- Ugh, relationships. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. They are the one thing in life that truly epitomizes the saying "The grass is always greener on the other side." When you're single, all you can think about is that you're single, and so you do everything you can to find that special someone, including shack up with a few people you're sure you've seen on America's Most Wanted but they can turn out to be really caring people if you gave them a chance, right?! Or you successfully find someone who will tolerate your crazy, and then three months down the road the honeymoon period wears off and you realize that you're dating the most heinous beast to have ever roamed the planet, and you fantastize about what it would be able to nail anyone with a pulse without that pesky little thing called guilt.
One thing I have found in my numerous years in training as a relationship expert, is that it is much easier to get into a relationship than it is to get out of one. Don't believe me? The jump from singledom to relationshiphood is easy. It usually involves some mood music and soft lighting, and is often horizontal. You've grown tired of banging every guy/girl with two eyes and a basic grasp of the English language and your perpetual fear of STIs is starting to ruin your life, so you put down the beer goggles and settle with the least offensive person who will have you. Easy enough.
Getting out of a relationship is a horse of a different color. And that color is shit brown. Because while the thought of being single may be appealing, the reality of being alone again is mortifying. In a relationship, you are Linus, and your significant other is your blanket. They go with you almost everywhere, they don't judge you when you suck your thumb, they are blue and made of cotton. (No? Not so much on that last one?) The thought of being without them makes you want to cower in the corner of Snoopy's doghouse for days on end. This is because it is alot easier to be miserable in a relationship when you're getting laid consistently than it is to be miserable being single and horny.
- Do reality TV show contestants/stars get paid? I imagine they must because it's work. But is there like a sliding scale of payment? For instance, do the Top Chef contestants get paid more than some drunk slut on Rock of Love, since the cheftestants are producing these world-class dishes from Spam, artichokes, and locally grown peat mos, whereas any given ho on Rock of Love is producing nothing more than saliva and various strains of the Herpes virus?
- If you follow me on Twitter, you know my thoughts about Halloween and New Years are about the same. A large amount of planning goes into it, a small amount of fun comes out of it. Do you think that the inverse would work, and if I just didn't plan at all for NYE, I'd have a friggin blast?
- Political correctness is the worst thing to have happened to us as a people and a nation. I think instead of making everyone be so damn June Cleaver all the time, we should make everyone learn how to take a fucking joke. Being a 'mo, I feel like I have my right to express this opinion, as I can tell the difference between gay bashing and innocent joking around. If a friend of mine calls me a "fag," I'm not going to call the ACLU and demand retribution. However, if some random stranger with a lead pipe does the same, then it's time to worry.
One group of my college friends was particularly great about this, in that we had a gay, a Jew, a Puerto Rican, and two Asians (like we're prizes in a cereal box. Collect all 4!). And we all made fun of each other equally, without anyone ever feeling hate crimed. Maybe I was spoiled, so that when I make an Asian joke, it's not out of any inherent racism, it's because I am just used to poking fun at my Asian friends. I just would expect anyone I offend to say "Well at least I'm not gay," in return. It's only fair.
- I worry about growing up. Not for any vain reasons like "Oh no, I don't want to lose my hair!" or "My ears are going to get so huge and gross!" or "I don't even want to know how much loose skin I'm going to have" but mainly because I fear I'm going to be that old man. Not the creepy lecherous old man who stares at you on the subway and licks his lips, but the old guy who says whatever bat shit crazy thing is on the tip of his tongue. I'm just not patient with strangers, especially ones who are inconveniencing me (duh). I'm already a hair's breadth away from yelling at a complete stranger for breathing too loudly, imagine what's going to happen when I completely lose that filter with old age. Scary things will happen.