The Whitest White Kid Post of Them All

I've been having some serious iphone drama lately and it's made me aware of three things:
1.) I hate myself for being so painfully white that I have "iphone drama"
2.) I might be an alcoholic
and 3.) I might have arthritis

I got the original iphone December 2007 for Chrismukkah and fell in love with it. I specify it was the original iphone less to be a Smug Pug and more to emphasize it had the older, boxy design. Which was a magical design. Magical and wonderful and I miss it. When I first saw it on that snowy Chrismukkah morning, it was love at first sight. We started slow
dinner, movies, late-night phone conversations, intimate heart-to-hearts, custom ringtones...but eventually like all of my relationships, things got abusive. (What?) (I don't know.) More specifically, I got absuve. I treated that thing like a Frisbee. It had more dents than Rhianna's face after a road trip with Chris Brown. (RELEVANT.) But the thing isOriginal iphone never gave up on me. It faithfully served me for almost two years without so much as a single dropped call. Then one day this past Junetragedy. I was at the gym, chuggin' away on the elliptical, listening to some Ashlee Simpson C+C Music Factory Hall and Oates' Man Eater Jay-Z, when my hand accidentally whapped the headphone cord and sent Original iphone flying off the magazine rack and plummeting to the ground. Embarassed, I got off the machine, picked it up and made sure it was ok (it was...such a trooper), got back on and started working out again. I swear to god, not three strides later, I whapped it off yet again. Except this time it didn't plummet straight to the ground. No. It literally ricocheted off the sides of the elliptical, hitting every piece of machinery in it's way going down to ensure it was finally good and dead.

$99 dollars later (plus tax) (Jew...), I had a new mid-level iphone. Not the newest, nicest one, but one step up from the original model. And I fucking hate it. Yeah it's got the 3G network and nerdspeak, blah, blah, nerdspeak blah, but frankly, it is really hard to hold. You see, the original iphone had a more rectangular, boxy design whereas the newer iphones have a sleeker, curvier design that's like trying to hold a wet bar of soap. See helpful image below:

Seriously. I feel kind of retarded saying this, but I can't hold my new iphone to save my life. I got it four months ago and it looks like I've had it for four years. The very first weekend I got it, I dropped it on the ground and the SIM card broke. Since then, I can honestly say that I drop it on a daily to tri-daily basis. And it isn't just me being careless like I was with Original iphone! It's just really cumbersome to hold! I put the blame squarely on Steve Jobs, not this girl.

Also, whereas Original iphone could take a beating like a real woman, Nouveau iphone is a total pussy! The SIM card always slips out of place, it freezes, drops calls and echoes. After only four months of use! And let me tell you a little story about Original iphone: one night after I had had..."a few Chardonnays," shall we say, I came home and crawled into bed with a giant bowl of Kashi. Unfortunately for me, I passed out after the second bite and awoke the next morning to discover the bowl on the ground, half-full of milk and completely full of iphone. I fished my phone out, let it air dry on a paper towel, threw some Windex on it and I swear to Jah, it was 100% fine. Even after two years of use and being fully submerged in a bowl of milk overnight, it was good as gold and better. Now that is what I call a cell phone.

I think I've officially decided to dump Nouveau iphone. But! I have an idea for it's replacement
The Jitterbug. GENIUS, RIGHT?!

What's a Jitterbug, you may ask? Um, what isn't a Jitterbug may be a better question:

Basically a Jitterbug is a comically simplified cell phone made for old people and me. But more importantly, it's specifically designed to be easy to hold! This idea started out somewhat as a joke, but I honestly think getting a Jitterbug might be in the top five Best Ideas I've Ever Had. Not only is it easy to hold, it's significantly cheaper a month than the iphone, delivers clear sound and reduces background noise, is available in graphite or white AND comes with with this clever beaded lanyard so I don't have to worry about losing it when I'm out boozing!:

I quote Lady Gaga's Just Dance: "Where are my keys/I lost my phone?" Ummm...check your Jitterbug beaded lanyard. 'Nuff said.

Best idea ever, or best idea ever ever?


Rachel said...

LOVE IT... oh iphones... why do you hate us all yet make us fall in love with you. Only lanyard issue that I can spy... increase in number of drunk texties to random/inappropriate people. just me? maybe so...

Caitlin said...

I have the same issue w. my new iPhone! The sim card gets screwed up even if I don't drop it. You should get a rubber case...

Unknown said...

Can a jitterbug text? If yes, I say go for it. That is nothing but an endless series of awesome conversations waiting to heppen. And Rachel, regardless of what Chris says, drunk texties to random/inappropriate people are NEVER a bad thing.

Grant said...

There is no way the Jitterbug texts.

Don't you have to, like, call a 1-800 number just to put contacts in the stupid thing?

L said...

I am having the same issues with my blackberry and I'm about to break up with it as well. Clearly we can't handle the 'fancy' technology and need the days of yore with giant keypad numbers and no apps. thank god its not just me.

btw- are you going to recrap the hills and the city. there were so many comments i wanted to make about last nights episode but i was waiting for your insight.

Erin said...

I love hearing about the food you sleep with.

Unknown said...

I'm pretty sure the target market for the Jitterbug was not 20-somethings who have problems with coordination, alcohol, eating, and sleeping... although now I'm noticing many of those symptoms also apply to 70-somethings... so good call of the Jitterbug. I think you were made for each other.

Christine said...

I feel your pain on the iPhone front. I have the 3GS and I've dropped it at least a few dozen times thus far...solution? Get the Mophie battery pack case. It doubles the battery life, protects little Milton (yeah, I named my iPhone Milton, what of it?) from all of my drunken abuse, AND the case makes it way easier to hold.

As helpful as a Jitterbug on a lanyard would be in the getting-you-laid department, maybe you shouldn't give up on the iPhone just yet...

poelondon said...

"Don't you have to, like, call a 1-800 number just to put contacts in the stupid thing?"

HAVE to? Don't you mean GET to!? That's one of the best parts! I would totally love for some poor call center worker in India or another remote time zone to have to type in my latest "contact's" information while I'm drunkenly slurring and falling off a barstool!!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I have so many things to say:

1.) Rachel: I'm actually not a drunk texter. Weird, I know. That's more Chris' thing.

2.) Meghan: I am not a Rockefeller.

3.) James: UGH, after further research it does not text. And even though I'm not a drunk texter, I am a sober texter in a big, big way.

4.) Grant. God damnit. You are so right. You really do have to call a 1-800 number to add contacts. See this helpful informational video:

L: Chris will be taking over Recrap Wednesdays and recrapping The City, like he did last winter. He doesn't have today's because he's going through some stuff and it will be up tomorrow. Given Monday's post, I can't really blame him.

As far as recrapping The Hills goes, I would rather swim in pool full of Spencer Pratts than watch 30 seconds of Kristin Cavallari. The Hills is dead in my eyes.

Erin: That comment made me laugh out loud.

Ryan: RIGHT?!

Christine: Aw, Milton. I named my iphone Alex because he got me a sweet, sweet discount. Little Alex the iphone. <3

Cassie said...

I suggest you go on ebay and buy a new old iphone. then you and your beloved will be reunited.

@youhearme/Candis said...

Oh my geez. Where have you been all my life. You're insanely hilarious to the point I almost wet my pants reading this at work. When I come to D.C. I'm coming to Metro Station to bring you a Ventiwhateveryoulike from Starbucks and we're promtly going to lunch. Hello!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Wow, thank you very much! <3

Matt D said...

this is how movies like Crash start. (the spader one)

Elizabeth said...

speaking of i lost my phone one friday i was really wasted even after just eating some yummy dennys and at like 4 am drunk dialed my parents (yeah we tight like that) in any case i was also having a convo with my friends while trying to talk to my parents. which apparently went down like this:

me: shit you guys i dont know where my phone is.
friends:well you had it at dennys right.
me: yeah it was sitting next to me in the booth. shit i totally left it there. hey mom and dad i gotta go i left my phone in dennys and then hung up.

Betcha that wouldnt have happened with the jitterbug. It never would have made it next to me in that booth it would have been securely around my neck and i wouldnt have had to cab back to dennys with my phone in hand.

gotta love the tequila.

oh kate said...

I have a newly orphaned iphone 2g that's looking for a new home. it was never dropped (amazing? I think so) was in a case at all times and had a screen protector at all times. if you're willing to give the iphone a second chance we can work something out.
don't give up just yet!

Anonymous said...

The Hills IS DEAD! Kristen is a C U Next Tuesday.

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