2.17.2010

Ruminations on why I'm a shitty person

I've had a rough start to old oh-10. What with, oh, you know, the infectious diarrhea, vicious head cold and endless work drama crushing my soul on a daily basis. And that's just scratching the surface! That's just the stuff I talk about on the blog! (Notice I chose not to put "infectious diarrhea" on the un-bloggable list. Unique decisions. Unique decisions all around.) Recently I was thinking about karma and how good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This gots me a-thinkin'...am I a bad person? So I sat myself down and really thought about who I am, what I stand for and what kind of character I have. And here's what I decided: I am a shitty person.

I mean, I don't think I'm evil or anything. I've never killed anyone and I gave a buck to the homeless guy outside CVS the other day, but I think I just sort of, for lack of a better word, suck a little bit. And here's why.

Reasons Why I'm a Shitty Person

- I find it genuinely disappointing when an addict on Intervention says they'll go to treatment after listening to just one person's letter.
Those people have to be the biggest quitters in the entire world, am I right?? I mean, put up a fight! How "addicted" can you really be if you're willing to roll over and sob your way to treatment that easily? Your entire family wrote you a letter! Aren't you at least curious to hear what everyone else has to say? I feel like if I had an intervention, the ace in the hole to get me to go to treatment would be my dad. I've never seen that man shed AN single tear in my entire life so if he were to cry and ask me to go anywhere—whether it be to treatment or clown college—I'd do it. That being said, I still think I'd feign disinterest just so I could see what everyone else has to say for themselves, and then agree to go. Just for funsies. Maybe pit people's letters against each other. See which of my friends and family can write a truly compelling letter. I just think it would be interesting. Plus, I hate it when you know someone's grandma is going to have like a really fucking heart breaking letter but the slutty cousin or something goes first and is all, "HEATHER. -Sniff, sniff- You never want to go to the gym with me any more because you're always tired!" and the meth head is like "OH MY GOD! I'LL GO! I'M SO SORRY!!!!!!1" Because you know grandma's letter was going to be so much better than that and now we'll never know what it said. Interventions like that ruin my entire week. God, addiction really is a selfish disease...

- I would rather be flayed alive than join the Peace Corps.
Please don't get me wrong; I respect the Peace Corps and anybody who is or wants to be a member. That being said, I know myself, I know my limitations and I know that I would not be capable of doing it. And that fact consistently makes me feel like a horrible human being. Do you know how many people I know who have either done Peace Corps or aspire to join? Everyone. Every single person I know. Fun fact: American University breeds the most graduates who go on to do Peace Corps than any other college or university in the United States. Bonus fun fact: I used my gopher grabber, or "pokin' stick" as I called it, so much it broke within two weeks of getting it. I am not Peace Corps material. And it's not just because I'm lazy and materialistic (although I am) it's also because I wouldn't be able to mentally handle that level of isolation for two years. I'm not agoraphobic, per se. I can be in a big, open meadow and be like, "Well this is pleasant," but I need to be close to civilization and people on a daily basis. It's why I like living in densely populated cities and want to for the rest of my life. Even DC is slightly too suburban for my liking. Although I'm not really a fan of people in general, I find it extremely comforting knowing that they're close by. I don't mind being alone, but geographical isolation makes me incredibly anxious. My family went to Hawaii for vacation during my sophomore year of college and that "vacation" was basically a week long panic attack for me. I'm not kidding. I thought Becca was going to kill me. I could not stop myself from constantly thinking about how we were on a tiny island surrounded by miles and miles and miles of open water and nothingness. It was nauseating. To this day, I have nightmares about flying to Hawaii. How fucked up is that? It's a tropical paradise! (So basically note to my future husband: we won't be going to Fiji on our honeymoon; we'll be going to Century 21 on a Saturday. Great. Look forward to a lifetime with this.) A few weeks ago I was catching up with my freshman year roommate, Rachel, who recently got back from doing the Peace Corps in Micronesia. She told me that she could run around her entire island in under eight minutes and she was a 24-hour boat ride away from the main island where the nearest phone was. AZUHWOEIF?! A 24-hour boat ride?! Just the thought of that is enough to make me want to eat a cereal bowl full of Klonopin. I can't imagine actually doing it. For two years! And I know that you're there to help people and there are less remote areas you can volunteer in, but...still. I couldn't handle it. At least I'm honest about my own personal shittiness. That's got to be worth something...right?

- I hate amusement parks.
I hate this about myself. And I hate the look people give me when I tell them about it. It's almost on par with the judgemental death glares I get when I tell people that I don't like Lost. Almost. What kind of an asshole hates a park specifically designed to provide amusement? This asshole. Because there's nothing amusing about amusement parks. And here's why: it's always the hottest day of the year when you go, no matter what month or season it is; they're crowded, uncivilized, full of lines and children and food that makes you nauseous; everything is sticky and covered in a thin layer of jam and don't even get me started about the rides! I hate rides. Mostly because of how motion sick they me. Although what doesn't make me motion sick? I am the most easily motion sick person you will ever meet and it's such a pain in my ass. Everything makes me queasy: cars, the metro, trains, boats, bicycles, trampolines...it sucks. Therefore going to a hot, crowded park full of rickety rides made to hurl you through the air and make you puke is my hell on earth. I just...I can't. The concept is emotionally draining to think about. And when I tell this to people, you'd think I just said that I eat dead babies every Christmas morning. First I get a look of shock, then that shock melts into judgement and finally ends in hate. Then everyone always says the same thing: "Are you kidding?! I love amusement parks." Well. Cool. I love my mom. I love Dynasty. I love brunch. We all love different things. It's not like I'm not physically capable of loving; I just don't love amusement parks. So keep your torches and pitchforks to yourself.

- I have no time for children.
Oh my god; I know. They're magical and tender and our future and we should treat them well and let them lead the way, but I just can't. Little kids legitimately creep me out. They're like real people...but smaller...and irritating...and they ask a lot of questions and talk it whiny voices. I feel like my disdain for little kids is a result of my very limited interaction with them. I'm the youngest in my family and was also one of the youngest in my neighborhood, so there was never any reason to be around little kids growing up. And when I am around kids, for some reason they're always the most annoying children that god has to offer. Case and point: Annie. Annie was this heinous little 8-year-old girl who went to the sports camp that Talia worked at during summers breaks from college. She had stringy hair was just so ungodly unpleasant and rude. Whenever Co-Blogger Chris came for a visit, we'd go visit Talia at work during the day (mostly because we became addicted to the arcade game Time Crisis III and Talia always gave us free tokens and snacks. It was awesome.) Annie was such an asshole to me and Chris. She hated us and was not afraid to let us know. In a letter she later wrote to Talia, she called Chris a "rhinoceros who likes everything he sees" and me a, "black-haired looser who likes something that starts with a C." When she later called me this again, Chris and I exchanged awkward glances as we both thought, "how does she know that word...?" until she cleared up that the thing I like that starts with a C is actually Chris. Yes. I like Chris. I want you to slip me a big, fat Chris late at night. You little perv. BUT! It remains that she called me a "black haired looser." Not a black haired loser, mind you, a black haired looser. First of all, fuck you, you can't even spell. Second, it's called a comb: ever heard of it? Third, what did we ever do to you?! Take your tokens? Well chill the fuck out, there's more where they came from. And finally, what sort of child of the corn writes hate letters at 8-years-old?? And these are all things that I told her to her face until Talia took me aside and explained that she's 8-years-old and I was 21 at the time and perhaps I should calm down a bit before she got fired. Point taken, point taken. But whenever I have to interact with little kids, it's always a little beast like Annie and I just can't. And I know everyone thinks their kid is the cutest and most well behaved child in the entire world, but until you can concretely prove to me that your kid isn't at camp calling strangers slutty rhinoceroses and loosers, I don't want to hear it.

- I think the guy in my office building in a wheelchair is an asshole.
I'm not really going to expound on this much more besides saying that I don't think he's an asshole because he's in a wheelchair, I think he's an asshole who happens to be in a wheelchair. Every time he's rude to me, I call him an asshole in my head and then immediately feel fucking horrible because he's handicapped and I'm walking around all fat and cocky on my own two legs. God damnit.

So there it is. I'm a shitty human being. And the worst part is, despite being more than aware of all of the above, I don't see any of it ever changing. So bring on the infectious diarrhea...

66 comments:

Talia said...

you are not a shitty person, you are absolutely fabulous.

those kids were soo annoying, i literally used to kick them and put them in trash cans when I was hungover, i have proof.

Anonymous said...

Don't you mean you're a seanvotey person?

Sean said...

If hating assholes in wheelchairs makes you a seanvotey person, welcome to the club. We have hats.

Seriously though, I know a girl who is SUCH A BITCH but I can't tell her to fuck herself because she's in a goddamn wheelchair and it's really starting to piss me off.

Katie said...

Dude. I TOTALLY know what you mean by the Peace Corps thing. My boyfriend's brother is currently studying abroad in BOTSWANA, in a home where there is no plumbing. Going OUTSIDE to PEE in the middle of the night in a country where there are LIONS and ELEPHANTS running amok!? I don't think so.

The Realist said...

If those things make you a shitty person, then that makes two of us.

Double dose--I'm an aerobics instructor and personal trainer and on the biggest loser, I'm ALWAYS disappointed when someone weighs less than 250 pounds starting out...because the before and after pictures aren't as shocking.

Sarah M said...

Ditto to all of that. Kids don't creep me out so much (except the fact that they always have freaking sticky hands makes me nauseous, but your reasoning for not going to Peace Corps is the exact convo I have to all the hipsters I meet that are considering their applications before the real world.

And I think everyone knows an asshole who happens to be in a wheelchair. I know I do.

Elliot said...

Every time you do one of your "these are the reasons why I'm a bad person" posts I actually end up liking you a lot more. Maybe that says something about me...

Ashley said...

haha...definitely Seanvotey! jk

If those few things make you "shitty" then most of us are.

Courtney said...

Are you and co-blogger Chris going to procreate and make a loose rhinoceros?

Don't worry about the wheelchair guy. I cursed a blind person in my building the other day before realizing she was blind. And now I see her everywhere. But she doesn;t even know.

Irony.

Guilt.

Drink it off.

Such is life.

Casey said...

"I find it genuinely disappointing when an addict on Intervention says they'll go to treatment after listening to just one person's letter."

....How about the fact that I get actually ANGRY when an episode of Intervention features an alocholic? I'm all, "Oh whatever, who cares! I want to see a heroin needle! If I want to see someone chug a bottle of vodka and get blackout, I'll just film myself this weekend!"

That's kind of a shitty person way to think, no?

Hails said...

I love this. I love you (both). except sorry, I love amusement parks. Mainly because I can people watch and judge horrible outfits.

ok I guess I'm still an asshole.

Anonymous said...

First of all, you are not a shitty person. you are AMAZING. you give us the best most awesome blog experience ever, every single week day. But if people think you are a shitty person, then gosh, I must be a shitty person too because i completely agree with everything you said (except the part about amusement parks). I especially agree with the child part and people always have the most shocked reaction because they cant understand how I can have a vagina and dislike children.

don't feel bad if 2010 is giving you a run for your money. 2009 gave me the worst year ever and now everything is just fine and dandy. it will get better, especially once someone gives you a book deal.

Lauren Ashley said...

I hate amusement parks too. They are foul.

Stephanie said...

I HATE AMUSEMENT PARKS TOO!!!!!!!!!!! omg. You are seriously the first other person I've ever heard admit that they hate roller coasters. (Technically you said "rides" but I'm going to get more specific here...) And you are NOT kidding - people really do look at you like you just said you don't think Hitler was really such a bad guy. & that you regularly trip old people for fun. And it's just so damn bizarre to me. Because really. wtf. You could say that you don't like live concerts and people would be all "yeah they're loud, aren't cd's great?" and you could say that you don't care for any organized sports and someone would invite you to a coffee shop, but the second you drop "I don't like roller coasters" it's like you are the leper of fun. And you know what's really the worst part? People REFUSE TO BELIEVE YOU. #$^W^#$&#@!% I just don't undestand why it's so hard to believe that someone might not enjoy being strapped into a rickety cart and sent hurtling through time, space, and loop-the-loops unknown in the natural world.

Anonymous said...

I think we are twins separated at birth

Anonymous said...

I had a camper named Annie who was also an asshole. At 10 she considered herself a tortured artist and rebel punk because she listened to good charlotte. She openly judged my outfits on a daily basis. bitch.

Anonymous said...

"First of all, fuck you, you can't even spell. Second, it's called a comb: ever heard of it? Third, what did we ever do to you?! Take your tokens? Well chill the fuck out, there's more where they came from. And finally, what sort of child of the corn writes hate letters at 8-years-old??"
- has to be one of the funniest things you've posted.

I literally laughed out loud this whole post. Yay Meg!

Cadillac Don said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

ditto to Elliot. everytime you expound all your "shitty" qualities i just want to be biffles with you even more…creepy? probs. does this mean i'm a shitty person? …maybe. however:

i, too, have zero patience for children. i've already decided that for my adopted child(ren)—cuz the thought of me being pregnant makes me want to sew my cooch shut—i'm going to assign at least one nanny. this way they can have a professionally monitored childhood and i don't have to deal with them.

added to the intervention disappointments, the one time i watched Teen Mom i got angry because they were not quite as destitute as i was hoping they would be…and then i kicked myself

Anonymous said...

where does the line form to marry you?

at least you're honest about being a shitty person, which like you said should count for something. I'm no mathematician, but im gonna guess that something is a few more bouts of diarrehea

Maria said...

I just applied for an internship in Hawaii thinking it will be a wonderful paradise and bikini-filled life. now I'm not so sure because I have the same conundrum concerning cities. I need to be surrounded by people at all times despite the fact that I really hate them. damnit.

Anonymous said...

I would cut off my right arm to be your friend. Not. Even. Kidding. Why do I not know anyone as great as you? Thanks for making my days so much better and causing me to have standards for my friends which will never be reached.

Courtney said...

I agree on the amusement park nonsense. I get motion sick on a swing. Paying money to torture myself all day is not my idea of “amusement”.

In addition, I love that I have to control myself from laughing out loud several times throughout reading your blog so that my co-workers can’t tell that I’m reading it in my cubicle. Kudos.

chhayanat said...

hey come on! It doesn't make you shitty because you seem to "mildly dislike" certain things which deserve to be hated. And thank god you haven't been on crowded public buses in India where school kids with heavy boots keep trodding your feet for aeons and you can't tell them off because their mothers will glare at you for being a heartless kid-hater bitch.

BTW your blog is the one thing what keeps me going through the drudgeries of grad school.

Cheers!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Don't you mean you're a seanvotey person?
UGH. Damnit. Good call.

Seriously though, I know a girl who is SUCH A BITCH but I can't tell her to fuck herself because she's in a goddamn wheelchair and it's really starting to piss me off.
Awkward, right?

I'm ALWAYS disappointed when someone weighs less than 250 pounds starting out...because the before and after pictures aren't as shocking.
Hah!

Every time you do one of your "these are the reasons why I'm a bad person" posts I actually end up liking you a lot more. Maybe that says something about me...
Elliot, we are assholes.

Are you and co-blogger Chris going to procreate and make a loose rhinoceros?
YEP! Chris and I actually muse about the monstrosity of a human we would create if we procreated more than is normal, actually...

....How about the fact that I get actually ANGRY when an episode of Intervention features an alocholic?
RIGHT?! If it's not meth or heroin, I am just not interested.

First of all, you are not a shitty person. you are AMAZING. you give us the best most awesome blog experience ever, every single week day.
BLESS YOUR HEART! And Hails, you are not an asshole. Obv.

I think we are twins separated at birth
Do you have an oddly long torso too??

I literally laughed out loud this whole post. Yay Meg!
<3

the one time i watched Teen Mom i got angry because they were not quite as destitute as i was hoping they would be…and then i kicked myself
HAHA!

where does the line form to marry you?
I think you are the line. God bless!

I just applied for an internship in Hawaii thinking it will be a wonderful paradise and bikini-filled life. now I'm not so sure because I have the same conundrum concerning cities. I need to be surrounded by people at all times despite the fact that I really hate them. damnit.
Oooo...sorry about that! I'm sure it will be...wonderful!

I would cut off my right arm to be your friend. Not. Even. Kidding. Why do I not know anyone as great as you? Thanks for making my days so much better and causing me to have standards for my friends which will never be reached.
Jesus Christ. That's like the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me in my entire life. Thank you!

I get motion sick on a swing.
Yes! Swings! And water slides!

Emily said...

hi megs,
at least you have lots of twinsies. count me in on account of the children and roller coasters. ick.

Leigh said...

I tend to vote on the outcomes of "Intervention" during the musical segue from the intervention itself to the plane to the rehab. Are they going to stay sober? Relapse? DIE? I have to tell you, that this week I was betting on Kristine kickin' it by the final credits. WRONG. And while I'm happy that she's sober and, well, alive, a little part of me is sad that I called it wrong. So there you go, I'm a shitty person too.

Sarah P said...

Amusement parks suck.

Children suck, too. Not mine. Other people's.

My mother tried to tell me I should substitute teach twice a month because - wow, did you know - you could make an extra $180 a month?!

Really, Mom?! That's how much you think it would cost to get me to sit through 24 days a year of my own personal hell? That's almost an entire month.

Fuck kids. And the roller coaster they puked on.

Suzanne said...

Dude, I don't like children either. I mean I like babies when they're not crying on the plane/metro because they're just cute and don't do anything, but once they start to talk I just can't stand them. Have you ever played the game "Two Truths and a Lie" where you say three statements about yourself, one of which being a lie, and everyone has to guess what the lie is? We played it as an ice breaker my first day at work and I said, "I have an older sister, I can solve a rubics cube, and I don't like children." Everyone was so sure they knew the answer until I told them that I actually don't know how to solve a rubics cube. I've never felt such hate.

KellyAOsborne said...

-Meg! I dislike children too! I get really uncomfortable around them and most of the time when I'm around one, I just to hang them upside down from their ankles and see if any change falls put of their pockets. If not, well then a little game of spin you around while upside down usually ensues, just for funsies!

Also, I don't care to have my own hellions. So I'm always like 'yea, i'll just adopt an 18 yr old so I don't have to deal with their adolescent-teen years.. BUT.. I don't want to pay for college.. so I'll adopt a 22 yr old instead.' ..and then I realize that's not possible. Oh well, can't win all the battles.. lools like there's no chillens in my future!

Brittany said...

I remember when I was a hostess at Outback, and there were these little kids running around. Well one of my duties as a hostess was to open the door for whoever was entering and exiting the restaurant. So every time the little kids wanted to go outside or come inside, I would open the door. IT'S MY FUCKING JOB. And these little kids did this for twenty minutes straight. No fuckin' lie.

Then their parents finally noticed they were gone, came up to me and said, "You are such a retard," I proceeded to go the bathroom and cry.

The second time, also as a hostess at Outback, this little kid was unraveling all the silverware at this big round table. I stared at him, then pull one of the bundles away from him, and said, "Honey! Don't touch this, you'll cut yourself and die!" in the most serious tone I've ever used in my non-serious life. His dad saw this and laughed, then came over and asked, "Are you our new babysitter?"

I responded, "Only if you want me to stick your baby in a cage," Then went back to the hostess stand with him just making an uncomfortable laugh.

Kids sometimes make me want to hurt them.

Jennifer said...

I hate LOST too. Bingo, bongo!

Patrick said...

Replace the wheelchair with old people and you have my reason for being a shitty person. I'm not quiet about it, though, and I will immediately tell an old person to stop being a douche bag.

I don't care how old you are. If you're an asshole now, that probably means you were an asshole when you were my age. Just because you're 118 doesn't give you the right to treat everyone around you like they're sacks of horse shit.

Sorry. Rant over.

Angie said...

Guh, kids. I can't deal with kids that I'm not directly related to. I'm lucky enough to have considerate family members who recognize that kids can be obnoxious and will actually do something about it when they are being obnoxious. Even still I feel awkward. What do you say to them? I can never understand what they say. Guh. Love babies though.

Hanna said...

I feel your pain sista: My roommate and I openly laugh at the Intervention. Especially the ones with alcoholics (little do we know that "wet brain" might be looming in our futures).

I went on a trip to Disney World for my best friend's sweet 16 when I was a sophomore in high school and I sat out on the majority of the rides because they could potentially give me a "migraine"

and I was a camp counselor the summer between my freshmen and sophomore year of college and I know exactly the breed of this "Annie" you speak of: stringy sloppy hair, sweat pants wearing smelly little pre-pubescent girls. Horrible.

Laura said...

I'm in college...I have a Reacher...I use it more than I probably should. Sometimes I want a Reacher to reach my Reacher. Nice to see I'm not alone!

Tiffany said...

You are not a shitty person. You are THE SHIT. Your posts are proof of that.

And I can tolerate some kids for short periods of time but it's most preteens and teenagers these days that need to be dropkicked.

KC Neal said...

Even elevators and swings make me motion sick! I practically need to take some Dramamine before I bend over to tie my shoes.

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Three things:

1) I hate LOST too, but I have seen every single episode because it's the only television show my husband will watch with me and I don't want to jinx it. I've started chugging whenever there's a reaction shot (half of that damn show is a reaction shot) so it's getting more bearable.

2) I'm not such a huge fan of kids either, but I just know that mine will be awesome (or I'll send them away with 20 bucks and a can of Hormel chili).

3) You would actually be a bad person if you DIDN'T think the guy was an asshole just BECAUSE he's in a wheelchair. You're doing him a service by treating him like every other asshole on the street - he would be insulted if he thought he was getting special handling because of his situation.

jen toppe said...

ok so first of all, i read this comment:

"Double dose--I'm an aerobics instructor and personal trainer and on the biggest loser..."

and i read it wrong and thought she was saying she was a personal trainer ON the biggest loser and i got so excited you had a famous follower i almost peed. then i realized my mistake.

i dont HATE amusement parks, but i should. i hate waiting in lines, hate funnel cake, and HATE roller coasters. the only amusement park i actually like is disney world.

and people who judge us roller coaster haters... i judge people who like them. who wants to be hurled through the air strapped in a seat at speeds of 100 mph?? crazy mother fuckers, thats who.

and ps - i feel lucky to be one of your friends and not having to cut off my arm for the title. i think anonymous deserves an honorary friendship bracelet.

Anonymous said...

While watching pairs figure skating I sort of really hope that someone gets kicked in the face with a skate blade. Where do I collect my shitty person t-shirt?

Anonymous said...

So glad to see there are other roller-coaster/amusement park haters out there besides me!

Related to the wheelchair/old person hating, I harbor a searing hatred for old people who drive...have you ever seen an old person who doesn't drive at least 10 mph under the speed limit or who brakes and slows down at green lights? After I curse and rant at these people, I immediately feel like a bad person...cause they're old.

Anonymous said...

The only thing amusement parks are good for is mullet hunting. And dear lord there are plenty of mullets to go around there.

mika said...

all your reasons for being a shitty person: they are mine exactly.

it would explain why i was rejected from the universities i applied to, can't get hired, have no friends and am having mad cramps right now.

we're just two peas in a pod i reckon.

mrs. darling said...

i cannot stop laughing at this post. I HATE AMUSEMENT PARKS TOO! can't stand most kids, hate lost...and oh man, i have to confess. after college i was a missionary in freaking west africa. and i'm pretty sure this makes me a shitty person because i HATED it. plus i cussed. i was a MISSIONARY who CUSSED. (pretty much EVIL in missionary land.) i went on a secret vacation with my secret boyfriend (the LIES!). i hated how dirty africa was, how POOR everyone was, how people used to take a DUMP IN MY DRIVEWAY and i would have to walk AROUND their TURDS. but dang it if i wasn't good at my job, cussing and hatred for the city aside.

so, i don't think you are a shitty person. sounds about normal to me.

Anonymous said...

I am JUST as freaked out by little kids.
The other day in Starbucks one was crying and I had to leave.
My roommates all think its funny. But kids are little creeps.

Anonymous said...

I got mad today at the probably-mentally handicapped man who was on Cash Cab. Not because he got stuff wrong (although, COME ON. Small guitar named for something Hawaiian? Really? The obtuse Staten Island chicks could have gotten that), but because he made me feel awkward watching a mentally handicapped man lose on Cash Cab. And I don't want to feel awkward when I'm already at my parents' home, unemployed, and watching a Cash Cab marathon on a Wednesday.

In other words, the 6th level of Hell won't be lonely.

Cassie H. said...

I happen to think that little kids falling and eating shit is THE funniest thing in the world. In fact my friend Danny an I created an imaginary show called "When Little Kids Eat Shit". No lie. We even set it up with teasers like "next week on when little kids each shit, see what happens when an an angry bum throws sticks at kids roller blading, big daddy style...." or something equally as lame.

This has been going on for do many years I actually find myself hoping a kid will eat it if I happen to see them doing something that could potentially end in a fall.

To make it even better, I am now a teacher. So it happens often. Dude, that's shitty. Who wishes for a kid to eat shit?! This guy.

Anonymous said...

Hope some Hagman news cheers your shitty soul http://property.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/property/overseas/article7025040.ece

Alice said...

I'm really upset that I missed a Cash Cab marathon.

But kudos for giving the homeless guy a dollar. In these fiscally diffcult times, I stalk pennies on the ground like it's my hobby.

vKAYb said...

But little kids are so hilariously honest! For example, a conversation with my 4-yr-old niece:
"What are those spots on your face?"
"Freckles."
"Why don't you wash them off?"
"Freckles aren't dirt. You can't just wash them off."
"Well......did you try soap?"
AMAZING.

Bailey @ peppermintbliss said...

Own it woman. My fiance hates amusement parks too and your explanation just made me resent him less for it. So ta-da! You're saving relationships today! Not a shitty person!

Anonymous said...

FINALLY. someone else who doesn't jizz at the mere mention of LOST. bless your heart xoxo

Anonymous said...

"I’m lazy. But it’s the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn’t like walking or carrying things."

Lech Walesa
Polish labor leader, politician, & reformer (1943 - )

OWN your laziness!!

J said...

I too hate amusement parks, and DO NOT even get me started on LOST. WTF is a smoke monster? Time traveling? Get a grip.

Mel said...

1) I too have absolutely zero desire to go into the Peace Corps. I know a bazillion people who have gone, and this includes my middle school best friend who owns more make-up than a MAC store and, when visiting me a few years ago, discovered I didn't own a hair dryer and said:

"What the hell kind of girl are you?"

To which I replied: "A kind-of-gay one who's too lazy to dry her hair."

Also, I can't helping thinking of things like how one would handle feminine hygiene issues while living in a hut in fucking Mongolia (no lie, a girl I know just got bak from there).

2) I really dislike kids. When I was in high school, I almost got into a fight with an eleven-year-old while tutoring at an after-school program.

Here's the kicker: Ever since I reached about, oh, twenty-five and a half, I've started spontaneously bursting into tears at the sight of babies and particularly cute toddlers. I swore I wouldn't let my uterus change me, but damn if you can't fight Mother Nature.


In short, if you're a shitty person, then your certainly not alone.

Anonymous said...

Can I add - I could not give a seanvote about the Olympics.

shitty person syndromeeeeee right hereeeee

Sikander7 said...

The Korean wheel chair guy in my office is an asshole. Yet we cannot say anything because he is a double minority. Triple if you count being an asshole.

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

Mo Phill said...

I hate kids. I hate lost. I HATE amusement parks. Yeah, yeah.

But I work with disabled people, and hate that too. They make me feel like I am crazy. Sanity in the world? NO, GIVE ME A COOOKE! you can't have a coke, you fucking diabetes fat ass.

Also, I don't want to be faithful to anyone, ever. I want to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and I want to be worshiped for it, because I have a great body.

I want my mom to stop being such an ignorant ass hole and do something with her life. And give my back my fucking credit card!

I want my rich depressed friend to get over his bullshit and do something with his life instead of living in his head, where all is protected by his trust fund.

And finally, I want my boyfriend to look at all the shit he has done in his life, and equate it to nothing, because that is what it is considering what an arrogant bastard he is.

Wow, I feel better. I need advice. Shit.

Anonymous said...

This post reminds me about the old days of good blogging. If you can please visit my site [url=http://kitchencheap.co.uk/]kitchen cheap[/url]

Anonymous said...

Hey, I can't view your site properly within Opera, I actually hope you look into fixing this.

Ashley said...

So... it's been a while since I almost smothered myself trying not to laugh in my tiny cubicle (aka read 2b1b at work), so I decided to get back into the habit by reviewing some of my favorites this morn, er, all day.

And I'm just saying that in case you're looking for a new friend, I work part-time at this bougie bowling alley in the suburbs that has a Time Crisis game in the arcade, and I have access to the tokenzzzzz.

Samantha said...

So, from reading this post I have learned that I too am a shitty person. I dislike all of those things; except I don't mind islands (though I did have an existential crisis while looking out at the ocean on a cruise ship late at night) and I don't know any assholes in wheelchairs.

Anonymous said...

*sigh*.
Thank you. I actually just realized how shitty of a person I am, which is why I googled 'why am I such a shitty person' only to be relieved when I read the comments to your post. Being a shitty person makes you real. People can relate. Being shitty is honest and fun.
On the other hand, for years I believed myself to be a great person. Nevertheless unhappy as you could get. Bored with myself. And in denial. Fuck all that, being shitty is not bad at all.
One thing I hate the most: non-shitty people. They are judgmental. They are aerogant. They are filled with a false scense of reality. They are constantly dissapointed and no one really is ever good enough for them. and to me, that's shittier than being shitty.

karl simpsons said...

weekend payday loans in 15 minutes is the source of quick cash for people with bad credit history and low credit rating.

12 month loan direct lender
12 month instant online no checks loan
loans for bad credit over 12 months
12 month pay day loans

 
Clicky Web Analytics