2.12.2010

Tips for assimilating back into society

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH AND AN INCONVENIENCED SIGH. Welp. Here I am. Back in this dump show of an office after seven glorious days of being curled up in my bed with nary a worry or pair of pants in sight for miles. I knew the dream couldn't last forever, but that doesn't mean I'm not bitter about it.

HOWEVER! I have three items of good news:

1.) It's T.G.I. Hagman. And how bad can life really be when it's T.G.I.-fuckin'-Hagman, am I right or am I right??



As of 1:16pm on Friday, February 12, 2010, Larry Hagman is...............alive! God is good all of the time, and all of the time, God is good.

2.) I got the following email the other day from 2b reader Aline:

Hi Meg,
I was reading gawker, and it said something about omegle.com. I'm not usually up for chatting with strangers, but I was bored, and 'tis the snowpocalypse (read: there is nothing better to do), so why not?

Anyway, the first person signed in, said "I'm sad" and left.

The second person, signed in and only said "2birds1blog.com. Read it." and then they left (Convo log below). I think that you should get all of your readers to do that. Hi-Larious. Well that's it. I'm headed out into the snow to go to CVS :( Hope you get to feeling better!

Cheers,
Aline

___
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hi!
Stranger: 2birds1blog.com. Read it.
You: Really? I already do-isn't it funny?

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

I. LOVE. IT. Mostly because that stranger wasn't me and it makes me excited when people besides myself pimp out the blog like a small Mexican boy with chicle on the 'nets. So to whoever is going on ohmegle.com to promote the blog, I have a gift for you. And that gift is in my pants and rhymes with "schot schmex."

3.) According to an unconfirmed rumor circulating via Laura, Luke and The Tranny from More to Love BROKE UP!!!!!1 Initially I was heart-broken when I heard this because if two people could ever make it in this crazy, mixed-up world, it was them. BUT! This does open the door for a More to Love 2. And you know I'm crossing my fingers that it's called, More to Love 2: Back for Seconds.

So there. Life is good. And as bitter as I am that I have to be back in this shanty town, I am
slightly psyched to not be holed up in my apartment anymore. Cabin Fever was starting to set in big time and things were getting..."unique." But slowly, DC is digging itself out it's snow coffin and getting back to real life (until next week's Snowpocalypse, that is.) I thought instead of giving you a drinking game this week, I'd be helpful and share with all of you cracked-out snowy Washingtonians a few tips I've found helpful for assimilating back into society. Enjoy.

5 Tips For Assimilating Back Into Society After The Snowpocalypse

1.) Listening in on other people's conversions is not appropriate because they are not on TV.
Surprising! I know. Halfway through dinner at James Hoban's the other night, Helena realized she had zoned out and was awkwardly staring at the people sitting next to us and blatantly listening to their conversation. Apparently in a post-Snowpocalypto society, this is not "appropriate," as other people do not exist solely for our own entertainment. Don't worry, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it too, but together we can get through this.

2.) A two year old box of Zattaran's Dirty Rice, a bag of confectioner's sugar and a Black and Mild does not a meal make.
Nothing makes you think outside of the culinary box like being confined to the contents of your own dusty kitchen for days on end. I never have food in my apartment to begin with, so this past week has been particularly interesting for me. One time Anna unexpectedly crashed at my place for a weekend in college and she compared the experience to living in Communist Russia. While I was working on a paper one night, she started to complain that she was starving. I promised we'd order food as soon as I was done, but hours later when I was still writing and she was still starving, she ventured into my kitchen to see what she could find. Five minutes later, she returned and put the following on my desk: a box of Goldfish crackers, a jar of cloves and AN single Busch Light. "This is literally all you have in your kitchen," she said weakly. With a shaking little hand, she slowly put the jar of cloves on top of the box of Goldfish, cracked open the Busch Light, pointed to it and asked, ".....Cook it for me?" Shortly after, I gave in and we ordered out.

In the past week, I have consumed every single Goldfish cracker and every random Holiday spice hidden in my kitchen. I ate vintage pizza from 1994. I drank a bottle of Manischewitz wine I found behind a bunch of DVD's, covered in an inch of dust. I don't remember what "vegetables" taste like.

I'm genuinely nervous about the weight I'm going to gain this weekend because I don't know how to handle all of the food options that are now open to me. I hoofed it to Baja Fresh yesterday, patiently waited in line and proceeded to ask them to take the contents of their kitchen, put it in one of those sour cream gun dispensers and inject it directly into my stomach. Just because the option was open to me. And they did. And it was wonderful.

3.) Chugging from a half-empty bottle of Captain Morgan's at 11am while wearing loose fitting clothing is called being homeless.
If this were Snowpocalypse: you'd be drunk by now.

4.) Your life is not a Bravo reality TV show, so stop narrating it to the wall when you're on the john.
Something tells me this might only be applicable to me...so I will move on.

5.) Jokes that were funny when stuck in your house and incredibly cracked out might not translate to the real world.
My prime example of this is Seanvote.

Over the course of Snowpocalypse, I played a lot of Words With Friends (iphone Srabble app. Username: Meg4lYfe. No big deal.) with Helena's boyfriend, Jonathan. At one point, he was absolutely destroying me. Like, embarrassingly so. I needed to pull out a big gun, but the letters were not on my side. Round after round, I played words like "AN," 'HI" and "AT" while thinking, "If only SEANVOTE were a real word, I could turn this fucking game around right here and right now!" Helena then pointed out that that's the benefit of real scrabble: if you're convincing enough, any word can be a real word. Thus, we set out to make Seanvote
"happen." We decided Seanvote is a substitute for the word "shit" and can have both positive and negative connotations. For example, "Dude, that band is the fucking seanvote." Or, "Fuck that guy. He's just a worthless pile of seanvote." Or, "Oh man, pull over, I gotta take the biggest seanvote."

Believe it or not, this was incredibly funny to us at the time. So much so that when we met up with Jenna and Laura for drinks last night, we shamelessly continued to substitute it for the word "shit" until it caught on. And I don't know if it was because Jenna and Laura were just as cracked out as we were or if it was because there was alcohol involved, but it totally did:


So, really, I amend this tip to: Jokes that were funny when stuck in your house and cracked out might not translate to the real world. Unless it's the word SEANVOTE. In which case you should totally spread it around like wild fire.

Welp, that's gonna do it for us here this week! WAIT, NEVER MIND. I just checked my email and got this amazing Winter Olympics Drinking Game from 2b reader Veronica, written by her friend Chelsea. And frankly, it's too good not to share. So I bid you adieu and leave you with Chelsea's Winter Olympics Drinking Game! As always, thank you so much for reading and spreading the 2b1b word. Hope you don't have a seanvotty weekend (bahaha...see what I did there?!) and we'll see you back here Monday morning when hopefully I'm less cracked out, have done something more blog-worthy than napped pantsless and have regained my sense of humor. Buh-bye!


Rules:
- Drink when a figure skater is shown
- Drink twice if it's Johnny Weir
- Finish your drink if he's referred to as "controversial"
- Finish your drink whenever someone triumphs over adversity
- Drink when "the native people" perform a traditional dance
- Drink when someone mentions the 1980 USA Olympic Hockey Team
- Drink twice if a member of the 1980 USA Olympic Hockey Team is shown
- Drink when you see a mountie
- Drink when someone says "aboot"
- Drink when someone mentions the Jamaican Bobsled Team
- Finish your drink if the Jamaican Bobsled Team is there
- Finish your drink when the country you are representing enters the arena
- Drink when someone says "curling"
- Drink when someone says "luge"
- Drink when someone is referred to as a "gold medal favorite"
- Drink whenever someone says, "I'm just happy to be here"
- Do a shot if someone is "not expected to place well but just here for the experience,"(see above re: Jamaican Bobsled Team)
- Do a shot when the US Team enters the arena
- Do a shot when the torch is lit

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

Meghan, stop trying to make seanvote happen! It's not going to happen!

Oh, it’s like slang, from... England.

Travis said...

That's some straight up gangsta seanvote.

I don't know.


~Travis

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

NICE! Travis is the seanvote.

(It's really not going to happen, is it?)

Cassie said...

What is the traditional ethnic dance of Vancouver? I'm imagining some sort of polka, but that may just be because the only Candadians in my life right now are a family of polka-happy Jews.

Anonymous said...

engineers (aka enginerds) will never fully be assimilated into society.

case in point: conversation between two of my coworkers which was the source of much guffawing in my cubicle.

doug: happy valentine's day
rachael: happy singles awareness day
doug: ill pet my kitty once or twice for you

the end.

SAY WHAT?!

Unknown said...

I'm not going to lie, I'm extremely pumped for curling. Although after 'Snowtorious B.I.G.: Getting pumped for the Olympics while drunkenly watching Cool Runnings' turned into me waking up the next day pantsless (later found in shower along with the shirt I vaguely believe I was wearing at the start of the night) - apparently I managed to find a new shirt - I may be taking the Curling Drinking Game to a lower level. Plus it would consist of the one rule "You don't know what's going on."

Jessica said...

This blog makes me happy. Meg, can we be best friends? pah-liiicceee???

Unknown said...

Can you please clarify the correct way to pronounce seanvote please???

I mean i don't want to be out spreading the good word mispronouncing it - ill look like a damn fool! kthx

Sweet T said...

I can't wait to play this drinking game tonight! I hope we get two more feet so I can play this game for like 2 weeks (or however long the olympics are on)!

TB

Unknown said...

Resolved: I've played too much Lexulous (um, right, Facebook Scrabble for the uninitiated) to think, in any way, that SEANVOTE if proof of becoming cracked out. I have a decent vocabulary but so help me, when I get stuck with "aaeeeiinr" I start to believe in words that the OED and Merriam-Webster just refuse to endorse. Besides, SEANVOTE sounds classy.

Unknown said...

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: im a 18 yr old guy looking for nude/sexy pics of a girl
You: I am a nude/sexy girl reading 2birds1blog.com
You have disconnected.

Gpuff said...

So....long time reader, first time commenter, love the blog!
I'm snowed in right now in ALABAMA (wtf?) and the seanvote has hit the fan on the roadways, so I've actually been stuck in the house all day playing....words with friends (Username: Gpuff)....so umm, is it totally beyond awkward if I were to start a game with you, I mean, not that I'm going to or anything....just uh...you know, if I were to, would that be on the cray cray side of things or on the slightly un-cray cray side of things?

Caitlin said...

Hell yes Zatarain's! That's some good shit.

Caitlin said...

Some good seanvote, rather.

Freck said...

Sweet jesus this is some good seanvote.

Anonymous said...

Just spreading the joy:

You: 2birds1blog.com. Read it.
Stranger: fuckyourself

You have disconnected.

Unknown said...

Them's some looooooong legs to be picturing pants-less for the better part of seven days. Something awesome to think about while I'm working my second seanvotty shift of the day.


<3 you Meg!

Lydia said...

Hey, I'm obsessed with words with friends too! I'm agenttiger, and I'm totally starting a game with you, regardless of how creepy that is. And so you know, I sometimes cheat and use www.wineverygame.com when I'm getting the seanvote kicked out of me.

brynn rovito said...

this needs to go in fan faves

Dizzle said...

Stranger: hii
You: hello
Stranger: asl?
You: 22 f usa
Stranger: cool :]
You: you?
Stranger: 16m
Stranger: usa

The first thing that pops into my mind is JAILBAIT! But then he says:

Stranger: to be honest tho ive actually always wanted to be a girl tho

Our conversation that followed had me Wikipediating gender dysphoria on a Saturday night.

Highlight of my life.

Anonymous said...

read 2birds1blog bitches! it's hilarious. i seanvote you not.

ps- v day makes me bat-seanvote crazy so thanks for making me laugh

Anonymous said...

i love the blog, especially when you write (which is quite often). happy valentine's day!

gg said...

kind of glad I'm reading this Monday, re: the opening ceremony drinking game. Those "native dancers" danced for like 2 hours straight. I probably would've been dead.

Unknown said...

I'm not going to lie, I am extremely upset that the movie "Cool Runnings" did not grant the Jamaican Bobsled Team a lifetime qualification to the Olympics. They should get to be there every four years just because that movie was so awesome.

Feel The Rhythm
Feel The Rhyme
Get On Up
It's Bobsled Time!

COOOOOL RUNNINGS

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

For the record, seanvote is pronounced: SHAWN-VOTE. Like, vote for sean, but reversed and in one word.

We also decided that if you're in Europe, you pronounce it Shawn-voté.

Again, this was really, really funny to us at the time. May that speak loudly about our mental state.

Kristin said...

I'm using Seanvote, and because I'm lamely a francophile, I will be pronouncing it Seanvoté.

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!

Sarah said...

I've never commented before, and I know you didn't write the drinking game this time...but it's the first one I've played for reals and it was amazing. My roomie and I talked about you to my boyfriend like you were our bff, just one we hadn't met yet.... (awkward?)

The Friday night Olympic Ceremonies drinking game definitely resulted in me waking up at 4am with all my clothes on, on top of the covers, wondering when I went to bed. I <3 you and your DGF.

The Kuh said...

I know this comment is super late, but I was out of town last week for a conference and just dug myself out of a mountain of work and am catching up. And by that I mean, I accomplished one of the gazillion tasks on my to-do list, and not even a very challenging one, and am rewarding myself by catching up on 2b1b.

Anyway, all that to say this. #4 The narrating one's life as if it were reality TV on the john...I thought I was the only one who did that. I am glad I am not alone, even if it is just you and me.

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