2.18.2010

Dr. Reuben's Q&A of the Day

You know what they say: If you need a shoe fixed; go to the cobbler. If you need ass-backward answers to your sexual questions; go to Dr. Reuben.

Why do children begin to masturbate so early?

Because their mothers teach them to. Frequently it develops like this:

Marie is in the pediatrician's office. She is worried. Her four-year-old boy, Jimmie, plays with himself. This is how she tells it:

"But doctor, it's the most embarrassing thing in the world. I just can't stand it any longer!"

"What seems to be the trouble with Jimmie?"

"The trouble? Why he does this horrid thing to himself all the time! He takes his...his...his male, you know, and plays with it, right in front of me!"

"How long has he been doing this?"

"For about a year now but it's getting worse! Last week he did it in front of my mother!"

"Perhaps he has some irritation of the penis—that's common in young children."

"Why, I can't imagine how that could happen. I scrub his...his organ very carefully at least twice a day."

"How long have you been doing that?"

"Oh, about a year."

Just in case Jimmie didn't figure it out for himself, his mother showed him that gentle rubbing of his penis feels good. He got the message and started to produce these good feelings himself. But he finds it hard to understand the rest. If he plays with his own penis, his mother gets furious; if she does it, it's okay. Besides there must be something really great about the whole business if mother won't let him do it. The other things she forbids, like candy and staying up late, are a lot of fun, too.

This is the characteristic pattern of masturbation—discovery (or revelation by mother) of pleasant sexual feelings and the start of masturbation—prohibition (usually by mother)—guilt—continued masturbation with added guilt. The same thing happens, of course, with little girls.

------------------------------

Marie and Jimmie, sittin' in a tree. J-E-R-K-I-N-G. This Q&A makes me makes me ungodly uncomfortable for many reasons. I think mostly because I foresee this being a Narwhal situation where I think something is crazy and mind-boggling only to find out that it's common knowledge. And I don't think I could handle living in a world where I'm the weirdo for figuring out out to masturbate on my own without my mom's help. Don't get me wrong; moms are great. They're the best! They teach us how to do all sorts of useful things like tie our shoelaces, ride our bikes and tweeze our eyebrows. Mine, however, sure as Christ didn't teach me how to get off. And I refuse to believe that I'm the exception to the rule. Thus, I conducted a very scientific poll (scientific = asking Co-Blogger Chris and Alex via gchat) and 100% of people surveyed did not learn not masturbate this way and were shocked and horrified that I even asked.

Christopher: why are you asking? is this a dr. reuben hypothesis?
me: of course it is.
Christopher: OF COURSE it is.

Now, I understand that when you bathe someone, you're naturally going to have to have some interaction with the genitals, but how much time are you spending down there, Marie, that your son has moved on from playing with his rubber duckie to having a sexual awakening? Perhaps too much time.

For me, what it all boils down to is this:

"Why, I can't imagine how that could happen. I scrub his...his organ very carefully at least twice a day."

Is it just me or is that a lot of dick scurbbing? Like, I'm all for hygiene and all, but isn't meticulously scrubbing your son's Johnson morning, noon and night a little overkill? And why are you scrubbing his penis at all? Like, of all the verbs to use, scrubbing is just horrifying.

Things I Routinely Scrub:
- Pots
- Pans
- Sinks
- My bathtub (if company is coming over...) (And apparently Helena ≠ company)
- Stains out of sweaters

Things I Do Not Routinely Scrub:
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS
- MY GENITALS

And I feel like that shouldn't make me the weirdo! OR SHOULD IT?! Oh my god, I feel like I'm high on glue. If I get even one email today berating me for not taking a Brillo pad to my how-ya-doin', I am going to renounce society, move to an Indian reservation in Arizona and assume the name Dances With Carringtons.

And speaking of being mind-boggled by quote, "common knowledge," check out this series Q&A's!

What kind of [douche] is best?
[...]Actually they are all about the same; their primary effect depends on washing the sperm out of the vagina. The liquid of choice, with one exception, is just plain water. Cheap, sanitary, harmless, it is as effective as any of the others.

What's the one exception?
Coca-Cola. Long a favorite soft drink, it is, coincidentally, the best douche available. A coke contains carbonic acid which kills the sperm and sugar which explodes the sperm cells. The carbonation forces it into the vagina under pressure and helps penetrate every tine crevice of vaginal lining. It is inexpensive (ten cents per application), universally available, and come sin a disposable applicator.

How is it used?
After intercourse, the woman doesn't even have to get out of bed. She merely reaches over to the table, picks up a bottle of warm Coke, uncaps it, places her thumb over the top, shakes vigorously, and inserts the neck of the bottle into the vagina. A bowl under her hips to catch the overflow helps. Instantly she has an effervescent douche. The six-ounce bottle is just the right size for one application.

------------------------------

WHAT IN THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK?!?1 Coke is the best douche available?! OIFJWOIEJF23R! I just feel...drunk on unbelievableness right now. I have the spins. I could pass out at any moment. If you held a gun to my head and said, "Meg, either shove this coke bottle up your snizz and explode 20oz of warm coke into every crevice of your uterine lining or get shot in the head," I would recommend you tape a trash bag to the wall behind me because you are going to have to pull that trigger, sir. Honestly. Who does this? Who? I mean, I already feel like enough of a cum dumpster when I have to get up to go to the bathroo
m right after having sex anyway, I can't imagine being like, "Welp baby, that was great. Now would you mind passing me the large porcelain bowl and lukewarm coke on the nightstand next to you? I'm just going to quickly shake this up and douche out the exploded sperm cells. I'll try not to get any on you. But don't worry, we can totally cuddle after that."

I just...I can't. My name is Dances With Carringtons and from here on out I am celibate and asexual. Good day.


57 comments:

James said...

At least the sex doesn't give you motion sickness! Which is kind of surprising, actually. I usually experience more movement during sex than I do during a car or metra ride...

Also douches scare me. Let alone Coke douches. I thought vajinkers were supposed to be self-cleaning ovens?!

Heather said...

There may be carbonic acid in a coke, but do you know how much sugar is in one? Yikes, can we say feed the yeasties? Yeah, no. Really bad advice. and the mom thing, ick ick ickity ick.
seriously.

ryan said...

But what if it were a Fresca? WHAT THEN???

Grant said...

I've heard of Coke douching before. But isn't douching now proven to, like, make the little fellas MORE effective by wiping out the vagina's natural inclination to kill them off, or something?

If some girl I just had sex with wanted to douche with anything I would not quite know how to handle it. And by "not quite know how to handle it" I mean "lose my goddamn fucking mind."

Nate said...

I'm not sure what I find more disturbing... His insane answers or the fact that I've actually heard of douching with coke before. Also, the word "douching" seriously just made me simultaneously throw up and shoot myself in the face. A lot. I apologize for using it, everyone.

Anonymous said...

OMG. First, my mom definitely DID NOT teach me how to masturbate and she most certainly did not SCRUB me multiple times per day. Second, I don't even like to drink coke, nevermind shove it up my vajayjay. I feel so shocked and uncomfortable right now I need to leave my office and get some fresh air.

The Realist said...

I just got the spins reading that post. Pardon me while I clean up the coke I threw up on my desk while reading.

kylie said...

I used to teach 7th graders in downtown St. Louis, and as the youngest teacher, I was elected to sit in on their Sexual Health class. During a discussion about birth control methods, one student said she usually just shakes up a Sprite and puts it up her hoohah. Disregarding her use of "usually," I explained why that actually would not be effective. Apparently, I had missed the collateral benefits of soda for genital hygiene. Thank you, Dr. Reuben!

Anonymous said...

i'm not even kidding when i say this, but as much as i love the blog (and i do L-O-V-E it oh so much), when i read the dr. ruben posts i'm outwardly laughing and going "omg no way!" but simultaneously my va-jay-jay is clenching. like hard. it knows wrongness.

laughing uncontrollably while involuntary clenching is the weirdest thing ever to feel

pattypunker said...

i wish i had jimmie's mom's hands cuz apparently i never apply enough pressure.

"Marie and Jimmie, sittin' in a tree. J-E-R-K-I-N-G." too funny!

Alicia said...

OMG...my 9th grade bio teacher once said something about girls in her sorority douching with coke back in like the 70s...i dont know how this came up in class but I was forever scarred. To this day I have never heard of anyone else doing it...

britty said...

i die.

Ohmygoshi said...

WOW. That's all I have to say. Just...wow...

Margo said...

OH MY DEAR SWEET GOD. I can think of nothing worse than shoving a shaken- up coke where the sun don't shine. I mean, who wants a coke tinged yeast infection? Anyone? I would rather be water boarded, and that is not an exaggeration. Where on EARTH did Dr. Reuben get his medical degree?!?!?

Helen said...

I just threw up in my mouth a little...

Dr. Reuben wrote this in 1969, right? Acid. Lots and lots of acid. It's the only logical explanation. The man was out of his TREE - the alternative is too awful to think about. Can you imagine having him as your family doctor? Sending your kids off to see him when they get a sniffle, and then, THEN, finding his book in the local bookstore? Those kids would be bathed in disinfectant and home-doctored for the rest of their lives.

OK, I'll stop - but suspect I will have Dr. Reuben and his diabolical remedies in my head all day now. Thanks?

Hails said...

I don't know if it's just because this is my last day at the office and I'm easily excitable, but that was by far the funniest thing I have read in years and I literally had to keep my hand over my mouth to not laugh outloud.
Surely someone just walked by and saw me shaking and breathing reallly hard through my nose.
Brava!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I thought vajinkers were supposed to be self-cleaning ovens?!
They are!

But what if it were a Fresca? WHAT THEN???
I feel like that would feel much fresher than Coke, no?

If some girl I just had sex with wanted to douche with anything I would not quite know how to handle it.
I'd be offended, I think. It's like, what? Too good to have my sperm all up inside of you? Bitch.

During a discussion about birth control methods, one student said she usually just shakes up a Sprite and puts it up her hoohah.
WTF?!?!!?1 And Nate had heard of it? To the reservation I go.

laughing uncontrollably while involuntary clenching is the weirdest thing ever to feel
It's like kegels.

Cassie said...

Maybe it's because I grew up in the kind of religious family where everyone is terrified of genitalia, but I don't think my mother's been down there since I was potty trained. I have no memory of ever being 'scrubbed' in the hoo-hah and she certainly did not teach me how to masturbate.

I have, however, heard of coke-douching. And it makes me want to die. Plus side, though: it might be nice for your parter should s/he decide to go downstairs with his/her mouth. Although, actually, I dunno. I don't know how coke-tinged vajayjay would taste.

Jules said...

These Q&As simultaneously make me laugh and give me the heebie jeebies. What a strange feeling.

Stuart said...

1) Never had my wang scrubbed by my mom that I can remember. And to the point of being pleasurable? I'm pretty sure there's laws for that

2) I can confirm the Sprite thing. My elderly sunday school teacher (yes, as in CHURCH) in jr. high told us that back in the 40's and through the 50's shaking up a Sprite up and sticking it into your va-jay-jay was all the rage. Sprite is probably my least favorite soda now. Praise Jesus!

liz said...

we have a narwhale situation here...i've never heard of the term cum dumpster and i feel like my life is now better that I know this term

bookwanderer said...

HOLY SHIT. I refuse to believe this is real. I have never heard of this in my life (and kind of regret ever learning it). Dr. Reuben is a total sociopath.

All I could think of when I reading this was the episode of Dexter when Miguel Prado's brother is torturing a guy by shaking up a soda and spraying it into his nose, and then imagining that, in my vajayjay.

(Long-time reader, first-time commenter. Because OMG, how can I not comment on COCA-COLA DOUCHE??)

Katy said...

God the 60/70s whenever Dr. Reuben lived (I'm not ENTIRELY convinced he isn't from about 1850 because this sounds totally like the voice of someone who agrees with "surgery" such as bloodletting) was a fucked up time. But because I live in such a beautiful, coke-douche free world, I simply laughed my ASS of reading this. Really though, people are staring.

Sarah said...

OMG. Hilarious. I agree with anyone who read this at work and had to silence their laughter. My little brother was actually caught playing with himself at age 4:

When asked what he was doing: "Playin' with my penie..."

When asked why: "Cause it FEELS GOOD..."

I'm sure he learned this on his OWN, and I don't think there was any "scrubbing" involved in his, um, self-discovery...

Anonymous said...

According to Wikipedia, Dr. Reuben is STILL alive!! Which means, can we PUH-LEASE have a present-day Q&A with him?? There's so much that has happened in sex in the last 40 years...I need more guidance!!

Maggie said...

i dont know about you all, but i feel like the word "douche" in itself is a warning. if you have to cringe while uttering it out loud, you probably shouldn't put it anywhere near your hoo ha.

James said...

Cassie, that sounds awful, and I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Thanks for that!

:P

sarah said...

wait... coke douche? not even the also popular (and conveniently non-sheet-staining) sprite douche, but COKE DOUCHE?! good lord.

Angie said...

Every time I read more from Dr. Reuben I wish more and more that him and Judy Blume would co-write a book together.

Anonymous said...

To suggest a Coke douche is one thing (one very disturbing thing), but to suggest that you do it while laying there on the bed right after sex...OMG...WTF?

Anonymous said...

On that note, I am going to drink heavily

Meredith Travels said...

Jack and coke anyone?

Anonymous said...

wow, these Dr. Reuben Q&A's just keep getting better and better...

Hassenblog said...

Jeeze Meg...immediately after I read this post, NO JOKE I received an email from my boss asking the team to provide feedback on Coke's "Live Positively" campaign as opposed to Pepsi's "Refresh Everything"...

Anonymous said...

I checked out today's entry while in a quiet computer lab with around 9-10 other people. I think they all think I'm a giant dick based on how inappropriately loudly I've been laughing.

S.Rod said...

Sooo it wasn't until I started reading the comments that I found myself in my very own narwhal situation. OK, I remember being in middle school and hearing someone say something about using Sprite after sex to avoid pregnancy. Being the sheltered little girl I was, all I could think was, "Uhhh...drinking a Sprite won't do anything. That's not how that plumbing works!" And now, here we are, and it seems EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD knew what the Sprite was used for (I really can't bring myself to type the d-word. It causes involuntary dry heaves.)and didn't tell me! So conclusions:

1. I totally ask Meg to forgive me for crying at my desk from laughter the day I read the narwhal post. You just didn't know! Just like I didn't know Sprite was...nevermind. Just nevermind. But if you think about it, if you look at a picture of a narwhal and compare it with the idea of the Sprite situation described here, THEY SEEM EQUALLY UNLIKELY.

2. Thank the GOOD LORD I came of age during a time where the morning-after method didn't involve a refreshing lemon-lime soft drink I might never look at again.

Sarah P said...

What kind of fucking pervert June Cleaver washes her son's cock twice a day?!
My kids are lucky if I wash their faces twice a day. And baths?! Psshhaw.

Brittan said...

that is literally THE most awkward thing i have ever read. THE with a long E.

Mel said...

I'm not sure what's more continually disturbing about Dr. Reuben: is it the images his Q&A conjures, or the fact that this was a best seller? Wrap your mind around that! People actually fucking read this shit, en masse, and trusted it because he's a "doctor" (I'm still not convinced he didn't actually receive his training at the Tijuana School of Medicine and Crazy Misinformation.)

I wonder if there was a spike in Coke sales the year the book came out? Hmm.

Linda said...

I'm sitting here at work doing that silent-shake-laugh thing. Holy Jesus, who recommends douching with a Coke?! More importantly, did anyone in the 60s actually follow crazypants' advice?

Rosalyn said...

After reading the post, I'm pretty much certain I'll never be able to drink soda again. At least not without some heavy psychological seanvote that will need to be dealt with later on in life.

Lacy said...

I'm cleaning half-chewed Chex cereal from my laptop screen right now. I laughed out loud. I didn't just LOL in the cyber sense.... I laughed out loud so much that milk came out of my nose. Amazing. God Bless Dr. Rueben and whoever gave you that book.

Note to self: Do not eat while reading 2b1b. Laptops don't like half digested food stuck in between the keys.

Laurie said...

I feel so uniformed that I've never heard of the coke or sprite method. That was never taught in MY sex ed class! Amazing.

Melanie said...

What if, instead of you moving to Arizona, we just sent Dr. Reuben there instead?

Anonymous said...

Apparently, Dr. Reuben updated the book in 1999. It would be interesting to see what he had to say then.

Elizabeth said...

The image of some girl "conveniently" putting a bowl under her hips, vigorously shaking a soda bottle and going to town makes me laugh so hard it hurts. Can you imagine the guy's face when this all goes down?? PRICELESS.

Hi Chris.

TinyDancer said...

Dont worry Meg - I dont 'scrub' my cha-cha either. No Narwal situation here. Apparently, everyone was rather chaffed in 1969.

Laura said...

Oh. My. God. This book just gets stranger and stranger. It's like the gift that keeps on giving.

pook555 said...

OMG, I could not stop laughing at this. How could this man's crazy (and homophobic) ramblings be 1. A bestseller and 2. Be considered the writings of a professional psychiatrist???? And the coke douche - why??????? Just why???? And 7th graders know about this.....it's too much!! Icky, icky, and LOL!!

Hawleywood said...

So you're saying you DON'T scrub your vag with a Brillo pad? What kind of f-ed up childhood did you have? I mean, my mom taught me to scrub my snizz every chance I got, and that's how I learned to masturbate. I thought everyone's mom did that? No? Just me? Mmmmkay.

cait said...

Yo, did anyone read American Psycho? There's a scene toward the end involving cheese, a snake, and a vagina, and I'm pretty sure Dr. Reuben was either the story's inspiration or its greatest pupil. Someone take that fucker's license away, stat.

Anonymous said...

Once again Dr. Rueben you outdo yourself... I just peed a little bit and Im not ashamed to admit it.

Chase said...

Dr. Reuben Q&A posts are the best! I laugh out loud EVERY time!

Brian said...

...Do the Dew!!!

Anonymous said...

Re: Coca-cola douches

Found: an article in BMJ on the subject from 2008. I repeat: 2008.

Feature
Christmas [CHRISTMAS] 2008: Food and Drink [FOOD AND DRINK] (!)
Coca-Cola douches and conrtaception
BMJ 2008; 337 doi: 10.1136/bmj.a2873 (Published 17 December 2008)

see: http://www.bmj.com/content/337/bmj.a2873.full

[In the year 2008]: "Deborah Anderson explains why women really shouldn’t rely on Coca-Cola for family planning"

Her "scientific" rationale:

1. "Coca-Cola is not a strong spermicide"

"In our study we mixed Coca-Cola with human semen (5:1 ratio) and reported that sperm were immobilized within one minute. A subsequent toxicology study found that Coca-Cola has only a weak spermicidal effect."

2. "Sperm can out race Coca-Cola"
3. Coca-Cola and the vaginal epithelium

ew.

4. Unknown teratogenic potential

"The Coca-Cola formula is a well guarded secret...Because of the secrecy, it has not been possible for scientists to conduct a systematic study of potential teratogenic effects of the ingredients."

5.User failure

"Implementation of the Coca-Cola douche requires dexterity and skill and might be unreliable, especially when practiced in the dark. A BMJ article cautioned that misplaced bottle caps can cause serious medical problems."

Is it just me, or does this sound suspiciously like Dr. Reuben himself?

6. Better methods are available

duh.

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