12.07.2009

I hope I never see a bus again for a long time

Ok, well, first and foremost, thank you so much to everyone who braved the cold and the inclement weather and came out to drink with us at Jägerball Saturday night! I would say that Jägerball was an out and out success. We crammed as many people as possible upstairs, hell, we even had a line at one point! Who knew?! To everyone I spoke with, it was great meeting you and I do remember your names, regardless of the plethora of pitchers I was drinking. To everyone I didn't speak with, thanks for coming and maybe next time I'll get to meet you and make an awkward pass at you. Something to look forward to, right? I have one small request, and if you guys could help a brother out, I'd really appreciate it. If anyone has any pictures of me, could you email them to me? I'm on the hunt for a new FB picture (haven't gotten around to quitting yet) and I feel as though there may have been ONE single good picture of me taken last night at some juncture. chris@2birds1blog.com, in case you forgot. If you don't have a picture and want to email me anyway, that's cool too. So that's settled then.

Now as I said to some of you, my bus ride down to DC on Friday was HORRIBLE because I got gangbanged by the two biggest men on the planet. It boggles my mind when another tall, broad dude has a choice between sitting next to me and a small Asian woman and he inevitably chooses to sit next to me. So I spent 4.5 hours on Friday stuck behind some guy who needed to recline his seat all the way back and then glare at me when the chair hit my knees and beside another guy who was starfishing it the whole ride, taking up about 95% of my personal space.

This wouldn't happen if my job didn't pay me in gold stickers and good intentions. Because if I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars), you can bet your sweet ass one of the first things I'd invested in would be a personal car and a driver. I would give my left arm to be able to say "Driver, bring the car around." But I don't live in a fantasy world, and I have to settle for the cheapest transportation option around. Which, unfortunately, is how the riff raff of the world also opts to travel. Which is fine. As much as I hate the general population at large, I can tolerate them when it's necessary. But there are choice people in the world who do not understand how to behave in a public forum, and it is those people who I would like to see thrown to a pack of starving lions. Here's the thing, people. It's called public transportation
because you and the public at large are being transported with you. That means that the bus/train/airplane/tram/van/rickshaw is not your own private towncar. Please act accordingly.

On my bus ride home yesterday, I took your standard, standard double-decker Megabus home. Which if you've ever taken Megabus, you'll know that there is no overhead luggage storage. This man must have been new because as soon as he got upstairs, he complained loudly about how there wasn't overhead storage, so there was no place for him to put the 13 bags he carried onto the bus. So what does he decide to do? He puts them in an empty row of seats. Naturally. And does he remove them when we stop in Baltimore to pick up more passengers? Of course he doesn't. He just stares at his stuff daring someone to ask about it. Sir, why are you carrying that much stuff onto the bus in the first place? Do you really need to access each and every one of your L.L. Bean backpacks in the 4 hours we will be in this sardine can? The answer, of course, is no.

A much more memorable experience was my flight home from California from earlier this year. Yes, I'm still holding a grudge against a fellow passenger from over six months ago. But you would too! OK, everyone knows that you need to stretch and stuff when on a long flight so you don't get an embolism and up and die when you stand up, right? Well if not, you're welcome, and now you're going to fear long plane rides for the rest of your life. Ok, so fair, you make sure to stretch and unstretch your legs a few times mid-flight. But NO. This woman stands up somewhere around Kansas, gets into the aisle and proceeds to do yoga for 15 minutes. YOGA. ON A PLANE. Ma'am, I can think of several places for you to do yoga. A gym. A park. Your home. The aisle of a plane is not one of those places. Please sit back down, you hippie bitch, I need to get to the tiny bathroom.

Those are obviously more extreme examples, but I'm sure you all know the type of people that I'm talking about. The person who does not understand that they are sharing with other people. Like the woman who brings her stroller and multitude of shopping bags onto the metro at rush hour. (You're clearly not going to work with your baby. Your errands couldn't have waited an hour or two?) Or the man who sits across two seats so that no one sits next to him. (I can tell by your wide leg spread that you have an impossibly small penis.) Or the girl who spends the entire bus ride talking to Jessica on her cell phone about what a crazy night she had and OMG I didn't mean to let Bobby fingerbang me on the dance floor but he's got such nice teeth and I got drunk on wine coolers and can you believe it? LOLZ OMG! To all this people, I would like this post to serve as an eternal middle finger to you. Please do not watch your step when exiting, I hope you do not mind the gap, and do not have a nice day. Kindly go to hell.

34 comments:

Brittany said...

Chris, I feel as though we are kindred spirits. You hate stupid people, I hate stupid people. You like guys, I like guys. Could we possibly be the same person?

Chris said...

Brittany, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say....yes. We are definitely the same person. Notice how we're never in the same room at the same time?

Katelynn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katelynn said...

If you're rude, the subway gods will swallow you whole.

Here There Be Tygers

Anonymous said...

Wow some bus ride

Anonymous said...

Pet peeves:

1.) people to try and board a subway/ train as soon as the door opens and don't let others off.
2.) loud cell phone talkers
3.) people who decide to strike up a conversation when I clearly hate talking to randoms
4.) tiny girls who over pack their suitcases and can't put them on the over head racks.
5.) the train from philly to trenton to NY that is SUPPOSED to direct connect at trenton but never does because SEPTA and NJT hate eachother.

M.Ives said...

I always try to make myself look really grumpy and intimidating on the bus so that people won't want to sit next to me, but it never works. Could have to do with the fact that I'm reflexively friendly and can't help but smile and say "Oh, absolutely! Go for it!" when asked if the seat is free. Damn it.

Anonymous said...

Lame! Jagerball deets!

kristyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
kristyn said...

I recently rode the Greyhound for 20 hours from central California to Oregon, and ohhh the stories I have about people who never learned to share slash be around the public! One girl clearly pretended to be asleep with her headphones on while sprawling across two seats, and would honest to God IGNORE people when they tried to ask if they could sit by her. Even when the bus was overbooked and there were people standing in the aisle, she maintained her playing dead routine. Way to be a considerate human, high five!

Anna said...

jager ball was a damn success! congrats!!!!!!

Carla said...

That rant is a piece of art. I may have to frame it...

EasyWayIn said...

Nail clipping/filing on public transportation makes me want to do very, very bad things

Courtney said...

issed my flighcisco earlt from LA to San Franier nthe bitch flight attendais year bitch flight attendant did last call boarding 17 minutes before scheduled take off. After arriving to SF 3 hours later than planned I had to ride the train in because my friends were at the bar drinking (i would have done the same-plus i offered). Then an old couple made me give them my seat on the train. She didn't say it out loud, but granny totally eye-called me a bitch. She then burned her laser retinas into my skull until the pain inevitably caused me to just give them the damn felt-covered perch. I can't wait until I'm old and get whatever I want.

Courtney said...

I missed my flight from LA to San francisco earlier this year because the bitch flight attendant did last call boarding 17 minutes before scheduled take off. After arriving to SF 3 hours later than planned I had to ride the train in because my friends were at the bar drinking (i would have done the same-plus i offered). Then an old couple made me give them my seat on the train. She didn't say it out loud, but granny totally eye-called me a bitch. She then burned her laser retinas into my skull until the pain inevitably caused me to just give them the damn felt-covered perch. I can't wait until I'm old and get whatever I want.

Anonymous said...

I was on a bus the other day and there was a girl talking (LOUDLY)about how her and this guy "hooked up" and "make out" and "got down" and how she knows he sweats her but she just "wanted ass". Are any of these statements appropriate in public? I think not.

Shehla said...

This post is my inner voice. My biggest, BIGGEST peeve:
People who stand on subway escalators on the wrong side. Walk left, stand right. Those are the rules, people. Follow or die.

It was great meeting you, Chris. Too bad I was too self conscious at showing up by myself to take pictures!

Anonymous said...

i'm all for this entry but i also wanna hear some of the down and dirty details about the jagerball!! please make this happen!

Anonymous said...

Donde esta jager ball picturos?

James said...

I can't. I just... can't. I can't take the people and the stupidity. So I drive. Whenever and wherever I can. Granted, suburbia requires it of me, but still. Most of the time it makes me glad.

Margo said...

AMEN!!! I LOATHE these people. Where did they come from?! How have they not absorbed some sense of social decency during their time on this planet? Were they raised in a barn? A pack of wolves? A home with no consequences? When is Malcolm Gladwell going to do a piece about these social terrorists?!

Patrick said...

I too have witnessed the weird yoga lady on a flight. I've witnessed far too many other annoying things on flights as well. Ever seen a lady and dog dressed exactly the same walking down the aisle of a 737? *sigh*

Natalie said...

OMG - I never knew what to call it when the man (cause it is always a man) sitting next to me takes up all his space and all mine - STARFISHING! how perfect.

Also - so great meeting you at JagerBall...soon as I figure out how to get pictures off my blackberry and onto my computer, I'll send them your way.

Marie said...

Do people not have any decency anymore? I'm talking about some of the people complaining here.

1) Are you really so inconsiderate that you can't help a girl put her bag in the overhead? I'm sorry, to prevent "overpacking" 1 bag I'll bring 5 bags next time, a-hole. Really, it's not our damn fault we don't grow enormous muscles. My boyfriend helps women/girls put their bags in the overhead all the time and I always complement him on being a gentleman.

2) It is social law that you should give your seat up to an elderly, pregnant, or disabled person. Because Americans are so damn inconsiderate, some places have had to make it ACTUAL law (thats really sad). So I'm sorry if your lazy ass can't sit down for short bus/metro ride, but for the elderly/pregnant/disabled person, that short ride can be like hell. So again, be a gentleman/lady, get your ass up, and let them sit! Now, that doesn't give the lady the right to shoot daggers at you, but still.

Anyway, end of rant - the bottom line is that Americans are extremely inconsiderate (the people you have complained about and even some of the complainers!) and its awful. Being in Europe has really given me perspective that decency DOES exist, and on mass levels! People help other people and are considerate! It's a scary world...

Margaret said...

I shit you not, I was riding the train, and this woman yelled at her 4-year-old boy, "Put on your gloves, you fucking retard!!" So I tots gave her an evil glare, and when her boy started crying she just went, "Oh, shut up." I just wanted to pick the little boy up and run out of the train away from this woman, but I had a feeling that would cause some problems. Honestly though, this woman obviously had no shame or compassion, it was disgusting.

Kori said...

Chris, you were a dancing machine at Jager Ball. I hope to one day be your dance partner for Salt -N- Peppa!

Biz said...

i took the greyhound from atlanta to macon (approx 2 hours) and when we were still about 30 minutes from the station, the guy sitting next to me sprays himself down with axe bodyspray. i wish i could have vomited on him so that he could have had the same experience i did.

Vanny said...

This is brilliant. You are a genious, lol.

Aldrine said...

Hate that thing too.When someone lavishly sprays his odoriferous perfume in a public place like everyone is supposed to like its smell.

Anonymous said...

Once awkwardly shared a taxi ride with someone coming from an airport. Not sure how long the ride was, but long enough to annoy and cost me about $40. During the whole ride she talked to her boyfriend in a not-so-secret--very-obvious-and-uncomfortable phone sex code. When things would get a little to out of control, she'd giggle, look around and go "I caaaan't baby, still in the cab."

Lisa said...

On a recent plane ride, I sat bitch seat between my boyfriend and a super fat nun. When the nun stood up to wait in the terrible lets-all-rush-to-stand-up-and-wait-to-push-off-the-plane-like-cattle line, I picked up my bag, which contained an empty Benihana souvenir scorpion bowl (which I had worked hard to consume), and placed it on her former seat. After standing like a fool and going nowhere for several minutes, the fat nun just plops right back down into her seat, ass first, without looking at my giant yellow bag that had since been placed on the seat. Nun bitch’s ass shattered my scorpion bowl into a million little pieces. I had to throw it away in the trash can after transporting it nearly 3,000 miles. (Ok, so maybe I shouldn’t have placed it on her former seat, but still! I was pissed!).

tdot said...

LOLL @ "so you don't get an embolism and up and die when you stand up, right? Well if not, you're welcome, and now you're going to fear long plane rides for the rest of your life. "

I completely symphathize with every point in this post =)

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