11.11.2009

T.G.I. Tulane Chris

Today is Veteran's Day. It's a Federal holiday. My office is closed. I should be doing what I do every other Federal holiday—alcohol and mini flags. But I'm not. Why, you ask? Because I had to come in to work today to help "clean out the back room." Not only that, I had to come in early to help "clean out the back room." That's right. It's currently 7:27 in the morning and I'm at work. Helping to "clean out the back room." I can't even touch how irritated I am with a 30-foot pole because if I did, I would absolutely start to cry. And I refuse to be That Girl crying in the bathroom at work. [Mostly because I've already been her. O hai New York!] So there's no post from me today. BECAUSE I'M BUSY CLEANING OUT THE BACK ROOM OF MY OFFICE AT 7:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING BECAUSE "THE FENG-SHUI IS OFF" AND WE SHOULD TAKE ADVATAGE OF THIS FREE TIME. Deep breaths, deep breaths...But I wouldn't leave you high and dry. Not today. Not on Veteran's Day. So, enjoy this Tulane Chris guest post. Thank God for Tulane Chris. He's like a reliable booty call. Except that booty call is also a genuinely quality person and you kind of want to date them. Except he's questionably gay. And by questionably gay, I mean absolutely gay. So I don't know why I'm booty-calling him in the first place. What? I don't know. It's early and I'm in charge of finding a peaceful place for the coffee maker. Thank you Tulane Chris for saving the day. Enjoy!

You know what pisses me off? Everything. You know what pisses me off about the two-party system? Everything, but especially when people assume that I belong to one, and that they know which it is. Most people, accustomed to multiple choice questions, hear “Texas” and think Republican and hear “gay” and think Democrat, much as they hear “Norman Invasion” and think “1066.” As a registered third-party member, all-around son-of-a-bitch, and smart kid, I view the major parties as having two primary functions: ruining the country, and providing me with targets.

Democrats aren’t good for much, but by God, great fun can be made of them. They’re better than Republicans for this for the same reason some kids get bullied more than others: they’re more likely to react in a satisfying way. Republicans don’t historically sulk much unless they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar – cookie jar is, of course, English for “some dude’s underpants” – but Democrats cry if you slam the door too loud. If you don’t believe me, imagine going to a Republican fundraiser. You shove Newt Gingrich, he shoves you right back. Call Libby Dole a cunt, and in a flash, her liver-spotted claws have grabbed a handful of cocktail shrimp and have thrown it in your face as she shrieks, “You’re the cunt! YOU’RE THE CUNT!” and Tom DeLay starts working your kidneys. Barbara Bush smells human blood and has her first orgasm since the 2006 congressional election. Bobby Jindal rips open his shirt with a howl, and before you know it a cannibal bacchanale has begun. A horrified Jenna Bush backs toward the door, as a heavily sighing Kay Bailey Hutchison takes a shot for the road and helps John McCain on with his coat. Faintly, you hear her say, “Oh, this again,” and him reply “Every damn time since the Ford inaugural ball,” as they slip away.

Now imagine you clean the shrimp off your blouse, pee out the blood, crawl away from Sarah Palin’s drunken embrace, and go to a Democratic fundraiser. Joe Lieberman and Arlen Specter are tentatively kissing in a hallway between the two event rooms; unable to decide which event to enter, they have fallen into each other’s arms. It is clear that Joe Lieberman will be the top. Call Nancy Pelosi something relatively innocuous, like “shrill old fart,” and watch the feathers fly. A shriek, another shriek, and – what the hell – another shriek, and she collapses sobbing into Harry Reid’s arms. “Look what you’ve done!” he hisses. “We spent millions of dollars of stimulus money on her self-esteem, and you’ve ruined it! We’ll have to print more now!” Jimmy Carter is so overcome, as usual, that he starts weeping right along with her. This sets off the Kennedys, who have formed an autistic hive mind since Ted’s death, and they begin screaming and banging their heads against the wall in unison. Michael Moore looks up, says, “It’s a conspiracy,” and continues to eat Kool Whip with a spoon while masturbating to a well-thumbed copy of one of his own screenplays. Hillary Clinton pretends to get a phone call and jogs out, calling out over her shoulder that Oz has invaded Atlantis. Her husband glares after her, abandoned. You feel a tap at your shoulder, and turn to see Barbara Boxer flanked by some of the more popular representatives. She announces that she has heard that you are a total skank who eats poop, and that you look fat, and that none of the cool elected officials will ever speak to you again, and you’ll be lucky to even get to hang out with appointed officials, so there! Your work done, you walk out as George Soros tries to get everyone to sit in a circle so everyone can share feelings and look at pictures of the Leader for inspiration.

See what I mean? A violent, drunken orgy is somehow more reasonable than a lot of emotions getting all over everything. (Full disclosure: I would TOTALLY have sex with Bobby Jindal. I bet he does everything, twice.) There is a secondary reason why I like making fun of Democrats better than I like making fun of Republicans, and that’s Jimmy Carter. I could say a lot of things about him; get me drunk enough and I doubtless will, but here’s the crux of it:In 1588, the Spanish Armada was approaching England with the intent of deposing the Protestant Queen Elizabeth and replacing her with the Catholic daughter of King Philip II of Spain (who, because everyone used to marry everyone else, was also Elizabeth’s former brother-in-law.) The English were outgunned and outmanned, and a desperate army was gathered at Tilbury, near the mouth of the Thames, to defend London against a potential landing by the army of the Duke of Parma, a Spanish ally. At this desperate hour, here is what Elizabeth said:

My loving people,

…Let tyrants fear… I am come amongst you, as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live and die amongst you all; to lay down for my God, and for my kingdom, and my people, my honour and my blood, even in the dust.

I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a king, and of a king of England too, and think foul scorn that Parma or Spain, or any prince of Europe, should dare to invade the borders of my realm…

…not doubting but by your obedience to my general, by your concord in the camp, and your valour in the field, we shall shortly have a famous victory over those enemies of my God, of my kingdom, and of my people.

That’s grace under fire. That’s one hell of a pair. Fast forward to 1979, when James Earl Carter, a peanut farmer from Plains, Georgia, president of the richest and most powerful country the modern world has ever seen, tries to cheer us all up:

I know, of course, being President, that government actions and legislation can be very important. That's why I've worked hard to put my campaign promises into law -- and I have to admit, with just mixed success. But after listening to the American people I have been reminded again that all the legislation in the world can't fix what's wrong with America. So, I want to speak to you first tonight about a subject even more serious than energy or inflation. I want to talk to you right now about a fundamental threat to American democracy.



The threat is nearly invisible in ordinary ways. It is a crisis of confidence. It is a crisis that strikes at the very heart and soul and spirit of our national will. We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for our Nation.

Jimmy Carter is the least majestic person in history.

38 comments:

Sarah P said...

Elizabeth did have big balls, and her speeches were ridic. Brilliance.

James said...

Poor Jimmy C. I'm a Democrat and even I can't take the guy seriously. Then again, I'm a Democrat like Dennis Kucinich is a Democrat, and if I lived in Vermont I'd try to work for Bernie Sanders.

Is it just me or is Tulane Chris scary smart and funny? Like you think, this guy's awesome! So awesome he makes me feel stupid and lame. Why are we friends?

Phoebs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Kuh said...

I heart me some Tulane Chris. And I heart me a political blog.

That is maybe the best piece of descriptive writing I have encountered in a long while. I felt the shrimp on my blouse. I could hear Nancy weeping. Great stuff.

I wish I could call myself an independent, but I can't. I tried to deny it for years. I am a democrat. *sigh* This shames me because my own party is full of such...pardon my french...PUSSIES. It makes my soul hurt. Truly.

Patrick said...

I'm surprised more people in the 20-30 age group aren't registered independents/3rd party supporters. I know so many of my people who just vote for Republicans or Democrats because they feel like their vote is wasted otherwise. I'm sorry, but I'm not voting for a Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich (thanks South Park) "just because."

I'm a "fiscally conservative and socially liberal" Libertarian to the core. I believe that our country is trying to do too many things that should be left up to free individuals and private businesses AND I'll establish my own set of values, thank you very much, without the government's help.

Anyway, GREAT POST. High five fo sho.

Maria T. said...

I think Tulane Chris is a genius. Reading this makes me proud to be an almost-registered third party member. (Almost because I am, unfortunately and unjustly, too young to vote.)

Anonymous said...

wow, Tulane is smart as shit... I'm impressed. Very.

Claire said...

This might be my favorite post ever. I mean, ever. In the history of any blog post I have ever read.

I am emailing this to everyone I know right now! Tulane Chris, be my new BFF!

(I am also from Georgia, and just thinking the name Jimmy Carter usually makes me spit fireballs. Thank you for so eloquently capturing every feeling I have for that peanut farmer.)

Anonymous said...

Was this supposed to be political or funny? I found neither.

Anonymous said...

Meg, those are my sentiments EXACTLY. all I wanted to do today was honor the veterans of our great nation by engaging in some socially inappropriate drinking. but nooooooo instead I have to wake up at 6 am so that I can be at work at 8 am, where I've spent the entire day so far sitting and googling randomly for my own amusement (not that this is any different from what I do everyday...) I work in a law office and last I checked all courts were closed today, along with the Post Office. so, dear bosses, what do you think that you're paying me to do all day? (other than switch to a different screen every time I hear your footsteps.) at this point, I'm kind of secretly hoping someone asks me to find a peaceful place for the coffee maker...
god I need a drink.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Yeah. Tulane Chris all smartz up my blog 'n shit. Back to boner talk tomorrow. Sorry, kidos.

Rachel C said...

Meggles, I am forever and always undeniably yours.. in the least (or hell.. the most) lesbian was possible.

No other blogger will ever have my heart!

Danny said...

Meg - tell your bosses that the only reason you have "all this free time" is because the office is closed for a holiday. Your job sounds like an M.C. Escher painting.

TC - Evidently I need to go to a Tulane GOP fundraiser. That sounds like the most badass party ever. I'm assuming they are also taking Jager Bombs the entire night.

Totally agree on Jimmy Carter. Worst. President. Ever.

DC said...

Also Meg, I think "kiddos" has 2 d's (deez).

<3,
(@)

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Oh my fucking god. Danny. You are my personal spell check/kick in the face and I fucking hate/love you.

(@) 4lyfe.

Anonymous said...

"Yeah. Tulane Chris all smartz up my blog 'n shit. Back to boner talk tomorrow. Sorry, kidos."

Hooray you know how to appeal to your demographic! I am working today as well, but I have meetings all day with MILITARY personnel. I don't know how that got worked out.

Meagan said...

Poor Jimmy. That man can't get no lovin'.

Anonymous said...

'Was this supposed to be political or funny? I found neither."

This is a place of love and support and funsies. :)

James said...

Hooray, funsies!!!!

Danny said...

I hope Anonymous is aware that you have to personally thank all military personnel you see for their service today. It's teh rulez. I am pretending to be asleep at the Pentagon Metro stop today.

Chamuca said...

Fucking brilliant, man. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Holla! Long-time reader with a quick question for Tulane Chris -

I've never read anything that suggests that the invasion was intended to put one of Philip II's own daughters on the throne of England, merely that it was intended to return England to Catholicism via invasion, especially after Mary's death in 1587.

So is this true? I don't want to be lame and ask for sources, but I'm a grad student! who works on the Renaissance! and am deeply chagrined that I didn't know this. And want to avoid making a similar mistake at future dinner parties where we get all up in each other's grillz talkin' about family drama in the Renaissance.

Katja said...

Lets smartz this blog up! No not for serious just justifying the nerdiness I'm about to unfold.

Dear 3rd Party Supporters,
As you have assumed, your vote is indeed wasted. As someone who is currently studying the Patterns of Democracy in 36 different countries (+1 qualifications), to be able to be in power in a country you need to appeal to the most people possible. The United States currently doesn't have very many cultural or religious divisions; if you think of countries that have multiple ethnic groups in majorities and multiple religions (Switzerland, for example) you can have numerous amounts of parties because your country is divided into so many different ways. You can have 5 parties that appeal to 20% of the population because your country is divided in 5 ways. The U.S. is not divided in such a way.

The U.S., for such a "cultural" country, is really not one that is divided among so many different interests. The majority of the people are Christian or Catholic; there are not enough Muslims or Jewish people to make a contending power to the Christians/Catholics. The U.S. has its fair share of minorities, but they are seriously in the minority and even if all minority groups came together and formed a party, they could never topple the Repubs or Demos.

What I'm trying to say is that we are a 2 party system for a reason. We aren't really that diverse. If you want to split the Democrats into, lets say, moderate and radical democrats, the democrats would lose every time if the Republicans remained as one party. Politics is all about power. If you want your Libertarian parties (don't even get me started on how privatizing everything is an AWEFUL idea) or Green parties or whatever to actually have a shot at the presidency, you would be taking votes away from another party. Neither the Repubs or the Demos (as in the people who belong to these parties) would want to risk losing power to the other major party to gamble with 3rd party. Think of Teddy Roosevelt and his Bull Moose party; he basically split the Republican vote with Taft which gave Woodrow Wilson the presidency. 3rd party is not effective. We are kind of stuck in out 2 party system until our country's people significantly change (Is there a hispanic party in our future?)

Anyway, end nerdiness; I like it when people understand whats going on instead of just attacking everything.

James said...

Hear, hear.

LP said...

I will be the one to stand up for Jimmy C. If only for the reason that he put up the solar panels on the White House (that Ronald Reagan tore off with his bare hands - just sayin'). He just didn't have that Bill C. pizzaz.

dontgetsentimental said...

This blog just got insanely intense. You kinda lost me when you mentioned a year that wasn't after 1983. And I studied politics. At Oxford. That smart place. And I'm not even bragging at all. I'm telling you that because I am actually so ashamed. 85% of the words in this post went right over my head. Soo, it's official. I watch too much South Park.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

QUEEF!!!!!!

There. Now we're all back down to my level.

<3

Patrick said...

Titties and beer.

Boom goes the dynamite.

Anonymous said...

propose a new party (what we at now in the US #98754895?)

i vote 2birds1blog fo lyfe!!!

Anonymous said...

I lovvvve you Chris-- I can sniff out a history geek all the way from Oklahoma. 1066 and 1588 references? It's too bad you're gay.

Christine said...

I'm right there with you. Growing up in a VERY republican family, I've actually had the opportunity to hang out with George H. W. Bush on several occasions, including a lovely tour of his boat, the Fidelity, when I was a kid.

The last time I saw him was at an event in Kennebunkport, during which everyone boozed their faces off and good old HDubs and I talked boats. Verbatim quote: "I now have the Fidelity III, and let me tell you, that sucker goes pretty fast!"

Though I'm definitely socially liberal, I'd say that hanging with the Bushes or balling out with the Reagans would beat the hell out of debating health care with John Kerry any day...

Anonymous said...

Asher roth loves college.

Elizabeth said...

I don't get it.. and I even went back to re-read after all these rave reviews. But, no, it makes my head hurt!

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