Before you read my recrap of last night's series finale of More to Love, I need to you to know a few things about the state I was in last night when I wrote it: 1.) I had just come home from yet another day of abuse at work. 2.) I had to stay at work until 7 o'clock to clean up after Boss #1's last minute "Happy" Hour, canceling plans I already had and making me look like That Guy. 3.) While I was cleaning up said "Happy" Hour, I sliced my right middle finger open on a cheese knife and therefore wrote this recrap down a finger. (Blogging is a full-contact sport. Don't say I never did anything for you.) 4.) I'm not going to lie, as my fee for staying late at work on such short notice and slicing my finger open, I stole a bottle of wine and three bottles of beer. I wrote this recrap not entirely sober, hopped up on Mucinex and in a state work-induced depression.
That being said, enjoy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you believe it? It's our last episode of More to Love. I feel the same way I did when high school ended: partially relieved it's all over but mostly sad the curtain is falling on such a beautiful shit show. (Cue Vitamin C's Graduation Song.) If More to Love has taught me anything, it's that fat people missed out on crucial high school moments (what with being fat hogs and all). Therefore, I'd like to take this moment to do my part in giving these fine women a part of the high school experience they may have been too fat to experience: Superlatives.
Biggest Ta-dows: Malissa
Most in Need of a Supportive Bra: Mandy Gyllenhog
Most Likely to End Up a 40-Something Divorcรจe/Office Manager: Lauren
Most Likely to Cut You up into Tiny Pieces and Store You in Her Refrigerator, Taking You Out Only at the One-Year Anniversary Mark to Eat You Like a Piece of Wedding Cake: Kristian
Least Likely to Have a Vagina: Tali
Most Likely to Break a Bicycle: Malissa
Least Likely to Open Her Eyes: Mandy Gyllenhog
Most Likely to Loser Her Virginity in a Produce Aisle: Danielle
Least Qualified as "Overweight": Arianne
Least Painful Elimination: Bonnie
Most Painful Elimination: Kristian
Best Location for a Date: The set of Medieval Hog Fuckers IV
Worst Location for a Date: TheSS Rohypnol
Best Dressed: The Zebras in Episode 5
Worst Dressed: The Entire Cast
Most Likely to Be Poured on Everything: Aunt Jemima
Least Likely to Make a Decision That Makes Sense/Most Likely to Describe Himself as "Husky"/Most Likely to Describe Another Person as "Precious"/Most Likely to Get the Best Cuts of Meats/Most Likely to Take a Date on a Party Boat/Most Likely to Pop a Cork Between His Legs/Most Likely to Actually be a Child Molester: Luke Conley
Congratulations to our winners! And with that, I give you your last More to Love recrap.
Our final episode takes place in Lukey Boy's hometown of Santa Maria California. Luke describes Santa Maria as a laid-back, blue collar kind of town. You know, the kind of town where a man can walk proudly down the street with his bountiful man boobs and tiny dog and no one will bother him none. Mmmm...I like it. Luke and his comically tiny, emasculating dog Max have a lot of soul searching to do. For, you see, he just can't decide between Malissa or the Tranny. On one hand Malissa is about as interesting as an HPV vaccination, but on the other, the Tranny is...well...Jewish. And therein lies the problem our final episode explores—Luke is a nice, devout Christian boy and his one-special-someone is a Torah-reading, upper-lip-bleaching, glass-smashing, matzah-ball-gargling Jew. What's a boy to do?! Consult his family, that's what!
Our horned-maiden Tranny is the first finalist to meet Luke's father, grandmother and brother. AND OH WHAT A MEETING IT IS! I would give anything for my future boyfriend's family to be just like Luke's for the following reasons: 1.) Luke's dad reminds me exactly of Champ Kind from the movie Anchorman. And let you a story: one day during sophomore year in college, my floor decided to cast what celebrity would play each floor member if our lives were made into a movie. As a point of reference, College Roommate Danielle was cast as Kylie Minogue. I was cast as the fictional character Ron Burgundy. "NOT LOOKS WISE!" Ex-co-blogger Eddie assured me, "just PERSONALITY wise." This would be the one moment where that would be a benefit, not a giant insult.
and
2.) Oh my gentle Jesus—Luke's Grandmother. She is a-freaking-dorable! She's just the sweetest old woman with black teeth and a hair net you'll never meet! If my sophomore year floor were cast her in a movie, she would be played by Whistler's Mother. And all I want to do is kidnap her, take her to the nearest Cracker Barrel and have her tell me all about life over an order of chicken-fried steak and a tall glass of sweet tea. Bless her heart.
The Tranny gets the privilege of meeting Champ Kind and Grammy first....with her shirt tucked into her pants. Unfortunately. For us. As Luke and The Tranny roll up, Luke's family is having a good old-fashioned backyard bar-b-que, featuring the infamous best cuts of meats. Now, I've never officially met a significant other's family, but if I did, I'd like to think I'd know better than to bring an Entenmann's brand store-bought bunt cake with me...cough Tranny, cough...Anyslice, Tranny meets the fam and raps with Grammy about her Israeli background. "I think it's great to experience different cultures," Grammy tells The Tranny. And of course she does! Because she's the most adorable thing on the planet.
Unfortunately, not all at the table are as open-minded as Grammy. Specifically Champ Kind. Champ is just a little pre-occupied with this whole Jewish mishegoss Tranny's got going on. "I mean, Tali could be my future daughter-in-law," he later tells the camera, "She could be the future mother of my grandchildren!" So, you know...sucks she's a kyke and all. AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?! The family sits down to dinner and prays over their fine cuts of meat in the name of their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Amen. "Praise the Lord and pass the taters!" says Luke's dad. And I'm not embellishing. That's really what he said after the prayer. And I fell a bit further in love.
Luke's family asks about The Tranny's background and she says she moved to New York City four years ago with 20-dollars in her pocket and a dream and has since become a motivational speaker for young girls with weight problems. To which, I say—the fuck? Thus far, Tranny's by-line has always read "Fashion Stylist/Decorator." When did motivational speaker get thrown into the mix? Can I start making up shit when people ask what I do? If so, I'm a forensic scientist and part-time go-go dancer. Officially.
Despite Tali's big penis heart, Champ is still unsure about the idea of her ending up his daughter-in-law. He's curious how she, as a Jew, feels about Christianity and what faith Luke and Tranny would raise their children. "It's a conflict for a lot families," he explains to Tranny, "Being Christian and being Jewish, there's going to be some hurdles to jump." .........Riiight. Having a Jewish mother and a Catholic father myself, I totally get what Champ is talking about. I mean, those damned hurdles—like getting double presents at Hanukkah and Christmas time and generally learning to become a more open-minded person—SUCKS...
Baruch a ta ado-five minutes later, it's Malissa's turn to meet Luke's paternal family. And boy does it go a lot smoother than with The Tranny. Malissa impresses Luke's dad with her Aryan Irish Eyes, brings flowers instead of a Snack Pack, loves that the family says grace and generally just impresses the hell out of everyone. Grammy even asks her for a hug! That lucky, fat bitch! Later, in a private moment, Champ tells Luke that he thinks Malissa would be a perfect addition to their family and it feels like "she's the last missing piece of the puzzle." ...After 20-minutes of meeting her. Which is perfectly normal. And healthy. Luke, however, still isn't convinced. He needs advice from the one woman he always goes to when he needs crucial advice: his mother.
The next morning Luke's mom, in all her ill-fitting white pin-stripe suited glory, unexpectedly drop by the house to meet her son's final picks. And holy shit do Tranny and Malissa duke it out to impress this woman..."I told this to Luke's dad, grandmother and brother yesterday," Malissa tells her, "but thank you soooo much for raising such a great guy." BBBBAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than suck up to a woman wearing Jones New York. But, then again, I'm single. Malissa goes on to try to impress Mrs. Luke with her (instant Pillsbury crescent rolls) cooking skills and The Tranny, not to be outshone, shares her inspirational no-cats-in-America-and-the-streets-are-paved-with-cheese story of moving to America and becoming—a model. Ok, seriously homegirl, pick a trade and commit. As of now, Tali is being billed as the following: fashion stylist/decorator/motivational speaker/model/potter/painter/Starbuck's barista/welder/CVS pharmacy technician/speech pathologist/ghost-hunter/freelance bodyguard. Perhaps it's time to narrow down the list a tad bit. Either way, Luke's mom is lapping it up. She LOVES her some Tranny! She finds her inspirational and thinks that although basic values have to be shared, they can definitely come from different religions. WARM BONDING GLOWING GLOW! Malissa doesn't do herself any favors when she tells Mrs. Luke that she tried out for the show on a whim and is just here for the "experience." A-PSHH! Wrong answer tubs! You're here to prove that love comes in all different shapes and sizes, duh. During Malissa's one-on-one time with Luke's mom, she fucks it up even more by divulging that she's an ex-skinny-person. (Not to mention the fact that she's wearing camo sweat pants, but that's neither here nor there.) That being said, I actually teared up at this scene. Malissa opens up to Mrs. Luke about her mother's death and says, "I'm just so sad my mom won't be there on my wedding day. " "Don't worry," Mrs. Luke says, "Another mom will be there for you. Trust me on that one." I don't know if it's my love for Diane talking or the free Sam Adams Oktoberfest, but I suddenly realized tears were 100% streaming down my face. From a scene of More to Love...strong, strong statements 2009. Although Mrs. Luke thinks Malissa is light-hearted and fun, she confesses to Luke that "thinking about Malissa as a future daughter-in-law feels extremely premature," whereas she thinks "Tali is amazing." BUT WHAT'S LUKE TO DO?! "...I know you'll make the right decision," she cryptically tells Luke. And sometimes what you don't say says it all, you little pin-stripped poor-man's Diane Keaton, you.
Before our final elimination, Luke takes each girl on one final date. As per any More to Love date, they're both ungodly boring, full of awkward kisses and premature confessions of love. Later, Luke confesses that he loves both girls, but there's a difference between being loving someone and being in love with someone. And he's only in love with one girl. BUT WHICH ONE!?!?!?!!11 In the mean time he plays them both like fiddles. The Tranny says she loves Luke, Luke says he loves her. Malissa tells Luke that "if you ask me to marry you, I would say, YES, YES, YES—a thousand times, yes!" To which Luke says, "We've only just began." Now, if I were in the bedazzled dress sitting across from him, I'd toss my glass of Robert Mondavi wine in his face and walk out, as proper tense usage is an important characteristic in my potential life-mate, but again, I'm single.
The next day, our love triangle prepares for the final elimination. Luke goes ring shopping—GASP!—and Malissa and The Tranny visit the gayest man on God's green earth to get their hair and make up done. Obviously, I sort of fell in love with him, as having a gay man play with my hair while I dish about my love life is my version of heaven, but more importantly! Luke has made his final decision!
As Luke stands in the winner's circle, nervous beads of sweat and marinade drip down his face and he turns to look at the ring box beside him. Malissa rounds the corner and approaches our hero with his shiny, shiny lips and golden broquaed tie. They kiss and hold holds. A hush falls over the crowd of one in my apartment. "I love you for who are you are," he tells Malissa, as her eyes like up like a marshmallow held too long over the fire, "BUT, my heart belongs to someone else. I have to let you go." OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT! MALISSA'S OUT, TRANNY'S IN! WIN FOR THE JEWS! WIN FOR THE BRUNETTES! Although, I have been blonde for an (unfortunate) period of my life and my dad is Catholic, so I guess this also kind of a loss for me in a way. Just another one of those hurdles I'll have to jump in my lifetime...
After Malissa waddles away in defeat, The Tranny makes her way down the aisle and approaches Luke. "I know life has made it difficult for people like you and I to find love," Luke tells her, in what has to be the worst intro to a marriage proposal of all time, "but you are such a beautiful curvy woman. You make me a better man............will you marry me?" And she says................................YES! MOZEL TOV, BABIES!!!!!
(It's really vital to me that you play the provided musical accompaniment while reading this recap. I promise it'll enrich the experience exponentially. Kthnx.)
Last night's episode of More to Love wasn't just any old waffle-lovin' episode of More to Love. Nope. It was...
OHHHHHH YEEEEAHHHH!!!!11
Actually, the location change didn't really affect the episode that much. It was still your standard munchie-filled, PolyBlend, bottle-groin-popping, yacht-cruising, cry-fest. Everyone was just slightly more sweaty than usual.
Our ladies arrive on the Big Island (BHAHAHA, GET IT?! BIG ISLAND?) and meet Luke at a luau where they each get leid. For what I can only assume is the first time. Luke informs the girls that this will be their last group date and each girl will then get to go on a nice, long juicy date with him. It's at this point that that I have an epiphany. This entire season, I've been trying to put my finger on who Mandy looks like. Originally I thought I'd nailed it down with Huckleberry Hound, but I was wrong. Well, no, I was right, she does have the same sad, down-turned eyes and ric-rac skimmer, but more specifically, she also looks like a poor man's Maggie Gyllenhaall: And thus, I shall call her Mandy Gyllenhog.
Luke goes on his first one-on-one date with with ex-skinny-girl Malissa. Their date was what I call a "boomerang date." Every time it got boring and I started to zone out, Malissa would say something ridiculous and my attention would boomerang right back to the show. Luke takes Malissa to a Sea Life Park where they hold hands and coo at penguins and blah blah blah my interest starts to dwindle until Malissa says, "You trying to make out or what?" Upon hearing this, my head (which had begun to doze off) snapped right back up just in time to see them kiss. Huh? Did she really say you trying to make out or what? If so, that's fucking ballsy of her and frankly, I respect the hell out of her. Romance is all good and fun, but sometimes a bro can take a little too long to bust a move and you have to expedite the process a bit. I didn't come over at 11 o'clock at night to watch an entire disc of Entourage with you for the pithy dialogue, a-thank-you-very-much.
Anyho, Luke and Malissa make out a little, get in the water and ride some dolphins around. Again, I zoned out a bit until I heard Malissa tell Luke, "I'm surprised the dolphins can support us!" Aaaaaaand I zoned right back in. Excuse me, what was that? I guess this isn't a completely ridiculous statement considering this is the couple who's weight broke a tandem bicycle. God, what I wouldn't have given to see their fat asses break a dolphin into two equal pieces...
After their jaunty little day at the Sea Life Park, Luke and Malissa have themselves a picnic lunch and discuss the issue of marriage. Because as we've established, Luke needs two things in life—a sportive, yet masculine, sports bra and a wife. Malissa, however, is "still trying to figure it all out" which makes Luke scared that she's going to "mislead his intent," whatever the shit that means.
Now, I'm not going to lie to you. At this point in the show I got really antsy and bored, so I went into my closet to pick out an outfit to wear to work today. When I came back, More to Love was no longer on TV. Instead, Representative Steny Hoyer was on talking about God knows what. Because I'm not the crispiest fritter in the fryer, I thought More to Love had been interrupted by a national address or something and was totally bummed out. About a minute later, I realized I must have been sitting on the remote earlier and when I got up my ass accidentally changed the channel to C-SPAN. Sooooo...there's that.
Although I missed a chunk of this scene due to the unruliness of my own ass, here's what I caught: 1.) They go to a sushi restaurant and holy god do I want to go-Saki bombing. 2.) Luke tells Malissa that he feels like he could propose to her and Malissa says they're "on the same page." 3.) They go back to Luke's room and totally DO IT, prompting me to amend my earlier statement: holy god do I want to go Saki-bombing holy god do I want to go Saki-bombing and have sex and go Saki-bombing again.
The next day, Luke goes on a one-on-one date with The Tranny. The producers Luke plans an aquatic dream-date on an outrigger complete with snorkeling! And that's when the Tranny loses it. Why? Because water is her biggest fear. "I haven't been in the ocean since I was 12," she cries to Luke, "I just don't put myself in that kind of situation." And I call SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS A-PLENTY! Because The Tranny used to be in the god damn Navy. How can you say you don't put yourself in aquatic situations when you joined and served in the Navy?! That's like me saying I don't put myself in athletic situations and then I join a soccer team. (I can't decide which is more unlikely: me joining the Navy, or me joining a soccer team.)
But if there's anything Sarah Jessica Parker taught me in Failure to Launch, it's that the key to getting a guy to bond with you is to have him teach you something. And apparently The Tranny wasted an hour and a half of her life on this movie too. As Luke holds Tranny's hand and coaches her through the trauma of snorkeling, it's clear the two have bonded like Na to Cl. (...Did I just make a science joke? Who am I, Co-Blogger Chris?) Our gentleman head back to the outrigger for lunch and Luke tells The Tranny that he thinks this date was "life changing" and he can tell Tranny must really trust him to conquer her fears like that. And then they make out. Point to Sarah Jessica Parker.
AND THINGS WITH THE TRANNY ONLY GET BETTER! Later that night, Tranny shows up to dinner looking Dynasty-tastic! Everything about her look (from the ruffle-neck silk number to the gaudy crystal earrings to the dramatic makeup and high bun) screams Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan gone seducin' at the St. Dennis club. And Lord knows that's the quickest way to my heart! Even the dialogue was pure Dynasty: Tranny: "I'm falling for you...but you never said you were falling for me..." [Tranny looks down as her eyes well with tears] Luke:[Dramatic pause] Look at me. [Tranny slowly looks back up and deep into Luke's eyes] I am falling for you. [Tranny gives a playful smile and the two lean in for a passionate kiss]
AND SCENE.
And like Malissa, The Tranny ends up getting the invitation to stay the night with Luke. Damn. You, madam, are good.
The next day, Luke goes on his last one-on-one date with Mandy Gyllenhog. Luke confesses he thinks Mandy is "still the most guarded," so it's important that she be herself and he figure out what's really going on in her head. Thus, they go ATV riding. Their entire date was like watching paint dry until they climb a case of wooden stairs and Luke says, "I hope we don't exceed the weight limit on these stairs." Um. Hi there. If my date ever verbally expresses concern that we, as a team, might exceed the weight limit of something, it better be a rickity-ass Indiana Jones style rope bridge that's one second away from snapping in half, not a solid set of wooden stairs. Don't make me bust out my salad fork again...
I'm not going to lie, the rest of the ATV date was pretty standard and boring, so I'll skip ahead to dinner. As per any other More to Love date, dinner took place on a twinkle-lit party boat called the Vida Mia. Luke and Mandy talked about their emotions (again) and it was terribly boring (again). Then, they move the party upstairs where there's basically a mattress thrown on the roof with a few candles lit around it. Apparently Vida Mia means Date Rape in Italian. Luke dusts off the used condoms and hypodermic needles and lays Mandy down on the mattress. "Do you see yourself getting married to me?" he asks Mandy. "Yes," she says confidentially. "Do you wanna stay out here with me tonight and enjoy the stars?" "Yes," she replies. Then Luke leans in, whispers "no regrets" and the camera fades out. Which is terribly confusing to me. Of all of the things to creepily whisper to the girl you got on the mattress atop your party boat, why "no regrets"? Not only are you implying this might not go so well, you're taking way the option of regretting it later. Next time I have sex with someone, I'm gonna climb on top and be like, "NO TAKE-BACKS!!!!!" and go to town.
But like all good things, our Hawaiian episode must come to an end. Luke has to eliminate one girl and MAN he's having a hard time deciding. This leads to lots of hilarious shots of Luke wistfully staring into the ocean, skipping stones and just generally doing a lot of soul searching. The Soul Searching Montage might be my second favorite montage behind the Dress Montage.
Given that the eliminations on this show never make any fuckin' sense, I predicted Luke would give Mandy the heave-ho, seeing how Mandy seems to be the most psyched about marriage. AND GOD DAMN I'M GOOD! Tali gets picked first, Malissa second and Mandy is outta there. Which, of course, is sad. The camera also spends way too much time in the limo with her afterwards filming her ramble and cry. I felt horribly uncomfortable and my ass starting to wonder what's on C-SPAN...
Cry Count: 4
Next Week: THE GRAND FINALE! Tranny and Malissa meet Luke's parents and Luke pops the question—BUT TO WHO?!
Last night's episode of More to Love was all about surprises. Like how surprised I was when the opening scene wasn't of the girls shoving waffles and turkey legs down their throats for once. That was refreshing. Instead our episode opened with a shot of Luke shaving. Like a 7-year-old. All rough and jabby and not going against the grain. Come on Luke, do we need to put you on Queer Eye for the Fat Guy? After Luke finishes chiseling his face away, it's time for his one-on-one date with The Tranny.
The Tranny confuses me for a cornucopia of reasons, including, but not limited to the fact that she says she's had "a lot of doors slammed in her face because of her weight." Which confuses me. Because she's blatantly not fat. She just has humongous ta-dows crafted by the finest sex-change doctor in all of Israel. Since when does that equal fat? Really the only fat chick left is Malissa, and she's only recently fat. She still has the soul of a thin person, which hasn't been properly broken yet. Plus she can dance.
Anychub, Tranny and Luke go on a bro-ed out date to the go-kart track. They drive around, Tranny gets competitive, Luke finds it hot, the testosterone flies, blickity blah-blah-blah. They sit down to have lunch and SURPRISE! Tranny's Aunt and Uncle join them! Tranny's aunt is a kindly, older Israeli woman and her uncle is some random American dude. Over lunch, Uncle Sam explains the difficulties of being an American marrying into an all-Israeli family. "It's like, you know you're an excellent man," he explains, "but you're never quite good enough." Not to take away from Uncle Sam's cross-cultural struggle, but isn't that just part of being in a Jewish family? Doesn't that sense of "I'LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!" [Slams Door] just come with the territory? Either way, Uncle Sam totally cockblocks Tranny like it's nobodies business. He takes Luke aside to stress that Tranny's grandparent's are very orthodox and very religious and if you marry into this family you're going to regret it til the day you die and RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOUR FAT LITTLE SAUSAGE LEGS WILL CARRY YOU!!!!! Luke wastes no time as he jumps into his go-kart, hops the rail and drives off into the sunset as Uncle Sam watches with a single tear streaming down his face, as he knows Luke will now get to enjoy the precious freedom from Jewish Judgment that he never will.
Back at the house, there's a new Sheriff of Crazy Town and her name is Mandy. Or, Manic Mandy, as I now call her. As Mandy gets ready for her one-on-one date with Luke, Malissa starts asking her questions about how she feels about him. "What do you think bonds you guys? How do you know you have a connection? Where's the beef?" Instead of being like, "Hey Maliss, step the fuck out or I'll harpoon you like the whale you are," Mandy spontaneously bursts into tears, locks herself in the bathroom as she shouts, "I'M FINE I'M FINE!!!!" Yowzah. Sure you are. And I'm "working hard" at my job right now.
Mandy collects herself and climbs into the limo with Luke. She reaches over for a hug and for a hot second, I totally thought she was going all Rock of Love and climbing on top of him. But no. She just wanted to be held. Because fat people have emotions, can't dance, didn't go to prom, never get second dates, still have their hymens, break bicycles and like hugs. Everything I needed to know about fat people, I learned from Fox.
Luke and Mandy arrive at a tropical themed yacht (?) where SURPRISE! Mandy's mom and dad are waiting for them! I'm 99.9% sure my parents would disown me if I ever went on a reality dating competition show and 110% sure that if I did, they would never be on the "meet the family" episode. But it gave me a giggle to think about what that meeting would be like if they did. I can see my dad bringing a book and my mom going to the bathroom a lot. Mandy's parents, however, are pretty psyched to meet Luke. It's during this scene that Luke divulges that he's a "son of a butcher" which is why he's so large, as "he always had the best cuts of meat." I would like to let you all know that, "son-of-a-butcher" is now the official cut-down of 2birds1blog. Get excited.
The theme of cock-blockery continues when Mandy's mom pretty much point-blank tells Luke that her daughter is crazy. She actually uses the word, "crazy." It's awkward. She unsuccessfully tries to laugh it off. Crickets chirp. Tumbleweeds roll. Luke chooses this moment to ask Mandy's parents if they think she's ready to settle down, as Luke is lookin' to get married ASAPS! And isn't it every parent's dream to have their baby girl get married to a husky real estate developer she met a month ago on a Fox reality show? Mandy's parents awkwardly smile and shift their eyes around the room for a while until Mandy's mom says she thinks Mandy is ready for a serious relationship, but she doesn't think she's ready to jump to the wedding chapel. "THERE'S NO NEED TO RUSH THINGS! HAHA! WHY RUSH THINGS?! HAHA!" Mandy's dad awkwardly chimes in. This does not sit well with Luke. He needs a wife like I need a nap: rull bad.
The Tour of Awkward Cockblocks continues with Anna. Anna and Luke head to the bowling alley for their one-on-one date, which makes me wonder which Producer put their 12-year-old son in charge of location scouting, as our romantic spots thus far have included a go-kart track, a tropical party yacht and a bowling alley. Either way, Anna is PSYCHED about this date because she used to go to bowling summer camp. Which doesn't surprise me in the least.
Wanna take a hot guess as to who's at the bowling alley? Yep! Anna's parents! And guess what they do? You're right again! Cockblock! Ahhh consistency. It's a beautiful thing. You see, Anna is a model* and her parents are worried what will happen to her career* if she settles down with Luke. "What would happen if she has to go to London* for a year?" her dad asks Luke. And Luke doesn't know. He just knows he's not pleased. Because that son-of-a-butcher needs a wife, and he needs one now. He can't have The Mrs. flying all over the world*, strutting down cat-walks* and plastering her face all over billboards* when he needs her at home with the kids! What's a man to do? [*HAHAHAHAHA! I KNOW!]
Winner of the Most Interesting Family Award goes to Malissa. Malissa's two younger sisters show up, to Malissa's surprise, and they are some unique-looking individuals. Well, the youngest one really isn't that bad, but the middle sister, Kat, is a horse of different color. Kat has bleached blonde hair that has clearly been scrunched using Dep brand gel. She has outrageously long red acrylic nails and her eyebrows are a hazy shade of gray. I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on with Kat's look until Rachel texted me: "Malissa's sister Kat looks like Hatchet Face from Cry-Baby!!!" And frankly, I have never been text messaged a more accurate statement in my entire life: Hatchet Face grills Luke with questions and then moves on to cockblocking Malissa. I know, it was terribly shocking for me too. Luke mentions that he wants kids and Kat (who has a 4-year-old) says the idea of Malissa having kids is laughable. Apparently Malissa doesn't even like kids! OH SHIT! Although Malissa lives a mere 10 minutes away from Kat, she's never offered to babysit her nephew ONCE! Luke, however, babysits his nieces and nephews whenever he gets a chance so he starts to get a little nervous. To make matters worse, Malissa's youngest sister explains that Malissa has always been thick, but only recently gained most of her weight. UMMMMM, hi. If my sister were to ever use the term "thick" as an adjective to describe my body, I would take my salad fork, reach across the table, stab her directly in the eye and twirl like it's a never ending bowl of pasta from Olive Garden. So kindly keep that in mind, Rebecca. At the very least, always be conscious of the location of my salad fork.
There are only two things worth mentioning about the pre-elimination mixer: 1.) At one point the camera slowly zooms in on Mandy's dress for no other reason than to emphasize that the pattern is animal print and river water: and 2.) Malissa's boobs are fucking enormous:
Finally, it's elimination time. Malissa gets called first, which isn't really a huge surprise. (BAHAHA...huge.) The Tranny gets called second (?) and it's down to either Anna or Mandy. Personally, I'd choose Anna because Mandy seems kind of drunk and tired all the time whereas Anna went to bowling camp, but because nothing about this show makes any sense, my money was on Luke keeping Mandy and sending home Anna. Which is exactly what happened. Anna looked PISSED and I completely zoned out as a defense mechanism because these elimination scenes are way too heartbreaking to deal with at 10 o'clock at night.
Final Cry Count: 6
Next Week: The final three go to Hawaii and meet Luke's parents! If someone doesn't have sex with Luke, or at least go to third base, I'm putting all of their vaginas on probation.
That's how this episode opens. A close-up of waffles being drenched in butter and syrup. Lest we forget these hogs are fatties who like to eat. Thank you Fox. Thank you for that gentle reminder. I just...I just don't know if I can do it anymore. And I mean the universal IT. I'm just not feelin' it this morning. Ted Kennedy's dead, Hello Cupcake ran out of free cupcakes and closed right before we got there last night, I have still yet to figure out how to change the light bulb behind the bar's back splash, my new haircut isn't conducive to the god-awful heat and humidity...some days it's like, what's the point, you know? And then I look into Krazyface Kristian's eyes and I see a beacon of hope. Because as long as we can laugh, we can go on to face another day, right? Right. And considering in this episode K.Face Krissy compares her body dancing the salsa to "two pigs fighting under a blanket," perhaps I can even go on for another week.
Our episode opens with waffles, of course, but then moves on to the arbitrary handing out of the first date. Honestly, everything about this show is so random. There's no reason or rhyme to who gets to go on which date or who gets more face time with Luke or anything. I mean, is a good old-fashioned hot dog eating contest too much to ask for? Anyway, the Gods that be decide Mandy and Kristian will be going on the first date with Luke to learn how to salsa dance. Obviously Kristian shits her pants with excitement because she's clinically insane and has a little Luke Conley Real Doll that she lugs around the house having tea parties and practice make out sessions with. Not really. Well who knows, I wouldn't put it past her.
Mandy irritates me for two reasons: 1.) She has Huckleberry Hound eyes: and 2.) She's blatantly not overweight! If there were a convention for completely normal body types, she would be a keynote speaker. I just don't get how she's classified as "overweight." Unless "overweight" you mean "needs a supportive bra." Then I get it.
Each girl gets a mini salsa dancing lesson and then some alone time with Luke. Luke chooses to get his alone time with Kristian out of the way first and I get it. It's like ripping a band-aid off. However, this decision sends Mandy into a tailspin of emotion. Because remember, fat people have emotions. And a penchant for waffles. Waffles and emotions. And no date to prom. Proving once and for all that he's a giant creepy weirdo, Luke makes out with Kristian during their alone time—RIGHT AS MANDY ROUNDS THE CORNER! She totally sees the whole thing, runs to the bathroom and cries her face off.
Now, I can understand seeing that and being like "what puh fuck?!" but I don't understand her decision to run away and cry. Because she wastes her entire alone time with Luke having him coddle her and be like, "You're special, you're beautiful, make outs mean nothing, blickity blah blah blah" instead of utilizing that time to actually make out with him herself. I mean come on! What is this amateur hour?! I hate to bring everything back to Rock of Love, and yet I don't hate to at all because that show was genius. Many, many a time, a girl would round the corner to find Bret and a Token Ho making out and instead of being a Needy Nellie about it, she would handle it like a pro. Which make senses because that girl probably was a professional, but still! If Lacey from Rock of Love taught me anything it's that when you see your man making out with another girl on a group date, you walk over confidentaly, say something like, "Oooh, looks like we're having fun over here, mind if I cut in?" which he won't, because what's better than making out with one girl? Two girls. So the girl he was making out will get up (not before saying something catty, probably involving the phrase "sloppy seconds,") walk way and that's your cue to sit down and pick up where she left off. The beauty of this is that you're make out session will be fresh in his mind whereas hers is but a distant memory. BAM! That's how you whore yourself out on national television! Always ask yourself: WWROLD?
The next day Malissa is arbitrarily picked for an alone date. They go on a helicopter ride to a vineyard and go wine tasting. The date pretty much follows the same boring and creepy arc established in every other episode: couple sits somewhere beautiful -> marvel at how beautiful the scenery is -> Oh PS you look beautiful too -> but I'm fat! -> but you're still beautiful! -> make out -> uncorking wine/champagne bottle ejaculation joke.
Luke's date with Malissa does have the added bonus of a botched tandem bicycle ride, however. They go on the queerest bicycle ride ever. As they ride through the vineyard, they pass a herd of zebras. Honest to god zebras. The fuck? I've been to Napa Valley and I did not see one zebra the entire time. And things even more mystical and coked out when they BREAK THE BIKE. Their overweight bodies break the tandem bicycle. Personally, I don't believe it. I think the producers tampered with it beforehand because yes, Luke and Malissa aren't exactly the Olsen Twins, but they are in no way offensively overweight enough to break a Huffy in half. I refuse to believe it.
When Malissa comes back from the date, she tells the rest of the girls in the house that she thinks she's in love with Luke. And bring out the waffles and Aunt Jemima because this causes a HAIL STORM of emotion. Kristian goes crazy because (she's crazy and) she's been in love with Luke since her first casting video. Kirstian in her confessional pops a vein in her eye as she shouts, "WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU LOVE HIM? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU LOVE HIM?" Umm, I don't know psychopath. Probably the same reason you're in love with him after only a handful of group dates: because it's a competition and winning things is super fun. Then Heather starts crying because (fat people have emotions and) she's not in love with Luke yet and feels behind. "What's wrong with me?" she sobs, "Why am I not feeling this?" To which Laura and I both shouted at the television in perfect synchronization: "BECAUSE YOU'RE NORMAL!!!!!!" Which is why it's better to watch this show with a friend or a spotter.
The next day, Luke takes Anna, Heather and The Tranny on a group date to the beach. It's awkward...Luke complains later in his confessional that he's sick of the girls relying on him to direct the conversation all of the time. Yeah. Us too. Because Luke decides to direct the conversation towards man boobs and suntan lotion. Really makes a girl miss the awkward silence. During Luke's one-on-one time with Heather, she tells him that she's starting to get jealous of the other girls and this does not make Luke happy. Luke thought Heather would have more confidence in their connection and this insecurity is a real turn-off. Which is kind of odd considering Luke has a raging insecurity fetish. I thought he'd be coming in his pants during this conversation, but no. Luke Conley: you surprise me.
The next night at the pre-elimination mixer, Mandy utilizes this time to have a heart-to-heart with Luke about how she used to have an eating disorder. Wamp, wamp...Things continue down Awkward Avenue when Kristian tells Luke that she's in love with him. In three different languages. And then in English. Just so there's no lingering confusion. Luke says he's "touched." Now, ideally when you tell someone that you love them, you want to hear it back. Luke saying that he was touched was very kind of him, but sort of a red flag to Kristian that homeboy is not so much in love with her back. Instead of picking up on that flag, Kristian floats back to the other girls, cries and gushes about how in love she is and how he tooooootalllllyyyyy loves her too. This causes The Tranny to reach into her boxers, grab her balls by the scruff and find Luke to tell him that she's "not comfortable developing feelings for the man that Kristian loves, so maybe she shouldn't be in the picture." OOOO! TRANNY TIME! Luke tells Tranny not to pay attention to anything the other girls are saying in the house (read: "WOAH WOAH WOAH, Kristian said what now?! I love her like I love a sturdy dining room table or ample closet space!") and follow her heart. Well played Tranny...well played indeed.
At elimination, Luke chooses Anna first, which is bizarre and shocking because she's gotten the least face and also has Huckleberry Hound eyes. Again, arbitrary decisions 2009. In the end it comes down to Kristian, Heather or The Tranny. This is the same point when Teresa and Dave showed up at my place to find me and Laura clutching each other on the couch screaming "IT'S GOT TO BE HEATHER!!!" over and over again at the TV. BUT! HE PICKS THE TRANNY and sends home Krazyface Kristian and Homegirl Heather! OIJF293F09J2FOIFfijwoei! Arbitrary, horrible decisions that make no sense. After sending the girls off, Luke runs after Kristian because "she needs a little more explanation and a little more time with me." I wish he hadn't done that, because then we get to see her break down in Luke's arms and it feels border-line inappropriate to watch. She does that cry where you can't catch your breath and your.words.are.all.short.and.choppy.like.this and snot's uncontrollably flying out of your nose...we weren't meant to see that. Poor little bird. I almost feel badly for exclusively referring to her as Krazyface Kristian. Almost...
Cry Count: 9...... +50 for Kristian's breakdown. So, 59.
Next week: The four remaining ladies go on their last one-on-one date with Luke and SURPRISE! Their families are there!
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