9.24.2009

TALOL & Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entires



Spotted: The most bona fide Kate Gosselin haircut I've ever seen not actually on Kate Gosselin's head
Where: Metro Center
It Made me Feel: Terrified





Of all the "celebrity" fads to catch on, why did it have to be the quasi-dykey and incredibly unflattering haircut of a butch reality TV mom? Who saw that coming? I mean, Khloe Kardashian has big boobs and a fat ass, why couldn't that catch on?

- I went to hot yoga Tuesday night. And despite my burning hatred of physically moving my body, being hot and sweatingI loved it! I know, I was just as shocked as you! I never thought I'd say this, but I'd take hot yoga over a trip to the gym any day of the week, and here's why:
1.) Oh my god I looked adorable. No fucking way I was going to be caught dead looking like Homely Helen again.
2.) Sweating like a fat hog isn't embarrassing at hot yogait's something I'm actually doing right.
3.) Oh hey scantily clad, smokin' hot young guy with dirty blonde hair. Thanks for wearing tight shorts that prominently display your downward-facing dog.
4.) I'm 100% aware of how emo this is going to sound, but I think I liked hot yoga for the same reason I like getting tattoos
it's the zen of Pain. Bear with me. When you get a tattoo, it fucking hurts. That's a given. But the thing is, there's nothing you can do about it. You just have to lay there, clear your mind and find a way to deal. There's no other way around it. When something hurts that bad, you're not thinking about how shitty your job is, or how you still haven't figured out how to change the light bulb behind the back splash of the bar, or how the hell are you going to pay this month's student loan billyour mind is completely clear and focused. And for someone like me, that's a nice little change of pace. Because I'm a worrier and it's hard to get me to clear my mind. Normal mediation doesn't work for me. If you put me on a massage table, rub me down with eucalyptus oil and put me in a room with pan flute music playing for an hour, I will have a panic attack. That is entirely way too much time to sit there and think. However, if you jab me repeatedly with a needle or lock me in a 105-degree room for an hour and a half—enlightenment.

- I was in the shower the other morning when I realized, if you change the context of The Little Mermaid song "Part of Your World" to be about a wheelchair bound person instead of a mermaid, it's sort of a giant Fuck You from Disney to the handicapable:
I wanna be where the people are
I wanna see, wanna see them dancin'
Walking around on those - what do you call 'em?
Feet!

[Spinnin' your wheels,] you don't get too far
Legs are required for jumping, dancing
Strolling along down a - what's that word again?
Street

Up where they walk, up where they run
Up where they stay all day in the sun
Wanderin' free - wish I could be
Part of that world

When I re-visited this idea later that afternoon, I realized the thoughts I have first thing in the morning are shockingly similar to the thoughts I have when I'm high as a kite.

- Helena and I ended up making it to Meghan McCain's speech at AU last night. (As Helena pointed out, this was our first KPU event. Two years after graduating.) Final summation: Meghan McCain is a silly goose. And by silly goose, I of course mean inarticulate cunt-bag, but silly goose sounds more civilized.

My ultimate goal of the night was to somehow get Meghan McCain to sign an extra birth control prescription of mine:

My plan was to then put said prescription on my refrigerator to remind myself that there are some pregnancies the world would have been better off without. So take your birth control.

Unfortunately, you had to be on some list to meet her afterwards (?) and upon asking "who do I have to blow to be on that list?" Helena pointed to an unfortunate, lanky boy wearing mom jeans and we promptly decided to bounce. Despite this Fail on my part, Meghan McCain was adequately punked. By a kid in a wheelchair. (Not a mermaid.) And oh my just and gentle Lord was it awkward...

After McGiggles' (oddly short) speech, she held a Q&A session. One of the Q&A participants was a gentleman in a wheelchair who slowly and dramatically wheeled his way down the aisle towards the microphone to address Meghan. I fully expected him to be like, "Bah! I was shot in the legs in Afghanistan! Thanks for supporting our troops and mozel tov to your brothers!" but that's not quite how things played out. Which I should have known when he chose to open his question with, "Sorry I missed some of your speech, I came in late because I was buying liquor." At first I thought this was just a LOLzy OH COLLEGE! joke, but it became increasingly clear he may indeed have been adequately liquored up. For he went on to:
1.) Openly compare her father to Hitler
2.) Insinuate that her dad's about to croak
at any given moment—not once, but twice
and 3.) Came damn closes to tears while discussing his twice-divorced lesbian mother

...And holy shit. First of all: you fuck with John McCain and you fuck with me. I don't care who his daughter is. So back off, Roller Derby. Second of all, I mean, I hate Meghan McCain as much as the next person, but for realzies? Isn't yelling random and offensive shit in a public forum a little passé at this point? All I know is I have never wanted to crawl out of my own skin more in my entire life and I had "Monster in a Wheelchair" stuck in my head for the rest of the night. So thanks a lot, asshole.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

i totally relate to the "i can only relax when severe pain is inflicted and i can't think about all my problems" deal. that is why my bikini wax is the most relaxing part of my month. thanks, once again, for making me realize i'm not the only one.

Natalie said...

Got my first tattoo last week and I feel the EXACT same way. It was kinda zen...made me think I was a perv. Maybe I need to look into this hot yoga business.

Rachel said...

um...so...regarding hot yoga....how do I say this....TOLD YOU SO. Thanks love you.

James said...

One, Kim Kardashian has a luscious ass, Meg. Luscious. Two, congrats on finding an acceptable workout. I kind of relate on the pain thing, although I usually get more satisfaction after I'm through it and left with that dull throbbing reminder of what I'd been through (that's what she said?). Three, what kind of thoughts do you get when you're high as a kite first thing in the morning? Four, ZOMGLOLZ you said cuntbag! And five... eh, I can't think of anything clever, I hate Meghan McCain.

Nate said...

Meist!

Monster In A Wheelchair totally just made my morning. How did I not know that video existed before this post?

Anyways, I love you.

L said...

I now have "Part of your world" stuck in my head and will for the remainder of the work day.thanks!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

1.) I'm too scared to get a bikini wax. Discuss.

2.)Yes Rachel, you indeed told me so. How come you still don't go, huh??

3.) James. Holy shit. It's now a goal to see what I can cook up high as a kite at 7:30 in the morning. Get ready.

4.) Nate I love you and your Wayne's World house.

Rachel said...

yeahyeahyeahyeah. i know. I am back in 2 weeks! and if i dont, you should try to sneak in under my account. Its hard man. and hot. so hot. Did becca reward you with yogiberry and/or ZICO? thats the bets part of hot yoga.

Kelly Aline said...

In fairness, my first time at hot yoga with Rachel, I said "you should get funny girl from the blog to come!" since I knew she knew you. She said, "Oh, no way. She would totally hate this." Maybe she was projecting?

James said...

Haha, we can add a wake-and-bake to our to-do list. Probably after we pass out from all the sake and rocking to The Chronic.

Margo said...

Sweet mother o'God when are we as a society going to ban any and all photos and discussion of the Gosselins? I just can't anymore.

I'm terrified of dehydration, can I drink water in hot yoga?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

You can, but only as specified times. I obvs. drank when I wasn't supposed to and got yelled at. Ugh...

Re: In fairness, my first time at hot yoga with Rachel, I said "you should get funny girl from the blog to come!" since I knew she knew you. She said, "Oh, no way. She would totally hate this." Maybe she was projecting?

Rachel knows me all too well. I was 100% anti-hot yoga, but Becca finally wore me down. And I'm damn glad she did! And yes Rachel, she got me a ZICO. So yummy!

Also, I hope when I die, it just says "Funny Girl From the Blog" on my grave.

Casey said...

Meg, I didn't think my new haircut was that bad. I like Kate Gosselin. You didn't have to take a picture of me and put it on your web site to make fun of.

lunch at 11:30 said...

aw hell that is so funny re: hairdo. hey i'm gay as all get-out and *i* can't even stand that haircut. (p.s. go to western PA and that 'do is all the rage. for years and years now. they have no idea how quasi-butch it makes them all look!)

The Kuh said...

That haircut is very stylin' here in Dallas, too. Why, oh, why do Texans...Dallasistes especially, follow all the worst trends? Don't answer that.

Marissa said...

Holy crap. I think I damn near shit my pants reading this. Seriously. Seriously.

That's a compliment.

"Thanks for wearing tight shorts that prominently display your downward-facing dog."

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

I went to a hot yoga class in DC and the yoga man verbally beat me down to nothing with his flexibility superiorness and then I passed out, literally.... my next attempt was in my college town where the only option was a place called "big ron"s and it was 105 degrees and 90 minutes of a bad decision in this guys living room...i hate you hot yoga.

Chelsea Von Awesome said...

Holy effin jebus this was a fantastical blog. First, hot yoga is amazing, I'm glad you realize why. I will never underestimate a cute tatted chick with a yoga mat! Second, my friend has her own version of "The Little Mermaid" song that is a similar concept except she placed a hooker in place of the merlady. It's brilliant, as was you rendition. Thirdly, yes McCain probably should've have used birth control!

Caitlin said...

I almost feel sorry for Meghan McCain. Almost, but not quite.

I relate to the pain factor as well. I have a full sleeve (among six other tattoos) and that one alone has taken nine hours so far and isn't done.

ashzilla said...

roller derby...hahahahaaaaaaaa!!!!!

poelondon said...

I'm with you....hellz to the nah on the bikini wax. However, I have two tattoos (one on the back of my neck and an obligatory tramp stamp because I am a 90s cliche) and I didn't think either one was painful at all.

Piercings are obviously an entirely different story (again, a 90s cliche complete with flannel and bad attitude against corporate America, ie: my current masters)

freckled said...

hey so i really appreciate your kate gosselin-hair imposter pics. its relieving to know others share the same WHATTHEFUCK sentiment concerning her reverse mullet skunk chunk sweep style. just for shits and giggles i've attached a website where you can actually try her hair on. don't ask me how i found it. just do it (you can find it on page 6).
http://www.instyle.com/instyle/makeover/?action=showMakeover&tab=hair&hairId=1975

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