So Jäger Ball, huh?
I know, right?!
When is that again?
This Saturday night!
Oh, you mean Town, the popular homosexual dance club?
No. Although that's a fine establishment. But I mean Town Tavern in Adams Morgan. 2323 18th Street.
Oh that place is the tits. What time is this happening?
Oh, so I can roll up at 10:45 and be fashionably late?
Ooof. Yeah. No. You should really come on time so you can take full advantage of the super-fun drink specials that will be going on between those hours. And so I don't have a heart attack at 8 when I think nobody's coming.
Yeah...but there's nothing cool about being prompt.
Normally I'd 100% agree with that statement, but what if just for Saturday night we pretend that being prompt is the coolest thing since hula hoops and crystal pepsi?
Tell me more about these drink specials you speak of.
$3 domestic bottles! $3 mixed rails! $8 domestic pitchers!
Oh shit, that's legit.
I know right? I had myself at the p-word.
Speaking of pu—
Please just call it the p-word.
Speaking of "the p-word," me and my friends will only come to Jäger Ball if we have a shot at gettin' some. Do you have hot, single friends we can hit on?
Oh my god, yes.
Single guys and single gals?
And gay guys?
Totes! And single ladies who love single ladies! Whatever you're shopping for—I got it. I'm like the Costco of sexual experiences.
Do you regularly whore out your friends to complete strangers on the Internet?
More than you'd think.
Oh totally. I predict at least two pregnancies as a result of Jäger Ball. Shotgun Godmother.
Here's the thing: I have a work function earlier that night that I should really make an appearance at, so I'll try to stop by, but I'm not making any promises.
Wow...and I thought we were getting along so well. Look, I don't need your attitude. We've all got work functions to go to. We all have to make appearances at various things that night. But you do what you have to do to get yourself to Jäger Ball. My parents have to go out to dinner with work associatas earlier that night. Do you know what they're doing? Bringing their work associates to Jäger Ball. That's how a professional does it. Take note, son.
Oh shit! Will Evie be there?
No, she's under 21.
Oh so you have to be 21?
I mean, it's a bar.
But my 19-year-old sister is an avid reader of your blog and was looking forward to hanging. That's sort of fucked up.
Well then, your sister should get herself one hell of a fake ID or meet me at the park with a 40 afterwards and we'll hang.
How will I know who you are?
I'll be in an elegant, yet discreet half-mask carrying a single red rose, looking coy in the corner. HAHA. Just kidding. I'm the mediocre-looking pale chick with black hair and huge hooters handing out LIMITED EDITION 2birds1blog Jäger Ball stickers. Can't miss me.
How will I know who other 2b1b characters are?
Um, mingle? Slash 2birds people will be wearing name tags.
Wait, let me get this straight. Not only are you whoring your friends out, you're also putting name tags on them?
Yeah...I don't know why they're friends with me either.
So will Co-Blogger Chris be there?
Yep! And Tulane Chris, Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie, Becca, Alex, Helena, Andrew, Anna, Jill, Talia, Laura, etc. etc. etc!
Look Meg, I'm going to level with you.
I live in DC. I read your blog. I want to go to Jäger Ball because it sounds like the most fun any human being will have in the history of having fun, but I think the idea of going to a blog meet-up is a little lame. I just don't want to be That Guy.
I get that. And I'd probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes. However, I'd like to think my friends and I are cool people and we just want to hang. What if you think of this less as a "blog meet-up" and more like a party your friend is throwing?
Yeah, but that's the other thing—I don't actually know you. I feel like a giant creep-show rolling up and being like, "Uh hi, I read your blog. Let's rage."
Why? It was my idea. I want to meet you and say thanks for taking time out of your day to read my blog! If you're creepy then I'm creepy. And I'll admit I'm a lot of things, but creepy isn't one of them.
Positive. Seriously. Not creepy.
So should I just like, go up and talk to you?
I mean, that would certainly help me out. You know I'm a little bit Aspie's. Although hopefully by then I'll have a fair bit of Jäger in me and should be uncharacteristically outgoing.
Ok, another thing I have to be completely honest with you about...
When I read your blog, I have this image in my mind of what you're like. I'm afraid meeting you is going to ruin that image and my 2birds1blog experience will never be the same.
Yeah. I mean, the odds are fairly good that I'm not going to be 100% exactly like what you're imagining, so I guess to a certain extent, yeah, that's totes going to happen. I don't think it has to be a big deal though. Maybe just readjust your mental image slightly? It'll be ok. I'll just shove some free shit in your face and you'll be happy as a clam.
So you're outing your real identity for a night, huh?
Aren't you afraid this is going to lead to you losing your job?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Well...are you taking any preventative measures so you don't?
No. No, I'm not.
Wow. You're really banking on Jäger eventually sponsoring you, aren't you?
I don't know if that's the best ide—
Shhh...Don't talk about it.
So, I'm still not 100% convinced I should come.
Besides drink specials, what can you offer me?
Um, did I mention the free LIMITED EDITION 2birds1blog Jäger Ball stickers that we'll be handing out?!
Yeah. You did. Besides those.
Um, amazing games of beer pong and flip cup? A team of Jägerettes just rarin' to load you up with free shit? And depending if I can get a mic and/or bullhorn, we might play a round of 2birds1blog trvia for your chance to win really, really cool shit!
Please just go with it.
Ok. I'm convinced. I'm in.
One more thing...
I went to high school with you and while I know you well enough to be your facebook friend, I haven't said word-one to you since graduation. Would it be weird if I showed up?
Oh my god, no. Seriously. I can only think of two people from high school I wouldn't be completely psyched to see—Dana P. and Jessica P. of The Grudge fame. So unless you're either one of them (and I'm assuming you're not since you read my blog) I'd love to see you!
Um, I am Dana P. and/or Jessica P.
Don't you think it's a little pathetic that you haven't let go of something that happened in middle/high school?
And is it really necessary to write about it on your little blog here?
You had your chance to make it right. You just chose not to. Unique decision. Now suffer.
LOLZ. Just kidding. I'm neither Dana P. or Jessica P.
GOOD. Because I was about to e-shank you.
So, I officially can't come to Jäger Ball, but my friends and I are having a satellite party.
That's awesome! Make sure to take pictures and send them to me!
Cool. How do I get at you?
Do you actually check that?
I mean, I sit here staring at the computer with absolutely nothing to do all day, what else am I supposed to do?
Is that why you follow people back on Twitter at such an embarrassingly fast rate?
Ok, well this was fun.
Remind me again why you're doing this whole Jäger Ball nonsense?
Because we need a sponsor to keep the blog going and growing. We have some pretty cool ideas about where to take this place in the future, but we can't really make that happen without some help. That's where Jäger comes in. They've got the money and we've got the livers. I say we make an even trade. We just have to show them that we're a force to be reckoned with. Give them the old "Suzy Soro Treatment," if you will. Plus, we just love you guys and want to party with you! Is that so wrong?
Nope. See you Saturday!