The Whitest White Kid Post of Them All

I've been having some serious iphone drama lately and it's made me aware of three things:
1.) I hate myself for being so painfully white that I have "iphone drama"
2.) I might be an alcoholic
and 3.) I might have arthritis

I got the original iphone December 2007 for Chrismukkah and fell in love with it. I specify it was the original iphone less to be a Smug Pug and more to emphasize it had the older, boxy design. Which was a magical design. Magical and wonderful and I miss it. When I first saw it on that snowy Chrismukkah morning, it was love at first sight. We started slow—dinner, movies, late-night phone conversations, intimate heart-to-hearts, custom ringtones...but eventually like all of my relationships, things got abusive. (What?) (I don't know.) More specifically, I got absuve. I treated that thing like a Frisbee. It had more dents than Rhianna's face after a road trip with Chris Brown. (RELEVANT.) But the thing is—Original iphone never gave up on me. It faithfully served me for almost two years without so much as a single dropped call. Then one day this past June—tragedy. I was at the gym, chuggin' away on the elliptical, listening to some Ashlee Simpson C+C Music Factory Hall and Oates' Man Eater Jay-Z, when my hand accidentally whapped the headphone cord and sent Original iphone flying off the magazine rack and plummeting to the ground. Embarassed, I got off the machine, picked it up and made sure it was ok (it was...such a trooper), got back on and started working out again. I swear to god, not three strides later, I whapped it off yet again. Except this time it didn't plummet straight to the ground. No. It literally ricocheted off the sides of the elliptical, hitting every piece of machinery in it's way going down to ensure it was finally good and dead.

$99 dollars later (plus tax) (Jew...), I had a new mid-level iphone. Not the newest, nicest one, but one step up from the original model. And I fucking hate it. Yeah it's got the 3G network and nerdspeak, blah, blah, nerdspeak blah, but frankly, it is really hard to hold. You see, the original iphone had a more rectangular, boxy design whereas the newer iphones have a sleeker, curvier design that's like trying to hold a wet bar of soap. See helpful image below:


Seriously. I feel kind of retarded saying this, but I can't hold my new iphone to save my life. I got it four months ago and it looks like I've had it for four years. The very first weekend I got it, I dropped it on the ground and the SIM card broke. Since then, I can honestly say that I drop it on a daily to tri-daily basis. And it isn't just me being careless like I was with Original iphone! It's just really cumbersome to hold! I put the blame squarely on Steve Jobs, not this girl.

Also, whereas Original iphone could take a beating like a real woman, Nouveau iphone is a total pussy! The SIM card always slips out of place, it freezes, drops calls and echoes. After only four months of use! And let me tell you a little story about Original iphone: one night after I had had..."a few Chardonnays," shall we say, I came home and crawled into bed with a giant bowl of Kashi. Unfortunately for me, I passed out after the second bite and awoke the next morning to discover the bowl on the ground, half-full of milk and completely full of iphone. I fished my phone out, let it air dry on a paper towel, threw some Windex on it and I swear to Jah, it was 100% fine. Even after two years of use and being fully submerged in a bowl of milk overnight, it was good as gold and better. Now that is what I call a cell phone.

I think I've officially decided to dump Nouveau iphone. But! I have an idea for it's replacement—The Jitterbug. GENIUS, RIGHT?!

What's a Jitterbug, you may ask? Um, what isn't a Jitterbug may be a better question:


Basically a Jitterbug is a comically simplified cell phone made for old people and me. But more importantly, it's specifically designed to be easy to hold! This idea started out somewhat as a joke, but I honestly think getting a Jitterbug might be in the top five Best Ideas I've Ever Had. Not only is it easy to hold, it's significantly cheaper a month than the iphone, delivers clear sound and reduces background noise, is available in graphite or white AND comes with with this clever beaded lanyard so I don't have to worry about losing it when I'm out boozing!:


I quote Lady Gaga's Just Dance: "Where are my keys/I lost my phone?" Ummm...check your Jitterbug beaded lanyard. 'Nuff said.

Best idea ever, or best idea ever ever?