9.16.2009

Recrap Wednesday: The very special TWO HOUR series finale of More to Love!

Before you read my recrap of last night's series finale of More to Love, I need to you to know a few things about the state I was in last night when I wrote it:
1.) I had just come home from yet another day of abuse at work.
2.) I had to stay at work until 7 o'clock to clean up after Boss #1's last minute "Happy" Hour, canceling plans I already had and making me look like That Guy.
3.) While I was cleaning up said "Happy" Hour, I sliced my right middle finger open on a cheese knife and therefore wrote this recrap down a finger. (Blogging is a full-contact sport. Don't say I never did anything for you.)
4.) I'm not going to lie, as my fee for staying late at work on such short notice and slicing my finger open, I stole a bottle of wine and three bottles of beer. I wrote this recrap not entirely sober, hopped up on Mucinex and in a state work-induced depression.

That being said, enjoy.
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Can you believe it? It's our last episode of More to Love. I feel the same way I did when high school ended: partially relieved it's all over but mostly sad the curtain is falling on such a beautiful shit show. (Cue Vitamin C's Graduation Song.) If More to Love has taught me anything, it's that fat people missed out on crucial high school moments (what with being fat hogs and all). Therefore, I'd like to take this moment to do my part in giving these fine women a part of the high school experience they may have been too fat to experience: Superlatives.

Biggest Ta-dows:

Malissa

Most in Need of a Supportive Bra:

Mandy Gyllenhog

Most Likely to End Up a 40-Something Divorcèe/Office Manager:

Lauren

Most Likely to Cut You up into Tiny Pieces and Store You in Her Refrigerator, Taking You Out Only at the One-Year Anniversary Mark to Eat You Like a Piece of Wedding Cake:

Kristian

Least Likely to Have a Vagina:

Tali

Most Likely to Break a Bicycle:

Malissa

Least Likely to Open Her Eyes:

Mandy Gyllenhog

Most Likely to Loser Her Virginity in a Produce Aisle:

Danielle

Least Qualified as "Overweight":

Arianne

Least Painful Elimination:

Bonnie

Most Painful Elimination:

Kristian

Best Location for a Date:

The set of Medieval Hog Fuckers IV

Worst Location for a Date:

The SS Rohypnol

Best Dressed:

The Zebras in Episode 5

Worst Dressed:

The Entire Cast

Most Likely to Be Poured on Everything:

Aunt Jemima

Least Likely to Make a Decision That Makes Sense/Most Likely to Describe Himself as "Husky"/Most Likely to Describe Another Person as "Precious"/Most Likely to Get the Best Cuts of Meats/Most Likely to Take a Date on a Party Boat/Most Likely to Pop a Cork Between His Legs/Most Likely to Actually be a Child Molester:

Luke Conley


Congratulations to our winners! And with that, I give you your last More to Love recrap.

Our final episode takes place in Lukey Boy's hometown of Santa Maria California. Luke describes Santa Maria as a laid-back, blue collar kind of town. You know, the kind of town where a man can walk proudly down the street with his bountiful man boobs and tiny dog and no one will bother him none. Mmmm...I like it. Luke and his comically tiny, emasculating dog Max have a lot of soul searching to do. For, you see, he just can't decide between Malissa or the Tranny. On one hand Malissa is about as interesting as an HPV vaccination, but on the other, the Tranny is...well...Jewish. And therein lies the problem our final episode exploresLuke is a nice, devout Christian boy and his one-special-someone is a Torah-reading, upper-lip-bleaching, glass-smashing, matzah-ball-gargling Jew. What's a boy to do?! Consult his family, that's what!

Our horned-maiden Tranny is the first finalist to meet Luke's father, grandmother and brother. AND OH WHAT A MEETING IT IS! I would give anything for my future boyfriend's family to be just like Luke's for the following reasons:
1.) Luke's dad reminds me exactly of Champ Kind from the movie Anchorman. And let you a story: one day during sophomore year in college, my floor decided to cast what celebrity would play each floor member if our lives were made into a movie. As a point of reference, College Roommate Danielle was cast as Kylie Minogue. I was cast as the fictional character Ron Burgundy. "NOT LOOKS WISE!" Ex-co-blogger Eddie assured me, "just PERSONALITY wise." This would be the one moment where that would be a benefit, not a giant insult.

and

2.) Oh my gentle Jesus
Luke's Grandmother. She is a-freaking-dorable! She's just the sweetest old woman with black teeth and a hair net you'll never meet! If my sophomore year floor were cast her in a movie, she would be played by Whistler's Mother. And all I want to do is kidnap her, take her to the nearest Cracker Barrel and have her tell me all about life over an order of chicken-fried steak and a tall glass of sweet tea. Bless her heart.

The Tranny gets the privilege of meeting Champ Kind and Grammy first....with her shirt tucked into her pants. Unfortunately. For us. As Luke and The Tranny roll up, Luke's family is having a good old-fashioned backyard bar-b-que, featuring the infamous best cuts of meats. Now, I've never officially met a significant other's family, but if I did, I'd like to think I'd know better than to bring an Entenmann's brand store-bought bunt cake with me...cough Tranny, cough...Anyslice, Tranny meets the fam and raps with Grammy about her Israeli background. "I think it's great to experience different cultures," Grammy tells The Tranny. And of course she does! Because she's the most adorable thing on the planet.

Unfortunately, not all at the table are as open-minded as Grammy. Specifically Champ Kind. Champ is just a little pre-occupied with this whole Jewish mishegoss Tranny's got going on. "I mean, Tali could be my future daughter-in-law," he later tells the camera, "She could be the future mother of my grandchildren!" So, you know...sucks she's a kyke and all. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?! The family sits down to dinner and prays over their fine cuts of meat in the name of their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Amen. "Praise the Lord and pass the taters!" says Luke's dad. And I'm not embellishing. That's really what he said after the prayer. And I fell a bit further in love.

Luke's family asks about The Tranny's background and she says she moved to New York City four years ago with 20-dollars in her pocket and a dream and has since become a motivational speaker for young girls with weight problems. To which, I say
the fuck? Thus far, Tranny's by-line has always read "Fashion Stylist/Decorator." When did motivational speaker get thrown into the mix? Can I start making up shit when people ask what I do? If so, I'm a forensic scientist and part-time go-go dancer. Officially.

Despite Tali's big penis heart, Champ is still unsure about the idea of her ending up his daughter-in-law. He's curious how she, as a Jew, feels about Christianity and what faith Luke and Tranny would raise their children. "It's a conflict for a lot families," he explains to Tranny, "Being Christian and being Jewish, there's going to be some hurdles to jump." .........Riiight. Having a Jewish mother and a Catholic father myself, I totally get what Champ is talking about. I mean, those damned hurdles
like getting double presents at Hanukkah and Christmas time and generally learning to become a more open-minded personSUCKS...

Baruch a ta ado-five minutes later, it's Malissa's turn to meet Luke's paternal family. And boy does it go a lot smoother than with The Tranny. Malissa impresses Luke's dad with her Aryan Irish Eyes, brings flowers instead of a Snack Pack, loves that the family says grace and generally just impresses the hell out of everyone. Grammy even asks her for a hug! That lucky, fat bitch! Later, in a private moment, Champ tells Luke that he thinks Malissa would be a perfect addition to their family and it feels like "she's the last missing piece of the puzzle." ...After 20-minutes of meeting her. Which is perfectly normal. And healthy. Luke, however, still isn't convinced. He needs advice from the one woman he always goes to when he needs crucial advice: his mother.

The next morning Luke's mom, in all her ill-fitting white pin-stripe suited glory, unexpectedly drop by the house to meet her son's final picks. And holy shit do Tranny and Malissa duke it out to impress this woman..."I told this to Luke's dad, grandmother and brother yesterday," Malissa tells her, "but thank you soooo much for raising such a great guy." BBBBAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than suck up to a woman wearing Jones New York. But, then again, I'm single. Malissa goes on to try to impress Mrs. Luke with her (instant Pillsbury crescent rolls) cooking skills and The Tranny, not to be outshone, shares her inspirational no-cats-in-America-and-the-streets-are-paved-with-cheese story of moving to America and becoming
a model. Ok, seriously homegirl, pick a trade and commit. As of now, Tali is being billed as the following: fashion stylist/decorator/motivational speaker/model/potter/painter/Starbuck's barista/welder/CVS pharmacy technician/speech pathologist/ghost-hunter/freelance bodyguard. Perhaps it's time to narrow down the list a tad bit. Either way, Luke's mom is lapping it up. She LOVES her some Tranny! She finds her inspirational and thinks that although basic values have to be shared, they can definitely come from different religions. WARM BONDING GLOWING GLOW! Malissa doesn't do herself any favors when she tells Mrs. Luke that she tried out for the show on a whim and is just here for the "experience." A-PSHH! Wrong answer tubs! You're here to prove that love comes in all different shapes and sizes, duh. During Malissa's one-on-one time with Luke's mom, she fucks it up even more by divulging that she's an ex-skinny-person. (Not to mention the fact that she's wearing camo sweat pants, but that's neither here nor there.) That being said, I actually teared up at this scene. Malissa opens up to Mrs. Luke about her mother's death and says, "I'm just so sad my mom won't be there on my wedding day. " "Don't worry," Mrs. Luke says, "Another mom will be there for you. Trust me on that one." I don't know if it's my love for Diane talking or the free Sam Adams Oktoberfest, but I suddenly realized tears were 100% streaming down my face. From a scene of More to Love...strong, strong statements 2009. Although Mrs. Luke thinks Malissa is light-hearted and fun, she confesses to Luke that "thinking about Malissa as a future daughter-in-law feels extremely premature," whereas she thinks "Tali is amazing." BUT WHAT'S LUKE TO DO?! "...I know you'll make the right decision," she cryptically tells Luke. And sometimes what you don't say says it all, you little pin-stripped poor-man's Diane Keaton, you.

Before our final elimination, Luke takes each girl on one final date. As per any More to Love date, they're both ungodly boring, full of awkward kisses and premature confessions of love. Later, Luke confesses that he loves both girls, but there's a difference between being loving someone and being in love with someone. And he's only in love with one girl. BUT WHICH ONE!?!?!?!!11 In the mean time he plays them both like fiddles. The Tranny says she loves Luke, Luke says he loves her. Malissa tells Luke that "if you ask me to marry you, I would say, YES, YES, YES
a thousand times, yes!" To which Luke says, "We've only just began." Now, if I were in the bedazzled dress sitting across from him, I'd toss my glass of Robert Mondavi wine in his face and walk out, as proper tense usage is an important characteristic in my potential life-mate, but again, I'm single.

The next day, our love triangle prepares for the final elimination. Luke goes ring shopping
GASP!and Malissa and The Tranny visit the gayest man on God's green earth to get their hair and make up done. Obviously, I sort of fell in love with him, as having a gay man play with my hair while I dish about my love life is my version of heaven, but more importantly! Luke has made his final decision!

As Luke stands in the winner's circle, nervous beads of sweat and marinade drip down his face and he turns to look at the ring box beside him. Malissa rounds the corner and approaches our hero with his shiny, shiny lips and golden broquaed tie. They kiss and hold holds. A hush falls over the crowd of one in my apartment. "I love you for who are you are," he tells Malissa, as her eyes like up like a marshmallow held too long over the fire, "BUT, my heart belongs to someone else. I have to let you go." OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! MALISSA'S OUT, TRANNY'S IN! WIN FOR THE JEWS! WIN FOR THE BRUNETTES! Although, I have been blonde for an (unfortunate) period of my life and my dad is Catholic, so I guess this also kind of a loss for me in a way. Just another one of those hurdles I'll have to jump in my lifetime...

After Malissa waddles away in defeat, The Tranny makes her way down the aisle and approaches Luke. "I know life has made it difficult for people like you and I to find love," Luke tells her, in what has to be the worst intro to a marriage proposal of all time, "but you are such a beautiful curvy woman. You make me a better man............will you marry me?" And she says................................YES!

MOZEL TOV, BABIES!!!!!


Hava Nagila - Dario Moreno

The couple is registered at Crate & Barrell, Omaha Steaks and Estrogen 'n Things.

It's been a priviledge and an honor to recap this shit for you. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have.

40 comments:

Meghan said...

Um you forgot the best line of the whole show. Malissa: "I try to watch what I eat, but I dunno... maybe I just need glasses or something." As she shovels down pepperoni pizza.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAH. That's right! I think I blocked that line out...

Natalie said...

The superlatives were hilarious!

I sorta wish this show had been "Fat chance of love" on Vh1 though. Can you imagine if the show had been populated with fat sluts (i.e. - 30 Malissa's and Destinee's) instead of women who were actually looking for love? Now that would've been the shit.

Trout said...

wait, WHAT!? Since when is Vitamin C's Graduation Song the defacto graduation song? I thought it was Green Day's "Time of your life"!

Crap, my entire late teens was done all wrong!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Or Semisonic's Closing Time.

Grant said...

"Good Riddance" is only good for one thing - inducing a fatal aneurysm in my brain.

Seriously. I hate that song.

So, what's the next recrap series gonna be?

Loretta said...

This just goes to show us that the way to a man's heart is through his mama.

Megan said...

http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/09/16/luke-proposes-on-more-to-love/

Please read the comments. O.M.G.

Genesis said...

LMAO. you know i actually watched a couple minutes of this craptastic show, the part where malissa meets the family...ALL BE CAUSE OF YOU. lol.

i couldnt help but think what you were gonna write today.

so what show is up next on our Recrap Wednesday?

Mike said...

Grannie reminded me of a mix of Grannie from Beverly Hillbillies and Momma Bates from Psycho.

AmyMusings said...

Nothing says Stacey and Clint like a bad bra.

Brittan said...

The tranny? ...Really?

Well, I never watched a single episode and somehow I feel more invested in these fatties than if I had been a regular More to Love-r.

I'm sad it's over. Recrap is my weekly grab-a-bowl-of-cereal-and-curl-up-with-my-laptop time.

Margo Sexton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Any thoughts on your new show to recap being Gossip Girl?

EasyWayIn said...

As a Jew engaged to a Catholic, I, like Luke's dad, have had doubts about the future, and 'hurdles' and the like. But after reading this recrap, I know we'll be okay...we'll ALL be okay. Tears, More to Love, tears.

LW said...

I played a variation of the DGT last night with the Biggest Loser. The only rule? Drink when fatties cry. The result? A hangover on Wednesday.

jessica lynn said...

dear gawd thank you for the recaps. you have saved me at least 9 hours of my life in not having to watch the actual episode & just reading your recraps. xo

Cat said...

I'm going to miss these. The 26 year olds who've known each other for a few weeks talking about marriage, the horrible outfits, the shiny, shiny lips, the vague career paths...

Season 2! Season 2!

So are you gonna stay on the fat track and recap Biggest Loser next?

Anonymous said...

I was having an absolutely horrible day. Thank you so much for this. Turned my entire day around. I know it sounds trivial, but it really, really helped.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Psh, thank you. That comment just made my day feel worthwhile.

Brian said...

OH snap! My mom is Catholic and my dad is Jewish!

Hooray mixed-faith families! Double presents for Hanukkah/Christmas was indeed AWESOME growing up.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Right? And we get to pull the Jew Card during High Holidays and get out of work. UP TOP!

The Kuh said...

We added a few of our own rules. Like, "Drink whenever anyone says something that is particularly offensive bullshit (i.e. when Tali described Luke as being "such a GENUINE person"). There were more, but that was the one that got me through at least 2 beers. Should have drank every time Luke said, "in it to win it," which makes me giggle cause it reminds me of "hit it and quit it". Don't know why.

Anonymous said...

Meg, I've absolutely LOVED your recaps of More to Love, and I really really hope you continue with them if the show airs for a second season at any point in the future!!!!!!

Claire said...

Ok, no one has commented on how disgusting Luke's heavy breathing was during the last 15 minutes. AND THEN they had to make sloppy kissy noises...I just couldn't stand it.

Seriously, I thought it was Darth Vader about to propose.

poelondon said...

The real reason behind the title "more to love," suddenly becomes apparent...."two penises are better than one."

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

HAH!

Well played, friend.

James said...

I think it's actually kike. Unless you're implying she's a jewish lesbian. In which case kyke is brilliant.

Bobadebt said...

I didn't know where else to post this, but I recently saw the "plus-sized model" (Anna?) in a Ross commercial! Look for her wearing a red sweater

Anonymous said...

Danielle Grant 23, of Las Vegas is a RAPIST, she and another man used a date rape drug on Victim at Sahara Palms Apartments 2900 El Camino ave. apt 170, Danielle L Grant sodomized the victim with a plunger. She is lite skinned 4 '7 to 4'9 and she drives a Black Ford Focus, She works as an dental assistant during day. STOP her please. Victim is too ashamed to tell Police. Memory just now coming back. Danielle L Grant MUST BE STOPED. She is a drug addict and dealer ( Lortab and Meth ) sometimes works as a Vegas Escort/Prostitute when she needs money. If you have information on her criminal activities Please contact the Las Vegas Police Dept.

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