris he could be a Ralph Lauren model and my 7 or 8 seemed somewhat less impressive...) was a new and unique experience. I walked to work yesterday morning with an extra bounce in my step—the bounce of a winner.

And then I got to work. Where I was immediately knocked down a peg or two where I belong. And ohhhhh was it humbling...

First, let me give you some back-story. Last week Boss #1 got it in her pretty little head that something was wrong with me. I have no idea why. Absolutely nothing was wrong with me. I mean, I don't exactly love being here but I don't think I was being any more surly than usual. Boss #1, however, wouldn't give up. Something was wrong with me and she was going to figure out what it was. It drives her absolutely crazy that she can't break through my tough, enigmatic outer shell. And by "tough, enigmatic outer shell," I mean I don't volunteer graphic information about my menstrual cycle, sex life or bowel movements on a daily basis and this makes me "stand-offish."

She began her probe:

Boss #1: What's going on with you this week, girl?!
Me: Uh, nothing. Why?
B1: You seem depressed.
Me: Oh, no, I'm fine! Sorry!
B1: Don't apologize, just tell me what's going on.
Me: Nothing's going on, I promise. I guess I'm just tired today or something.
B1: It's not just today; it's been for a while now.
Me: Well I genuinely appreciate your concern, but I'm fine. [*ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!*] I feel like this is where a normal person would have accepted that nothing's wrong and backed off. I appreciated her concern and if something were really wrong, I probably would have told her at this point. But there was nothing to tell. And I feel like I adequately expressed that. Case closed. Move on. [*TIME IN!*]
B1: Did you get in a fight with Russell [the Homophobic Co-Worker] again?
Me: No...we're fine, I guess. Honestly I haven't even seen him in a month of Sundays.
B1: How's your family?
Me: They're great! Everything's fine, really.
B1: ...You're not interviewing, are you?
Me: I'm not interviewing, I swear! You know I love this job. [*ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!*] It's true that I'm not interviewing, but it is incredibly untrue that I love this job. Mostly I'm not interviewing right now because I couldn't pass a drug test to save my life and my god do I hate cranberry juice. [*TIME IN!*]
B1: Are you seeing someone?
Me: Uh...no?
B1: Why not? [*ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!*] This is the single most irritating question on the face of the planet that one human being could ask another. Because I don't know why I'm not seeing someone, asshole. Because I hate sex. And my vagina has fangs. Strong, ample fangs that I sharpen nightly and widdle things out of wood with. And I refuse to get them removed because it's unethical and I fear PETA's wrath. That's why I'm not seeing anyone. Christ. [*TIME IN!*]
Me: Uhhh...I really don't know. I'm just not.
B1: OK...well...if you ever need to talk, I'm here.
Me: Well, I appreciate that.

And I did. Although I found her line of questioning irritating, I knew her heart was in the right place and I appreciated her concern. I decided I would attempt to be 5% more perky around the office and figured that would be the end of that. Now, flash forward to yesterday afternoon. There I was, sitting at my desk with a furrowed brow, deep in "concentration" as I filled in a blank spreadsheet with the number "69" over and over again when Boss #1 slithered over...

B1: Hey girl! How you feeling this week?
Me: Great! Great weekend. How are you?
B1: I'm fine, thanks. So after our talk last week I got you something off the Internet that I really think is going to make you feel better! [*ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!*] How cute is she?! I mean, she must really appreciate me to want to get me a little present to try to cheer me up! Coming off the love-fest that was J
äger Ball, I felt on top of the world at that moment. Just really appreciated. Plus, I was straight-up giddy thinking about what my little pressie might be. An early Christmas gift? Jewelry? The handbag she knew I'd been coveting? The bar stool she promised me a few weeks ago? Tehehe... [*TIME IN!*]
Me: Awwww...Boss #1! You didn't have to do that! I told you I'm fine!
B1: Well it's just a little something that I think you'll really benefit from. Here! [She reached into her bag, pulled out the gift and set it before me:]


It was a bottle of Natra Pure All-Natural Colon Cure. My boss got me a fucking bottle of laxatives she bought off the Internet. (Now with Green Tea!) And I'm not just saying this for affect, but at that moment, I 100% thought that I was going to burst into tears. Because apparently the vibe I give off to people on a daily basis is that I'm depressed and constipated. DEPRESSED. AND CONSTIPATED. People look at me and think, "Hm. You know what that girl needs? A good cleanse of her colon! That'll perk her right up!"

Me: You got me........a colon cleanser.
B1: I SWEAR BY THIS STUFF! It's got like, corn husk it in or something and you take two a day with a glass of water and I'll tell you what—you'll be a new woman by morning!
Me: You got me........................................a colon cleanser.
B1: You're welcome, girl!

And that was that. That's all it took to knock me down from my post Jäger Ball high and humble the ever-living shit out of me [pun intended!] And you know what the most embarrassing part is? I'm probably going to try it tonight. Because why not? I got it. It's not like I can sell it on ebay and take the money. Who would buy shady Internet laxatives? OH WAIT...Plus I'm just genuinely curious if I will indeed feel like a new woman in the morning. So I'm going to come home, pop on some jammies, turn on NatGeo and shit my brains out.

Yep. Here I am. Right back where I belong.

36 comments:

A. Rue said...

Oh, dear God, Meg. I actually had to stop drinking water because I didn't want to have to explain spitting sounds coming from my cubicle.

Firstly - Jager Ball was awesome, and thank you for hosting! We're eagerly awaiting news of what the Jagerettes thought.

Secondly, the "why not" Zack Morris style time out made me simultaneously snort and cough. Thanks.

Thirdly, I... well. Have fun tonight?

James said...

I'll send you some General Tso's chicken from First Chop Suey in Chi-Town. It'll taste better, and trust me, Good Lord it'll do the same job.

P.S. Make sure they're old jammies. Just in case. :D

Anonymous said...

Too funny.

I can't stand when people ask why you're single. Not that being coupled up is the bee's knees. But what do they expect you to say? "Just too busy l-i-v-i-n, man. Life's too sweet and I'm just too hot."

emily said...

oh em geeeeee. totally laughing/snorting here at work now. thanks.

now on to the important things:
a) what's up with "widdle"? what am i missing?
b) so bummed that i missed the ball. the snow and ice scared me, as it was worse out in the burbs. still pouting about that one.

ryan said...

do you sell your vagina whittlings on etsy? if not, you should think about it. some real holiday money to be made there.

Kate said...

The last time I took a laxative (my first time to EVER take a laxative), I had to call in sick to work the next day. What started as a nice colon cleanse turned into an all day toilet fest.

Oh Lord, I think my butthole just quivered at the mere thought of Walgreen's brand "Women's Laxative."

Be careful. You've been warned.

the sir said...

Is the colon cleanser "for women?" I'm amazed at what is now "for women." Apparently the American mind has a desperate need to segregate something, anything, and so we've replaced the "Colored Only" signs on water fountains with "For Women" signs on fiber supplements.

- Tulane Chris. For women.

Anonymous said...

yikes, seriously-- be careful with that stuff!!

Caitlin said...

This post scares me, for real. Because I got the SAME talking to yesterday at work. Because I don't jump for joy 40 hours a week, I was asked if everything was alright and if I was happy, then told that no one likes my attitude. Well, I really don't like anyone else, but I guess that's why I'm in this position. (And I got fussed for gchatting with the few people I do like.)

So, I was also near tears for the rest of the afternoon.

I guess I can say, at least they didn't buy me laxatives.

Jennifer said...

Meg,

Let me take this opportunity to accept defeat and celebrate your win in the "Most Absurdly Inappropriate and Just Generally Awful" Boss Contest. Congratulations!

Also, I think, as concerned 2b1b readers, we will all need a full update (not toooo much detail) on the colon expedition. Tread lightly, my friend. Laxatives are not to be trifled with. Especially if they came from the Internets and could be smuggled from some crazy 8th world country and have strange ingredients.

My heart goes out to you...I think you should get Boss #1 a package of lessons on How to Behave Like a Normal F*cking Human Being in Public. It would be the best money you ever spent.

Margo said...

Photos of the Jager please!

jessie said...

Please blog about tonight's at-home-internet-purchased colon cleanse. It will do my soul good.

kthx!

maggie said...

wow, i just had my first awkward experience of bursting into laughter in the middle of my class/lecture. everyone is practically asleep except for the front row and i LEGITIMATELY STOPPED the class with my laughter…

HOWEVER, i must have built up some serious karma because apparently at this exact point in the lecture, my boring as a box-o-paper clips professor had tried to make a joke and i was the only one who responded…i wont break his heart by admitting that i was actually laughing at the blog i'm addicted to, he currently loves me

so, meg, i genuinely thank you for entertaining me and simultaneously earning me brownie points right before finals :)

glad jager was a success, wish i could have been there!! i expect pictures soon, btw, so cough up, girl

good luck on becoming a new woman!

maggie said...

AND!! i just realized i've been reading your blog for exactly a year and a month. granted it took me a while to admit that i was reading a blog and finally comment…i wish i remembered how i stumbled upon your genius, since i'm pretty sure it was before all your fancy publicizing shannanigans.
anyways, i would like to toast to our anniversary!

Deb said...

I despise it when people ask why I don't have a boyfriend. Particularly when the person asking is a guy trying to pick me up in a bar (this happens far more often then it should). Its one of those backhanded compliments that never stops sounding like an insult. Why aren't I seeing someone? Because I don't find conversations like this flattering. Now leave me alone.


Also, I was stuck at school studying statistics until some godforsaken hour on Saturday night and I thought of Jagerball and it made me happy to know that at least someone, somewhere, was appropriately hammered for a saturday

Andrew said...

Boss #1 must be watching too much of The Office and getting management techniques from Michael Scott.

Elliot said...

I still would like more stories about the Jager Ball. Preferably with a flow-chart illustrating who hooked up with whom. Very sad to have missed it.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

a) what's up with "widdle"? what am i missing?
Using something sharp to carve something out of wood. I.e.: my vagina fangs.

do you sell your vagina whittlings on etsy? if not, you should think about it. some real holiday money to be made there.
HAH!

yikes, seriously-- be careful with that stuff!!
But it's all natural! And has green tea in it!

Photos of the Jager please!
I'm compiling! I promise!

AND!! i just realized i've been reading your blog for exactly a year and a month
Happy anniversary baby!

Elliot we missed you!

email me: said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
holly_w said...

Oh good god!
You've completely hit the nail on the head here with this one. DYING laughing at how much I am going to remember this and how hard I'm going to have to fight not to respond this way.

B1: Are you seeing someone?
Me: Uh...no?
B1: Why not? [*ZACK MORRIS STYLE TIME OUT!*] This is the single most irritating question on the face of the planet that one human being could ask another. Because I don't know why I'm not seeing someone, asshole. Because I hate sex. And my vagina has fangs. Strong, ample fangs that I sharpen nightly and widdle things out of wood with. And I refuse to get them removed because it's unethical and I fear PETA's wrath. That's why I'm not seeing anyone. Christ. [*TIME IN!*]

Courtney said...

2Turds 1Clog

emily said...

um, er, yeah. i know what what whittling is. i was wondering if i was missing some 2b1b "widdle" joke. apparently not. kthx.

Anonymous said...

"yikes, seriously-- be careful with that stuff!!"

"But it's all natural! And has green tea in it!"

oof, yeah. i'm just saying. my roommate got hooked on that orange powder shit and it fucked her up reeeeal good. she can barely eat anything now.

jes said...

Hey at least it wasn't some sort of fancy KY lube... right? Because something tells me this woman isn't afraid to go there.

Cat said...

Wow... just... wow.

My Dad won't ever accept that I'm "really OK" either. He pushes and pushes until I want to tell him that nothing was wrong until he started annoying the crap out of me, and now he's what's wrong. Ooh, take that imaginary Dad that I talk back to!

Sarah P said...

PUBLIC RELATIONS NIGHTMARE AT MTV!

Domino's has already pulled out of advertising on "Jersey Shore." Italian-American organization says show is offensive!

The Today Show did a segment on it this morning (including clip of "The Situation" saying his abs are so ripped, it causes "a situation.")

Jules said...

I literally laughed, out loud, at "2Turds1Clog." GENIUS.

Great meeting you at Jager Ball, Meg! Hope your friend that fell down the stairs is okay :(.

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