2.10.2010

A sardonic blog written by 2 gays and a Jew who thinks she's black. You'd think we'd be more PC.

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Again.

Stuck in my apartment. Watching 5 billion episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker and/or Real Housewives of Orange County and/or basically anything on Bravo. Again.

But! It beats the hell out of hanging out with ghosts all day at the ulcer factory, so don't mind if I do and don't mind if I do. Helena and I had an old school giggly snow sleep over last night (well, old school plus a lot of alcohol and Andy Cohen. Both things that would have enriched my childhood tremendously) and we're going to continue today with more alcohol and a shit ton of Golden Girls. It's like senior year Spring Break all over again!

In other news, Co-Blogger Chris texted me last night to let me know he got an anonymous comment on yesterday's post calling him an unfunny and offensive idiot. Now, I don't want to say I was "excited" to hear this news because that sounds so cruel and heartless...but it was nice to hear that I'm not the only offensively unfunny one around here. So I thought today while I'm enjoying my giggly snow day off, why not bust out a Tulane Chris post and see if we can go 3 for 3, huh?! If you feel offended by today's Tulane Chris post in the slightest, you should totally feel free to let him know. And anonymously! (You're welcome, T. Chris. You, are welcome.)


Say what you will about race, I don’t think it’s fair that white men don’t have a coming-of-age ritual. Jews have bar and bat mitzvahs, Mexican girls have quinceaneras, jungle tribes have terrifying rituals involving poisonous insects. Bantus, Aborigines, Maori, what-have-you, they all get to do something fun to break up the oily monotony of puberty, but I had no such thing. The privileged white male rite of passage is porbably “First Drunken Smash-Up” or ceremonially asking for money for an abortion (I think chivalry demands that the man pay,) but I didn’t start drinking until I lived somewhere where I could usually walk home, and if one of my sexual partners got pregnant the abortion would easily be covered with the proceeds of the Barbara Walters interview. As a Catholic, I could have taken part in Confirmation, but – somehow – the idea of a year of night classes with very earnest and devout teenagers, all leading up to a bishop rubbing even more oil into my forehead than was already present failed to draw me in. Fortunately, this “recession” (none yet dare say “collapse,” but everyone seems to have stopped pretending it will get better) has taken adolescence and given it a good hard yank, so that asking one’s parents for money and sobbing about not knowing what to do with one’s life can now be expected to continue well into one’s thirties. I fully expect to need help paying for my first bifocals. Since I’m clearly not yet an adult, now will I be one for several years, I am probably developmentally at bar mitzvah / quinceanera / bullet ant age, so I decided that I was just going to have a ritual and come of age my own damn self.

I can’t afford a white dress. The only Hebrew sentence I know that isn’t related to ordering food is “Anashim, hen dvarim,” which means “Women are things,” and is probably too short to be a Torah reading. A lot of the tribal things have to do with days of crippling, searing pain, which I didn’t feel like doing. The only affordable, practical option I had was trying to find my spirit animal, so I tried to adapt the procedure to my circumstances. Instead of mescaline, I mashed up two thirds of a Xanax in the bottom of a glass and filled it with “Comrade Blotto” vodka and Diet Coke. Instead of wandering in the desert, I put in a DVD of “Cybill,” and just let it all… wash… over me.

A knock. On the TV, Cybill and Maryanne pointed at the door and nodded. I went to the door nervous, but excited. Was my spirit animal an owl? A Boston terrier? A monkey in a little hat? Oh, I wanted a monkey in a little hat. I would name him General Firecracker, and he would learn to play the accordion, and we would go to Paris on a steamship…

Knock knock knock. Oh, yeah. I opened the door to find a very small old woman in a Bedazzled sweater, stretch pants and white tennis shoes, with a giant purse over one arm. She gave my hand a firm shake and said, “How ya doin’, kid. Chaya Goldfarb, spirit animal.” She walked past me into the apartment, rummaging in her bag. I hoped she would come out with some mystical artifact, but she pulled out a flask and waggled it at me. “Wanna snort?”

“Are you my spirit animal?”

“Yeah, kid. Turns out there ain’t much call for 90-year-old Jewish broads in skin flicks, and I gotta pay the bills somehow.”

“I thought spirit animals were supposed to be coyotes or owls or, uh, little monkeys.”

“Listen, kid. You get the spirit animal that makes sense to you, that your brain is set up to understand. What do you know from coyotes? Bupkes.”

“Oh. Huh. Well, do you have any words of wisdom for me on this, my coming of age?”

“You’ll be twenty-five in two weeks. I got news for ya, kid, you’ve been of age for years. Let me turn on my soap and I’ll see if anything comes to mind.”

So, we sat on the sofa and watched some show with a name like Dangerous Desires. She spent the first half taking nips out of her flask and criticizing the characters – “We didn’t act like that in my day. Sure, everyone slutted around, but we didn’t act so trashy” – and then dozed off. The show ended and I nudged her with my elbow.

“What? Oh, right. Spirit animal. Uh… how about this. We all have many paths before us. If none is the right one, then neither is any one the wrong one.”

“Are you kidding? That’s shitty advice. Should I move back to New Orleans? Should I go to Tasmania? Am I going to make it as a writer? What? Come on!”

“Why not? Do ‘em all, kid. You got another fifteen years. Do what feels right.”

“Fifteen! What do you know?”

“No worries, kid.” She patted my cheek. “Think how much time you’ll save not worrying about your retirement.”

“Not worrying because when I’m thirty-nine I’ll win the lottery, or because when I’m thirty-nine I’ll be eaten by zoo animals?”

But she had gone. Fifteen years. That was humbling. I needed to hurry if I was going to make my great contribution to the world. A great book. One that opened the mysteries of life and let their majesty pour forth… Oh, hot damn! A Designing Women marathon!

86 comments:

Susan said...

it feels weird to be 2b1b-ing all early in the a.m., especially cause i know the rest of you foolz are still asleep.

oh, and good posts this week!

oh, and i would fear for my life if i were anonymous commenter.

oh, and i have an e-crush on nate.

fin.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Ooo0o0oooo0o0o...Susan and Nate, sittin' in a tree...

James said...

Uh, I've been at work since 5:00 am. The only good thing about this is that I read YESTERDAY'S post because i was back home before it was posted. So this is a like a double treat to me.

Meg! The alcohol and Golden Girls are in medicinal doses, I'm sure, right Miss Sickeypants?

James Robert said...

Sorry to disappoint but I thought this post was great.

I wonder what my spirit animal is... he should have put a do not try this at home disclaimer cuz I'm-a-gonna.

Anonymous said...

You are not funny and incredibly offensive. You suck balls.

Anonymous said...

Co-blogger Chris is a grotsky little biotch.

Katelynn said...

so this is totally relevant to about seven posts ago....BUT WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES WITH TWITTER QUESTIONS!! White Guy Explains Black People Twitter

Steph said...

cute! i too have been watching bravo all day because i'm snowed in. how scary is that cougar on millionaire matchmaker?? i feel like she's trying to kill me with her eyes.

ps mister pissy anonymous commenter is a biggity bitch. it's easy to talk shit when you can hide behind your anonymity

Sarah P said...

Offensive? Yes. Also funny.

liz said...

I feel as though the authenticity of the anonymous slander is questionable since you challenged someone to do it. It could in fact be someone just saying to say it, and not feeling it...

Anonymous said...

Offensive... wah, wah.... unfunny... wah.

Seriously, move to Tasmania. Specifically, you should blog back on the levels of toothlessness in the local communities there.

Holly said...

I know this is about a previous post, but I thought of co-blogger Chris when I was laughing my ass off to last night's Twiiter trending topic "#Shooturself"

Then again, shoot yourself if you're such a pussy to write anonymous comments on a blog.

Andrea said...

This whole anonymous commenter thing is so bunk. You guys aren't even offensive. Pointing out truths is not being racist. Jews having bar/bat mitzvahs is not offensive, its just what it is.
As a matter of fact, pointing out that 'jeggings' started in Asian communities and is now a big trend is almost a compliment, if jeggings weren't so damn ridiculous.
You guys are hilarious, don't let the anonymous man get you down.

Anonymous said...

Why do the gays need to be such sassy black women. Everything is just so over dramatic.

Courtney said...

If people don't like the blog...why don't they just NOT read it - Makes sense to me.

You guys are awesome. I can't tell you how many times I have sent your blog to other people.

Anonymous said...

I bet the anonymous blogger is that washed up middle aged comedienne who lost that blog award to you guys!

And... This was the most bizarrely hysterical thing I've read in awhile.

maggie said...

i love every one of the bloggers here. keep it comin'!!

Nate said...

Tulane Chris,

I identify so much with this post. Well, minus the elderly woman spiritual animal, but still...

Ahh, Quarter Life Crises... But wait till you're PAST 25 and still looking. It's every bit as fun as it sounds.

Oh, and Susan, I'm going to just assume that your e-crush is on me, even if you didn't mean me. Either way, let's totally get married. I'm kind of already supposed to marry Meg someday, but from what I've heard, she won't mind sharing. Right, Meg?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Did I write a pro-polygamy post that I don't remember?

Susan said...

look at it this way: if by "book deal" you meant "Lifetime movie script," then you've got yourself a book deal.

ohandumhinate.

Anonymous said...

I am the anonymous commenter from the first time. Not yesterday, I didn't read that one.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings meg! I have a daily ritual of drinking coffee and reading your blog BEFORE I start babysitting my rebel rouser interns. And when that blog goes defunct in conjunction with the coffee maker, it gets ugly. But way to put me on blast! I DO think you are funny, nee hilarious. So alls well that ends well ??? And my name is Norah. I just hate having to log in to leave a comment. I asked you to do DGF Mysocalledlife edition. And I'm not a "meek", just grumpy pre-6am.

sarah said...

anonymous commenter revealed???

btw, commenter... we still think you're a pussy (and by we, i mean i, but i can assume i'm not the only one) for being such a douche, regardless of how early it was.

meg and t. chris... fabulous post :)

Michelle said...

You guys seem to have this misguided idea that being a lazy ass who barely skates by in life is somehow charming. "Hahaha, hey you guys, look at how little work I did! Look how hard I am to motivate! Awww, don't ya just love me?? I'm so lazy that it's hilarious!"
No I don't and no it's not. It's pretty pathetic. I have a hard time believing you could actually hold down a job if you're as lazy as you say, which leads me to believe you embelish for the sake of hilarity... which is so sad. You're either a mediocre person who tries to seem even worse for the sake of a joke (which isn't funny, just lame and depressing for you), or you really are that much of a waste of space. In which case you should stop thinking it's so endearing and realize that you're an asshole.

Margo said...

WOw, Michelle, here's a suggestion: stop reading the blog. I know that's a tough one to wrap your little brain around, but normal people with lives don't go around busting on blogs they don't like. They move on to things they enjoy doing. So, please, by all means: LEAVE.

Eleanor said...

Ok Anonymous... it is a blog. Not your favorite Oprah's book club new edition. No one is making you read this so I suggest that you bugger off and leave us all to enjoy the sardonic, offensive, and hilarious literary stylings of 2birds.

Anonymous said...

I'm a regular poster, but I'm going sneaky anonymous in case Michelle is a nut and tracks me down with my pic.)
Michelle is clearly unemployed and undersexed.
Note the time of her post:

February 11, 2010 10:52 AM

She must be "pathetic" "medicore" and " a waste of space" otherwise she'd be busy doing her job.

kthnks!

Anonymous said...

Wow. Michelle you sound like the BIGGEST tool/meek/loser/curmudgeon I have ever heard. I would be embarrassed to be you. Go find another blog we only like people with a sense of humor here.

eriks said...

i loved this! and I am from Tasmania! whoo!

Ashley said...

eriks from tasmania? you've gone international, meg! go team go!

and these anti-2b1bers are going WILD! did someone open pandora's box 2.0?

jen toppe said...

ok, i have a few things to say. here's the deal. i dont know co blogger chris or tulane chris, but i have known meg since we were in 10th grade. yes, she IS that lazy. and being as lazy as she is, she still got straight a's i high school, got in to American University (not an easy school to get into) and graduated with a degree in graphic design. all while day dreaming of living the simple life of a housecat.

so, while meg is lazy, she also gets shit done. she doesn't sit on her ass, collect unemployment, and smoke weed all day. she gets up 5 days a week and goes to the only job that would hire her during a recession. and she hates it. big surprise there, its not even slightly related to the field she majored in. she started writing this blog to entertain herself and her friends. shes awkward and hilarious and has a way with words, and has been blogging hilariously since we were in high school and she used a livejournal as her canvas. little by little, word spread that she was so hilarious, and the blog started being read by strangers all over the WORLD, not just her closest friends. lazy or no, THAT is something to be proud of. if any of you anonymous commenters, or most specifically, michelle, don't think shes's funny or are annoyed by her success because she's 'just a waste of space" than i suggest you stop reading the blog.

i think insulting someone hidden behind the anonymity of the internet is cowardly and ridiculous. remember, even though to you 'meg mcblogger" is just a name on the internet, to me, she is actually a real live person. with real feelings. who likely is really offended whenever people who don't even know her make such serious judgements about her character. if i were her, comments like the ones you all have left would probably make me cry. thankfully, meg isnt "hyper sensitive" (thank you mr evans) like i am. hopefully, this criticism will only give her more motivation to get the ball rolling for the book deal.

meg, the fact that you have haters on here only means your becoming more widely read. so, kudos to you.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Well Jen, technically I graduated with degreeS in Graphic Design, Communications and Art History with honors, but who's counting? Christ, just think what I'd be capable of if I actually applied myself??

No need to get ourselves in a tizzy, 2b fans. Norah: no big deal. Of anyone who understands grumpy lack of coffee-ness it's me. You just also caught me at a bad moment.

And trust me gang, if I got my panties in a twist every time someone on the Internet didn't like me, I'd probably be swinging from my shower rod by now. Unfortunately I think the Cyber Meek backlash is just what happens when you put your life and your opinions out on the Internet for the world to read. It's just impossible for everyone to get it and like you. And that's fine. As my dear friend Jen said, I write for myself and my friends and if other people decide to read it--great! The more the merrier! If not, that's what that little X in the upper right-hand of your computer screen is for. I won't be offended at all.

So let's let this whole "commenter war" go. It's about as cool as the pair of jean shorts Michelle is inevitably wearing.

Thanks again for everyone's continued support and dedication!

Much love,
Meg

Casey said...

That, good sir, was amazing. A+++

Casey said...

Oh and I left that comment before seeing World War III that erupted in the comments section.

You're great, too, Meg! I look forward to your posts every day while I am ALSO babysitting ghosts at work. And I AM incredibly lazy, and PROUD OF IT (SHUT IT, MICHELLE).

Elizabeth said...

God damnit, haters PISS ME OFF!! Just because you're miserable, PLEASE don't come into our box of hilarity and happiness and ruin it for the rest of us.

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