12.22.2009

Results of our Home for the Holidays Competition!

First and foremost, thank you so much to everyone who sent stories in for our little competition! Co-Blogger Chris and I read them and loled our pants off. And once our pants were off, we made love for seven whole hours. That's how much your stories moved us. They made Chris temporarily straight and me temporarily more tolerant of Gingers. Behold your glory. But of course there can only be one winner, so congratulations to...Nate Hinners!

Just kidding, that's not Nate Hinners. That's Nate Dowse, UW-Patville mechanical engineering major and All-City Swim Champ, who's picture comes up when you do a google image search for Nate Hinners. And while I'm sure Nate Dowse is a totally nice guy, one hell of a swimmer and a maven with a wrench, he's not the winner of the J
รคger Tap DispenserNate Hinners is. So congratulations Nate! We loved your story and it will run in all of it's awkward glory tomorrow! Enjoy the tap dispenser and take a (few) shot(s) for us.

(And for the record, yes, that really is me on the right. Told you my boobs were big.)


Honorable Mentions (in no particular order):

Toria
Johnson.

"When I was twenty, I met my first lesbian. Wait, what? I know what you're thinking. Was this girl living under a rock? I'd really love to say yes, because that would make me feel better about myself. Except...I lived in Bellevue. Which is essentially Seattle. And Seattle regularly hosts things like naked bicycle races. It's not exactly hetero-palooza. But whatever you guys, I am an embarrassingly oblivious person. So when I say that Louise was my first-ever lesbian acquaintance, what I really mean is that this is the first person who was explicitly labeled as a lesbian. But I can pretty confidently say I would have clocked her even without the debrief, because she spent 76% of her time hitting on my grandmother..."
Toria, you had me at "lesbian" and "enema."


Emily Clark
"...So to recap: we're at dinner having discussions and reminiscences of early marriage and how all the married folks met each other. The newly engaged couple start telling HILARIOUS (not) stories of how they just moved in together and it's so crazy learning all these things that you didn't know about the other person like zomg did you know Frank uses q-tips to clean his nostrils every morning upon waking??? etc. etc. Everyone chuckles and my mother turns towards me and says "Don't worry honey, you'll learn all about this when you move in with your husb--- I MEAN PARTNER." (caps/italics/bold added by me but seriously that's what it sounded like in my head). This, of course, halts ALL conversation, every head whips in my direction because HOLY SHIT, SHE'S GAY?!?! Whereupon I practically shit myself trying to swallow the food I had in my mouth and say Haha it'll be a husband fyi just in case you are all wondering ha ha ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
fffffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

And, uh, there you have it. A long-winded telling of how my mom informed me that I was a lesbian in front of my family and 10 odd neighbor-folk. "
True or false...your mother and my mother go to I Think My Daughter is a Lesbian Anonymous (ITMDLA) meetings together?

Emily Shepard
"...I dated a guy about nine months ago (coincidental number, no this is not a story of how I have a lovechild.) We were not super serious. We were never bf/gf. And it lasted about 6 months total. I broke it off because I thought neither of us cared enough to try any harder at it, and I was done. Have we got an image in our head of how this 'relationship' was? Good..."
You just perfectly described 78% of every relationship I've had in 24 years of life. Tip of the hat to you, Ms. Shepard.

Lilly T.
"First, I have to warn you that this is a story that is disparaging of someone who is dead. So, reading it may secure you a place in hell. I don't know for sure, but I suspect it."
(Honorary win for best introduction ever.)

Holly Phillips
"...The year after, I got gymnastics Barbie for Christmas—a gift I specifically asked for. When I opened it, I was super pumped! I mean, her joints were like all crazy and crap. But my excitement was quickly deflated when my grandpa immediately asked, “Holly, why did you get the
black one?” I guess you should know my grandparents are typical southern conservatives—they mean well, but in the end it doesn’t always work out. When I was accepted to Louisiana State University, my grandmother merely said, “Were there a lot of blackies there?” She refers to homosexuals as, “the gays” and thinks I’m a lesbian after I laughed at something Ellen Degeneres said..."

Andrea Koebbe
"...It began one Christmas evening when I was 15. The presents had been unwrapped, the food eaten, and my family and I sat around the room in almost silence whilst the realization that though we only see each other twice a year, Christmas and Easter, we still have nothing to say to each other slowly crept into my mind. Enter my mother. After putting away the leftovers she sat down and said, “I was watching this show the other day and it said it’s the aphrodisiac in turkey that makes everyone so sleepy. That’s why you are all so lethargic and quiet.”'
God, if only. That would justify why I eat so much turkey quite nicely.

"Wannabe McBlogger"
"...Well, either I drank far more than I should have or the weed was a lot better than I thought because the next thing I know, I'm staring at the empty seat at the table and ask...."Where's Bruno Seabass???!!!1" Where's.Bruno.Seabass. The whole table turns and stares at me with the expression just screaming "what in the fuckity fuck fuck?!!?!"
Me: You know, that huge black guy (please note, all 4 people sitting at the table were the whitest whities in Whitieville)
Them: umm...who!?
Me: BRUNO SEABASS!!! YOU KNOW! THE HUGE BLACK GUY?!?!?!?!?!!!! He was sitting right there!!!!
I even created a themesong for him...
Seeeaaaaabass du du dududu
Smoke some grass du du dududu
Kick some ass du du dudududu
...and so on....
Yup. I was hallucinating. In front of my boyfriend's mother. The first time I met her. I think I blacked out after that because I'm not sure how I talked my way out of it. All I know is that 6 years later I was married to that boy. His mother and sister-in-law STILL ask me where Bruno Seabass is. And a little piece of me dies every time they do."
I loved this story. Not to mention the points garnered for the pen name and for citing the classic Nokia game, Snake.

Mike Spurill
"...3) Holiday Party 2005: My good friends Ian and Colin were throwing a Christmas party which I was super excited about. They always had plenty of booze and were good company. The party turned out to be a hodge poge of Marys all shoved into a small two bedroom apartment taking turns lip syncing "Defying Gravity" and talking about who ever wasn't in ear shot. So overall it was a success. I should probably preface this story by saying that I am kind of the drunk mother of the group which usually translates into really aggressive cock blocking. About a half a bottle of vodka into Holiday Party 2005 I became uncomfortably irritated with one of the other gays. It's no secret that gays sometimes have a problem with any word that ends in the letter 's' and that we move our wrist fast enough to keep every light in New York on for a solid hour. This guy didn't talk a whole lot but when he did it was nothing short of un nerving. If Macy Gray had a stroke and then was asked to sing at the Grammys only days later out of sheer pity (and if she was ever asked to sing at the Grammys it would be out of sheer pity anyway) that is what this kid would sound like FUCKING AWFUL. Three quaters a bottle of vodka into Holiday Party 2005 we decided to go to the bar. It was about this time that I noticed Gay Macy Grays stroked out self was pawing at my good friend Ian. I could tell that Ian was getting frustrated and somewhat uncomfortable and I totally understood. Then I noticed that this kid had something in his hair. I am not usually a nice person I am a self described 'hater' but it was the Holidays and I thought I would help the kid out. So I walked over and said " HEY KID! YOU HAVE SOMETHING IN YOUR HAIR COME HERE!" He looked at me perplexed and terrified as I reached for the side of his head. My friend Colin happened to look over and shouted "NO!!!" I reached for the side of his ear and proceeded to pull what looked to be a string. It was then that Gay Gray began to honk....not scream HONK. As it turns out this kid was actually deaf and I had just yanked out some tube and a hearing aid. Everybody looked at me like I was the only Jew in the room. Everybody was shocked and I have to admit that I did feel mildly bad about the whole thing. I felt like I had just sucker punched Helen Keller's great, great, great, great, great nephew or something. A few people helped him get everything situated and everyone began to play it off ....awkward."
In the words of the great Rachel Zoe: I die.

Anna Fulmer
"...Wife: You know who she (me) looks like? Honey back me up, who does she look like?
Boss: I dont know babe, who?
Wife: Trevor, come on, who does she look like
Trevor: I dont know...
Wife: LIKE CONSUELA!! TREVOR, YOUR HELP, THE ONE WHO MADE US THE ENCHILADAS AT YOUR PARENTS HOUSE!!! RIGHT???
Full disclosure, I'm half Spanish, am pretty tan in the summer, and have dark hair and eyes. However, I in no way look like Trevor's 65 year old, grey-haired, squat, Mexican housekeeper."

Christine O'Brien
"...I then proceeded to tell my entire extended family about my friend Landon who had just been released from max security prison (after 4 days due to overcrowding in the regular jail) for serving alcohol to minors. I later told my mother that I had slept with this boy freshman year, in a handicapped bathroom, though I didn't find out about this fact until literally years later, when he tried to reignite the fire. Also, I used to cheat on my high school boyfriend with Landon's roommate, Alex. My mother was, how do I say this...not impressed."
I appreciate that my note on Christine's piece simply says: "Sex in a handicap bathroom. Christine, you are a girl after my own heart."

----------------------------------

Thanks again to everyone who submitted, thank you to jagershop.com for contributing the tap and make sure to check out the blog tomorrow for Nate's full story! <3

22 comments:

James said...

I knew it. This is the best blog readers community EVER.

Nate Hinners - is that NATE Nate?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

It is!

terri said...

wow, so if nate's story tops mike's then i cannot wait to read it :)

James said...

Awesome! Can't wait for the story.

PS I'm committed to sending you something or other before the holiday. Which gives me another 58 hours to procrastinate.

KC Neal said...

Thank you, these are so awesome! The name "Bruno Seabass" made me laugh so hard I just about pooped myself!

Margo said...

OMG- I want to read the full submissions of ALL of those! There is no one in my office this week but me, so I can LOL all I want.

Brittany said...

I just wanted to say. This is fantastic.






That's what she said.

Julie said...

that just made my day. The hearing aid story KILLED me.

kallay said...

i just got home from my long ass workday as a caregiver for a sweet, sweet elderly woman who crapped on me while bathing her. this totally made up for that.

maggie said...

one: these are amazing.

two: i had an experience today that just felt way too 2birds to keep to myself.
after a grueling week of finals i had a bajillion books to bring back to the library today. so, happy as a clam, i shoved the entire stack down the return slot where they fall into a great big, disheveled heap (hmm…that was vaguely orgiastic)
however, i had some loose-leaf gov't docs that i didn't want to drop into the pile where they would probs be torn to shreds. at this point, a (hot) friend of a friend working behind the desk comes up and i say, gesturing to one of the docs "heyy, i don't really want to put THIS down THERE," and pointed to the slot under the desk. the old woman checking out books a few feet away looks over, horrified, and sees me pointing down towards my vajay (actually the book slot). as her eyes shift accusingly between me and the boy, he decides the best way to diffuse the sitch is to say, "it's alright, we KNOW eachother." i stare at him, he stares at her, and she makes the sign of the cross. not. kidding. she decided that i was damned to hell and freakin called on jesus for help.

Anonymous said...

Wow, if Nate won out over Mike's delightfully horrible story, I can't WAIT to read it!

Anonymous said...

i am so happy that assaulting a handicap person made others laugh. i am flattered! thanks everyone. love mike

Nate said...

I'm a day late in commenting because I was stuck at an airport for 8 hours yesterday en route to visiting my parents in Florida and I didn't bring my laptop...

But I believe a big THANK YOU is in order!

I can't wait!

Also, I hope you all like my story. If you don't, I'll set your car on fire.

Just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Hello, looking on Google for Snake wine information I found your website, do you have anything more posted here related to Snake wine liquor ?
Snake wine is shown there:
http://www.asiansnakewine.com/

I previously bought a snake wine I am now looking for any other creature wine as mice or tokay, any idea where to find ?

Thanks a lot for your help.

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