11.06.2009

A very humbled Drinking Game Friday

[This actually has nothing to do with anything, but I feel the need to let you know that I got in honest-to-god trouble this morning with Boss #2 for playing Comcast's "Throwback Jamz" channel over the sound system during our morning meeting. OH, I'm sorry, Boss #2! I just thought a little WSC featuring Nate Dogg singing "Gangsta Nation" might warm up the old synapses at the ungodly hour of 9 am. And if that makes me "unprofessional" then yes, I am "unprofessional."]

[Edit: I am unprofessional. There's really no need for snarky air-quotes and smart-ass italics. I'm currently playing Snood and blogging. I think it might be official.]

Last night's hot yoga class was HORRIBLE. Absolutely horrible. And normally when I have a bad yoga class, I'm totally willing to accept full responsibility. Usually it means I haven't gotten enough sleep or have been skipping the gym or haven't been drinking enough water and have definitely been drinking too much Jäger, but this time, I refuse to shoulder the blame. Instead, I place the blame on Allan: The World's Worst Yoga Instructor.

My sister had been warning me about Allan since I joined her studio. She couldn't quite put her finger on what's so annoying about Allan, but after taking his class last night, I can: Allan talks like Pauly Shore. There it is. Nail on head. And do you know how difficult it is to hold a back bend in 105-degrees when there's a Pauly Shore facsimile barking at you to clench your butt? Impossible. Every time he said the word "bone" I thought I was going to lose it and shit my pants. When I should have been clearing my mind and laying in Savasana, I was running through my favorite lines from Son-in-Law and desperately trying to remember the words to Crawl's "Buff the Wood" square-dancing song. (Thank you Internets: "Now grab a nug whose cones are busty, Weiz her gig and make her crusty! Grab your dude, Don't use roughness, Move in close and groove his buffness! Buff the wood! Buff the wood!)

Not to mention the incredible amount of energy it took to refrain from prancing around the studio doing the Steven Tyler PJ's dance:

And it really didn't help that my sister's name is Rebecca. Bec-kahhhhhhh...Chowin' down and muchin' on some grindageeee... (Yes, I own Son-In-Law on DVD.) (No, I don't want to talk about it.)

Besides it perpetually being a 1993 frat boy movie in my head, I also had an extreme fat kid moment. Perhaps the fattest of them all. It happened when I started to feel a little woozy and decided to lie down and sit a pose out. Allan saw that a few people were losing energy, so he stepped out of the room and came back carrying a hand full of plastic yellow and blue packets. He offered me one. "Oh, sweet!" I thought, "Kraft Singles!" My eyes lit up and I eagerly grabbed the packet, ready to re-charge my batteries with some good old-fashioned American cheese. Upon further inspection, I realized Allan had not given me a Kraft Single. No. He gave me a packet of Emergen-C Vitamin C powder to put in my water.


[NOT:
]

What in the sweet name of Christ is wrong with me that I thought our yoga instructor would pass out Kraft Singles in the middle of a hot yoga session?! And more importantly, why was I so excited about it?? I felt this overpowering rush of disappointment when I realized it was actually Vitamin C powder. I hate that shit. But I love Kraft Singles. Even though it was a babillion degrees in there and I felt like I was about to pass out and throw up at any second (not necessarily in that order,) I was genuinely excited to eat a delicious slice of American cheese. It made complete sense to me that this would be an option. Cheese has calcium. Calcium gives you strong bones. Strong bones are needed to support your body in yoga. Thus, it's completely normal to take a mid-yoga cheese break. It just made sense. But to quote my sister, "It was hot in there, dude. A lot of things made sense." Truer words were never spoken. What's even more embarrassing is that Allan came up to me after class and asked why I didn't use my Vitamin C packet. I could barely get words out. I was like, "OH. Yea. Well. I couldn't open it and I thought maybe I'd save it for later and maybe I'll put it in some tea tonight and I was really concentrating on the yoga and yeah. Just. Yeah." When what I really wanted to say was, "I accepted this Vitamin C pack under the assumption that it was cheese. It is not. I don't have to pay for it, do I?" Fat. Jewish. Humbling. Moment. 2009.

Given the events of this week, I was tempted to make today's drinking game be Pauly Shore or perhaps Jäger themed, but instead I'd like to celebrate another hero of mine—you. 2b1b won 3rd place for the Washington Post Express' Best Local Blog 2009! And while I don't really consider this a "local" blog, I am more than honored to take the bronze! What's even more exciting is that we weren't even nominated. You guys wrote us in and we ended up being in the top 3! And if you ask me, that's pretty impressive. It really shows how loyal you all are and I can't tell you how much the entire 2birds1blog family appreciates it. Ugh. Now I'm feeling all of these "emotions." My "heart" is all "warmed" and I'm crying like a lousy dame. WHATEVER! Let's man-up and take a shot! So, 2birds1blog reader, there's no game this week. I simply raise this shot of delicious, ice-cold Jägermeister (available at all fine drinking establishments and a liquor store near you) and dedicate it to you. Here's to being broke, bored and aimless!

Thank you!

Stay tuned for a big 2birds1blog announcement coming later in the day. Have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! <3

26 comments:

Deez said...

First congratulations!

Anonymous said...

you deserve it!

Margo said...

Congrats!!!


P.S. I own "Son-in-Law" on VHS, if it makes you feel any better.

Grant said...

I feel like as an "East Coast Urban Elitist" I shouldn't love American cheese as much as I do.

It's amazing. I prefer it on burgers and grilled cheese. Whenever I buy Kraft Singles they last, well, not long. Because I eat them, one after another. God, now I wish I had some of them.

Danny said...

I own A Very Goofy Movie on laserdisc, which makes me feel better about pretty much everything. (And I think PShore won a Tony for his voice-over work in the Goofy movie?)

Anonymous said...

so... i'm a teacher who reads your blog religiously, and on occasion i make the mistake of reading it during class, when i should maybe be teaching or something...

mistake, because on days like today with your "fat kid moment" i start laughing in the middle of class. and kids stare. sometimes. other times they think it's perfectly normal for me to just be giggling to myself in the front of the room.

Anna said...

CONGRATS!!!!!

Pappy, can i please PLEASSSEEE widdle wood with you?!?!?

meggles, i cannot express my congrats enough!!

poelondon said...

1) Congratulations. You totally deserve it.

2) Why does your yoga teacher keep saying bone (other than to make you think of Pauly Shore)? In what context is "bone" used in hot yoga? (Let's get into Downward dog Towards Your Bone? Now we're going to move into Warrior My Bone pose? Bone Salutation anyone?)

Anonymous said...

Okay I dont want to say the name of the Yoga studio because of all of your fans and all that but I have been speculating if you tried to go to the same hot yoga class I tried and when you described the instructor I now know for sure- I dont remember his name but by description I recognize the yoga natzi from anywhere. He single handedly ruined my yoga career and kicked me while i was down...literally. I too, was on the verge of death and therefore drank water at the wrong time and when he caught me breaking the rules lets just say i wish i had died. Good luck with yoga natzi !

Yogadawg said...

That's pretty funny!

laur1118 said...

Kraft Singles are my #1 snack food. They make an amazing grilled cheese but I love em just by themselves daily!

Congrats!

Kristina said...

Is it weird that this post made me feel warm and fuzzy?

<3 a fellow proud reader

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

so... i'm a teacher who reads your blog religiously, and on occasion i make the mistake of reading it during class, when i should maybe be teaching or something...
Tell your kids about my blog! I need the numbers!

meggles, i cannot express my congrats enough!!
Remember when you called me this morning and said congratulations and I thought someone was spreading rumors that I was pregnant? LOLz!

Why does your yoga teacher keep saying bone (other than to make you think of Pauly Shore)?
"Shift your left hip bone forward and line up those hips!"

Is it weird that this post made me feel warm and fuzzy?
No, it should have! <3

Rachel said...

iiiii own son in law on dvd and i DO want to talk about it. no shame!

Mtina said...

First off, congrats Meg--I totally voted for you. I have to thank you for your post today. I am leaving work early and was going to go to my hot yoga class but after reading your blog I remembered the creepy eastern european instructor (who frequently offers me happy-ending thai massages) is teaching today. Looks like jager shots it is. Hmm...maybe jager then happy ending?

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

Congratulations, Meg! Hot damn. I love it.

In other news, I'm peeing my pants a little in anticipation of your big announcement, which I won't jinx by guessing about. Holy hell.

maggie said...

bahaha i just laughed out loud in the library and got a death stare worthy of bea arthur (via dorothy) from the girl across from me. i told her to read 2birds but she was all "ohh, a *blog* mmmk." like ten minutes later she tried to stifle a giggle while staring at her computer screen. i'm highly suspicious…

congrats on the bronze!! this may be the only blog i read, but i can't imagine any others deserve the prize :)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Thanks guys! <3

Shauna (Fido and Wino) said...

Congratulations!

Also, I think Kraft singles are the best invention EVER.

Also, I hate yoga teachers who do the Yoga Teacher Voice: Noooooooooow, just relaaaaaaaaaaax, take a deep breaththththtthththththth. It makes me imagine slow motion karate fighting scenes and that is very distracting when I am trying not to fall on my head. :)

Studly said...

Congratulations on the award!

Also, this post made me laugh a lot. It just made my Saturday at the office a little less shitty.

Son-in-Law is great, but I still <3 bio-dome more.

Anonymous said...

I would like to say that due to the evening I had (shitty night at work, shitty fight with boyfriend, and coming home to a dog with a hyperactive bladder) and inspiration from your blog I did in fact go to my freezer pour out a simply tantalizing shot of Jager and cheersed my computer screen. So thank you Meg McBlogger this next Jager is for you.

-Millie's Mom-

Anna said...

bio dome is AWESOME. choo lose the pillow, choo lose the blanket!

MsK said...

Your unique blend of sarcasm, sardonism, and general bitchiness speaks to the essence of my soul. as someone who has recently sold her soul to corporate america thank you for brightening my would be dull and lifeless 8-5. fight on sister, fight on

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