4.01.2010

State of the Meg — April, 2010

Well, well, well...if it isn't April Fool's Day. Look at you, old "friend." Standing there in your pretty new party dress, fancy little bow in your hair, shiny new pennies in your penny loafers...Another year older? ANOTHER YEAR MORE IRRITATING, I SAY.

In case you new readers haven't picked up on it, April Fool's Day—or
Day of Shattered Dreams & Burning Regrets, as I call it—is an especially hard day for me. Besides being a truly obnoxious "holiday" in and of itself, April Fool's Day is also the anniversary of the day I let my one shot at love with Michael Showalter slip between my fingers like sand through an hourglass. I'm not going to get into what happened because if I start I won't stop, so kindly educate yourself on my heartbreak here. This year marks the two year anniversary of Operation M! F.I.L.M.'s failure and much like the anniversary of the death of a loved one; it never gets any easier. I'm sorry. I'm getting a little choked up. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.........

OK, I'm over. (No, no I'm not. Nor will I ever been, but there's only so much blog space I can dedicate to pining over a lost opportunity to say "Um. Hey." to Michael Showalter before I start feeling slightly too Misery for my liking. So for the greater good, I'm going to move on.) (I'm just saying that I'm a Jewess with huge knockers and it's his loss. That's all.) (OK, seriously, moving on.) (I mean, I bought the entire first fucking season of Michael & Michael Have Issues on iTunes, what more do you want from me?!) (Meg, you're making an ass out of yourself again. What did we learn last April Fool's Day? Just move on.) (And I will, I just have one more thing to say.) (Frankly, I don't trust you.) (Please?) (Sigh...fine. Make it quick.) (Why? We both know you don't have anything to write about today.) (I think I fleshed something out last night while I was doing laundry, thank you very much.) (Oh this should be good. Pitching more books about road head today, are we?) (Do you want to get your last little piece out or not, asshole?) (Yes, sorry. OK. I just want to say that I'm a young, attractive, comedy writer with a heart of gold and breasts as big as my personality and I think I would be a wonderfully fun and supportive girlfriend. So there. That's all I have to say..........And if all else fails, I have a block and a sledgehammer and I will HOBBLE YOUR ASS BACK TO THE STONE AGE!) (..Sigh. God damn I hate you.) (Sorry.)

In other news, Co-Blogger Chris and I finally got together for dinner last night to celebrate him finally moving to the area. Unfortunately for the both of us, he was distracted the entire time by how anxious the first week at work has been and I was distracted the entire time by how sick I felt and the result was a kind of match.com first date vibe wafting throughout the evening. I think I know more about Chris than any other person on the planet and we've both been looking forward to this for months, but the phrase "Soooo...what else can I tell you about my life?" was uttered more than a few times throughout the meal.

As we waited for our check, I asked Chris a question that I'm sure all of my friends are sick of hearing at this point: "What should I write about on the blog tomorrow?" "Well," he answered, "what's been going on in your life recently?" I thought we had established during all of the awkward silences in our dinner that nothing's been going on in my life recently, but for the sake of a blog post, I sat there with Chris and made a list of noteworthy things that have been going on my life recently. A State of the Meg, if you will. I share that State of the Meg with you now:

State of the Meg — April, 2010

- I turn 25 in a few weeks. I guess that's kind of legit. I can legally rent a car, which is...cool.

- I head back to the work force this weekend. I'll be going back to the retail job I worked in college to get some money while I work on my writing (HA HA, lofty goals. I'm adorable!) I'm not saying where though because I don't want certain bosses who might hold certain grudges against me and a certain blog I write (META!) calling certain managers and telling them what a certain asshole I am. I just googled "2birds1blog" plus the name of said mystery establishment and it yielded two posts, so it's out there. Happy hunting. And please don't be the asshole who figures it out and posts it in the comment section thinking you're helping people because really you're just helping certain bosses. If my vagueness is really that irritating, just shoot me an email and I'll let you know.

- I'm sick, which kind of blows. I can't tell if it's allergies or a cold/flu, but it's something fierce. According to my mom it's allergies, but Becca and I have a little inside joke that our mom thinks everything is allergies. I could be like, "Mom, I've got my period" and she'd be like, "PSHHH, you're not menstruating; it's just allergies." I think Alex and I are going to check out the Cherry Blossom Festival Friday, so if that kills me, my mom was right; it's allergies. Damn you DC. You are beautiful, yet painful when in bloom.

- In the meantime, I'm all about Mucinex. Upon hearing this, Chris expressed some concern tonight that I have an "odd obsession" with Mucinex and I "talk about it too much," but I'm sorry—that shit works. Having the immune system of Tiny Tim, I've always just accepted that always being stuffed up but never able to blow my nose will always be a part of life. AND THEN, I MET MUCINEX. Absolutely nothing breaks that shit up like Mucinex. Nothing. It boggles the mind. I didn't even know what Mucinex was until my sister got sick last year and her fiance was like, "Duh, Mucinex. Ever heard of it?" And frankly, the McBlogger family never had. So thank you, sir. You enrich my sister's life and my nasal passages. I welcome you to the family.

I might really talk about Mucinex slightly too much to be healthy though. I can't talk confidentially about my writing skills or this blog to save my life, but I would happily travel door-to-door selling Mucinex if I could. Full time. The following was very seriously my ghcat icon for a significant period of time:
Photobucket
I'm not saying I have a problem; I'm saying I have a solution. (And for the record, Mucinex isn't paying me to say any of this. And even if they did, I wouldn't accept it because the relief their product provides me with is payment enough.) (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Lies. I'm so fucking broke.)

- I'm nervous because I can't take take a deep breath without wheezing and going into a painful coughing fit. I just really hope whatever I have isn't pneumonia or anything because I obviously still don't have health insurance and I think I wasted my one parent-paid trip to the hospital on when I had diarrhea. God damnit, I hate my life...

- I've been watching a lot of Living Single recently. HA HA, Maxine.
Photobucket
I find her witty banter with Kyle to be sexually charged and hee-larious.

Living Single is another odd thing I've begun bringing up a lot in lieu of office talk. I was at my friend Jenna's dinner party a few weeks ago and she was talking about how there had been a few break-ins in her neighborhood recently. I jumped into the conversation with:

"Oh! I was watching Living Single today and somebody broke into the girl's apartment."

::Silent stares around the table::

"Yeah...Queen Latifah got her nunchucks out and scared him off."

::More silent stares. I think Laura added a slow head nod to help me out.::

"...That's really all I'm bringing to the table these days, guys."

::Conversation moves on::

- Did you know that pigs can't swim and if they try, they'll slit their own throats with their hooves? I swear to god, that's actually something I told Chris re: what's new in your life? A fun fact about pigs. That's what's new with me.

- I'm super excited about our new advice column, Queer Abby! So I hope you guys have questions! Email QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com. W00t.

- Remember my story last week about American Dan? Well it turns out a 2b1b reader went to high school with him and emailed me his full name yesterday along with the fun fact that he just joined Facebook. I'm going to go out on a limb and make a bold statement—I am just as attracted to him as I was when I was 18, if not more. Yeah. I said it. And I am 100% standing by it. He's also still living in Ocean City and very much single. So there's that. Just facts. Just simple facts I'm throwing out into the universe and hoping come back to me in the form of flame tattoos...

- I have a note in my phone reminding myself to use the following phrases more:
  • Feh
  • Hambeast
  • Hepatitis jokes in general
And again, this isn't me slipping into another edition of Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out..., I literally referenced this to Chris as something that's "new with me".

Overall State of the Meg: STRONG! Unlike a pig in water. BOOM! FULL CIRCLE!

40 comments:

Stephanie said...

I don't know what I was expecting to find checking 2b1b at 2am on a Wednesday night/Thursday morning but what a delightful surprise. I love the shit out of this blog. Conversations with yourself via brackets (ahem, parentheses)? Yes, please!!!

PS: Can you use hambeast in a sentence..I wanna know what it's all about

Design Darling said...

you are awesome.

Ushma said...

Oh Meg, you are hands down amazing. I really have no other words. <3

Miranda said...

I will take a State of Meg update every day of the week.

Goodness, I love this blog so much it creeps me out.

Lisa said...

Great news!
Michael Showalter will be in DC on May 5th at the Black Cat, according to his latest tweet.
Time to reinstate Operation M! F.I.L.M!

Laura said...

Meggles, I'm sorry the only Living Single encouragement I could offer was a slow head nod. Although, to our mutual defense, we'd been drinking booze from a bucket so I think Living Single references and slow head nods are about what you can expect...

Tina said...

While I think I might steal hambeast from you, I have been trying to incorporate douchebaggery into my vocabulary as of late.

And I threw up a little in my mouth when I pictures a poor piglet slicing its own throat in a lake (who threw the pig in the lake in the first place???).

Useless fact for future awkward silences: Platypuses possess mammary glands but no nipples...instead they just secrete milk through their pores for their offspring to feed on. There are grooves in the female platypus' abdomen where the milk pools like a little bowl for the youngins to drink from.

James said...

HELLO! This is why the pigs in Animal Farm were scared of the water!!!!!!

...Anyone?

Leigh said...

so i just googled "can pigs swim" and was taking to this site... http://www.luciesfarm.com/artman/publish/article_107.php. it turns out pigs can swim? but that's not what's interesting. what's interesting is the picture of the woman holding a pig in a pool. please... someone go look at it... i need to share this with someone.

Anonymous said...

@Leigh

I'm looking. I'm also doubled over laughing.

Anonymous said...

From one Meg to another---
You rock my world. Nuff said.

Patrick said...

I looked at the link and the lady in the pool with the pig looks just like Heath Ledger as the Joker.

Anonymous said...

I feel the same way about Gummi vitamins as you do about Mucinex. I push them on everyone who will listen and force people to try them.. because hey... they taste like gummi bears and who doesn't like those?! And they're good for you! What! It's amazing. Maybe you should try them and build up your immune system! If I were a smarter person I would invent Gummi birth control. And gummi Valtrex, er, for a friend who has Herpes.

erin said...

hate to break it to you, but pigs can swim without slitting their throats...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXHe73RWVyw

Anonymous said...

Meg, I have this theory about gchatting and how it relates to your semi-weird dinner with Chris.
Gchatting: I love it. I think I would die if it was blocked at work. I pretty much do it all day, every day. However, I have come to the conclusion that it causes some problems in real life. Like when you talk to someone all day on gchat and update them on all the things that you do/mini crises throughout the day/weirdo people in your office/funny things you come across on the internet...nothing is left to talk about at the end of the day when you see the person in the flesh! Dinners become filled with awkward silences, living room hangouts become reiterations of earlier gchat convos, "Did I tell you this already?" prefaces all attempts at starting conversation.
Gchat is rough. I'm still trying to find a balance.

Tiffany said...

I too am 100% in love with Mucinex, greatest OTC medicine ever! Clears everything right up, glad someone else shares this obsession!

Sarah said...

Pretty much everything about this post makes me want to go to the Cherry Blossom festival and squint at every 20-something brunette with a large rack, saying, "McBlogger? Meg McBlogger?"

Karly said...

i love mucinex. its incredible. really. it is.

Misty Albrecht said...

Meg, you should know that my friend and I steal quotes from your blog and use them to update our gchat status'. Nerdy. Maybe? But, I hope you consider it to be a compliment.

Yes, I felt this needed to be shared.

Anonymous said...

I am still sporadically looking up Leigh's pig link. FTR. FTW.

Anonymous said...

OMG I AM STILL LAUGHING SO HARD

Anonymous said...

OMG I AM STILL LAUGHING SO HARD

MiMi & JuJu said...

LOL funniness

CeCe said...

This is my first visit to your blog. Love love love it! I'm LMAO at the Living Single references. I've been doing the same thing with Modern Family lately.

Victoria said...

I love love love Mucinex...that stuff is gold...seriously

Loretta said...

Not to add to your paranoria, but I'd lay off the Mucinex if you're getting any, as it thins mucous in more places than just your nose, thus easing travel for flagellated organisms...

Courtney Alexis said...

I love that you have a reminder list of words to use more frequently. I'm always on the lookout for obnoxiously obscene things to call my husband. Douche-fister and twat-waffle have been recent favorites.

And I heard "cluster f**k: for the first time ever just a few months ago. I try to drop that in conversation whenever possible:

"Did you file these reports for me, Courtney?"

"Yes, I did. But I had a bit of trouble sorting through all of it because it was just a huge cluster f**k of information."

Morgan said...

OMG I used to love Mucinex. I lived on it practically in somphomore year of college....until I realized that unless I take it with food, I have the unfortunate side effect of dry heaving into the toilet for hours. So yeah, there's that....

LATBachelorFan said...

Sometimes the titles of my Spam emails have words that I always mean to integrate into everyday conversation... "porkmonster" being the most recent and hilarious. "Show her your huge porkmonster."

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