9.23.2009

The Moustache Manifesto

Hey folks, it’s Becca, Meg's sister. She emailed me after her post on Thursday, alerting me to the fact that the public responded quite vocally to her mention of moustache season, and that response was a hearty "yes" and "please." I'm with you. But she herself doesn't understand the appeal so she's asked me to explain it to her, here on the blog.

One word & two letters: Magnum, P.I. Hot man, hot 'stache.

Does anyone watch Magnum P.I. on A&E?? It’s on at noon or something so I haven't watched it since college but back in the day I was a huge fan. Oh Tom Selleck. You. You and your tan and your bootie shorts and your huge luxurious 'stache. You solve crime, you live in Hawaii, and you look damn good doing it. I am not sure if Magnum P.I. started my obsession or just merely reawakened a feeling I didn't even know I had. A feeling of love towards the moustache. This is truly one of the great 'staches in the world of modern 'stache history. A landmark, if you will. Tom Selleck himself has always sported a spectacular 'stache and I like to think that he refused to play Magnum P.I. if they wouldn't let him keep it.


We didn’t know many moustaches growing up so I think that Meg maybe just suffers from a lack of exposure. Mr. Meehan the elementary school gym teacher had one (“down doobie doo, sorry about you” anyone?):

And so did our neighbor Ned. Ned’s moustache terrified Meghan. Literally, screaming crying anytime it came near her. She was probably under 5 at the time and I remember thinking “what's all the fuss about??” I believe the best answer she can come up with now is that it was “large and bristly and coming near her” which sounds so wrong on so many levels. And I know what you're all thinking, that the ‘stache is the common facial adornment of creepy child molesters, ergo …. But no. We just think she really didn’t like the moustache.


I think more people would like the ‘stache if they separated it from its bad reputation. Sure, rednecks have moustaches, child molesters have moustaches, the unibomber’s police sketch had a moustache, cops have moustaches
generally people you don’t want to mess with. But come on! Be open minded! Every character in every Western ever has a moustache. Tombstone alone has the following glorious moustaches: Kurt Russell; Val Kilmer; Bill Paxton; Sam Elliott; Powers Boothe; Jason Priestly; Thomas Haden Church. I mean wowa shining team of attractive, non-molester moustache-bearers. Ditto for Lonesome Doveeven freakin’ Ricky Schroeder has a (sort of) moustache in that! I can think of nothing more harmless than Ricky Shroeder’s sweet pre-pubescent attempt at a moustache. I want to hug it.

Lets just address it
the ‘70s porn star aspect.

I get it. The image of a guy in nothing but gym socks and puffy hair with a moustache … sure. I totally get it. Ron Jeremy. Right. But isn’t there some kind of charm to that? Doesn’t that say “Hey ladies (or gentleman) I am here and I got a blow-out and I meticulously groomed my facial hair and I put on these clean gym socks all in an attempt to ravish you. And ravish you I will. Rarrrr!” Thanks for the effort, porn star. I can’t speak for the rest of world but I happen to like it when my sexual partners make efforts to look attractive and are into things like grooming.


As you all know I’ve hereby officially anointed “Moustache Season” – this season falls between Labor Day and Memorial Day. Official motto: “When the White Pants Go Away, the Moustaches Come Out to Play.” This started because I – as we’ve clearly established – like me some moustache. My bf was willing to oblige. To be fair he has a full beard. But he did shave it into a moustache for my birthday. True story. Anyway, he always said that it’s too warm for facial hair of any sort in the summer, hence the seasonality of the situation. Most guys will agree with this, though I think the full beard is a bit warmer than the solo moustache. I do not in any way want to discourage anyone from sporting the ‘stache year round. Please, by all means. The “no white pants after Labor Day” rule doesn’t apply in all situations (tropical locations, hospitals, Cheesecake Factory) therefore the moustache rule has its own exceptions and I encourage you to get creative.

Speaking of beards, I am also a fan of the beard. But I felt that beards get enough love (or at least not as much hate) so they don’t really need a season. If beards had a motto it would be “Beards
Widely Accepted Since 1864.” And a word about goateeshorrible. Seriously truly horrible. Commit, mancommit to the full beard or the moustache. This Comic Book Guy from Simpsons thing you have going on is not doing you any favors. We can still tell you’re fat. Sorry.

In summation, I leave you with this final thought: A moustache is like the hot sauce of the facial hair world
its always appropriate and it goes great with beer.

Yours in Moustachery,

-Becca

53 comments:

James said...

I think Labor Day through Memorial Day is too long, isn't it? I was always under the impression that moustache season culminated in March, hence the well-known phrase: "March is the Month for Moustaches." That is the month when men compare the glorious moustaches they've worked so hard on all winter long. In fact, a quick Google search gave me both MoustacheMarch.com and March Moustache Madness. I rest my case.

Not that I'd really know much about it, I have a wonderfully full beard that I will never part with.

Anonymous said...

I would pretty much give anything to be a fly on the wall at a McBlogger family dinner.

mlkirwan said...

March may be the month for mustaches, but I prefer the month of Manuary.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

There's a McBlogger family dinner this Friday night. I recommend you ask Jeff Goldblum for some pointers and turn into a fly STAT.

James said...

I think you'd notice the horrendous fly abomination that would put the Chinese Elephant Man to shame in grossness just clinging to the wall during dinner.

Rachel said...

Ok. so many things to say.

1) I have been to many mcblogger family dinners and it is exactly as you imagine. Mama McBlogger is witty and a damn good cook. Dad McBogger is hilarious.
2) Becca...I love you, you are my best friend, but I cannot get behind you on this. Its gross and totally inappropriate. Im sorry.

Rachel said...

I forgot to mention Mr Meehan is also know for, "Red, Yellow Green, BAAAALOOOOOO"

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

James: Becca can't check the blog at work, but I emailed her your comment and this was her reply:

Well just because March is the official month doesn’t mean it has to be the end of the season does it?? And thanks for letting me know about moustachemarch.com – now I know what to ask Meg to get me for Christmas - Moustache Calendar 2010, aptly titled “SEX-CONFIDENT.”

You're both disgusting.

Mlkirwan: Bahaha...Manuary.

Rachel: THANK YOU! Totally inappropriate indeed! Becca and I were talking about Mr. Meehan last week after yoga and she fucking blew my mind w/ the whole "down doobie-do sorry about you" thing. I think I said it like 4,000 times. I had completely forgotten about it. My mind was then re-blown when she brought up "Red, Yellow, Green and Ballooooooo!" Wasn't he talking about busses?? Becca says it was part of some game or some shit.

Huckleberry said...

This is why one of my favorite blogs has Mustache Wednesday.

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2009/09/23/mustache-wednesday-ambrose-burnside/

For more:
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/category/mustaches/

--@Streyeder

lovenotestoself said...

I have to side with Meg on this one - and all your examples of normal hotties rocking mustaches were in the 70s. Back then they probably weren't all pedophiles, but glad Meg chose to stay far away.

So here is the challenge -- can you give an example (besides your bf who, by the way, people now keep their children far away from) of a man rocking a mustache today that most normal women without daddy issues would want to ride?

Chad said...

Fact: Tom Selleck has not ALWAYS been spotted with a moustache.

I believe he was sans caterpillar for some TV or movie work in the 90s (maybe Friends?) but it was too much for people to take, so he grew it back.

Also, my personal feeling toward moustaches (or any facial hair) is that it makes the wearer look less trustworthy. Weird association, I know. So no facial hair for me.

Rachel said...

no it was when he put us into groupes. Red Group, Green, Yellow, BAAALOOOOO.

Rachel said...

also remember when he and Ms Dukes were Sonny and Cher??? I bet they were banging

Anonymous said...

Thanks, never knew Ron Jeremy was actually hot! Not now but back then! Woohoo!

Carla said...

Ummm, I agree with Anon. Ron Jeremy was a fox before the gross set in.

Heather said...

I'm sorry, but The Hedgehog aka Ron Jeremy was NEVER hot. That picture makes him look like slightly less of a sweaty, greasy, thigh scratching rodent of doom--but he is still ick ick icky.

Lorna said...

3/7 billion reasons that moustaches are NOT hot:

1. Hitler had a 'stache. And we all know how we turned out.
2. Permanent chapped lip after 'stache makeout session
3. Anything that can trap food, dirt, mites and god knows what else in such close proximity to two orphuses of the body just seems unsanitary. Men and hygiene already have a hate-hate relationship, why the extra work?

James said...

To Becca (probably via Meg), you're probably right. I think the discrepancy came because I was thinking of Moustache Season as one thinks of football or basketball season, with a definite buildup and end (that's what she said?), whereas you seem to make it more like a fashion "season", which is probably more accurate. Well played, madame.

To Meg, so I've reached the same level of disgusting as family member/fellow blogger. I'm honored.

Jennifer said...

Yeah Selleck went sans 'stach for part of Friends. Sad days. The hubs has a man crush on him and envys Ron Jeremy. I've made him a happy man by purchasing every season of Magnum P.I.

Personally I hate the 'stach. (Probably because it reminds me of my dad. No body who reminds me of dear dad can be thought of as hot.) ::Shivers::

A beard is sexy though.

rachel said...

would anyone else like to start a Campaign against ALL facial hair? icky.

Anonymous said...

Also, Movember (http://www.movember.com/) is a mustache-holiday-month celebrated across this great globe. I witnessed its power in Australia a year ago, and fear its presence in the US. It is NOT hot to be dancing at a club and have crowds of Aussie-staches grinding on you. That, I propose, is the only thing that will turn me off of an Aussie man.
Sure, Movember touts itself as a means to "raise funds and awareness for men's health", but it's also creepy as shit.

Anonymous said...

I'm not personally a facial hair lover, but am friend of mine entered into this facial hair contest... http://www.wahlnation.com/ManOfTheYear/ So maybe Meg will find a 'stache that she actually likes from the clearly qualified facial hair semi-finalists.

BTW - If you wanna vote for my friend, he's in the Atlanta goatee section... 3rd from the right on the top row (Jacob)

The Kuh said...

lovenotestoself: I CAN! Brandon Flowers of The Killers. He sported a 'stache just a few short years ago, around the time they released "Sam's Town". He may still have it.

Now, this is not to say I am in favor of the 'stache, cause I am definitely not. But I'd do Brandon Flowers any day of the week, 'stache or no.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Honestly, I do like some facial hair, sorry Rach. Give me a scruffy man or give me death. I just specifically abhor moustaches. AND good call on Brandon Flowers! AAAAND GO JACOB!

Srav said...

Perfect timing for this blog entry, especially seeing as how the World Beard and Moustache Championships just happened a couple of days ago!
No lies, check it out!

http://news.yahoo.com/nphotos/World-Beard-and-Moustache-Championships/ss/events/lf/092209beardmoustache#photoViewer=/090919/ids_photos_wl/r3913954154.jpg

S.Rod said...

Becca, I feel like you should know about an event that happens every winter at Notre Dame...the men of Dillon Hall start growing the most fabulous mustaches they can muster and then there is a dance...they call it the 'Stache Bash. You could probably look into crashing that...

Mike said...

Point of clarification: What Comic Book Guy, and numerous other dudes, mostly pudgy techy types, are rocking on their face is properly called a Van Dyke. A goatee is a beard that only covers the chin area (see Shaggy). The Van Dyke is a goatee + a 'stache, basically.

Anonymous said...

Your references to "balooo" keep reminding me of this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfUkC1lokXU


As for the Manscaping...
Ron Burgundy. Need I say more?

Meagan said...

Ack! Mr. Meehan! More like Mr. Mean-Man.

I *still* hate physical activity because of that man.

Anonymous said...

Yayz! I love moustaches.

Anonymous said...

Anyone else heard of No-Shave November?

Anonymous said...

Becca, you are not alone. There is an organization dedicated to people like you who revere the 'stache: www.americanmustacheinstitute.org.

Glatfep said...

http://prepidemic.com/2009/09/24/trend-watch-the-stache/

That is all.

sassy said...

I can't believe anonymous hated movember! HOW!?? I ask you, how? if there is anything better than seeing important businessmen having lunch meetings with moustaches then I can't think of it.

heart movember HEART.

you guys call it no shave november instead, right?

it's totally my favourite month of the year.

Ranting Raconteure said...

goatees are gross. only youth pastors attempting to be in touch with "today's youth" have them. and not in touch like THAT, sickos.

getting all hot and bothered about mustachioed men freaks me out. my dad looks like sam elliott, and i ain't got no electra complex here.

zz top beards are gross too. food bits, boogers and shit caught in it? bleh.

i can deal with trimmed beards or maybe a soul patch. you are hilarious though. i heart magnum.

lobascribbler said...

the way that mustaches are used today is sooo much different from back in the day. as nice as it is to see a hottie (see jason lee) rockin a sweet lip catepillar, some people just look duuuumb. you have to check out this blog stachewars.tumblr.com. Hilar!

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