Yesterday afternoon, Meg and I were both sharing horror stories from our formative years. Specifically how we were both not even remotely cool, nor did we have very many friends. Luckily, neither of us is Josie Grossy anymore. (This movie has been on E! at least once a day recently, and I’ve watched it about ten times in the past week.) Our awkward middle school selves have matured into awkwardly charming 20-somethings who no longer pee our OshKosh B’Gosh overalls in social situations (but the larger issue at hand being that we are still wearing OshKosh).
So regardless of how much of an asshole I may come off as sometimes, I am fairly competent at making friends. But when it comes to taking friendships further, that is a horse of a different color.
Seriously, I just do not understand the fundamentals of flirting. If you asked me how to get from point A to point B, where point A is a bar and point B is someone’s bedroom, my best guess would sound like a MacGuyver plot, involving a shoestring, tin cans, and bubblegum. And then I would realize I was building a contraption to open a wall safe instead of someone’s fly.
Prior to recently (read: in college, when everyone was perpetually wasted so game never mattered), my strategy was just to be as forward as possible without being completely crass. After 5-6 Busch Lights, I would just outright tell someone that I wanted to make out with them. Plain and simple and to the point. I found that it worked, as people assumed that my tactic was to act like I had no game, and that was somehow endearing. I do, however, realize that this only worked when you say it to someone’s face and not via text message. Because no one wants to put forth the effort for awkward sexual advances. This strategy gets eclipsed, at times, when 5-6 beers turns into 10-11 and you start making out with anyone and everyone. Guys, girls, dogs, a ficus, a buffalo chicken wrap, you name it.
Part of my problem is that I am never quite sure where being friendly ends and being flirtatious begins. True story: my reviriginization ended when I was out at a bar, chatting with my (now) boyfriend, and he says “Ah, it’s kinda late, and I don’t want to have to catch a train, do you mind if I stay at your place?” And literally verbatim, I said “Sure! No problem! I’ve got a futon!” And it wasn’t until we got back to my apartment that I realized he wasn’t sleeping on the futon. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.
But that’s the thing with having game is that you are never supposed to actually make your intentions clear. That’s why pickup lines hardly ever work. (Sidebar: if they has worked for you/on you, I’d love to know). Because a line like “Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them,” clearly states “I would like to have sexual intercourse with you. Please reply.” If someone were to use a tried and true line on me, I would more than likely still sleep with them, simply because that’s such a ballsy way to hit on someone. Of course, first I’d ridicule them for having nothing more original to say than “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.” But I find that ridicule is a great way to make it to date #2.
Frankly, I would prefer someone use a line than take the “Silent Bob” strategy of announcing one’s intention. Everyone is familiar with these people at bars or clubs (and if you’re not familiar, then you are that person). These are, usually guys, who don’t say anything to the guy/girl they are interested in. Instead, they use a crowded location as an excuse to unabashedly grope someone. As if your latest gropee is going to turn around and start making out with you, because molestation is so hot right now. Usually, but not always, this is proceeded by intensely staring someone down. You know how mimes are vaguely creepy because they don’t ever say anything? Why do you think not speaking is going to land you a hot hottie? I would be more interested if you pretended to be trapped in a box. But even then, I still wouldn’t sleep with you.
So what’s a guy or girl to do? What do you do outside of college to meet that special someone? Being completely liquored up stops being a socially acceptable method of introduction unless you are on a company retreat or a VH1 dating show. And it certainly does nothing to help you remember anyone’s name if you end up next to them in the morning. There’s got to be hope out there somewhere. So I turn to you fine people, because nothing gives me hope more than our readers. What works for you in the flirtation department? Have you been seduced by a Silent Bob? Have you used a pickup line successfully? How do you bridge the gap between friends and friends with benefits?