Reading this post might give you a panic attack and get you fired. Proceed at your own risk.

My newest obsessions as of late are the following:

1.) Kevin Yang. But that's kind of a given. (Side note: I got a text message from Ruby last night in which she called me "the Yang of her life." I can honestly say that in my 25 years of living, I have never received a compliment that made me feel as complete and whole as that one did. Do with that what you will.)

(Also, while on the phone with Tulane Chris tonight, he asked me, "Meg, can you at some point take a picture of a naked Asian guy and use Kevin Yang heads to censor his nipples and junk?" Yes Chris. Yes, I can.

Oh. NSFW, by the way.)

2.) Kerning the invitation for my sister's bachelorette weekend in Miami. Stop it, Meg. Just stop. It looks fine. Print. Assemble. Send. Move on with your life. Because I could do this indefinitely. I wish I were kidding when I say that I've spent at least two hours every night, for the past four nights (and yes that spans over a weekend...) sitting in front of my computer, obsessively kerning this god damn invitation. And the thing is, I'm completely aware that nobody else is going to notice if the space between the L and the A in our last name is expertly distanced (and it is), the reason I kern it over and over again because it feels good. I have a physical reaction to kerning letters. It's just so god damn satisfying. The reason for me doing this project has moved past wanting to do something nice for my sister and dangerously into "Hi, I'm sexually attracted to typesetting" territory. And I don't know what to tell you about it. Some 25 year old girls have sex, I have kerning and Kevin Yang jokes. This is a night of bold statements.

(WOW. Sorry to self-interrupt, but I have to share: I seriously just thought to myself, "Man, wouldn't it be totally awesome if there was a job where you just sit there and kern shit all day?!" Uh, hi. That's a petrifying statement. Because not only is there a job that is exactly that, I had it. Remember that pesky year when you were a layout artist at a magazine in New York, Meggles? And remember how every day that you didn't attempt to flush yourself down the toilet to escape and swim free with the dolphins was a personal victory? Tighten the cilice on your leg and go meditate in your room for five hours for ever wishing that situation back upon yourself.) (Yes ma'am.)

3.) Reminiscing about Middle School. I swear to Christ, I really have let middle school go. I don't know what I can do to convince you that I don't sit here all day wearing stove-pipe jeans and baby tees staring at myself in a mirror saying affirmations. I've moved on. It's just that things keep coming up that remind me of middle school and what am I supposed to do? Not freak out about it? Please. Although I do appreciate the fact that I got an email last week from a reader who I went to middle school with apologizing for being friends with Dana P of My Top 5 All-Time Grudges fame and asking me not to spit on the tote bag she had just ordered from the merch store. (Dana P who, by the way, still hasn't apologized to me. Your best friend follows the blog on Twitter. I know you know what's up. And now you know I know you know. Make it right. I was just at a bar this weekend talking to some people from high school and Jessica P, also of My Top 5 All-Time Grudges fame, came up and guess what? I had her back and was singing her praises all night! Did you ever think you'd live to see the day?? I sure as shit didn't. But she made it right with me and that's how it works. You know where to reach me.

meg@2birds1blog.com.) And don't worry, kind reader. I won't spit on your tote bag. Although I do remember being sufficiently jealous of your hair in middle school. But I've let it go! I swears!

That all being said...I did dwell on middle school for a mighty long time yesterday afternoon. But again, it totally wasn't my fault! Helena came over and I put my iTunes on shuffle for some background noise and guess what came up first? The Fly's "Got You Where I Want You." I don't know who set my iTunes to traumatized, but yet again was transported right back to middle school, a la White Town's "Your Woman."

I joked that we should just make a playlist of all the songs that remind us of middle school and 20 seconds later I had a pen and paper in my hand and this list was born. So without further ado, I give you Meg & Helena's Traumatizing Middle School Music Playlist.

- The Flys, "Got You Where I Want You"

OK, Helena didn't remember this song, but I absolutely do. Specifically, I remember that it was really big the summer after sixth grade and Katie Holmes was in the video pushing people off a cliff because it was the single for Teaching Mrs. Tingle. And everything I just said makes me want to vomit.

- White Town, "Your Woman"

Ooof.

- Marcy Playground, "Sex and Candy"

Remember how this video was always on Pop-Up Video? I do. Mostly because every day after school I'd get off the bus, waddle home and proceed to stuff my face with Chips Ahoy! and watch Vh1 for hours on end. Fatty foods and the adult contemporary music channel—sounds about right. I also had the biggest crush on this kid named Whit Ladue in 7th grade and I thought he looked like Marcy Playground's lead singer, so this song will also always make me think of him. His full name was "Ronald Whitney Ladue." Fatty foods, the adult contemporary music channel and a crush on Ronald Whitney Ladue. Oh Meglet. You didn't stand a chance.

- Paula Cole, "Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?"

Shudder, shudder. This song takes me back to such an oddly specific moment. Picture it: 6th grade. A Sunday night in January. I was watching Misery on TBS, eating a bowl of tomato soup and being generally anxious about going to school the next day. When Misery was over, I switched over to Vh1 and I so vividly remember sitting there watching this video while I psyched myself up to ask my mom if I could stay home the next day. I feel physically sick whenever I hear this song because of it. Or watch Misery. (Oh and she said no, by the way. Because if she said yes every time I asked her if I could stay home from school, I'd probably be illiterate right now.)

- Garbage, "Special"

This song will forever remind me of having the stomach flu during the Great Ice Storm of '96. I was so fucking sick and our power went out, so I spent the entire weekend curled up on the couch being nauseous and freezing while listening to a battery operated radio, and "Special" was always playing on HFS because it was the hot jam of the moment. Likewise I couldn't eat Boboli pizza after that weekend because it was primarily what I threw up the first night I got sick. Memories!

- Lit, "Miserable"

Am I douchebag for still thinking this song is kind of good? (Answer: a resounding yes.)

- Lit, "My Own Worst Enemy"

Oh yeah. Summer after 6th grade. Hanging out at Teresa's house for weeks on end and playing on her WebTV because it was like, the most mind-boggling piece of technology I had ever seen. BOOM!

- Shawn Colvin, "Sunny Came Home"

Helena hit it out of the fucking park with this one.

- Jewel, "Foolish Games"

I mean, really anything Jewel has ever done ever reminds me of middle school. "Foolish Games" specifically reminds me of going to Old Navy for the first time in 1996 when one opened up on Rockville Pike and thinking that store was the trendiest thing since sliced Airwalks.

- Cardigans, "Lovefool"

Remember when the Cardigans were on 90210? They were the band that played After Prom at the Peach Pit and I distinctly remember after they finished "Lovefool," the lead singer chick got on the mic and said, "Hey, Peach Pit After Dark! We don't normally do gigs like this, but how could I say no to my old friend Nat?" or some shit like that. That was really irritating. Because if you're going to be the band who makes an appearance on 90210, own it, you know?

- No Doubt, "Don't Speak"

This doesn't have anything to do with middle school, but "Don't Speak" makes me think of "Spiderwebs" which makes me think of the time in 9th grade when I got my first AIM account and put up "Sorry I'm not home right now, I'm walking in the spiderwebs, so leave a message and I'll call you back!" as my away message and thought I was so clever until my crush IM'ed me with four simple words: "Wow. You're a fag." I swear to all that's good and holy, that's what he IM'ed me. "Wow. You're a fag." I came back and saw that he'd messaged me and was like, "tee-hee-hahaha he saw how unbelievably witty I am and now I bet he wants to suck face!" And then I clicked on his message and saw, "Wow. You're a fag." Crestfallen. I ultimately got my revenge a few months later though when he tried to hook up with me in my parent's basement while we watched Almost Famous and I shot him down. That'll teach you to disrespect my clever No Doubt based jokes, asshole.

- Eve 6, "Here's to the Night"

Oh man, this reminds me of going to my first real co-ed party. It was a party with all the kids I went to camp with the summer after sixth grade and I asked Becca for advice on what I should wear. She looked up and down at what I was wearing (khaki shorts and a sleeveless button-up oxford shirt with a brown ribbon that I had tied around the collar and into a bow) and I swear to god said to me, "Well first things first—stop dressing like The Colonel." Looking back, that's probably one of the funniest things anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. Ultimately she let me borrow one of her outfits for the night—a white baby-tee with a blue ADIDAS logo on it, bright orange corduroy shorts and a pair of Tevas. I still don't think I've walked into a party feeling as confident as I did that night. I want to be buried in that outfit

- Weezer, "Undone (The Sweater Song)"

I think this is still one of my dad's favorite songs, which warms my heart.

- Soundgarden, "Black Hole Sun"

This reminds me of that one week in '97 when Becca was really angsty and wore a lot of hemp necklaces and silver jewelry. But then again, I was probably dressed like a southern gentleman hawking fried chicken that week, so you know, glass houses.

- Mighty Mighty Bosstones, "Impression That I Get"

- Reel Big Fish, "Sell Out"

I certainly wouldn't hate a ska revival...

- Jamiroquai, "Virtual Insanity"

I definitely first saw this video during one of my late-afternoon Chips Ahoy!/Vh1 binges and it blew my mind.

- Chumbawamba, "Tubthumping"

I'm kind of impressed that I still know every single lyric to this song. And I'm really fighting an incredible urge to go find a karaoke bar to sing it at as soon as humanly possible...

- Aaliyah, "Are You that Somebody?"

Three words: Bat Mitzvah season.

- Len, "Steal My Sunshine"

I'm just gonna put this out there: this is still one of my favorite songs. I'd call it a guilty pleasure, but I don't feel guilty. It makes me want to do E and drive around the boardwalk on a moped. Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

- Christina Aguilera, "Genie in a Bottle"

Meagan Hume, this song reminds me of the summer you came with my family to Deep Creek Lake. I remember being really into it and staying up all night girlishly giggling about Richie Rosenberg. All. Sorts. Of. LOLZ.

- Britney Spears, "...One More Time"

This reminds me of our 8th grade class trip to New York City. And whoever invented the middle school class trip was a real asshole.

- Wallflowers, "One Headlight"

I'm sorry, but Jakob Dylan is still all different kinds of sexy. Have you seen that CD of his that's always on sale in Starbucks? Me-ow.

- Deep Blue Something, "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Yet another song that transports me back to an oddly specific moment: sitting in the back of Teresa's mom's Tercel en route to the Montgomery County Agricultural Fair to race our hermit crabs. You can take the girl outta Maryland...

- Semisonic, "Closing Time"

This was Becca's high school graduation song in '97 and I'm totally jealous of it. Ours was "Lean On Me" which is bullshit because it's timeless and lame. I wish we had something equally indicative of 2003, like Fat Joe's "Get it Poppin'" or something. So unfair...

- Savage Garden, "I Want You"

Helena: "Oooo! Oooo! What was that song with 'CHICKA-CHERRY-COLA?!"

- Hanson, "MMMBop"

This memory is almost so depressing it's not worth sharing. Almost. "MMMBop" will forever remind me of going into my bathroom to puke one morning in sixth grade before school (not because I had an eating disorder, mind you, simply because I was that anxious about going to school) and I turned on this little radio my sister had gotten at Old Navy (FULL CIRCLE!) to cover up, you know, the vomiting sounds and "MMMBop" came on. I remember pausing from vomiting, looking up at the radio and thinking, "Hmm, this song is mighty catchy!" before going back to vomiting. I mean, Christ. It was middle school Meg, not fucking Auschwitz.

- Aqua, "Barbie Girl"

I think this was my ringtone at some point in high school which is retrospectively embarrassing and hilarious.

- OMC, "How Bizarre"

Dude. This used to be me and Teresa's jam. She sent me a postcard from her summer vacation in Ft. Augustine once detailing all of the zany things that had happened on the trip and then put how bizarre at the end and I thought it was like, fucking comedic genius. It's the little things that get me.

- Los Umbrellos, "No Tengo Dinero"

Helena didn't believe me that this was a mid-90's hit, but a quick poll of Twitter revealed that she's crazy, not me. I remember this song got really big when I was taking the Spanish unit in the sixth grade arts rotation and it really chapped my ass because I was all, "NOW WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! 'No tengo' means 'I don't have', so saying 'I got no tengo' is like saying 'I don't have I got no money', which is redundant and grammatically incorrect!" And then I probably puked somewhere returned to tending to my hermit crab.

- Vitamin C, "Graduation (Friends Forever)"

- Everclear, "I Will Buy You a New Life"

Everclear was the band in Loser. We all know how I feel about that movie. I don't want to talk about it.

- Spice Girls, "Wannabe"

This will always remind me of my dad taking me and my sister shopping at Express and buying me wide-legged jeans and grape colored nail polish. I mean, it wasn't a white linen pants suit and a bathtub Mint Julep, so at least I was headed in the right direction.

- The Offspring, "Why Don't You Get a Job?"

- The Offspring, "Pretty Fly For a White Guy"

The Offspring reminds me of watching TRL. God yes.

- Total Eclipse of the Heart (Dance Remix)

This is where the playlist ends because after hearing it, Helena and Laura and I all went to different but equally dark, dark places and had to stop playing this game. Personally, I was reminded of the time I went to my first middle school dance in sixth grade. I was actually enjoying it and feeling pretty good about myself, until I started dancing to this song and Alyssa Kunkel (fuck it, I'm not -schm-ing her name. I hope this is the first thing that comes up in a google search.) brutally made fun of me until I stopped dancing. I went home and told my mom what happened and I can still hear her being like, "WHAT?! HOW DARE SHE! MEGHAN, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL DANCER! WHY DID YOU STOP DANCING?! WHY DID YOU STOP DANCING?!?!" And that's when I looked up and realized that both Helena and Laura were staring at the ground with their eyes glazed-over, reliving their own traumatic first middle school dance experience and this game wasn't fun anymore.

So Jenna and Carla came over and we started drinking. Heavily. Because not being 13 fucking owns.

$1,699. How many make out sessions is that?

Ok, so I'm having some money issues. I'm having a fiscal moment, if you will. The extreme delay of yesterday's post proved that I really need to man-up and find a way to get myself a new laptop. I can't operate to the best of my ability on this abacus, bless it's pre-Colonial heart. A few kind souls have suggested that I get a PayPal account and put up a donate button on the blog, but I just genuinely don't feel comfortable doing that. Let's not pretend I don't communicate with you people all day and know you like the back of my hand; you're just as broke as I am, if not more. I don't want your money. I just want your votes. That's right, I need you to vote 2birds1blog for another competition. IT'S IRRITATING AND SELF-SERVING, I KNOW! But follow my logic:

2b1b gets featured on a "Best Of" list or wins a competition —> more readers and more publicity —> odds increase that the blog will land in the lap of someone who can pay me —> money —> purchase new laptop/able to pay Comcast bill/buy Adobe Creative Suite/buy podcasting tools —> more blog posts, website upgrade, weekly podcast (2birds1podcast WILL happen this year, god damnit. It has to. Creating it was my New Year's Resolution. Oh shit, am I not supposed to say what my New Year's Resolution was? Are resolutions like birthday wishes? Did I just ruin everything? Damnit...) = YOU ARE A HAPPY LITTLE CAMPER ENTERTAINED IN YOUR CUBICLE ALL DAY! So really, your happiness is my end game here. I'm just thinking of you, baby.

So if you could be a lamb and go here (Washingtonian magazine's Best of Washington 2010), scroll down to the bottom and fill in 2birds1blog for #52: Best Blogger, I would appreciate it immensely. I swear it'll take two shakes and you'll be automatically entered to win tickets to the Best Of party and dinner for two at one of Washingtonian's 100 Very Best Restaurants. Which is actually pretty cool. It's like Washingtonian bribed you for me! That was awfully nice of them. I'll still go into the woods tomorrow and ask the Jäger Deer if we can do another giveaway Friday though. Just in case dinner and a cocktail party is too classy to get you to vote; Jäger and I got you covered.

Oh! And speaking of me and Jäger and my money woes! You know what is incredibly irritating? I got a copy of my letter of termination in the mail the other week (after I left it on my desk while trying not to pee my pants the day I got fired) and one of the official reasons I got fired was: "Working for other companies while employed by us including Jager."


That fucking gets my goat for so many reasons. Reasons that I will share with you now:

1.) That is the most bullshit reason to fire someone I have ever heard in my entire life. I mean, the entire firing was kind of bullshit, of course, but that specifically is the most bullshittiest reason of them all. I wasn't allowed to work for another company while working for them? Oh, REALLY? I don't remember signing anything. I call shenanigans. Also, do you know how many people in this world have second jobs? A shit ton. You can't fire someone for having a second job. And if you want someone to just work for you, you need to pay them more than 32 cotton swabs a year with no benefits, for Christ's sake.

2.) I never had a second job! I worked for them and only them. Granted, I didn't work very hard, but that's not what's being argued here. That was argued about two lines down.

3.) It's Jäger, not Jager. If you're going to take the time to draft an adorable little professional-looking letter of termination, at least take the time to find the umlaut. It just shows that you give a fuck. And I assume they do give a fuck or else they wouldn't have slaughtered an entire forest printing out the blog to slam on my desk for dramatic effect, fired me or threatened legal action in the first place. Insert —> Symbol —> ä. God, I even have to show them how to fire me correctly. That office must be a mess without me.

4.) Most importantly: I DON'T WORK FOR JÄGER! That's the entire fucking problem! I have worked my ass off trying to show Jäger what an asset our community would be to them and I haven't seen a single penny as a result of it. So the fact that I got fired for being on their payroll makes me want to fill a swimming pool with the resulting irony and drown myself in it. Now, I realize I could possibly solve my fiscal problems by suing them for wrongful termination, but alas—I'm not white trash and my answer to everything isn't to sue everyone. In the immortal words of Destiny's Child: "My momma taught me better than that."

So. I already work and write. I can't do freelance design because I don't have the necessary design programs on my abacus. There has to be an additional way to get $1,699 fast. Here are my ideas thus far:

- Hooking. OK, HEAR ME OUT! Blow jobs? Hand jobs? Ugh, no thank you. I barely do that for love, nevertheless money. I'd consider having sex for money. At least with sex I get something in return. But sex for money with strangers? 'Eh...it's a bit much. I'd totally make out with someone for money and maybe have sex with them if they're attractive and we get along. I'm pretty sure that's just called "hooking up with someone," but either way, I'm into it. You could just take the money you'd spend buying me drinks and hand it directly over to me in cold hard cash. And shit—if there's a connection between us, there's always the chance I might blow you! A black man is President; anything's possible! So what I'm trying to say is, option #1: become a make out hooker.

- Before you suggest it, stripping is out. I can barely do 30 minutes on the elliptical, I'm not physically grinding a pole all night for all the tea in China.

- Also selling my eggs is out. I looked into it. You have to do five months of daily hormone injection shots first. Uh, no thanks. Sometimes when I'm at my parents house, I'll stick one of my mom's disposable insulin pen needles in my arm to get attention and I seriously have to psych myself up for like a solid five minutes first to do it. Then once I do it my mom's never impressed because she has to do it in her stomach, so I try to stick it in my stomach and puss out every single time and then get yelled at for wasting another needle without even injecting myself with it. Oh well. At least I get the maternal attention I so desperately crave. (This isn't an adorable Meglet story, by the way. The last time I did this was in February. Yeah, I'm 25. What of it?)

- Sell my plasma. You can get $36 a trip for selling plasma x the twice a week donation cap = $72 a week x 4 weeks = $288 a month; $1,699 ÷ $288 = 5.8 months. Psh, that's actually not that good. Plus I'd have to pass a drug test which is just laughable. Sigh. I just really wish I had sperm. I'd hit up every single fertility clinic on the eastern seaboard and jizz my way to MacBook Pro victory. But plasma's a start, I guess.

- This next idea is Helena's and I think it's fucking genius: Stay at Helena's house or, ideally, house sit for someone loaded and rent out my apartment. I'm not going to lie to you, my studio is fucking sweet and I'll pimp her out to the highest bidder. I mean, hi, I was at the Cherry Blossom Festival last Friday; this town is fucking packed to it's Dockers wearing balls with tourists this time of year. Why stay at a cold, informal hotel when you can stay in someone's sweet and incredibly well decorated (if I may say so myself. My friend Jenna also once described it as a "museum of cool." HER WORDS, NOT MINE.) studio?? We're talkin' luxury bathroom, full kitchen, a bed nicknamed "Operation Max Comfort" because I have designed it specifically to be the most comfortable place on the fucking planet, fully stocked bar AND refrigerated Jäger machine, cable, DVD player, wi-fi, rooftop pool with amazing view, security and most importantly, located AN single block away from Dupont Circle and the metro. I mean, please. I don't think I'm asking for a lot when I say I want $150/night. Splitting it between four people to make it cheaper? I don't give a shit as long as I get my money. Put two in the bed, one on the couch and bring an air mattress. There, I just solved that for you. And you're welcome. (As are tips.)

The only problem with this, of course, is the moral and ethical questions it raises as this is technically my sister's apartment. Technically, meaning that she out-right owns it. 100%. But Becca knows what a wile, shifty little character I am, right? She finds it charming! Right?...RIGHT?!

- Get a development deal for my own reality show. I'm actually not sure if having your own reality show pays monetarily, but it certainly pays in product placement. People throw free shit at those reality ho-bags all the time hoping it'll show up on TV and I will gladly use anything Apple throws my way. Perhaps a new 15" MacBook Pro? Oh, hey thanks! Just what I needed! Getting a reality show can't be that hard, right? It seems like everybody has their own reality show these days. (Side note: remember when Nick Hogan was shopping around a reality show about getting out of prison and he wanted to call it Real Ality? That never fails to make me laugh-out-loud every single time I think about it. It's like Old Faithful.) Plus, nobody can seem to make a reality show about living in DC that doesn't either get canceled before it even airs (Blonde Charity Mafia—R.I.P.) or make people want to stick freshly sharpened pencils directly into their eyeballs. (Real World DC. You tried. You tried real hard.) I've got this, right?

Although Helena raised the good point of what would they show when I watch TV all day? My idea:


- Find an eccentric millionaire to fund my blog, buy me all of my technological needs and in turn become the Patron Saint of 2birds1blog. I'm over finding corporate sponsorship. OVER IT, I say. Corporations aren't hip to the fact that blogs are a good investment and nuts to them for it. Thus, I just need to find a good-old fashioned patron of the arts to keep us afloat. A patron of the boner-joke arts, true, but that's an art. Right?

Oh my god I'm so fucking screwed. This is never going to happen, is it? But like, ever. Like in the greater scheme of things. I'm so depressed. I'll be passing out fliers about my make out services in the greater Dupont/K Street area if you need me.

State of the Meg — April, 2010

Well, well, well...if it isn't April Fool's Day. Look at you, old "friend." Standing there in your pretty new party dress, fancy little bow in your hair, shiny new pennies in your penny loafers...Another year older? ANOTHER YEAR MORE IRRITATING, I SAY.

In case you new readers haven't picked up on it, April Fool's Day—or Day of Shattered Dreams & Burning Regrets, as I call it—is an especially hard day for me. Besides being a truly obnoxious "holiday" in and of itself, April Fool's Day is also the anniversary of the day I let my one shot at love with Michael Showalter slip between my fingers like sand through an hourglass. I'm not going to get into what happened because if I start I won't stop, so kindly educate yourself on my heartbreak here. This year marks the two year anniversary of Operation M! F.I.L.M.'s failure and much like the anniversary of the death of a loved one; it never gets any easier. I'm sorry. I'm getting a little choked up. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.........

OK, I'm over. (No, no I'm not. Nor will I ever been, but there's only so much blog space I can dedicate to pining over a lost opportunity to say "Um. Hey." to Michael Showalter before I start feeling slightly too Misery for my liking. So for the greater good, I'm going to move on.) (I'm just saying that I'm a Jewess with huge knockers and it's his loss. That's all.) (OK, seriously, moving on.) (I mean, I bought the entire first fucking season of Michael & Michael Have Issues on iTunes, what more do you want from me?!) (Meg, you're making an ass out of yourself again. What did we learn last April Fool's Day? Just move on.) (And I will, I just have one more thing to say.) (Frankly, I don't trust you.) (Please?) (Sigh...fine. Make it quick.) (Why? We both know you don't have anything to write about today.) (I think I fleshed something out last night while I was doing laundry, thank you very much.) (Oh this should be good. Pitching more books about road head today, are we?) (Do you want to get your last little piece out or not, asshole?) (Yes, sorry. OK. I just want to say that I'm a young, attractive, comedy writer with a heart of gold and breasts as big as my personality and I think I would be a wonderfully fun and supportive girlfriend. So there. That's all I have to say..........And if all else fails, I have a block and a sledgehammer and I will HOBBLE YOUR ASS BACK TO THE STONE AGE!) (..Sigh. God damn I hate you.) (Sorry.)

In other news, Co-Blogger Chris and I finally got together for dinner last night to celebrate him finally moving to the area. Unfortunately for the both of us, he was distracted the entire time by how anxious the first week at work has been and I was distracted the entire time by how sick I felt and the result was a kind of match.com first date vibe wafting throughout the evening. I think I know more about Chris than any other person on the planet and we've both been looking forward to this for months, but the phrase "Soooo...what else can I tell you about my life?" was uttered more than a few times throughout the meal.

As we waited for our check, I asked Chris a question that I'm sure all of my friends are sick of hearing at this point: "What should I write about on the blog tomorrow?" "Well," he answered, "what's been going on in your life recently?" I thought we had established during all of the awkward silences in our dinner that nothing's been going on in my life recently, but for the sake of a blog post, I sat there with Chris and made a list of noteworthy things that have been going on my life recently. A State of the Meg, if you will. I share that State of the Meg with you now:

State of the Meg — April, 2010

- I turn 25 in a few weeks. I guess that's kind of legit. I can legally rent a car, which is...cool.

- I head back to the work force this weekend. I'll be going back to the retail job I worked in college to get some money while I work on my writing (HA HA, lofty goals. I'm adorable!) I'm not saying where though because I don't want certain bosses who might hold certain grudges against me and a certain blog I write (META!) calling certain managers and telling them what a certain asshole I am. I just googled "2birds1blog" plus the name of said mystery establishment and it yielded two posts, so it's out there. Happy hunting. And please don't be the asshole who figures it out and posts it in the comment section thinking you're helping people because really you're just helping certain bosses. If my vagueness is really that irritating, just shoot me an email and I'll let you know.

- I'm sick, which kind of blows. I can't tell if it's allergies or a cold/flu, but it's something fierce. According to my mom it's allergies, but Becca and I have a little inside joke that our mom thinks everything is allergies. I could be like, "Mom, I've got my period" and she'd be like, "PSHHH, you're not menstruating; it's just allergies." I think Alex and I are going to check out the Cherry Blossom Festival Friday, so if that kills me, my mom was right; it's allergies. Damn you DC. You are beautiful, yet painful when in bloom.

- In the meantime, I'm all about Mucinex. Upon hearing this, Chris expressed some concern tonight that I have an "odd obsession" with Mucinex and I "talk about it too much," but I'm sorry—that shit works. Having the immune system of Tiny Tim, I've always just accepted that always being stuffed up but never able to blow my nose will always be a part of life. AND THEN, I MET MUCINEX. Absolutely nothing breaks that shit up like Mucinex. Nothing. It boggles the mind. I didn't even know what Mucinex was until my sister got sick last year and her fiance was like, "Duh, Mucinex. Ever heard of it?" And frankly, the McBlogger family never had. So thank you, sir. You enrich my sister's life and my nasal passages. I welcome you to the family.

I might really talk about Mucinex slightly too much to be healthy though. I can't talk confidentially about my writing skills or this blog to save my life, but I would happily travel door-to-door selling Mucinex if I could. Full time. The following was very seriously my ghcat icon for a significant period of time:

I'm not saying I have a problem; I'm saying I have a solution. (And for the record, Mucinex isn't paying me to say any of this. And even if they did, I wouldn't accept it because the relief their product provides me with is payment enough.) (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Lies. I'm so fucking broke.)

- I'm nervous because I can't take take a deep breath without wheezing and going into a painful coughing fit. I just really hope whatever I have isn't pneumonia or anything because I obviously still don't have health insurance and I think I wasted my one parent-paid trip to the hospital on when I had diarrhea. God damnit, I hate my life...

- I've been watching a lot of Living Single recently. HA HA, Maxine.

I find her witty banter with Kyle to be sexually charged and hee-larious.

Living Single is another odd thing I've begun bringing up a lot in lieu of office talk. I was at my friend Jenna's dinner party a few weeks ago and she was talking about how there had been a few break-ins in her neighborhood recently. I jumped into the conversation with:

"Oh! I was watching Living Single today and somebody broke into the girl's apartment."

::Silent stares around the table::

"Yeah...Queen Latifah got her nunchucks out and scared him off."

::More silent stares. I think Laura added a slow head nod to help me out.::

"...That's really all I'm bringing to the table these days, guys."

::Conversation moves on::

- Did you know that pigs can't swim and if they try, they'll slit their own throats with their hooves? I swear to god, that's actually something I told Chris re: what's new in your life? A fun fact about pigs. That's what's new with me.

- I'm super excited about our new advice column, Queer Abby! So I hope you guys have questions! Email QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com. W00t.

- Remember my story last week about American Dan? Well it turns out a 2b1b reader went to high school with him and emailed me his full name yesterday along with the fun fact that he just joined Facebook. I'm going to go out on a limb and make a bold statement—I am just as attracted to him as I was when I was 18, if not more. Yeah. I said it. And I am 100% standing by it. He's also still living in Ocean City and very much single. So there's that. Just facts. Just simple facts I'm throwing out into the universe and hoping come back to me in the form of flame tattoos...

- I have a note in my phone reminding myself to use the following phrases more:

• Feh
• Hambeast
• Hepatitis jokes in general
  

And again, this isn't me slipping into another edition of Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out..., I literally referenced this to Chris as something that's "new with me".

Overall State of the Meg: STRONG! Unlike a pig in water. BOOM! FULL CIRCLE!