12.03.2009

I was Accidentally Racist #235234

Ok. So. Don't judge me. But...I was accidentally racist again (or again. Slash again. And again.) last night. BUT! Before we get to those highly embarrassing details, there's another local Jäger Ball I need to tell you about!:

Boston!


Kate and Jenna organized this one and you can hit them up on Twitter if you have any questions or email Kate at katemotter@gmail.com! Despite today's post, people of all races, creeds, religions and ethnicities are welcomed, I promise. ALSO, REGARDING J
ÄGER BALL DC: Just to clarifydrink specials end at 11, not the party. That goes way past 11. It's not a school night bitches; let's get crazy with it! Co-Blogger Chris and I plan on sleeping on a pile of melted ice in the alley of the bar. So there's that. Now, let's get to some good old-fashioned hardcore American racism, huh?!

Yesterday Boss #2 and I hosted a late lunch meeting to show off our new line of furniture (read: Boss #2 gave the presentation, I hung up coats and played Snood in the bathroom.) After our group left, it was my job to go in with a damp rag and clean the surface of everything because a.) we can't have any fingerprints on anything, ever and b.) I'm the office's bitch and that's the kind of stuff I do. As I stood there a-scrubbin', I marveled at the ungodly number of ridiculous fingerprints on everything. "God. There are fingerprints everywhere," I said to Boss #2, "Where did these people come from? A fried chicken conference?" Sigh.............

.............The group we had just hosted was the Congressional Black Caucus.

But! Before you call the ACLU on me or show up at my office with pitchforks and torches, here me out. The following was my thought process:

[Man. There are lots of fingerprints everywhere. This is irritating. You should complain about this.]
"God. There are fingerprints everywhere."

[Hmm...On second thought, you probably shouldn't have done that. Complaining about your job to your boss is never a good idea. You should crack a joke to lighten the mood to show how easy-going and charismatic you are. Because easy-going and charismatic people get raises all the time.]
Where did these people come from? A...

[OK, now think. What gives you greasy fingers? Oh, I know!]
fried chicken


[Now we need a location. What would have a comically ridiculous amount of fried chicken?]
Conference?

That was my thought process. And there wasn't a hint of irony or malice in there, I promise! The second it flew out of my mouth, I realized exactly what it sounded like and made a noise that can best be described as "offfffffffffffmgahhhh!" So altogether it came out: "God. There are fingerprints everywhere. Where did these people come from? A fried chicken conferenceofffffffffffffmgahhhh!" I turned bright red and said, and I quote myself, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean that in a racist way; I meant that in a chicken way!"

I meant that. In. A. "Chicken Way." What's worse is that I don't even think Boss #2 even heard me in the first place. She was like, "Hmm, what did you say? Just use some Windex if it won't come up" and walked away, leaving me to wallow in my own pile of self-mortification. I would have felt so much better had she heard, judged me, listened to my explanation and decided that I'm not racist in the end. It's like when you trip up the stairs and no one's there to see it, so you end up feeling even more stupid somehow. Right?

In conclusion: I am not racist. I enjoy African Americans and Asians and wish only good things for people of those persuasions. Kthnx.

228 comments:

«Oldest   ‹Older   1 – 200 of 228   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Wow no comments?!! I wonder if your readers believe your story Meg of Not being a racist!?! Hmmm, actually I am sure they do! I do this crap all the time, so embarrasing!

Emily said...

I don't think you're racist, but I do think that you should tune into MTV tonight and watch the premier of Jersey Shore. And possibly recap? I feel like it was made with you in mind, and I'm almost certain that the guy that you featured in TALOL a while back is one of the stars.

Anonymous said...

I can't watch the previews of Jersey Shore without going "Jager Bombs! Jager Bombs! Fuckin' Jager Bombs!" and randomly pointing everywhere for a solid ten minutes afterwards.

Anonymous said...

oh so freaking hilarious. although I must admit I am slightly scared to come to Jagerball for any accidental racist slips that may come out of your mouth. Also because I'm still thinking it's creepy to be like heyyyy i'm a huge fan....of your blog

A. Rue said...

This seems like a great excuse to use in all unfortunate situations.

Did you accidentally

...insist that you hate white meat around a bunch of crackers?
"Whoops! I mean like pork! Or chicken! I meant it in A CHICKEN WAY."

...crash into another car?
"I meant it in A CHICKEN WAY! You were supposed to swerve at the last second!

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...put it in the wrong hole?
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(This helpful guide compiled by Beth.)

Brittany said...

Perhaps you have a trapped racist inside you, just waiting to be unleashed and commit heinous hate crimes towards black/asian people. Maybe you feel like you should arrest black babies before they become criminals.

Whatever it is, keep doing it. It's hilarious.

Natalie said...

Welp...in addition to "zach morris style time out" and "son of a butcher" you've now added "i meant it in a chicken way" to my vocabulary!

Thanks Meggles :-P

oh kate said...

I have to admit that I'm not witty and have been trying for the last 15 minutes to come up with a witty comment. I have nothing other than laughing with you because I've done the exact same thing. I'll tell you about it Saturday if you want to share moments of awkward mildly (or not) racist slipups.

Anonymous said...

Saturday is the 76th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition. Saturday is Jager Ball. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

Elliot said...

Oh my poop that is amazing. I just had one of those "laugh too loud in an empty office and everyone turns to you" moments.

me said...

I hope you're accidentally racist on Saturday night. It's my favorite.

You cause me to blog.

Anna said...

jen topppe, if youre out there! can you please comment about your accidental fried chicken statement?! thank you. good day.

Bonnie said...

I have also been accidentally racist.

I work at a restaurant as a hostess and was seating two lovely black women one day. They commented on how it smelled so good and i said "I KNOW! It's the special BBQ pork chips I've been smelling them all day." They responded, laughing, "Pork chips?!" and I said "Sorry, pork CHOPS. Haha like we're gonna sit you down, give you a bag of pork rinds and call it a day." They stopped laughing while i continued. I had to google later that it is stereotypical for black people to enjoy pork rinds.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I don't think you're racist, but I do think that you should tune into MTV tonight and watch the premier of Jersey Shore. And possibly recap?
Definite recrap!

I am slightly scared to come to Jagerball for any accidental racist slips that may come out of your mouth. Also because I'm still thinking it's creepy to be like heyyyy i'm a huge fan....of your blog
I swear I'll be on my best behavior! No racist slip-ups! And honestly, don't worry about the creepy factor. Seriously. I just want to party with you and say thanks! So come!

Saturday is the 76th anniversary of the repeal of prohibition. Saturday is Jager Ball. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.
OH SHIT!

RE: Jen Toppe's Chicken Story: Jen, seriously. If you're reading this I want to ghost write an entry about that moment of Accidental Racism. It's one of the best. Ever.

They stopped laughing while i continued. I had to google later that it is stereotypical for black people to enjoy pork rinds.
HAHA!

Sarah P said...

I get that implying people of a certain ethnic group eat a certain type of food is racist, but ...
fried chicken is so awesome, that implying a group of people like it should be one of those good-racist-but-still-racist things to say, like "Oh, everyone in that ethnic group is funny and beautiful and amazingly intelligent."

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Christine said...

So pumped for the Boston Ball!

Also, congrats on being hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Where is Seattle Jager ball? People need to represent. I nominate King's or Nectar.

The Kuh said...

I had LITERALLY just finished telling a coworker about your last accidentally racist moment when I opened this entry. Crazy.

Remember when purses with faces on them were popular? Like Marilyn Monroe, etc? I had one with Scarlett O'Hara on it, because Gone With The Wind is one of my favorite movies ever. I carried it everywhere. And then I didn't. Why? I accidentally took it with me to Christmas at my black BFF's house.

Awkward. Turtle. It's been buried in my closet ever since.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Where is Seattle Jager ball? People need to represent. I nominate King's or Nectar.
Make it happen!

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*amaris said...

Since when do Asians eat fried chicken??

Courtney said...

One time, my boss told me that she and her brother fondly call each other Nigga. We are white. She then proceeded to say "what? I'm not racist. I have a friend from Africa."

Dan said...

Meg,

This has nothing to do with your post. I just want to let you know that I am coming to the Yager ball only because I have to see what you look like. Personally, I do not believe it's possible for an attractive girl to exist that is able to throw out obscure Simpsons' quotes and references. I hope I'm wrong though, as there is something about your blog that make me think you're hot.

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You said "here me out"...should be "hear me out" DON'T HATE ME...I edit all day at work. Love your blog!

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