2.04.2010

This Week, Part 1: Hi. I am not a morning person.

[A note from Co-Blogger Chris: I just wanted to thank everyone who was encouraging/proud/excited/helpful in response to my post yesterday. I didn't really intend for you all to actually help me find a job, of course you all stepped up to the proverbial plate and offered your assistance. Because you're amazing. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. If things get super bleak, I will literally show up at your door begging for work (or a free sandwich). In the meantime, please just sit back and enjoy our blog. You do enough by just being you. Thanks again!]

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Well, well, well...if it isn't my old friendThe Business Conference. How are you, Business Conference? BESIDES HORRIBLE AND SOUL-SUCKING. As you may have been able to tell from my emo tweets and lack of posting this week, I've been busy with a customer service conference. All week. I wasn't really dreading this week's conference as much as July's sales conference though, as it's being held in our studio and I don't have to travel anywhere. How bad could it be, right? Wrong. This has been just as painful as Baby's First Business Trip. True I get to come home and sleep in my own bed at the end of the night, far away from the menstrual cramps and midnight bikinix waxing sessions waiting for me in a hotel room with Boss #1, but hosting the conference in our space means just that; we have to host the conference. And what I didn't realize until Monday morning was that we means me. Me. Meghan McBlogger. The same girl who shakily puts a letter opener to her own throat at the thought of having to update the mailing list. A task done sitting down. Do you know how time consuming hosting a conference is? Very. There's your answer. First let's talk about the act of "hosting a conference." Because planning/executing a conference and "hosting" a conference are two very different things. Last week I planned the conference. Which was fine. It was a concept I could wrap my head around. I made hotel reservations, ordered catering, emailed and answered a lot of questions; basically I was useful. It was kind of a nice change of pace. Then there was the actual setting up of the conference, which thankfully went off without a hitch. But then I had to host the conference every day this week. What does that job entail? It entails stepping into a time machine, going back to 1962 and being the personal bitch-slave for 25 disguising, lecherous, old men for a week. And what was that like? Well, here's a little action shot I took with my iphone:


IT WAS HELL! Hell on earth! (Hell on earth. Kell on Earth. I don't remember TV before it. What? Goulet.) First and foremost, I have to be in the office at 6:30 every morning this week. Let me repeat that: six thirty in the god-damned morning. Be there at. To say "I'm not a morning person" is such a gross understatement that it's almost laughable. Doing anything before noon is a challenge for me. And I am in no way just saying that for effect. During summer break from college, my friends from home and I would meet up at our local diner for breakfast every Saturday morning at 10am. To make this happen, not only would I have to set a series of alarms to wake myself up from my disturbingly deep slumber, my friends would have to take turns deciding who would be the one to repeatedly call my cell phone to get me out of bed and then call my house phone and ask my parents to physically remove me from bed when I inevitably stopped answering their calls and/or turned off my phone so I could go back to sleep. Again, that was to go eat an omelet in my pajamas five minutes away from my bed at the completely reasonable hour of 10 o'clock in the morning. And I had to be at work this week at 6:30am. SHIT. BE. LOLZ.

This got me thinking about how it was genuinely a miracle that I even graduated high school at all. Because what time did that shit start? Like 6:40am? The fuck was that about? Like high school wasn't hard enough, it had to start at the witching hour to ensure extra uncomfortableness. First period was always notoriously rough for me. I got through four years worth of first periods like I get through everything else in life: just barely. I'd worked my schedule like a rubix cube to try and figure out what combination of classes I needed to take to make sure I had some bullshit class first period I could zone out in, like gym. Unfortunately that didn't always work out. One year I had Spanish first period but, thankfully my teacher was strangely susceptible to the old Meg McBlogger awkward charm. I don't know why Ms. Cuadrado liked me so much; lord knows I didn't speak a word of Spanish, but every morning I'd wake up late, leisurely get ready, watch The Today Show, enjoy a cup of coffee, read the paper, catch a ride with my dad whenever he happened to be ready (don't rush!)
and breeze into class ten minutes before it was dismissed. I'm not kidding; I didn't learn a fucking thing in that class because I genuinely wasn't there for three-quarters of it. But all I had to do was bust out a little charm at the door and old Ms. Cuadrero would let me off the hook. I took this class with Jen and it drove her insane. Rightfully so, of course. Jen would get to class maybe five minutes late and Ms. Cuadrero showed her no mercy. I, however, would stroll in 40 minutes late wearing a t-shirt that said "I'M HERE" on the front and "YOU'RE WELCOME" on the back, Ms. Cuadrero would say, "AYE YAY AYE! LOOK AT THE TIME MEG-HAAAN!" and I'd say "The time, Ms. Cuadrero? Don't you mean the...tiempo? A-HAHAHAHA!" and she'd be like "Oh...YOU!!!", wag her finger at me and that would be the end of it. Meanwhile, if memory serves correctly, Jen got automatically bumped down a letter grade for being late more than five times throughout the course of the entire semester. It was one of those situations where I knew it wasn't fair and I knew I was benefiting from it and my best friend wasn't...but I was in no way willing do something to change it because the alternative was too grim. I'm sorry Jen. It was high school: every lazy girl for herself. Of all people, I know you understand.

More so than anyone, Talia really bore the brunt of my morning abuse. (Yeah. I don't know why I have any friends either.) Talia is the epitome of a morning person. By the time I'd drag myself out of bed and keel over onto my desk like a corpse, Talia had already gone for a run, taken a shower, watched a solid hour of TV, had a heart-to-heart with her mom, did the grocery shopping for the week, saved a Somalian orphan, performed open heart surgery and starred in a one-man off-off-Broadway hip-hop production of Titus Andronicus met with mixed reviews and ultimately judged as "too ahead of it's time." And I resented the hell out of her for this. She was everything I wasn't (awake) and everything I wanted to be (not part house cat.)

Talia and I had first period together twice and the results were disastrous. First we had pre-Calc together, a class I would show up on time to, but then proceed to completely zone out in and not listening to a damn thing our teacher said in for 40 minutes straight. Then the night before a unit exam, Talia would come over to "study" and I'd be all, "So...what did we learn this unit, buddy?!" and she'd teach me everything we learned in the past three weeks while I was sleeping with my eyes open. When we got our tests back, I'd hold up my A+ and give her a thumbs up and she'd look down at her B- start to sharpen her pencil into a stabbing mechanism.
Teresa was the real badass in that class though. She'd roll up sunglasses still on, Redbull in hand right literally seconds before the bell rang and Mrs. Linthicum would be all, "Teresa! Where have you been??" and she'd be like, "NO DICE. Can't make it to your class; so don't ask." I was like, WOW, SHE'S LIKE THE JAMES DEAN OF MORNING HATERS! AND SHE'S SO DREAMY!!!1

I think I feel the worst about how I treated Talia when we took Ancient and Medieval History first period together. Before judging my actions, keep in mind this was second semester of senior year, a time in my life where a.) I was about to graduate and who gives a flying fuck anymore? and b.) I had just worked my entire high school career to get into NYU, only to be rejected due to an administrative error. The wounds were still fresh and I wasn't exactly "all there." I had to be on time to Ancient and Medieval History; there was no way around it. Not only did I actually respect the teacher, I had her later in the day again for AP Psych and her husband for Philosophy; two classes I couldn't exactly fuck up and charm my way out of. Every morning I'd painfully drag myself into class feeling like death warmed over only to find Talia already sitting at her desk (Lord knows she'd already been there for hours repainting the classroom with a toothbrush...) all bright-eyed and bushy tailed. This greatly offended me. I know she's my best friend, and I realize this sounds horrible, but I would just slump into my seat and glare at her with burning hatred in my bleary eyes as she'd talk a mile a minute and jump around her seat like she had just chugged four liters of Mountain Dew. "Hey Mayyyyyggles!" she'd chirp merrily as she grabbed my forearm in excitement. "SERIOUSLY TALIA, DON'T EVEN TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW," I'd growl back (eyes black, foaming at the mouth,) "YOUR HANDS ARE COVERED IN PANCAKE BATTER AND YOU SMELL LIKE SIMPLE SYRUP." "Oh...sorry, Meg. I just thought" "I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME." I don't know why I did this. She's Talia. She'd been my best friend since seventh grade. She went on my family vacations. Sadly, at that ungodly hour her positive demeanor irritated the hell me and the fact that she had had breakfast and I hadn't might as well have made her Pol Pot in my eyes. Every morning she'd have to endure roughly 20 minutes of me manically ranting and raving about what various breakfast pastries were supposedly all over her hands and how she wasn't allowed to look at or touch me before I'd slowly wake up and return to my civilized self.

Somewhere into the semester, Talia figured out that if she gave me apple slices (mother nature's natural coffee,) it expedited this process and made both of our mornings considerably more tolerable. Our morning routine then became the following: I'd pout my way into class and unhappily plop down into my chair and without saying a word, Talia would reach into her bag, pull out a ziplock baggy of sliced apples and gingerly place them on my desk. Then, like a small child, I would num-num my apple slices in silence until the last one was gone, and we could finally begin a normal conversation like two normal human beings.

One of the more depressing moments of my life was the morning of my first college classa 9:55am eastern religion class. As I sleepily sat at my desk waiting for class to start, I looked around the room full of strangers and it struck me that not only did nobody in this class have a ziplock baggy of apple slices for me, I might not ever meet anybody else willing to deal with my batshit crazy neuroses like Talia again. A knot formed in my stomach and my eyes welled up with tears. The second I got back to my dorm room I frantically IM'ed Talia all "I HAD A MORNING CLASS AND NOBODY HAD APPLE SLICES FOR ME AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!1" Then, of course, Ex Co-Blogger Eddie knocked on my door all "Y'ALL TRYIN' TO HAUL OUR COMFORTERS INTO THE LOUNGE TO WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000?!?!!??!!?" and I knew that yes Virginia, there are people just as weird as you at college. But it's a lonely feeling to be surrounded by irritating morning people who don't tolerate or try to work with your anti-morning curmudgeonry. That's what I've felt like every morning this week at work. It's been cold, lonely, tiring and full of sexual harassment; the recap of which will come tomorrow. Right now I'm still in the thick of it. But if you'd like to bring me a baggy of sliced apples, I wouldn't refuse 'em.

54 comments:

Caitlin said...

And there I have it, my new adopted phrase. "The witching hour."

Brilliant post, but I'm so sorry you have to be at work for 6:30 am. Please say you get to go home early or something! What the fuck is so important that early anyway? What time do the rest of them get in?

gecko said...

Totally unrelated but somehow still relevant...A quote from this week's Modern Family in response to the little boy asking his dad (Phil), "What's Jägermeister?"

Phil: You know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that except you don't wake up in a castle — you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

~Jamie said...

Ho. Ly. Crap. My best friend brought me orange slices EVERY morning of high school.

I remember that feeling of realizing I was going to have to fend for myself (and by fend for myself, I mean walk all the way to the dorm cafeteria, get my OWN orange and actually peel it.)

Damn, I wanted to go back to high school.

Talia said...

I believe, "Wookies" was the term.

Wookies meaning sticky with cake batter, syrup, pastries, crumbs, and everything and anything a three year old child would get their hands on.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. You're on a roll...get a book deal already!

Anonymous said...

Random thought: I definitely imagined the narrator from Royal Tenembaums or Vicky Christina Barcelona narrating this part and I almost peed myself.

By the time I'd drag myself out of bed and keel over onto my desk like a corpse, Talia had already gone for a run, taken a shower, watched a solid hour of TV, had a heart-to-heart with her mom, did the grocery shopping for the week, saved a Somalian orphan, performed open heart surgery and starred in a one-man off-off-Broadway hip-hop production of Titus Andronicus met with mixed reviews and ultimately judged as "too ahead of it's time."

Teresa said...

That morning Math class was hell. I feel you. There were times I had random items in my pockets. Like the time I had a piece of a menorah in my pocket to be used to make a weed smoking device. The person that gave me that. My future ex boyfriend. Memories... Meg at least we were not that girl that rolled up in pajama pants EVERY DAY.

jen toppe said...

hahahahaha. i almost spit my coffee all over my computer when i read: "and starred in a one-man off-off-Broadway hip-hop production of Titus Andronicus met with mixed reviews and ultimately judged as "too ahead of it's time." where do you come up with this stuff?? its jay and silent bob to me.

remember the time you were late to spanish and the teacher was like "meghan, your late'. but you misunderstood her and for some reason thought she was complimenting your shirt. so you were like "gee thanks! i got it at target!" and she was like
hehehe ho ho ho ho, i speak my english in a funny accent" and went on with the day. i'll never forget it.

AND remember the time i called you (around noon) on a saturday to invite you to hang out. the call woke you up, you told me it was rush hashana and you weren't allowed to do anything. 30 minutes later you called back admitting it was in fact NOT rush hashana but i had woken you up and the lie was the easiest excuse you could come up with to get quickly off the phone and back to bed.

Unknown said...

teeeeeeeeeeeheheheheheehe being a co-captain of said vasity dempseys team is one of my all time fave items on my resume. even if im the only that ever wanted to go...maybe if it stops snowing ever this year we can go! after 10 am!

Meg said...

Meg, I have never commented on here before, so hello! All you need to know is that I am another Meghan (correctly spelled), I'm neurotic and do nothing all day at work, and I read your blog like it's candy and tell everyone I know about you. Seriously if multiple people from the state of Massachusetts have started following your blog and you have no idea why - it's me. I'm your Boston stalker - YOU'RE WELCOME! Anyway I am glad your conference is over, but in case you're looking for another "happy place" site on the ole interwebs, here you go - saw this, thought of you (for reasons which will immediately become clear): http://www.buzzfeed.com/dustind/my-boyfriend-has-sex-like-a-turtle-em8

Anonymous said...

SHIT. BE. LOLZ.

you are my other half...

Welcome back - we've missed you!

Unknown said...

Thank all that is good and holy you're back.

Elliot Smilowitz said...

I just made you a new fan because I laughed so hard at the apple slices stuff that a coworker felt compelled to come see what I was laughing at.

mary said...

my dad's favorite joke is when on the off chance I am a. at my parents house and b. awake before 11, and someone talks to me he looks at his watch and says. 'nope, mary doesn't talk until noon' then laughs.

and I just glare at him because he is right. I don't talk before noon.

Mollie said...

I should know this by now, but what's with the "!!!1"?

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

What time do the rest of them get in?
They're supposed to get here at 7 for an hour long continental breakfast, but everyone just skips it and shows up at 8. Unfortunately THE BUILDING ISN'T OPEN at this time so I have to be here early to let the caterers/conference attendees in. Kill me.

I believe, "Wookies" was the term.

Wookies meaning sticky with cake batter, syrup, pastries, crumbs, and everything and anything a three year old child would get their hands on.

Jesus...if only I had a nickel for every time I've shouted "TALIA GET YOUR WOOKIES AWAY FROM ME! YOU SMELL LIKE CRAYONS!" I wouldn't have to work. I love you a ridiculous amount.

Random thought: I definitely imagined the narrator from Royal Tenembaums or Vicky Christina Barcelona narrating this part and I almost peed myself.
I re-read it in Alec Baldwin's voice and you're right; it really does add a certain something!

Meg at least we were not that girl that rolled up in pajama pants EVERY DAY.
No way dude. Not us. We were there and we looked good. We just didn't necessarily "participate." And your ex-boyfriend would smoke out of a menorah...

AND remember the time i called you (around noon) on a saturday to invite you to hang out. the call woke you up, you told me it was rush hashana and you weren't allowed to do anything. 30 minutes later you called back admitting it was in fact NOT rush hashana but i had woken you up and the lie was the easiest excuse you could come up with to get quickly off the phone and back to bed.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy shit, that really happened. Oh my god, I had forgotten. I'm dyyyyyyyying. Why the fuck you were guys friends with me?

teeeeeeeeeeeheheheheheehe being a co-captain of said vasity dempseys team is one of my all time fave items on my resume.
Remember when we were going to buy ourselves those Dempsey's letterman's jackets? God I wish we had.

Seriously if multiple people from the state of Massachusetts have started following your blog and you have no idea why - it's me.
Thank you so much, Meg! I really appreciate it!

I just made you a new fan because I laughed so hard at the apple slices stuff that a coworker felt compelled to come see what I was laughing at.
YAY ELLIOT!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I should know this by now, but what's with the "!!!1"?

Remember when you'd be typing on AIM and you'd be so excited about something that you haphazardly hit the exclamation point button all!!!11 but release the shift too early and include a bunch of ones? Yeah. I use that as a literary device to emphasize excitement. I feel like I should feel stupid right now and say I'll stop doing it, but I probably won't. And I wouldn't want to lie to you.

Stephanie said...

I love your "!!!!!1" device. I totally get it. Remember the sense of URGENCY in typing on aim? Especially after you could see when the other person had started typing and holy shit you had to hurry up & get your message SENT before they said something else and your moment was gone or they totally changed the subject and your message made no sense anymore!!!!1

Rick D said...

hilarious, but i'm more struck by Talia! wow. what a sweetheart. it will be a lucky guy who locks her down and gets her thoughtful ziplock baggies for the rest of his life.

Anonymous said...

one of my favorite posts to date! i respect :) i can def relate.

and to co-blogger chris: <3

last semester i had my first class at 2:40 (in the AFTERNOON) twice a week and still managed to complain about how tired i always was. my roommate would literally wake-up, go to class, workout at the gym, get lunch, attend one of her (various) club meetings, and come back to our room BEFORE i WOKE UP.
i hope i grow out of this…but i'm not gettin my hopes up

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

hilarious, but i'm more struck by Talia! wow. what a sweetheart. it will be a lucky guy who locks her down and gets her thoughtful ziplock baggies for the rest of his life.

RIGHT?! And she's bangin' hot to boot! If she weren't my BFF, I'd probably hate her. She's my facebook wife so I already got that on lockdown. No big deal.

Rick D said...

hmm. is that Megglese for "step off, bitch, 'fo I cutcho ass!!!1"?
I mean, I don't have The Situation's abs, but I had a pretty nice fade with frosted tips in high school...AND when I met you at Jagerball you said you liked the cut of my jib...sooo based on those factors, I consider myself quite a catch.

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

No man, go for it. Just don't fuck up our Valentine's Day plans. KTHNX.

Angie said...

I'm of the opinion that the phrase "nom-nom" is one of the funniest ever created. I started crying in lecture today from silent laughter b/c when I read that I envisioned a turtle "nom-nom"ing those apples which of course lead to a mental image of "Turtle Rapes Shoe". My mind just goes there, and I'm not sorry.

Anonymous said...

http://www.tmz.com/2010/02/04/jersey-shore-house-mtv/

Seriously! Jaegerball 2010 location! Do it before May when it's still $3,000ish. We can all fist pump, chat on the duck phone, and Meg can go seduce Danny.

Elliot Smilowitz said...

Remember when you'd be typing on AIM and you'd be so excited about something that you haphazardly hit the exclamation point button all!!!11 but release the shift too early and include a bunch of ones? Yeah. I use that as a literary device to emphasize excitement.


I do that, and sometimes I type it as "!!!111oneoneone" for full effect.

Anonymous said...

i had a friend, clammy tammy, just like your talia. i'd skip classes to go ride in cars with boys or go over the hill and smoke Js with girls. after school i'd go over to tammy's to get tutoring and her notes. but tammy always clammed up come test time and got Cs and Bs, and i got As. tammy was so mad that i could get high all the time and still ace shit. but i love her to death and your post brought back warm fuzzies for her.

but teresa is my real moring hero!

Anonymous said...

ps: i love your blog. please don't ever leave us again. fuck the naysayers.

and chris is awesome too.

Kim @ kimberlyfaye reads said...

I have to host a lot of conferences and meetings in my organization too... we assistants have a word for it - "waitretarying." Half waitress, half secretary. 100% bitch.

leminx said...

Talia is the epitome of a morning person. By the time I'd drag myself out of bed and keel over onto my desk like a corpse, Talia had already gone for a run, taken a shower, watched a solid hour of TV, had a heart-to-heart with her mom, did the grocery shopping for the week, saved a Somalian orphan, performed open heart surgery and starred in a one-man off-off-Broadway hip-hop production of Titus Andronicus met with mixed reviews and ultimately judged as "too ahead of it's time."


.... funniest paragraph ever.
I love you.

Sabri said...

" Then, of course, Ex Co-Blogger Eddie knocked on my door all "Y'ALL TRYIN' TO HAUL OUR COMFORTERS INTO THE LOUNGE TO WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000?!?!!??!!?" and I knew that yes Virginia, there are people just as weird as you at college.

Does this mean your name is Virginia??

Shoshana said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shoshana said...

I know I'm posting this a couple days late but I really can't let that comment go without a response...uh, Sabri, that quote was actually a reference to a famous editorial in the New York Sun that said "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus"... but don't take my word for it, trust wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yes,_Virginia,_there_is_a_Santa_Claus

Shai said...

Brilliance Meg, brilliance. Now I truly understand why Talia "is all" one-eye open at 7:45pm every evening.

brynn rovito said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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