11.09.2009

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries

- Asher Roth's existence is so unbelievably funny to me.

...........................Yep. That's it. There's the punchline. I can't really expound on it much more, suffice to say that to me, Asher Roth is like someone getting hit in the groin: universally laugh-out-loud funny, every time. Or, in SAT terms:

Asher Roth: Meg
as

Han's Moleman's Man Getting Hit by Football: Homer:

I've done some soul-searching to figure out what it is about Asher Roth that I find so comical, but I can't figure it out. It's not like I think his "rhymes" are that clever or he's so charming and hilarious in his interviews. I honestly think it's just because he loves college. [Please know that I just cracked my own shit up writing that last sentence. And it's not even funny. It's just simple a fact. Asher Roth loves college. Man gets hit in groin. Lolz^infinity.] After everyone left the Halloween party last weekend, Teresa and I literally sat around my apartment for a good 45-minutes, just drunkenly eating pizza and taking turns saying "Asher Roth loves college" back and forth and cracking up. We're like the Bevis and Butthead of Asher Roth jokes. And again, I use the term "joke" very loosely. And oh my god, and have you ever seen Asher Roth's myspace page?! It's like the Taj Mahal of Yo-Boy. Picking my favorite part would be like picking my favorite star in the heavens. But, I can give you my top-3:
3.) The background picture is a sepia photograph of Asher Roth using his laptop on the John
2.) His PR person's email address is dana@biz3.net
and 1.)
And if you only do one productive thing with your day—call that number. Mr. Roth definitely opens by reminding all of you who got way too high on 420 to "cop" his new album and absolutely closes with the phrase "peace and love yo." You also have the option of forwarding the Asher Roth hot line information to a friend with your personal message. And after a few Kirkland Signature brand Amber Lights last night, that's exactly what I did. Although, when I tried to enter Teresa's number (thanks to my Costco induced buzz) I consistently hit one number off for all 10 digits. So someone with a 351 area code will be getting an interesting message from the Asher Roth hot line this morning with a preamble by Meg McBlogger featuring some uncomfortably out-of-context cancer jokes. And you're welcome.

- I want to do a cover of Asher Roth's "I Love College" and call it "College was Mediocre."

"That paper I wrote last night was awfully wordy, wish I'd had more time to edit
Hit up Subway, watched some Lifetime, skipped my book discussion cuz I ain't read it
Made a terrarium in Bio that was sick, free ice cream in the dining hall so I take a lick
Pass out at a reasonable hour, wake up in time to take a shower
Man, college was mediocre."

- I had dinner with my parents a few nights ago and my mom (being the wonderful human being that she is) slipped me 40-bucks across the table before we left. After thanking her profusely, she looked at me uncomfortably and said, "Just...please buy something healthy with it. Maybe a fruit or a vegetable? It's like when you give money to a homeless person and you know they're just going to end up buying alcohol with it. It's so disheartening." Frankly, I'm not even mad. Because that was a truly humorous and appropriate comparison, and good for her for making it.

- And speaking of getting fucked up, I opened my door last night and found this waiting for me outside:

I am one-part sketched out and three-parts extremely interested.

- Taking mass quantities of anti-depressants is a great thing, because, you know, I don't want to kill myself on a daily basis and such. However, it can also suck. Specifically because I can't cry. I haven't cried in a solid seven months. And sometimes in life you just need a good, cathartic cry. And I don't mean this in like a "OH LOLZ! My life is so perfect I can't even find something to cry about! POOR ME!" kind of way. Because there's plenty of material to cry about—I just physically can't. Which is unbelievably frustrating. I have actually sat myself down with depressing material for the sole purpose of having a good cry more times than I care to count. Because after hours and hours of Trainspotting and Eternal Sunshine and documentaries on blood diamonds, I can't work out a single damn tear. Last Friday, however, I finally cried. So what could have been so traumatic that it could break the seven month cry-seal? Golden Girls. Season 6, episode 9. "Mrs. George Deveraux," featuring Sonny Bono and Lyle Waggoner. I shit you not, that's what did it. Blanche's late husband returns claiming he faked his own death and right when Blanche decides she's ready to take him back in her life, she wakes up—it was all a dream. George is still dead and Blanche is left clutching an empty pillow, looking around her bedroom, alone and confused. I swear to god, my throat closed, my chest tightened and suddenly there was a wet substance streaming down my face. I was crying. And then I remembered the tragedy that was Sonny Bono's passing and started crying harder. And then I remembered that Bea Arthur is totally dead and cried even harder than that. AND THEN I remembered that Rue McClanahan was recently hospitalized and it was all just fucking over. I turned on Rufus Wainwright's version of "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother," took a hot shower and cried my fucking face off. Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors be damned. So Mr. Deveraux—t
his Jäger's for you.

- I'd like to leave you all with a friendly public service announcement: if your company has a graphic designer (or a "graphics person" or "graphic artist," as you probably call them), don't make them design stuff for your kid's school. Just don't do it. I know it makes sense because they work for you and you want to look like the #1 Class Mom, but please, don't make them do that. It's so unbelievably offensive. Because we didn't coke ourselves out and stay awake for days on end and memorize the subtle differences between 500 typefaces to design the logo for your son's football phone tree. It's like asking your dentist friend to pick a piece the lettuce out of your teeth after lunch. So please, for me, don't do it. Thank you.

30 comments:

James said...

Asher Roth is a walking punch line. I was going to see him at Lollapalooza but I was hammered by 5 when he went on and I think I enjoyed a slice of pizza and a short nap in the shade instead. My friend Kris said his set was awful. But, he is, in fact, a Rolling Stone magazine "Artist to Watch." Yeah, watch and point and laugh.

Also... yay, crying? Not sure what the proper response is there. Someone need a hug?

Francesca said...

i have what some may call an unhealthy obsession with the golden girls for a 24 year old girl, but i grew up with them, and old ladies are hilarious. this episode absolutely shocked and horrified me the first time i saw it, and led me to openly weep. a lot. when i "need to cry," i will often slip on the last disc of the 7th season of the show and just close the door because i will scream-cry at the top of my lungs. it's a beautiful thing.

Sarah P said...

Wow. Am I really the first one to comment here? I did research for this comment and everything.
Oh. Wait. Am I supposed to write "FIRSTIES?!" I'm having such a douchey Perez moment. Fantastic.

Asher Roth = Twist from The Fresh Beat Band. Swear to Blog.

You probably don't know The Fresh Beat Band because you are still young and have weekend night plans that don't involve renting something "On Demand" and deciding whether or not to butter the popcorn. In other words, you don't have 2-year-old twins.

But, I do, so I know the funky freshness that is The Fresh Beat Band.

The lovable hipster, Twist, is an obscenely tall white guy who's down with it. Or maybe cool like that. He's Asher Roth.

Go here: http://www.nickjr.com/playtime/cats/video/index.jhtml?playlistid=100979

Video #9 will give you a good feel for his overwhelming funkiness. #3 will reverse all positive effects of your SRI, leaving you to writhe on the floor screaming about how people could possibly bring children into this dark, dark world.

You're welcome.

Sarah P said...

Sorry. #2 is the one proving the Armageddon is near. Not #3.

And by the time I was finished writing the novella, I was no longer the first commenter. Awesomeness all around.

Anna said...

-i think asher roth is adorable
-you know my feelings on blood diamonds
-my palms are sweaty

Lydia said...

I have to say my favorite parts of his mySpace are his false modesty and pretentiousness.

Exhibit A: "To answer your questions, yes I'm skinny, yes I rapped 150 bars to Jay-Z in his office on the spot, yes I have porn on my computer, yes Scooter Braun found me rapping in my dorm room and signed me as the first artist to SchoolBoy Records off of myspace, yes I throw keg parties every Sunday, and yes Steve Rifkind (Wu-tang, Akon, David Banner, Big Pun, Loud Records, SRC, etc. etc.) calls me the "best lyricist he has heard in the last 10 years." Thank you Steve, I'm not very good with compliments, but thank you that means alot big guy. Funny thing is I'm not even a rapper. See me."
For someone not good with compliments, you certainly have no problems listing them on your page. And really, you're not a rapper? Then what the fuck do you think you are?

Exhibit B: "When I'm not rhyming I find time to purchase rare kindergarten art off ebay. As I was recently enlightened that it portrays the soul in its purest form."
There is literally nothing I could add to this to make it more hilarious.

Exhibit C: "Special hello to the ladies especially my heavyset honeys. Can I get a soul clap!"
I bet that burns the next day...

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Also... yay, crying? Not sure what the proper response is there. Someone need a hug?
No, I swear I'm good! I just needed a cry. Like how you need a good stromboli sometimes. Or a rowdy drunken night.

Asher Roth = Twist from The Fresh Beat Band.
I'm not sure which thought to go with, so I'll go with all 3:
1.) I had no idea Asher Roth could cut a rug like that.
2.) If that black man is really playing the trumpet, then I'm a virgin.
3.) Asher Roth loves college. And reasonably comfortable pajamas.

Holy blood diamonds.

Anonymous said...

Having met Asher Roth before, and having had him in my DC college apartment, I can say he is a great time. Funny kid. His entourage completes his humor as well, Brain Bang (Brian Langley) and Boyder (Tom Boyd). Spending nights with them at the Jersey shore is always a guaranteed good time.

ps - I am 24 and know the fresh beat band from my babysitting days, and I agree that Asher and him share resemblance. Hysterical.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dude. Use your Jersey Shore connections and get Asher Roth to come to Jager Ball!

Man, I love connections.

Anonymous said...

I shall try and try to use the connections. I am FB friends with them after all. But these days, what's an FB friendship worth? Nada...

Caitlin said...

i am a graphic designer. my boss owns (among other things) her sons school. i spent 3 hours last week in china town buying trinkets for all the children in the school. NOT MY JOB!

Anonymous said...

do we know where the cocaice book came from?? or is it a gift from the drug education gods above?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

My friend Meli from design school recently had to make a logo for her boss' kid's tree-house style club. I'm not kidding. She forwarded it to me and I laughed about it for days on end. Until today, when I was tasked with designing Boss #1's son's football phone tree. Wasn't really funny after that. Sigh........

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

do we know where the cocaice book came from?? or is it a gift from the drug education gods above?
Fuck if I know. I did start reading it last night and it was heinously boring. Anyone want a super educational book about Cocaine? Should I save it and make it a Jager Ball giveaway?!

Stef said...

I generally think of myself as a person knowledgeable about the rapping world. However, I had to wiki Asher Roth.

Also, how about when Sofia, Rose & Blanche come to the realization that Dorothy is actually gone after the wedding in the final episode? Now that's a tear jerking moment.

what the f said...

Son of a bitch...you can't cry either? Jesus. These anti-depressants are keeping me alive, but I barely feel human without having my ability to bawl like a big fat baby.

what the f said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
amber said...

I used to be a tearless zombie, and then a friend sent me a CD loaded up with contemporary country music. That shit is SAAAAD. Retarded kids, alcoholic dads, dead moms, it's brutal! I'm not suggesting a genre to you, I HATE this music, but it produces the water works STAT. Good luck with your tear ducts!

http://www.sowhatyourefamous.comm/

Wiggs (The Beholder) said...

My SSRI I took when I was 20 made me a zombie, too. I quit taking it because...well...I was really only taking it to get over a nasty breakup.

That said, here's what will make you cry: the first 20 minutes of Up. Saddest first 20 minutes I've ever seen. If you need MORE crying after that, try Rudy, Beaches, and Terms of Endearment. OR you could watch the new Christmas Carol which made mah husband cry like a little bitch. (I just thought it was creepy, but there you have it)

Sarah P said...

I'm pretty sure that trumpet doesn't even have keys. I think it's a bugle.

Meli said...

I have made logos, banners, and posters for a pumpkin sale for my boss' kid. I'm glad my expensive college education got me such an honorable career. Luckily though I can cry my heart out about it.

heather said...

meg, i could use that book, and i'm 89% certain i'm coming to the jager ball. please and athankyou.

Leigh said...

Re: Not being able to cry on happy pills. I ran out of my Rx sometime last week, and being the disorganized drunken mess that I am, I didn't get refills in time. Fast forward to five days off meds, and I find myself crying at wedding Hallmark cards in CVS. Not. Pretty.

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Anonymous said...

very useful read. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you know that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Hey! fantastic topic, but will this really work?

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