Now as I said to some of you, my bus ride down to DC on Friday was HORRIBLE because I got gangbanged by the two biggest men on the planet. It boggles my mind when another tall, broad dude has a choice between sitting next to me and a small Asian woman and he inevitably chooses to sit next to me. So I spent 4.5 hours on Friday stuck behind some guy who needed to recline his seat all the way back and then glare at me when the chair hit my knees and beside another guy who was starfishing it the whole ride, taking up about 95% of my personal space.
This wouldn't happen if my job didn't pay me in gold stickers and good intentions. Because if I had a million dollars (if I had a million dollars), you can bet your sweet ass one of the first things I'd invested in would be a personal car and a driver. I would give my left arm to be able to say "Driver, bring the car around." But I don't live in a fantasy world, and I have to settle for the cheapest transportation option around. Which, unfortunately, is how the riff raff of the world also opts to travel. Which is fine. As much as I hate the general population at large, I can tolerate them when it's necessary. But there are choice people in the world who do not understand how to behave in a public forum, and it is those people who I would like to see thrown to a pack of starving lions. Here's the thing, people. It's called public transportation because you and the public at large are being transported with you. That means that the bus/train/airplane/tram/van/rickshaw is not your own private towncar. Please act accordingly.
On my bus ride home yesterday, I took your standard, standard double-decker Megabus home. Which if you've ever taken Megabus, you'll know that there is no overhead luggage storage. This man must have been new because as soon as he got upstairs, he complained loudly about how there wasn't overhead storage, so there was no place for him to put the 13 bags he carried onto the bus. So what does he decide to do? He puts them in an empty row of seats. Naturally. And does he remove them when we stop in Baltimore to pick up more passengers? Of course he doesn't. He just stares at his stuff daring someone to ask about it. Sir, why are you carrying that much stuff onto the bus in the first place? Do you really need to access each and every one of your L.L. Bean backpacks in the 4 hours we will be in this sardine can? The answer, of course, is no.
A much more memorable experience was my flight home from California from earlier this year. Yes, I'm still holding a grudge against a fellow passenger from over six months ago. But you would too! OK, everyone knows that you need to stretch and stuff when on a long flight so you don't get an embolism and up and die when you stand up, right? Well if not, you're welcome, and now you're going to fear long plane rides for the rest of your life. Ok, so fair, you make sure to stretch and unstretch your legs a few times mid-flight. But NO. This woman stands up somewhere around Kansas, gets into the aisle and proceeds to do yoga for 15 minutes. YOGA. ON A PLANE. Ma'am, I can think of several places for you to do yoga. A gym. A park. Your home. The aisle of a plane is not one of those places. Please sit back down, you hippie bitch, I need to get to the tiny bathroom.
Those are obviously more extreme examples, but I'm sure you all know the type of people that I'm talking about. The person who does not understand that they are sharing with other people. Like the woman who brings her stroller and multitude of shopping bags onto the metro at rush hour. (You're clearly not going to work with your baby. Your errands couldn't have waited an hour or two?) Or the man who sits across two seats so that no one sits next to him. (I can tell by your wide leg spread that you have an impossibly small penis.) Or the girl who spends the entire bus ride talking to Jessica on her cell phone about what a crazy night she had and OMG I didn't mean to let Bobby fingerbang me on the dance floor but he's got such nice teeth and I got drunk on wine coolers and can you believe it? LOLZ OMG! To all this people, I would like this post to serve as an eternal middle finger to you. Please do not watch your step when exiting, I hope you do not mind the gap, and do not have a nice day. Kindly go to hell.