11.13.2009

Drinking Game Friday hopes your babies look like monkeys

Happy Drinking Game Friday gang! Before we getsta boozing, I have a few administrative items I'd like to discuss:

- J
ÄGER BALL. First of all, are you coming? You are! Awesome. And you're bringing 10 of your closest friends?? Even better! And you've lowered your expectations of what I'm like in real life so there's not an ungodly amount of pressure on me to be as unrealistically attractive and entertaining as I think you think I am?? PERFECT. I like my expectations like I like my cholesterol: low. So, I'm glad that's settled. Secondly, a few people commented on last Friday's post asking if I could recommend a cheap DC hotel or perhaps figure out some kind of group rate for all you out-of-towners. I'm not going to lie, when I first read that I thought, "PSH, fuck if I know how to make that happen," and went immediately back to googling camo pug harnesses. However, it occurred to me a few days later that my sister works for a hotel doing special events. And you guys need a hotel. For this special event. So I sat down with my calculator and worked out that if A + B = C, then maybe I should stop being retarded and ask my sister if she can hook you guys up. So leave a comment or shoot me an email (meg@2birds1blog.com) if you're interested and Becca will see what she can do!

Ahh, Becca McBlogger: coming in handy since 1980.

- I had the most irritating conversation with Boss #2 on Wednesday. I took a break from forced slave labor to check my email and audibly guffawed at something Rachel sent me. Boss #2 strolled over and asked what was up. "Oh, one of my good friends is pregnant and sent me an email saying that she already feels bad for me for when I get pregnant because of my boobs," I explained. "Truthfully I just don't think I have a body made for pregnancy. I've got the narrow hips of a 12-year-old boy and huge circus boobs. This body was not meant to carry a child." "Oh don't worry," Boss #2 said, "When you're pregnant you can actually feel your hips separating to accommodate the baby. Every woman is built for pregnancy, Meghan. Don't worry. God wouldn't do that to you," and then walked away. And I just sort of stood there with my head cocked sideways, awkwardly shifting my eyes around the room for a solid 30 seconds. Because it's always awkward when someone drops a hard G into casual conversation. It just makes things get real holy, real fast. And much like religion has no place in schools, it also has no place is conversations regarding my separating hips, vagina and massive circus boobs.

- I would like it to be known that the crisp, white shirt I put on this morning is now completely drenched in coffee thanks to an email I just received from College Roommate Danielle. I took a big sip of coffee right before I read it and was NOT prepared for the contents. This resulted in a cheesy sitcom style spit-take, the likes of which haven't been seen since Saved by the Bell. Please allow the following excerpt to enrich your afternoon:

"I am in the middle of a seminar looking like I am taking notes, but really I want to die a little inside.

I bought a new bra yesterday, it's awesome and comfortable. I mean, it was, until I realized say about 20 minutes ago what the clips on the top were for. I am currently wearing a breastfeeding bra. How did you find out, you ask? the clip popped open, out popped my boob and i had to figure out how to reach my hand into my shirt, shove my breast back into the bra and clip it in the middle of a very cold classroom."

And that is why we are friends.

- Boss #1 has a UTI from having "dirty sex" on Halloween. You're welcome.

- If Co-Blogger Chris and I were to ever make a two-man comedy troop, we'd call it "Poppers and Ketamine." He'd obviously be Poppers.

- I need to get laundry detergent and face wash after work.

- This blog post is quickly morphing into a list of not-funny things I just happen to be thinking about at the moment, so I'm going to stop and give you your drinking game. This week's drinking game is inspired by how incredibly excited I am that Co-Blogger Chris is coming to stay with me this weekend! I'm going to hold him gently in my arms, rock back and forth, slowly stroke his soft ginger hair and explain to him that not knowing what you want to be when you grow up isn't that bad. Then when he asks, "how so?" I'm going to awkwardly look around the room for a few minutes mumbling irrelevant adages like "a penny saved is a penny earned" and "home is where the heart is" before and cramming a bottle of J
äger in his face to make it all better. Reunited and it feels so good. And speaking of being reunited! Straighten your back brace, pop in a mix tape and grab your giant binder—it's time for The Romy and Michele's High School Reunion Drinking Game!


Rules:
Drink When:
- "Me too!"
- They discuss a diet
- Somebody puts magnets on Michele's back brace
- Someone in the service department hits on Romy
- Anyone says "Tuscon"
- Anyone says "High School"
- There's a flashback
- Heather smokes a cigarette
- Heather says "there's a difference!"
- Heather tells Toby Walters to go fuck herself
- The Cowboy makes an appearance
- Michele goes on a job interview
- They exercise
- Anyone says "post-it"
- Anyone says "A-Group"
- Sandy Frink gets an erection
- Billy Christiansen runs without his shirt (meow)
- Anyone gets hit by a limo
- During the follow exchange, solely because it's my favorite:
Romy: Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together?
Michele: Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us.
Romy: So we said: "OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele's house on Friday night and we'll be waiting."
Michele: And then he showed up, and we were like: "Danny, it was a joke!"
Romy: And then we turned the sprinklers on him!
[both laugh hysterically]
Michele: Oh my God!
[abruptly stops laughing]
Michele: Didn't he die?
Romy: I think so.
- And obviously finish what you're drinking during the following. Because it's so good:
Romy: What the hell is your problem, Christie. Why the hell are you always such a nasty bitch? I mean, okay, so Michele and I did make up some stupid lie! We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings. But you know what I realized? I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you. You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think!

As always, thank you so much for reading and supporting us. Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! Kisses!

23 comments:

Talia said...

I really do like those outfits, # 1 quote.

dontgetsentimental said...

MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER. EVER.

Margo said...

Waterfall for this line: "Let's fold scarves!"

Bobby said...

About 11 people in my first year contracts class at law school are currently playing a drinking game in class to help get through the fact that we have a friday makeup class. It is awesome. Here are the rules:

1. Mentions a legal theorist (Llewellyn, Corbin, Williston, etc.)
2. Has trouble with a student's name
3. Has a problem with the projector
4. Laughs at his own jokes
5. Says "A thousand voices? One voice?" (this will be worth a double-shot)
6. Finally, if the girl in the front row has to get up and help him with the computer, we all have to finish our drinks

He never knows student's names and can't read his own seating chart, and the man is majorly technologically challenged. Therefore, we are all well on the way to being fucked up.

Anonymous said...

Just something I want to raise to your attention:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8355287.stm

KC said...

One summer my sister and I watched that movie everyday, like every-single-day for months. We had all the lines memorized and would recite them while watching.

"Oh, Ramon! Your penis is so powerful! I'm coming! Okay, thanks, get off me now."

Probably the best quote when you were 14 yrs old

Sarah P said...

nursing bras. are. so. comfortable.
and also a lot unsexier than you might think a removable-cup bra would be.
good for your friend for learning the tuck. this will aid her in life.
your bosses = crack babies. i'm almost positive.

LW said...

Whaaaaaaat is the matter with Boss #1?!?!?!? Surrrriously??? Why, oh why, do you have to hear about her UTI and her "dirty Halloween sex"?!?! Bless your heart, little one.

But really, this whole post made me LOLZ like crazy. Even the face wash part...bc frankly, I need to pick up some facewash too.

Rachel said...

Ok. so 1) thanks for outting my news!!! It's ok,I love you and I have a big mouth anyways, so it was just a matter of time. 2) Can I have Danielles nursingbra? is that weird? haha 3) I LOVE that I am a link. that made my day. 4) I am extremely sad to not make the Jager ball. Ilove you and willbe there in spirit! Are you wearing the deer costume? You should...it was so cute.

Anonymous said...

i saw that movie when i was 10- probably not the most appropriate age- but to this day, i will list it as my favorite movie. this drinking game is SO clutch!

Lauren said...

Steptoe Happy Hour at Buffalo Billiards, 7pm and on tonight!! (post-real Steptoe happy hour in our conference center!!!!) Bring Co-Blogger Chris please!!!!!!!

leminx said...

if I came to Jagerball, i'd ask several questions...
1. Do you want a shot or perhaps 12? then we could have a galpal heart to heart.
2. Do you know what you've done for my life? I'm much cooler these days because i've been a blog nerd.. or a blerd, if you will.

Anonymous said...

I just randomly happened to stumble upon your blog (no, I did not use StumbeUpon), and you guys are unbelievable hilarious.
I've never come across a blog that made me laugh out loud so much.
Keep up the great work!

LG from Bahrain.

Anonymous said...

Ehhhhh Meg: I want to come to your happy hour/ball/shitshow thing but... I've been reading this blog forevs and it kiiindof gives me the willies to think about meeting/seeing you in real life. This is terribly awkward.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Just something I want to raise to your attention:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8355287.stm

I can't even talk about that. I just can't.

But really, this whole post made me LOLZ like crazy. Even the face wash part...bc frankly, I need to pick up some facewash too.
I TOTES FORGOT TO GET FACEWASH. God damnit.

Ok. so 1) thanks for outting my news!!! It's ok,I love you and I have a big mouth anyways, so it was just a matter of time. 2) Can I have Danielles nursingbra? is that weird? haha 3) I LOVE that I am a link. that made my day. 4) I am extremely sad to not make the Jager ball. Ilove you and willbe there in spirit! Are you wearing the deer costume? You should...it was so cute.
As I just emailed you, I THOUGHT IT WAS PUBLIC KNOWNLEDGE!!!! I didn't mean to out you! Ugh. Either way, I love you and congratulations! I'm going to be an Auntie Meggles! And I don't know if I can bust out the deer makeup again...that did a NUMBER on my skin. Although it was hot at at the time. Either way, I reiterate: I'm sorry I outed you and I love you!

Steptoe Happy Hour at Buffalo Billiards, 7pm and on tonight!! (post-real Steptoe happy hour in our conference center!!!!) Bring Co-Blogger Chris please!!!!!!!
I'm sorry, Chris isn't coming until later tonight! WAMP, WAMP! :(

I've never come across a blog that made me laugh out loud so much.
Keep up the great work!

LG from Bahrain.

Thank you LG from Bahrain! <3

1. Do you want a shot or perhaps 12? then we could have a galpal heart to heart.
Yes! Times 12!
2. Do you know what you've done for my life? I'm much cooler these days because i've been a blog nerd.. or a blerd, if you will.
YAY! Blerd power! <3

Ehhhhh Meg: I want to come to your happy hour/ball/shitshow thing but... I've been reading this blog forevs and it kiiindof gives me the willies to think about meeting/seeing you in real life. This is terribly awkward.
I know, I get it. Isn't it weird to think I'm a real person just mixing and mingling among society?

Anonymous said...

sending my best friend who is in dc. he wants to be blogged about, so keep an eye out.

Anonymous said...

long time reader, first time commenter. OMG holy effing shit. i just realized that i have a breastfeeding bra too. one time on vacation i forget to pack a nude colored bra. homegirl can't run around wearing a black bra under everything, so i had to hit up kmart. i found the most comfortable bra and have probably worn it everyday for 6 months straight. i have always wondered what those stupid clasps were above the cups. thanks to danielle for her email to you... i would have never ever known.

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Mayle said...

Meggles,

You have yet again proven yourself to be worthy of the Top 5 place in my heart. I LOVE THIS MOVIE AND HAVE WATCHED IT 1000 TIMES! I even used to pretend to be Michelle with my best friend! I'm more Romy but sometimes you gotta take one for the team ;)

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