- So the Twitter rumors (that I started...) are true—Russell the Homophobic Co-Worker quit. After Friday he'll no longer be Russell the Homophobic Co-Worker, he'll just be Russell the Homophobic. Which sounds kind of regal and noble like Richard the Lionheart. Except times ignorant. His quitting was so anti-climactic and not dramatic at all, unfortunately. I didn't see him for two straight weeks (gay magic) and then he randomly sauntered in Monday morning, didn't say hi (as per usual), was on the phone for an hour and then came out and said to me, "Well Meghan, you're going to be the first to know!" At this point all I could think was, "GAY. HE'S GAY. GAYER THAN A CHRISTMAS TREE. I CALLED IT. HE'S COMING OUT TO ME RIGHT NOW. WE'RE GOING TO TOWN TONIGHT. LORD LOVE A STRONG GAY BLACK MAN." But he continued, "Friday will be my last day working here." Dinger. I played the ohhh Russell that's so sad what will you be doing?? game hoping the answer was a leather daddy named "Hoss," but that wasn't the case. Get this! He's leaving to become a deacon in his church. That was the big decision he couldn't talk to me about. That's his birthday present to himself. I mean, I guess I should have seen this coming. After working here for a year and two months, here's what I've ascertained about RTHCW:
- Making a show out of praying before meals
- Telling me he's fasting before proceeding to eat a giant chicken caesar salad
- Calling me "Boss Lady"
- Not closing doors
- Sucking air through his teeth
- Meghan McBlogger
- Cream cheese
- Lady Gaga (I assume)
- Closing doors
- Silent workplaces
So, yeah. Russell's not gay; he's just really into Jesus. And good for him! I guess. I'm really having some intense mixed emotions about this entire situation. On one hand, I'm psyched I won't have to work with him anymore, but on the other, he's one more grossly homophobic person working in the Church. Not to mention the amazing blog fodder he provided me with on a daily basis! I'm definitely going to miss that. Sigh. Lock up your alter boys! Russell the Homophobic—coming to a church near you.
And then, ironically, Boss #1 and Boss #2 walked in and fired me. BOOM. I'm so Stephanie Vorhees right now. All things considered, it wasn't that bad. They walked in, gave me my Dear John letter, told me to leave my keys and get out. The only remotely sassy thing said was when Boss #1 said, "Boss #1 is not happy," and I said "I'm not surprised," back.
I'm not sure how I should be feeling right now. Mostly I don't feel bad at all, which in turn is making me feel bad. Finding out that your seemingly innocuous receptionist is actually the Trojan Horse of snark that is Meghan McBlogger must suck and I want to say I feel for them, but I just don't. If you hadn't been horrible, I wouldn't have talked shit about you.* And I'm putting an asterisk next to you because I never named them or the company by name. I'm sure they're still going to sue the pants off me because this is America and that's what we do. Oh and good luck trying to get all five paper clips I'm worth. Shit, I'll give 'em to you for free as a special thanks for all the blog material.
After I got fired, I called Alex and told him what happened. He immediately burst into a fit of laughter and said, "Look. I know I'm not you and I'm not in your place right now, but I can't help but think it was completely worth it."
You're damn right it was! I knew what I was getting myself into; I knew they'd catch on sooner or later. You can't be the Everyman of 20-somethings everywhere and not expect your very real bosses to figure it out. I took back the mid-morning—and it felt damn good.
In the meantime, I'm not going anywhere. Why would I? Can you imagine the lawsuit posts??
Judge: Boss #1, you are being charged of 'bleeding like a stuck pig.' What say you?
Boss #1: NOT GUILTY, YOUR HONOR!
Meg McBlogger: OBJECTION!!!!!!1
Boss #1's tampon: Sustained.
So I'll be here, Monday-Friday, blogging as always. And I just want to say thank you so much for the incredible amount of support coming in. Keep the tweets coming! Maybe we can make #2birds1blog a trending topic and someone will finally realize what a cash cow the 2b1b army is and we can keep the blog going indefinitely?! (And publish more posts a day?? And do a weekly podcast called "2birds1podcast"?? I have ideas?? WHHHHHHAAAA??) Lemons, I'd like you to meet lemonade.
I'd also just like to specifically take this time to break the fourth wall and thank my parents. My parents are mind-bogglingly proud of this blog and the community built around it and have nothing but faith in me. Not every parent would respond to getting a call from their daughter saying she just got fired because her bosses found her shit talkin' blog by saying, "Meh, we knew it was coming. They're assholes. Dad will talk to his lawyer. But I gotta go the Giant now, love you honey." And yet, that's exactly what happened. So thank you, mom and dad, for always believing in me and my ridiculous blog primarily dedicated to boner jokes and Larry Hagman. That is what I call amazing parents.