I'm the last person to know about anything. If something is popular and cool, odds are I have absolutely no idea what it is. That's actually a pretty good litmus test of hipness. If I know about it; lame. If I've never heard of it; nice. My two primary examples of this are pogs and the Internet. Ironically, the McBlogger family thought the Internet was a passing fad and didn't invest in it until, oh, yesterday. I spent a large part of my High School career in the computer lab bonding with the foreign kids because none of us had the Internet at home. I also remember going to visit my sister at college and being like "WHAT?!? YOU HAVE THE INTERNET IN YOUR DORM ROOM?!? FEET AWAY FROM YOUR BED?!?! THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!1" Later that night when she went out to party, I opted to stay in her dorm room to surf the 'nets because I discovered that Ben & Jerry's had a website. Seriously. I was like, "Uh, you can keep your little party, thank you very much. Rumor has it Saturday Night Live has a website too! Clearly, I've got my work cut out for me."
I had a similar experience with pogs. I swear to all that is good and holy, I hopped on the pog train the day before they stopped being cool. Mere hours before their stagnation. Week after week I would sit on the sidelines at recess watching the cool kids play pogs, just wishing I had my own to bring to the table. Finally one day after school, my mom drove me to M.J. Designs on Georgia Avenue and I went fucking pog-crazy. There were these huge metal tubs filled to the brim with pogs and I dropped to my knees before them with tears in my eyes, plunged my arms in, lifted them out and let the pogs rain down upon me. This was the day that I was finally going to be cool. I ended up buying five cases in varying heights and neon colors, three slammers, an official pog playing board (to ensure extra popularity) and hundreds upon hundreds of pogs. At the time I was in a Saturday morning bowling league with Teresa and her little sister (yes that's true; no you can not have sex with me) so I got this special set of gilded bowling pogs that I was so incredibly proud of. The next day at recess, I rolled up to the pog circle all fat and cocky, threw down my brand new Stüssy brand slammer and was like "BAM! I'm your new Queen Bee bitches. Now someone go get me a Fruitopia!" Crickets. Absolutely nobody was impressed. They were like, "Sorry Meg, pogs are out. It's all about Airwalk sneakers now. Got a pair of Airwalks?" I looked down at my crisp, white Keds (which may or may not had been puff-painted with my name flanked by two paw prints) and hung my head in shame. Not only was I still not cool, I felt so incredibly guilty that my mom had just spent like 50 bucks on fucking pogs that would never even see the light of day. For months I would bring my pog gear to sleepovers all, "POGS?! POGS ANYONE?! HUH?? HUHHH?!?!" and my friends would be like, "Yyyyeahhhh.............no."
God. Fucking pogs.
Anyway, what I'm trying to get at here is this: have you guys heard about these new-fangled Tide to Go pens?!
That's my personal Tide to Go pen. No big deal.
They are like the absolute coolest things I have ever seen in my entire life. I always thought Shout Wipes and Tide to Go pens were unnecessary little expenditures that probably didn't work, but then I got one! I really wanted to wear the ivory-colored dress I wore last New Year's Eve to church/dinner this Christmas Eve, but it had a giant stain directly on the groin that I never bothered to take to the dry cleaners to get out. The stain wasn't from anything questionable—I was chugging a bottle of Cold Duck Andre (typical) and dribbled a mouthful onto my lap on New Year's. If you know anything about Andre (and if you would like to sit at my lunch table, you'd better) you know that Cold Duck is a deep, rich purple colored champagne and thus the stain was incredibly noticeable. Two hours before church, I ran to CVS and got a Tide go Go pen in a last-ditch effort to get the stain out. AND IT WORKED! This blows my fucking mind. The dress looks brand new. (Besides the fact that it still smells like broken dreams and New Year's vomit, but that's not the point.) I mean, it was a dark purple Andre stain that had been embedded in that dress for a year and in a matter of minutes it was gone! PFWOEIFJWOIEFJ! My world has been rocked.
So in conclusion:
Things I support: Pogs, Tide to Go pens, Cold Duck Andre, drinking straight from the bottle
Things I do not support: Puff-painting your sneakers, dry cleaning, New Year's Eve, the fickle of nature of school children and their fleeting fads, alliterations
Posted by 2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. at 9:54 AM