11.12.2009

And the Moustache Battle Rages

Although I don't respect, understand or even tolerate my sister's questionable zeal for moustaches, I do appreciate her dedication to proving a point. She's thought of two new hot contemporary moustached men:

1.) Jude Law as Watson in the new Sherlock Holmes movie:


and

2.) Ned Flanders


...I hate to admit it, but she's starting to make an uncomfortable amount of sense. And I don't like it. This is my blog. Around here the ratio of hot moustached men to molestery moustached men should always swing towards molestery. It's time I level the playing field. So, Rebecca, I'll see your Jude Law and raise you a Rollie Fingers:

Yes, that's right. The Oakland A's Rollie Fingers. A name that sounds like exactly what he'll do inside of you. He's inspired me to name my future son "Statutory Fingerbang" because what's life without challenges?

Oh and hey Bec, remember all those Sweet Valley High books we had growing up? Specifically, remember #5, All Night Long? I sure do. Because I remember having to lock it in the bathroom at night for fear the cover model would come alive and ask me to play a game with my mouth that I can never tell my parents about:

I think that majestic golden tan and tidy little moustache speak worlds for themselves.

Score:
Becca: 2
Meg: 2

If you look in your court, Ms. McBlogger, I believe you will see there's a ball in it.

551 comments:

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md said...

as a moustachioed man, i'd like to enter in an argument as to why becca is correct:

Rollie fingers is from the 70s and that greaser from svh is from the 50s or 60s.

If those submissions are deemed admissible in this courtroom, it must be on the grounds that hotness is indeed a timeless attribute.

If that assumption is to be agreed upon, then i submit the entire cast of Tombstone.

Rachel said...

I call shenanigans on md. becca used Tom Selleck over and over in her arguments, as does she use cartoon characters. If those are admissible, then surely a 70s baseball player is.

James said...

"A name that sounds exactly like what he'll do inside you." Had me almost pissing myself with laughter. How've you been handling No-Shave November so far, Meg? Becca's probably in heaven.

Cass said...

SVH: Agreed. I read that one actually, and completely remember how that cover creeped me out. Such a time warp to see that this morning...

And Tom Selleck equals hotness. Doesn't matter how that deck is cut, HOTNESS.

Final opinion: Mustaches in moderation. Thankyouverymuch:)

Annie Wonder said...

Hang on, that is the most horrendous book cover EVER! I demand a plot synopsis!!

maggie said...

ahaha Statutory Fingerbang…haha

frankly, these 'staches all look terrifying. yes, even jude law loses points with that caterpillar on his face. if any man i know tries to grow a mustache before his fiftieth birthday, i will shave it off in his sleep…

Nicole said...

There's actually a really easy way to solve this debate since it's conveniently Movember and all sorts of men who have neither Ned Flanders' chest nor the bad assed-nesss of the cast of Toombstone are growing moustaches.

The simple question here is: when you see these men walking around the city, with moustaches ranging from 12 year old who's too shy to ask his dad for a razor to Teen Wolf, are you more often turned on or creeped out?

I think you'll find that on the average boy/man, moustaches are at best hilarious and at worst nightmare-inducing.

Katja said...

Ned Flanders?! Seriously?! Ew. How about the Beatles Sgt Peppers days? I can't decide if I like them with or without mustaches more.

Jules said...

I second Annie's demand for a plot synopsis. Is "All Night Long" as scandalous as the cover teaser suggests?? I know Jessica's supposed to be the adventurous twin, but jeez.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

If those submissions are deemed admissible in this courtroom, it must be on the grounds that hotness is indeed a timeless attribute.

I think Becca's trying to prove that moustaches are hot in today's society and I'm trying to prove that they're the creepy so she should stop trying to prove that.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

All Night Long:

Jessica Wakefield has charmed many guys in her lifetime. But she’s never met a challenge like Scott Daniels. And she’s determined to prove that she may be a junior in high school, but not when it comes to love. But when Elizabeth discovers that Jessica never came home from an all-night party, she panics. There’s only one way out—for Liz to pretend to be her twin. But she has no idea what she is getting herself into.

Lauren said...

All I can say is that maybe you're both right. Becca has pulled out contemporary examples, while you pulled out examples from the 80s!

Maybe all this really means is that the tide is turning for moustaches...in a really sexy way?

Grant said...

I think the entirety of latfh.com (Look at this Fucking Hipster) provides several points in Meg's favor.

Also: Diablo Cody is apparently currently writing the screenplay to a Sweet Valley High movie.

oh kate said...

you have to have the personality to go with the 'stach or else you will 100% come off looking like a chester. no bones about it.

Katie said...

I laughed out loud at "Rollie Fingers. A name that sounds exactly like what he'll do inside you." Then I wondered if I'm a bad person for laughing at that. Then I decided I don't care because that shit was hilarious.

Bobby said...

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2458/3562167547_d508124b02.jpg?v=0
That is all.

Anonymous said...

Does chuck Norris count? http://www.nineoverten.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/chuck_norris.jpg

L said...

latfh.com moustache gallery has me completely freaked out. I will have nightmares for days. I have yet to see a guy that is attractive with a stache, and therefore side with Meg. Back to the drawing board Becca. I will be huddled in my bed, surrounded by pillows with my lights on. thanks

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Omg. Why? On so many levels, why?

Patricia said...

Alright, I have a new mustache'd man to offer up for the debate. Pedro, from Napoleon Dynamite. He's cute in the, "I'm never going to get the girl" kind-of-way, and he does become class president, but I don't think that anyone here can consider him smoking hot.

JR said...

I have to order that sweet valley high book from amazon now... when you see me reading it on the metro - don't judge me.

JR said...

Plus, that dude on the cover reminds me of Freddie Mercury... but in a creepy way.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

mustaches are never ok. NEVER. They scream Meghan's Law.

Chris said...

Michael Phelps. In the off season. Porn stache. Tell me one person who wouldn't sleep with him and I'll tell you a liar.
http://images.nymag.com/images/2/daily/2009/06/20090615_pornostache_250x375.jpg

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Welp. Guess I'm a liar.

maggie said...

holy fuck that picture of micheal phelps legitimately freaked me out…

what. the. fuck.

md said...

i like jason schwartzman in darjeeling limited with a moustache:

http://hollywood-elsewhere.com/images/column/61507/darjeeling.jpg

right?

also, am so glad i'm on PST and when i get to work, that day's 2b1b post is already up. can't even begin to imagine what it is like to be at work on the east coast and actually need to begin the day's tasks without first having read such an unparalleled combination of wit and candor.

sincerely, thanks!

katie said...

Phelps is an ugly dork. but I personally have a bigger problem with goatees.

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna drop the race card... what, no love for the black man? I think every black guy I know has some kind of mustache. I'm just saying...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Black Men know how to keep a well groomed, non-threatening stash. And more power to 'em. White people, however and as per usual, don't know how to handle themselves and turn their faces into three-ring circuses.

In conclusion. Black People. Can I get an amen?

austin said...

Meg, I have to say: this post came at an awfully frustrating moment in my life. You see, a few of my buddies and i are competing in a nationwide charity event that raises money for prostate and testicular cancer research. How, you ask? Simple: we grow really awesome moustaches, and our overpowering masculinity coerces victims into donating money.

Sorry to out you, but I'll be back on the market in 2 1/2 weeks.

Anonymous said...

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9402893&ref=fp_feat_5

The delightful Mr.Moustache pillow comes with four interchangeable velcro moustaches (Fu Manchu,trucker,gentleman,& salt 'n'pepper!) and a clear plastic storage pocket on the back!

Chamuca said...

Kissing a dude with a mustache would make me feel like I'm kissing my dad.

Despite the fact I'm from a hick town, that grosses me out.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Meg, I have to say: this post came at an awfully frustrating moment in my life. You see, a few of my buddies and i are competing in a nationwide charity event that raises money for prostate and testicular cancer research.
I'll give you $50 to shave it and every other moustache around you. Right now.

austin said...

But it's for prostate and testicul...yeah, okay. You have a deal. Please make your check available to "Cash." It's my middle name.

Big Janer said...

I received this email from a coworker yesterday:

"I have decided to join a global movement that is bringing much needed attention to cancers that affect men. I'm doing this by growing a Moustache this Movember, the month formerly known as November. My commitment is to grow a moustache all November to change the face of men's health and I want you to join me in this effort."

Note: global movement. Meg, you may become outnumbered if Movember is adopted by widely-accepted "hot" men on a global level. I, however, will remain on your side...I don't particularly like moustaches and I refuse to PAY for a man to grow a moustache. They don't pay us to grow out our bushes for breast cancer month, right?

Big Janer said...

Sorry, austin. I reverse stole your thunder.

Amanda said...

I think you'll find that on the average boy/man, moustaches are at best hilarious and at worst nightmare-inducing.

so true... there's a (admittedly attractive) guy that worked at the coffeeshop next to my office who was the clean-cut hipster type. i hadn't seen him in a couple days but then i came around a corner and almost collided with him... and then had to mumble something awkwardly apologetic as i ran/ducked into the stairwell so i could crack up for 20 min about the freddie mercury-style moustache that had sprouted on his face in mere days. he's now had it for months and i still can't talk to him with a straight face, so i avoid him which is unfortunate because he's just so NICE.

jenna said...

my ONLY exception to facial hair is the avett brothers.

beautiful examples:
http://tinyurl.com/ye4qhwm
http://tinyurl.com/ycwpt5c

(check out their music too, it's incredible.)

RetroTrasher said...

hey anonymous-

I own this pillow.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=9402893&ref=fp_feat_5

also I have a ridiculous amount of mustache related shit (some which has been bought for me, most of which I bought for myself.)
I have no shame, mustaches are damn sexy.
Day before Halloween I tricked my boyfriend into shaving his beard off, leaving the mustache.
I'm a happy girl.
And I wrote a huge blog post about mustaches a while back
http://retrotrash.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-ode-to-stache.html
I do recall I said "Because a man with a goatee does not know where the clitoris is."

austin said...

Janer, what are you doing?!? I had her right where I wanted her...

lovenotestoself said...

Make it stop!!

I will give you Jude Law, but Ned Flanders + Phelps + all the other lame excuses for men who are really pedophiles do not apply.

And I'm as giving as anybody else, but even charity mustaches are highly discouraged. Think about the children.

Stephanie said...

HOW HAPPY AM I THAT YOU INCLUDED THAT SVH COVER?!?!?!
as happy as a clam. That book haunted me from my bookshelf at night, that mustache was everything wrong with the world. :(

Katja said...

Ugh Phelps looks like a tool with a mustache! You couldn't pay me to sleep with him, 'stache or not. Doesn't help I went to HS with him and know how much of a tool he is.

Anna said...

wow, i kind of want to read this book now...or you could just tell me how it ends.

Anonymous said...

I appreciate that this is a bit of a digression, but felt compelled to pass this on... Meg, if you're looking for a holiday gift for your mustache-loving sister, I have found it:

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=34403235&ref=cat3_gallery_20

I think it's the perfect gift for every mustache-loving woman out there (of which i am not one).

Caroline said...

So I've been looking around extra carefully for attractive guys with mustaches and beards and such since you've brought up this debate, and this is what I realized. Yes, I will see see hot guys who have various levels of facial hair, but I never find them attractive *because* of said facial hair. More often, I think, hm, there's an attractive guy--he can actually pull off the mustache/beard! And other times the facial hair in question makes an otherwise attractive guy look a little but gross.

So...can anyone think of guys who are attractive because of their mustaches?

Cassie said...

Hold the phone, Meg. Didn't you not-so-long-ago loudly and repeatedly proclaim your love for one mustachioed Ben from Ace of Cakes?

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Sloan said...

Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ac0TqU0EMQM

cait said...

i can't believe you have that all night long cover!!! my friend pierrette pointed out that the artist was obviously used to drawing teenagers and just added a moustache for that creepy older guy. also noteworthy: jessica is totally almost assaulted in this book and it is totally ignored and everyone is like TOLD YOU NOT TO GO TO THE BEACH!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Hold the phone, Meg. Didn't you not-so-long-ago loudly and repeatedly proclaim your love for one mustachioed Ben from Ace of Cakes?
Holy shit. That's a really, really good fucking call. I'm going to have to explore this at a later date.

i can't believe you have that all night long cover!!! my friend pierrette pointed out that the artist was obviously used to drawing teenagers and just added a moustache for that creepy older guy. also noteworthy: jessica is totally almost assaulted in this book and it is totally ignored and everyone is like TOLD YOU NOT TO GO TO THE BEACH!
a.) I miss you!
b.) RIGHT?! Most ridiculous book ever!

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Sprava ot menja lezhit sumka ot noutbuka, nemnogo potrepannaja, ved' ja
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Sejchas dopishu poslednij post i posmotrju skol'ko nazalivalos' na host.
Na kazhdom po dvenadcat' tysjach stranic. Dumaju jetogo vpolne dostatochno,
chto by cherez nekotoroe vremja bylo kak raz sto tysjach hostov v sutki. No
chto by podderzhivat' jetu cifru postojanno, nuzhno postojanno delat' novye sajty.

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