9.16.2009

Thoughts I couldn't flesh out into full entires

- I've totally fallen out of my gym routine. Which is irritating because it hurt like child birth to get me into said routine in the first place. My sister has been singing yoga's praises for months now and lord knows she's 50 times more jacked than I'll ever be, so I thought joining her Yoga/Pilates class last night would be just what I needed to get me back in the gym mood. Gym foreplay, if you will. It was my first yoga class ever. My thoughts:

1.)
Yoga District is located in a fifth-floor walk-up. And yowzahs. Because it's always good when you're gasping for air as you sign up for the class.


2.) Um, hi. I sweat like a bitch last night. Like, an embarrassing amount. And no it was not a Bikram yoga class, but given how disgustingly red and sweaty I was during and afterwards, it might as well have been.


3.) Note to self: wear adorable, skimpy yoga outfit like everyone else next time.


4.) PS to self: go to gym and lose weight before acquiring said adorable, skimpy yoga outfit.


5.) So the instructor touches you, 'eh? I was aware she would probably have to touch me to adjust my stance and such, but at the end of class, during our quiet meditative time, she came around and gave each of us like a mini head/shoulder massage. Which I'm in no way complaining about. I just felt bad for her (...see thought #2).


6.) Overall, this experience less motivated me to go to the gym because it felt so good and more motivated me to go back because I'm now incredibly aware of how grossly out of shape I've become. This was Becca's first class at Yoga District, and apparently it was no where near as challenging as she normally likes. As she said, it gave her "yoga blue-balls." I, however, feel like I got hit by a car this morning...Back to the gym I go.


- Speaking of ridiculous things my sister has said, the other day we were discussing her intense love of mustaches when she mentioned how excited she was because it's almost, "mustache season." Apparently, mustache season begins after Labor Day ends, in a sort of reverse White Pants Rule kind of way. Or as Becca puts it, "When the white pants go away, the mustaches come out to play."

I have never felt so completely molested by a sentence in my entire life.


- Russell The Co-Worker is driving me completely fucking crazy for the following reasons:

1.) Whenever he introduces me to one of his clients, he introduces me (in a Southern accent) as "Boss Lady Meghan." This makes me highly uncomfortable for so many reasons. Specifically because Russell is African American and his referring to me as his "Bossy Lady" makes me feel slightly too slave-mastery for my liking. I always feel like after he says that I should make a joke about how I can really "crack the whip," but then the .5% of me that actually has some common sense tells the other 99.5% of me to shut the fuck up.


2.) Oh. My. God. The sucking noise. Russell makes this noise with his mouth all god damn day long that grates my nerves like you wouldn't believe. To replicate the sound, please do the following: place the top of your tongue on the back of your front two teeth; pretend like you're about to say the word "Thursday"; now suck through your front teeth. Hear that high-pitched, squeaky noise that's produced? That's what I hear all day long. ALL. DAY. LONG. You know how they say that the painful part of Chinese water torture isn't actually when the water hits your forehead, but rather when you're waiting for the water to hit your forehead? It's the same principle for Russell's Chinese Air-Sucking Torture. The anxiety I feel at any given moment sitting at my desk, just waiting for him to suck air through his two front teeth is unparalleled. Unparalleled and maddening. What about being in a shared office environment makes you think it's acceptable to repeatedly make a high-pitched and irritating squeaky noise with your mouth? It's just endlessly confusing to me. And now I have all this anxiety about whether or not I should say something to him about it. Because on one hand, it's legitimately driving me insane and I'm about to lose it, but on the other, telling a co-worker to stop sucking air through his teeth might make me That Guy. Jury's still out.


3.) I have to clean up after him all day long. I understand that he's never going to offer to help me clean up after big events like his meetings or lunches. Yes, it would be a nice gesture, but I gave up on society a long time ago. I've accepted that people don't really waste time on nice gestures, and I've moved on. However, what I refuse to accept is that he can't even be bothered to close doors or drawers after himself. I mean, honestly, how much extra effort does it take to close a drawer all the way?? The energy spent pushing a drawer shut all the way and the energy I will inevitably spend fuming when you don't are completely disproportionate. When you're done with a drawer or cabinet, close it. Completely. Because it just shows such a blatant lack of respect for me and my time that when faced with the task of shutting a drawer, he's like "meh, Meghan will do it," and gives it a half-push. Because, frankly, fuck you, buddy! I have better things to be doing with my time. Better episodes of Dynasty to be watching. Better paper airplanes to be making.

The following photos are actual photos taken this morning as a result of Russell's inability to shut doors. I assure you they were in no way staged:


(True story: directly after taking this photo, I started to hear this irritating beeping noise. I looked around everywhere trying to figure out what it was, and then I realized it was the refrigerator beeping, asSURPRISE!Russell didn't close the door all the way behind him and the temperature had dropped too low. See next picture.)





I am not your wife, sir. Nor are you my child. It is not my job to walk around and pick up after you all day. So shut the fucking door behind you or I will punch your front teeth out and kill two birds with one punch.

- What I'm about to share with you might very well be one of those things that's only funny to me, but it was also funny to Alex, so I'll take a risk and share with you. I'm going to let the e-mail I sent to Alex a few weeks ago while he and Helena were in Greece speak for itself:
From: Meg
To: Alex
Subject: Important

Alex:

I just tried to download the Scissor Sisters song "Making Ladies" because I thought it would be a good gym jam. I couldn't find it on itunes, which only made me want to listen to it even more. I went to youtube, searched "Making Ladies" and subsequently found a video of someone designing female Sims characters and dressing them in gothic club outfits, which they wear to go line-dancing in, all the while with "Making Ladies" playing in the background.

I guess what I'm asking is, when you come back from Greece, would you like to get high with me and watch this video a bunch of times?

Please advise.

- Meg



To quote Alex after he first saw it, "Thank God the Internet was invented."

128 comments:

Amy said...

I was just saying that this morning. Totally regret giving up on my gym routine. I call aerobics on TV gym porn. Especially when they're hardly wearing anything.

Anonymous said...

Dear meg- I am currently stuck at Reagan international because American airlines sucks at life and I now have FIVE FUCKING hours to burn... And was thinking if I knew anyone in DC and well... Since were pretend friends and all (in no way do I mean that in a creepy way) I am in need of DC advice. WHAT IN THE HELL DO I DO WITH MYSELF for the next FIVE hours? I'm bored and am getting drunk at Fridays.. And am in need of eye candy (which clearly has evacuated this airports faster than I evacuated that guys apt the other morning). Help!

-Your biggest fan

Trout said...

If you're looking to get into shape quickly, try Crossfit.

While horribly hard, it's also highly addictive and very rewarding. All the women at my gym take a perverse pleasure in beating me in many of the workouts. Yes, men and women do the same workout (weights are scaled though) at the same time.

Check out Primal Fitness (they offer a lot of stuff in addition to Crossfit), but there may be a location closer to you.

Shannon said...

Call Russell out on his crap. My coworker talks to himself AND leaves a trail of crap where ever he goes, and it drives me insane. I used to subtly suggest that this wasn't appropriate office behavior, but now I just bluntly tell him he needs to clean up after himself. I figure if he's going to act like a child I get to scold him like one.

Sarah said...

My roommate is also incapable of shutting drawers and cabinets. I've considered setting her on fire as a possible solution, but I've been told that might be an overreaction. Glad to know other people have this problem too.

Genesis said...

so is Russell really his name? if so, are you ever afraid he'll google himself and then randomly find this entry? highly unlikely, but anything is possible with the internet!

my suggestion for the brawers and door thing is go to his office when he's not there and just open everything and leave it like that.

Anonymous said...

BRING BACK THE COLORBLIND COMMENT ON THE RIGHT!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dear Anonymous fan: I recommend you go to the metro, get on the blue line towards Largo Town Center, get off at Metro Center and bring me a venti skim latte from Starbucks.

Genesis: I wasn't afraid of that, but now I am.

And the last anon comment confuses me. Please explain.

Margo said...

Sweet Lord, the woman outside of my office drives everyone here CRAZY. Yesterday my boss said, and I quote "She is like facebook without the computer." At first, I was like "...the fuck?", but then I realized he is genius.

She is all up in your ear space updating her status "I'm cold! Good lord it's cold in here!" to no one is particular. Busting out random quotes while eating bizarre food combinations, like yesterday's lunch of popcorn and sushi, "this Chinese horseradish is hot!" It took me 5 minutes to realize she was talking about wasabi. And the sighing. She sighs like a child in time out every 20 minutes, and it disrupts whatever I'm doing (usually reading your blog.) Wasting my time, in person, all day.

Bill said...

Meg blogs in green
Chris blogs in red

Sucks if your colorblind...

In response to anonymous' comment and your confusion

Bill said...

meg red; chris green

poor memory

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

OH!!!!

I forgot I took that colorbind comment off. And I don't know why I did in the first place. So I'll put it back.

Thank you for clearing that up Bill. <3

Julie said...

I feel your pain with Russel. I share a cubicle wall with a Russel. Everyday at 12:30 like clock work her pretzel bag opens, and chomping away she goes--WITH HER MOUTH OPEN. She then SLURPS an apple (its possible, like sucking the juice out), and a yogurt. This is after a solid 4 hours in the morning of humming and stomping along to her internet radio that she plays WITHOUT headphones, and on top of it all, she's a bitch.

JKreids said...

Send him something anonymously from http://nicecritic.com.

I work with a MEEK who always comes into my office, leans against the wall and says nothing. She did this yesterday and I assume she wants to talk but DOESN'T so I ask dumb questions about her "wedding." (which will forever remain in quotes. i dont believe that #1 it will happen or #2 that it's real). she met with some crafty ladies at work over lunch to talk about designing her invitations. she told me how excited they got and her responses to their ideas were : "whaaaaaaaaa?" "woahhhhhh" "slow dowwwwwwwwwn" "aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!"

moral of the story: expand your vocabulary before entering my office.


go to nicecritic.com and tell Russell your probs in a lovely, passive-aggressive way.

Angelle said...

fuck the gym. There is free exercise right on OnDemand and you can get gross and sweaty free at home. I would like to high five your sis on the praises of yoga because I love it. Furthermore, I would totally get high with you and watch that vid.

Have a good day Miss Meg :)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Hmm...I wonder if I have OnDemand. I have the most basic-level ghetto cable hugs and high-fives can buy. But thank you for the suggestion, I'll check it out!

LB said...

"I have the most basic-level ghetto cable hugs and high-fives can buy."

That is an awesome description.

And I'd tell Russell to stop with the annoying teeth whistle. It's a tick, it's stoppable. I sat by a heavy breather for a year, but it's not like I could be all, "Hey stop breathing, will you?"

Leslie said...

OMG-I'm dying over this post. My husband does the SAME thing with the cabinets and drawers and I, too, took pictures one day to show him how ridiculously lazy it is in hopes that he would get an effing clue.

Um, nothing has changed.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yea but how do I tell him? I mean, I'd feel like such a jackass just wondering in one day and being like, "Oh, beeteedubbs: you make this god awful sucking noise through your teeth and it's been driving me crazy for the past 9 months. So stop. Mmmk, see you at the water cooler!"

You know?

Eleanor said...

I think it's absurd that every time I walk by the pilates or yoga classes at my gym, I think, "okay, I'll lose like 20 more pounds so I can take that class." but it's nice to know that someone else thinks along the same lines as me.

Although, kudos to you for actually having the balls to enter the room. I'm not there yet.

ashzilla said...

Next time he does it near you, just say, "Would you mind not doing that? Its awfully annoying." If he has a problem with it, let us know. We'll cut him.

heeheeeee

Rachel said...

I was horribly upset by that whiote pants comment when it happened. I was there with you and equally creeped out. Also, has she told you I am totally one of thise drawers and cabinents people? It is not something I am proud of. I hoinestly dont even know I do it and didnt belive Becca when she told me....until I lived alone and thought I had a ghost.

miss you!!

Candis said...

"Sucks if your colorblind" I wondered where that went too. That's how I knew I was going to love this blog when I found it.

James said...

Hmm... Screw the gym. Is a dietary coma still an option?

Also, talk to Russell. I had to talk to annoying coworker Maureen, I was just blunt and told her she needed to stop getting into my personal space and talking to me when my headphones are on. Then she was crying later. But that's not my fault - she's not a stable table, and coworker Kathleen also snapped on her that day.
Plus Russell is a grown little man, so hopefully he won't cry.

Cat said...

We had a guy at work who constantly whistled. Like, you knew when he was coming down the hall because you could hear his distinctly unique, monotone whistle coming 5 minutes before he did. It drove us all crazy, because it was never a tune, just a constant, one-note whistle. At first we tried subtle hints: closing the door to his adjoining office whenever it started up, posting a Dilbert cartoon about an office whistler in a blatant location, designating a password to an office database "whistling". Finally my blunt coworker just told him to stop, but he thought it was a joke and kept on doing it.

I think you should start a spin-off blog just about annoying coworkers, because I'm really enjoying reading all the comments about people's crazy coworkers and I could add quite a few more stories to the pile!

emily said...

so i'm a little late, but i've been in france. no, really. but i couldn't NOT comment on annoying co-workers b/c i used to work next to this guy who made a phlegm-hacking noise alldayeverydaynonstop. oh em gee it was ungodly annoying.

we tried EVERYTHING to get him to stop, to no avail. what is it with people who think that repulsive bathroom behavior is approps in the workplace?! i also worked with a guy who cut his fingernails while sitting at his desk. EW.

Anonymous said...

1. You were totally at the same yoga/pilates class as I was. I refuse to call it "yogalates."

2. Did you know that Meghan McCain will be speaking at your alma mater this week? Thought you'd be interested.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

YOGA JINX!

And yes! I'm trying to go!...to punch her in the ovaries.

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