12.17.2009

Thoughts Chris couldn't flesh out into full entries

- Ugh, relationships. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. They are the one thing in life that truly epitomizes the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." When you're single, all you can think about is that you're single, and so you do everything you can to find that special someone, including shack up with a few people you're sure you've seen on America's Most Wanted but they can turn out to be really caring people if you gave them a chance, right?! Or you successfully find someone who will tolerate your crazy, and then three months down the road the honeymoon period wears off and you realize that you're dating the most heinous beast to have ever roamed the planet, and you fantastize about what it would be able to nail anyone with a pulse without that pesky little thing called guilt.

One thing I have found in my numerous years in training as a relationship expert, is that it is much easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one. Don't believe me? The jump from singledom to relationshiphood is easy. It usually involves some mood music and soft lighting, and is often horizontal. You've grown tired of banging every guy/girl with two eyes and a basic grasp of the English language and your perpetual fear of STIs is starting to ruin your life, so you put down the beer goggles and settle with the least offensive person who will have you. Easy enough.

Getting out of a relationship is a horse of a different color. And that color is shit brown. Because while the thought of being single may be appealing, the reality of being alone again is mortifying. In a relationship, you are Linus, and your significant other is your blanket. They go with you almost everywhere, they don't judge you when you suck your thumb, they are blue and made of cotton. (No? Not so much on that last one?) The thought of being without them makes you want to cower in the corner of Snoopy's doghouse for days on end. This is because it is alot easier to be miserable in a relationship when you're getting laid consistently than it is to be miserable being single and horny.

- Do reality TV show contestants/stars get paid? I imagine they must because it's work. But is there like a sliding scale of payment? For instance, do the Top Chef contestants get paid more than some drunk slut on Rock of Love, since the cheftestants are producing these world-class dishes from Spam, artichokes, and locally grown peat mos, whereas any given ho on Rock of Love is producing nothing more than saliva and various strains of the Herpes virus?

- If you follow me on
Twitter, you know my thoughts about Halloween and New Years are about the same. A large amount of planning goes into it, a small amount of fun comes out of it. Do you think that the inverse would work, and if I just didn't plan at all for NYE, I'd have a friggin blast?

- Political correctness is the worst thing to have happened to us as a people and a nation. I think instead of making everyone be so damn June Cleaver all the time, we should make everyone learn how to take a fucking joke. Being a 'mo, I feel like I have my right to express this opinion, as I can tell the difference between gay bashing and innocent joking around. If a friend of mine calls me a "fag," I'm not going to call the ACLU and demand retribution. However, if some random stranger with a lead pipe does the same, then it's time to worry.

One group of my college friends was particularly great about this, in that we had a gay, a Jew, a Puerto Rican, and two Asians (like we're prizes in a cereal box. Collect all 4!). And we all made fun of each other equally, without anyone ever feeling hate crimed. Maybe I was spoiled, so that when I make an Asian joke, it's not out of any inherent racism, it's because I am just used to poking fun at my Asian friends. I just would expect anyone I offend to say "Well at least I'm not gay," in return. It's only fair.

- I worry about growing up. Not for any vain reasons like "Oh no, I don't want to lose my hair!" or "My ears are going to get so huge and gross!" or "I don't even want to know how much loose skin I'm going to have" but mainly because I fear I'm going to be
that old man. Not the creepy lecherous old man who stares at you on the subway and licks his lips, but the old guy who says whatever bat shit crazy thing is on the tip of his tongue. I'm just not patient with strangers, especially ones who are inconveniencing me (duh). I'm already a hair's breadth away from yelling at a complete stranger for breathing too loudly, imagine what's going to happen when I completely lose that filter with old age. Scary things will happen.

19 comments:

James said...

Oh, Juice Box, you worry too much.

Brittany said...

Chris, I would just like to point out that Political Correctness is the dumbest shit that smart people have come up with. "Oh please, let's just all get along and don't offend anyone," and then we get so scared of offended everyone, or we get offended by people that are offending other people. That sounded a little confusing.

I like to make jokes about all races. I talk about how black people whisper 'Master is calling,' and that all Asians love rice gruel. Also, I would like to point out I make great fun of Hitler and George W. Bush, and compare them at times. I talk about how much husband is such a miser, and if only he had a bigger nose could I call him a Jew because he's so cheap.

And people laugh at my jokes because they can't believe how serious I am. But those people that are laughing unbelievably don't understand Sarcasm. Which is what I do. I am the person in conversations where I am 100% sarcastic and the other person is believing I am totally serious.

I say we trample those who are politically corrected with our vulgar stereotypes and assumptions.

Natalie said...

Good post Chris! PC-dom is overrated, but I think the problem is most people aren't smart enough to be funny and semi-racist/homophobic at the same time. Hence the inevitable fall out.

See comment #2 for example... i'm not offended so much as confused. Plus, "sarcastic" people always come off cowardly to me - if you've got some racist shit to say, own it! Stand by your stereotype, but hiding behind "sarcasm" then being surprised when people are offended by your flagrant disrespect of their culture is a bitch move.

I guess when you're a minority being made fun of by non-minorities there's just the "you really don't get it" feeling that lingers long after you're done trying to figure out what the fuck the jokester meant.

RetroTrasher said...

man I can't wait to be old and say whatever the hell I want. I don't care if they take me serious or not because "there goes that crazy old biddy again" but man to yell at kids, I honestly cannot wait.

Becky Mochaface said...

Don't be scared. That's the greatest gift about old age. You don't give two flying shit monkeys about what anyone else thinks so you're free to say what you want. And here's the best part... no one will talk back. Unless it's another old person. Then it's just entertaining.

Anonymous said...

How do you feel about people saying Happy Holidays vs. Merry Christmas?

Meredith said...

I have a feeling you will be like this guy when you are old.

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Anonymous said...

LOVE Shit my dad says, I agree I think Chris you'll be just like him when you grow up.

Also, where's Meg? Is everything okay??

TinyDancer said...

People LOVE to be offended. It's like a fad or something... being offended. I'm so glad you are not one of those people. Chris is a fabulous man. :)

Shelagh said...

Wait, my ears are going to get huge and gross when I get old? :( I didn't know that.

Anonymous said...

not doing anything for NYE either. i told people (like, two of them) they could come over for rich sass and cheap wine, but frankly 2009 was a cruel year, and that's all it's getting from me.

Anonymous said...

and by cruel, i mean fuck-- i have the swine flu RIGHT NOW.

kallay said...

because your blog counts as my ab workout everyday and because i can always count on your humor to make my day, i have given you an award...

it's on my blog.

i also gave you the award because i simply can't wait to see what your ten favorite things will be. dr. reuben had BETTER have a slot.

thanks for making my days brighter.

Sarah P said...

I love blunt old people! They know they can say whatever the fuck they want and no one can get mad at them. In fact, everyone has to say, "Oh, isn't that so dear. What a pistol! Hahaha."

Younger people unreasonably get called "assholes" for the same behavior.

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mstor87 said...

I get what you guys are talking about along the lines of political correctness and there's a difference between challenging ideas or making jokes and prejudice and ignorance. But really when any of the above is involved how often does anyone distinguish them and actually know where the line ends.

Frankly, as a 'mo myself, I would rather have people try not to offend people than be rude ass fuckers, there's a line between challenging ideas and being progressive and otherwise being tactless and rude.

Also, if you've heard of the Sapir-Whorf Hypothesis, it's the idea that language shapes the way our culture evolves, and vice versa. The very language we use (such as fag) actually do contribute to the very ideologies and beliefs we deal/live with today.



(And let's be honest a lot of hullabaloo about PC is only because you're made people don't "get" your humor. Sometimes jokes are just bad. ;)

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