3.31.2010

Thoughts I Couldn't Flesh Out Into Full Entries...

- First things first: I am so sorry about Monday's Ghost Post. My bad, you guys. My bad. Except it totally wasn't—it was the Bolt Bus' bad. I took an early Bolt Bus back to DC Monday morning after spending a lovely weekend in New York. (Yes, I had to go to New York the weekend Chris finally moved to DC. Then Chris sold his watch to buy me a hair comb but I sold all of my hair to buy him a watch chain. Gift of the Magi is so hot right now.) Although the ride back wasn't nearly as gut-wrenchingly hungover as the bus ride there on Friday morning, it was still pretty rough.

Because I hate No Post Mondays just as much as you, the first thing I did when I sat down in my bus seat was crack open my laptop and get to work on a mediocre post. And write a mediocre post, I did! Seriously! I wrote, edited and formatted an entire blog post! It was about how it was a "Road Post" which made me think of road head and how road head fascinates me because I never thought people actually did it until one summer when I totally saw a couple doing it while I was driving home from work and I freaked out and asked everyone I knew if they'd ever done it was mind-boggled to discover that not only had most of the people I'd asked done it, but they all had comical stories about it; thus giving me the million dollar idea to write a compilation of road head stories called Head on the Road (PATENT PENDING! IDEA & TITLE COPYRIGHT OLNEY ELEMENTARY PRESS & 2BIRDS1BLOG PRODUCTIONS!). So, yes. That was the post. Like I said, it was mediocre at best, but it was a post nonetheless.

Towards the end of writing it, I had definitely felt better. I wasn't lying—the second I sat down in my seat, I took out my laptop and started writing. Which means I completely neglected to take off the 5,000 layers I put on while waiting for the bus in the freezing rain. So there I was, typing away in the tropical 85-degree weather of the bus wearing a wife beater, sweatshirt, cardigan, pea coat, scarf, fingerless gloves and small Inuit man hugging my torso under my pea coat but over my sweatshirt (aka first and a half base) for good measure. I was sweating like a bitch but couldn't take any layers off because I was precariously balancing a cup of coffee on my laptop, my laptop on my lap and my right foot was keeping my shitty laptop charger from sliding out of the outlet and leaving me three minutes of battery life. (Oh, I'm sorry Ava Cutrone. Some of our mommy's won't buy us much needed Apple products despite the fact that we're unemployed writers and not sixth graders who sit around pining for breasts all day. GAWD I HATE YOU AND YOUR MACBOOK PRO AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!!!!!!1)

In addition to not feeling well from the extreme heat and the vicious cold I had been fighting off all weekend, I was also beginning to get seriously nauseous from typing on the bus. I get motion sick watching Deadliest Catch, I don't know why I thought writing on the bus would be a good idea, but there I was; clacking away. I just love you like that—it's my cross to bear. Sigh...

Thankfully, my stomach was comforted by the fact that all I had to do was hit "post" and I could put everything away, peel off a few hundred layers and curl up for a much needed nap. So I hit post. Nothing happened. Hmm. I allegedly had a strong Bolt Bus wireless signal so it should have went through. I hit post again. It loaded. It loaded. It loaded. And then loaded some more. I sweat. And sweat. And coughed. And then sweat some more. I hit the refresh button. My cursor turned into the dreaded spinning beach ball of doom. Then, to make matters worse, my phone rang. I forgot to put it on silent so the entire bus got to listen to my ringtone (Alex screaming "BATTLE ROYALE!" in a pompous British accent over and over again...I regret nothing) for a while I searched all 5,000 layers for my phone while simultaneously trying not to spill my coffee/knock my laptop over/let my charger slide out. When I finally got to my phone, I didn't recognize the area code calling, so thinking it was someone calling about a freelance writing gig, I answered it. (HA HA, so young and full of hope. I am adorable.) Turns out it was just a loan collector calling about a late student loan payment. Which, according to my calculations, is the exact opposite of someone calling with a freelance writing gig. I let the debt collector get as far as, "Hi Ms. McBlogger this is Heather calling from Key Bank about your studen—" before I blatantly hung up and checked the progress with the blog. This was as far as it had progressed:
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My body temperature rose another 10 degrees. I decided to take a few deep breaths, calm down and wait a few minutes for the wireless signal to get stronger. Once it did, I hit the back button on my browser to go back to the post I had written.

IT. HADN'T. AUTOSAVED. A. SINGLE. WORD. OF. IT.


And that's when the wireless signal went out all together.

I swear to Christ, it took everything in my power not to stand up, grab my computer by the screen, walk back to that tin can filled with Windex and broken dreams they call the "toilet" and bash that mother fucker on the seat over and over and over again into tiny little pieces before flushing it all over I-95. Instead, I opted to let out a defeated little "GEH" noise from deep within before angrily slamming my computer shut, shoving it in my bag and taking off every god damn layer I was wearing until I got down to the sweat soaked wife beater and looked like I was competing in a one-woman wet t-shirt contest. But truth be told, I just could not have physically cared less at that point. I was livid and hot and felt like shit and COULD NOT BELIEVE IT WASN'T AUTOSAVING THAT ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKING TIME. GEEHHHHHH!!!!1

So, that's what happened with Monday's post. The only thing that survived Bolt Bus' half-ass wi-fi connection was that cocktease of a timestamp and this gif image I uploaded to wish all of god's chosen people a happy first evening of Passover.
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Which still stands. Happy Passover!


- I get emails from readers all the time asking me for advice. I find this laughable because if there's anything you should have learned about me from reading this blog, it's that I do
not have my shit together. I'm not entirely sure why anyone would ever want advice from me about anything not involving what to wear to a Dynasty-themed costume party or how many naps are in a dollar, yet, people do. I get asked everything from blogging advice to "I'm in 7th grade and my BFF is mad at me, what should I do?" to "What should I have for lunch?" and everything in between. (The answers, by the way, are: your middle school friends are like wide-legged jeans: once you reach high school you won't want them anymore and you'll be embarrassed you ever had 'em, so don't worry about it; and a $5 footlong from Subway. Obviously.)

Everyone needs a random schmo to turn to for non-biased advice. As someone who's been in therapy since 6th grade, I get that. Christ do I get that. And I'm honored anyone would ever want me to be that random schmo, but I'm just not sure how much I trust myself to help anyone out. I mean, I'm unemployed and currently watching Buffy pantsless at 2:09 in the morning. Am I really the person you want life advice from?

I wrote a blog post earlier this month about how I suck at PR and as a result, I got a bunch of emails from kind PR professionals in the area looking to help me out. As completely touched as I am by each and everyone of them, I decided to put my blog marketing efforts on hold for a while while I tried to figure out what to do about a job. However, one young PR professional didn't take no for an answer; she had all of her (many) friends repeatedly email me and tell me me what a fuckin' idiot I was if I didn't take advantage of what an amazing publicist their friend was. 20 emails later, I thought, "Welp, this is annoying ::strokes imaginary beard:: ...and I like it. This girl's got moxie!" and agreed to go out for a drink to discuss marketing strategies.

As I've discussed before, it's kind of hard for me to open up to people. I'm a little guarded and rarely discuss major problems in my life with even the closest people to me. Phone conversations with my mom routinely end in "Now, is this one of those times when you say everything's OK but then go be secretly depressed somewhere, or is everything really OK?" That being said, what was supposed to be a quick drink with Amy the Publicist about marketing strategies turned into me pouring my little heart and soul out to her for a solid 4 hours straight about everything. The blog, my writing, New York, DC, friends, dudes, family—everything. She was incredibly easy to talk to and had amazing insight and advice about everything I brought up.

"You give really good advice!" I told Amy.

"Yeah, that's kind of my deal," she told me. "People always come to me for advice. Truth be told, I've always kind of wasted to be a relationship advice columnist. Do you know who Dan Savage is?" UH YES. I was two steps ahead of her. The wheels were turning. (Albeit slowly. I had had a few.) Amy is my long-lost advice Twin! The yin to my yang. The rational to my irrational. The experienced to my "Ooo! Yikes. Good question..." So I proposed she write an advice column for 2b1b and she was, thankfully, all about it.

So now, we need you. Got a question you want my badass lesbian publicist to answer? Ask "QUEER ABBY", 2b1b's new weekly advice column! She'll tell it to you like it is and then I'll throw in some of my ridiculousness for good measure. Maybe we'll even get Co-Blogger Chris in the mix?? Your gender, sexuality and all that junk doesn't matter. This is an equal-opportunity advice column. Ask her which frat you should join. As her about your weird polyamorous
girlfriend's boyfriend. Just ask. Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com. If we publish your question, we'll use your first name and last initial, so if you're not hip with that, make sure to let us know you'd like to be anonymous. I'M EXCITED. Amy is gold and my advice somehow always includes "tell them to go fuck themselves." It should be good.

QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com

- I was filling out my Census form the other week, because I think we both know I'm the living, breathing embodiment of a perfect American, and I got hung up on question #8:
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I know picture is a little blurry, so to clarify, the question is Is Person 1 of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?
Yes, Mexican, Mexican Am., Chicano
Yes, Puerto Rican
Yes, Cuban
Yes, another Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin...

I very sincerely had to read the last option like 50 times because I kept reading it in the entirely wrong inflection in my head. I kept reading, "Yes, another Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin," as if it were like, "Yes, just another god damn Hispanic, Latino or Spanish person" and not like, "Yes, [I am of] another [meaning of a different variety of] Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin."

I was seriously about to call my mom and be like, "Uhhh...did you see question #8 on the Census? The government's getting kind of ballsy about the Latino community, huh?" until I read it more carefully. HA HA, oh ADD. You sneak up on me in the most interesting places.

- Speaking of racism, you know what sucks? I have a tendency to like the most offensive flags possible. No, seriously, I really do. It all started back in 1988 when I was just a wee little Meglet an
d Cry Baby was one of my favorite movies. (Looking back? Highly inappropriate.) (Also, my favorite song? Lou Reed's Take a Walk on the Wild Side. Also highly inappropriate. I remember on my first day of kindergarten, my dad sang it to me but changed the words to, "And all the BIG GIRLS IN KINDERGARTEN GO—" and I gleefully did the doo-doo-doo's. You can imagine how traumatized I was when I actually listened to the words years later and realized the special song my dad and I share contains the lyrics, "she never lost her head, even when she was giving head." God damn hippie parents...) Anyway, in the scene where they go to Turkey Point, there are Confederate flags everywhere and I distinctly remember being like, "OO0OO0O! I LIKE THOSE FLAGS." Ever since then, I've had a soft-spot for Confederate flags. I like them a lot. PURELY AESTHETICALLY SPEAKING, of course. It's kind of unfortunate that they're associated with KKK rallies, cousin-fuckin' and Deliverance.
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You know what's even more upsetting? I have secretly always wanted a Confederate Flag bikini.

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There it is. The embarrassing, redneck truth. It's bad; I know. I'm always secretly hoping someone will throw a theme party where it'll be appropriate to wear one so I'll finally have an excuse to get one. It would also be perfect to wear lounging around my apartment, overdosing on Tylenol PM. Unfortunately I don't think my friends are ironic enough to throw a "FAVORITE SYMBOLS OF HATE POOL PARTY!!!!!!" ...Or are they?

I brought up my unfortunate love of Confederate Flags at a dinner party a while back and it led to a discussion about which country has the best flag. My vote? Saudi Arabia, HANDS DOWN. If there is anything more simplistically beautiful or badass than the Saudi Arabian flag; I would love to know what it is.
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The green, the white, the sword, the beautiful Arabic script...Aces ten.

I have a little mini American flag stuck on the lamp on my drafting table in my apartment. It's right across from my bed so I stare at it a lot when I'm trying to go to sleep. One night I decided I should get another mini-flag to stick on the lamp going in the other direction to balance it out, but which flag? I immediately thought of the Confederate Flag, but what with the signed Ron Paul photo Anna got me and the McCain bumper sticker and signed photo on the fridge, things are getting slightly too Limbaugh in here for my liking.

So then I thought, oh! The Saudi Arabian flag! It's so pretty! But Dan informed me at the dinner party that the pretty Arabic script says the Islamic declaration of faith and I already have a brass sign in my apartment that says "welcome" in Arabic. What's the problem with that, you ask? Um, hi. I got tattoos and my mom decided it meant I'm a "prison dyke." What do you think she'll assume if I have a Saudi Arabian flag and an Arabic welcome sign? That Jew likes to overreact, bless her heart. I'd like to stay off the no-fly list, thanks just the same.

So then—I swear to god—I decided I should get a mini Gadsden flag. I've been a fan of the Gadsden flag ever since I did a project on it in the 4th grade Revolutionary War unit. I thought it was incredibly cool that Maryland was part of the sectioned "Join, or Die!" rattlesnake. Because I was kind of lame and didn't have friends, clearly. But still! A Gadsden flag! It's yellow and black, has a woodblock image of a snake on it and says "Don't fuck with me." In so many words. And it's a throwback to our ye olde forefathers and the Revolutionary War! How could I offend anyone there, right?

Wrong. Rewind to two weeks ago.
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WELL, THANKS A LOT YOU FUCKING TEA PARTY WEIRDOS. Thanks a lot. You took the god damn Gadsden flag from me. HAPPY NOW?! I can't find a god damn flag that isn't associated with Extremists, Klansmen, Islam or fucking Tea Party weirdos. Frankly, I'm kind of fine with being an extreme Islamic Klansmen, but a member of the Tea Party?! Feh. No thank you.

Back to square one. What about Fiji? It's got a lion and bananas; that's kind of badass, right?
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Although given my track record, the International Society of Skull Fuckers will announce that they've adopted it as their new flag tomorrow. Callin' it right now.

46 comments:

Harriet Olivia said...

The Welsh flag has A DRAGON
Amazing!

Patrick said...

+1 for the Welsh flag.

Being of Welsh descent, I wholeheartedly agree. Although, I also dig the Gadsden Flag. Tea partiers don't own it. Just like the KKK doesn't own the Confederate Battle Flag. The Klan uses an upside down American flag too, ya know?

Of course, I own all of the above. Don't worry though, I don't drive around a huge truck with them flying in the bed or anything.

Kerri said...

ah, Meg.

Patrick said...

I am not a member of the Klan. Just throwing that out there. I'm also not a registered Republican. Also, just throwing that out there.

Not that those two are one in the same or anything.

Stephanie said...

I say get one of each flag that you want. Cause while just one flag signifies a (possibly creepy & mother-alarming) allegiance, more than one says what? I collect these. They're cool. Wanna trade?

also, for reals, you would not like the confederate flag if you lived in the south. Where people still fly it. And not because they just like the design. But because they're convinced the south actually won. (& I'm not saying I don't like the flag or the south. Goodness knows I like me some south. Born & bred. I also had a bracelet with beads in the flag design, but that was before I realized it could cause heated exchanges about slavery, racism, and a long-lost cause.)

Elliot said...

Don't worry, we're gonna stick with the Djibouti flag.

-Elliot
Executive Vice President
International Society of Skull Fuckers

ryan said...

http://kottke.org/09/10/the-best-flag-in-the-world


you're welcome!

Anonymous said...

OMG you must organize a Dynasty-themed costume party immediately!

jessie said...

Oh my dear Meggles do I have the game for you.

Go on Facebook. Search Apps for the GeoChallenge game. En-freaking-joy my friend.

Brittan said...

ryan just blew my mind.

Ros said...

Virgin Island's flag quite literally depicts the spread eagle...Just sayin'..

Although, I do hold a soft spot for the Rorschach test glory that is the Albanian flag. It's like a mini psych test.

Courtney said...

Clearly, you need to just invent your own badass mother fucking flag and fly it proudly from a hat when you go out.

Wait, what?

Jess said...

I nearly died reading this post. Totally made up for the lack-of-post yesterday, and honestly, God bless you for attempting to type on the Bolt Bus. I would have vomited on my computer almost instantaneously. Anyhoo, It seems we share a similar taste for flags. Some of the other colonial flags are cool. Like the old school American flag with the circle of stars or 76. I also like the Maryland flag.. Theres a lot going on in that flag, but it looks cool.

LP said...

A number of the Canadian provincial flags are pretty badass. See: Quebec, Nova Scotia, British Columbia, Manitoba. I would say Nunavut, because their coat of arms has a narwhal (!!!) on it, but they put an inukshuk on their flag instead of the coat of arms.

And now I'll just retreat back to the Great White North.

Sabri said...

"ask "Queer Abbey?!"
best column ever!!

Bonnie said...

reason to wear a confederate flag anything? a 'merica party.

Abbey said...

Sabri- I like your spelling better than Megs. ;)

And Meg, the confederate flag love is nothing to be ashamed of. Hell, I kind of want that swim suit.

Gills said...

On the issue of the Confederate Flag bikini, the only place I've ever worn mine (don't hate the player hate the game) was to a 4th of july white trash bash, it paired perfectly with the pregnant belly and wife beater i liberated from my campuses theatre costume shop.

So, you just need to have yourself a little nascar bbq or white drash ball and rock you a reb flag bikini. Get it girl!

molly said...

basically all of the texas flags are impressive, but this is my fave. direct. to the point. could be interpreted sexually. so pretty much perfect.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Gonzales_Flag.JPG

Anonymous said...

The Falkland Islands flag looks like it was drawn by a 10 year old. Just saying.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flag_of_the_Falkland_Islands.svg

That Kind of Girl said...

Dude. DUDE. What's with all the flag coveting? You're from Maryland! Y'alls have the greatest flag of any state in the union!

Check yo'self, dude.

Anonymous said...

My high school's mascot is the Rebel Man and we waved the Confederate flag high at every football game. Oh to be from the South...

Casey said...

Didn't you say in a post a while back that you wanted to move to some weird country because you liked their flag? I forget what it was called though and I don't feel like looking through the archives... but what about that?

Also, if people ask DR. REUBEN for advice, you can feel safe offering your advice to others knowing that it will never be as god-awful as his.

Zuwena wa B-town said...

http://sleevage.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/mozambique-flag.jpg

mozambique has a hoe, an AK-47, and a book on it. if you want to go bad-ass, i'm just sayin...

Kristin S said...

I totally understand! My friend had a white trash pool party and I jumped at the chance to purchase and wear a Confederate flag bikini.

Grant said...

I agree with those who suggested Maryland. The best thing about being from that godforsaken state is how awesome the flag is.

Mollie said...

Hi Meg!

It was great to meet you the other night at the Best of DC thing...sorry to get all Omgomgomg FAMOUS PERSON on you! Yes...I am that pathetic...and proud.

And I forgot to say (which potentially would have left you slightly less creeped out) that I am the Mollie of NatGeo...so yeah.

Way to draw the line at Tea Partiers!

Veronica said...

Have you ever seen the movie "Shag"? Bridget Fonda's character wants to compete in the Myrtle Beach Beauty Contest and does this whole dance routine in a Confederate Flag bikini. Awesome movie!

Ali G said...

as a jewish girl from potomac who went to emory university, i was very sad when my friends would not allow me to purchase a confederate flag towel while at spring formal in panama city, florida. it is with this sentiment that i cordially invite you to the first annual "Favorite Symbols of Hate Pool Party."

date: whenever my parents open their pool.

time: tbd

attire: confederate flag bikinis, KKK robes, horns

Anonymous said...

if your publicist's name is Amy then why is her new column called Queer Abby and not Queer Amy? am I missing something here?

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, you obviously are missing something, maybe your brain...it's supposed to be a play on the famous advice column "Dear Abby"

Andrew said...

What about the Canadian flag! Everyone loves maple trees (hmmm maple syrup). Besides anything related to Canada cannot possibly be offensive to anyone. Least potentially offensive country/flag ever

Santa Chiara said...

Two things.

#1) I am ridiculously excited that you have a guest advice columnist named Queer Abby.

#2) I'm kind of jealous that that guest advice columnist isn't me.

Will you do a contest or something soon where people can submit their own stories and you pick the one that is the 2birds1bloggiest? Oh please oh please?

austin said...

I have a Confederate Flag tattoo on my back between my perfectly carved shoulders. It's a burden, but it's always ready to party.

As for the flag debacle, I say you stop fucking around, take your own advice and string the beautiful Antwerp flag up that cutting table.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_fm1oa3qF5EA/StMLmPMALjI/AAAAAAAADcU/AbXtrQazvU0/s1600-h/a96845_Antwerp.gif

Good Lord, I just got motion sickness from looking at that thing.
De Nada. Austin, Out.

LB said...

So the PR girl begs ang begs you to take her advice and she winds up with a gig on YOUR blog? Damn. She is good.

Victoria said...

You could always go with the only national, non-rectangular flag that exists. It says: I'm wayyyy to cool to be rectangular like all the other losers...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flag_of_Nepal

Anonymous said...

I was just about to say go with Nepal, but just saw the post before me... it's the only non-rectangular flag. Can't get better than that

Sophia said...

fuck flags. use a condom wrapper.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

The Welsh flag has A DRAGON
Valid, but I'm not a fan of the colors.

ah, Meg.
Hi!

I am not a member of the Klan. Just throwing that out there. I'm also not a registered Republican. Also, just throwing that out there.
Totally trying too hard = you have a white power tattoo. Calling it now.

also, for reals, you would not like the confederate flag if you lived in the south. Where people still fly it. And not because they just like the design. But because they're convinced the south actually won.
Ah yes, the Battle of Northern Aggression...

Don't worry, we're gonna stick with the Djibouti flag.

-Elliot
Executive Vice President
International Society of Skull Fuckers

Thanks Elliot!!! I knew I liked you guys.

http://kottke.org/09/10/the-best-flag-in-the-world
Badass, yes, but aesthetically pleasing? 'Eh. It's no Saudi Arabia. I'm just saying.

OMG you must organize a Dynasty-themed costume party immediately!
Shit. I mean, just come over on any given Saturday night and it's done.

Go on Facebook. Search Apps for the GeoChallenge game. En-freaking-joy my friend.
What's a facebook app? I thought iphones had apps?? WHY AM I AN OLD WOMAN?? WHERE'S MY HEARING AID?!


Although, I do hold a soft spot for the Rorschach test glory that is the Albanian flag. It's like a mini psych test.
I find the red troublesome.

Clearly, you need to just invent your own badass mother fucking flag and fly it proudly from a hat when you go out.
Oh my god. I really, REALLY need the Adobe Creative Suite again. God damn getting fired...

I nearly died reading this post. Totally made up for the lack-of-post yesterday
Chris posted yesterday!

A number of the Canadian provincial flags are pretty badass.
I like Manitoba's flag!

"ask "Queer Abbey?!"
best column ever!!

I'm so excited!

reason to wear a confederate flag anything? a 'merica party.
4TH OF JULY?!

And Meg, the confederate flag love is nothing to be ashamed of.
Are you sure??

n the issue of the Confederate Flag bikini, the only place I've ever worn mine (don't hate the player hate the game) was to a 4th of july white trash bash, it paired perfectly with the pregnant belly and wife beater i liberated from my campuses theatre costume shop.
I'm so jealous, it physically hurts.

basically all of the texas flags are impressive, but this is my fave. direct. to the point. could be interpreted sexually. so pretty much perfect.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Gonzales_Flag.JPG

Ooo, I like it! I like confrontational flags, apparently.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Flag_of_the_Falkland_Islands.svg
HAH. But it has a scroll!

Dude. DUDE. What's with all the flag coveting? You're from Maryland! Y'alls have the greatest flag of any state in the union!
GOOD FUCKING POINT! And thank you for recognizing!

My high school's mascot is the Rebel Man and we waved the Confederate flag high at every football game. Oh to be from the South...
Oh man. I should have transferred there. AESTHETICALLY SPEAKING!

Didn't you say in a post a while back that you wanted to move to some weird country because you liked their flag?
ANTWERP! YES! Also a good fucking call!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

mozambique has a hoe, an AK-47, and a book on it. if you want to go bad-ass, i'm just sayin...
Hmm, those are the same pillars of my own beliefs. But the colors throw me off.

I agree with those who suggested Maryland. The best thing about being from that godforsaken state is how awesome the flag is.
GODFORSAKEN?!!?!?! GRANT? WTFUCK? I will have you know that I just typed out a very cruel joke at your expense but ultimately deleted it because I'm from Maryland and have class, sir.

Hi Meg!

It was great to meet you the other night at the Best of DC thing...sorry to get all Omgomgomg FAMOUS PERSON on you! Yes...I am that pathetic...and proud.
Oh my god, please, I'M sorry I thought you were talking shit about me and almost took it outside. <3

Have you ever seen the movie "Shag"? Bridget Fonda's character wants to compete in the Myrtle Beach Beauty Contest and does this whole dance routine in a Confederate Flag bikini. Awesome movie!
HOLY SHIT, YES!!! Wow, my childhood was full of pop-culture Confederate Flag references...odd.

as a jewish girl from potomac who went to emory university, i was very sad when my friends would not allow me to purchase a confederate flag towel while at spring formal in panama city, florida. it is with this sentiment that i cordially invite you to the first annual "Favorite Symbols of Hate Pool Party."

date: whenever my parents open their pool.

time: tbd

attire: confederate flag bikinis, KKK robes, horns

It's already in my google calendar. Despite the date being tbd. THAT'S how excited I am.

What about the Canadian flag! Everyone loves maple trees (hmmm maple syrup). Besides anything related to Canada cannot possibly be offensive to anyone. Least potentially offensive country/flag ever
My grandmother was killed when a Maple tree fell over and crushed her. Thanks for reminding me, asshole.

(Bahaha, jay slash kay.)

#1) I am ridiculously excited that you have a guest advice columnist named Queer Abby.
Me too! I hope people have questions!

Will you do a contest or something soon where people can submit their own stories and you pick the one that is the 2birds1bloggiest? Oh please oh please?
Yea man! I'll keep it in mind!

I have a Confederate Flag tattoo on my back between my perfectly carved shoulders. It's a burden, but it's always ready to party.
AUSTIN. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! If so, I am making you go shirtless the entire time at Danielle's wedding. TRUE STORY.

So the PR girl begs ang begs you to take her advice and she winds up with a gig on YOUR blog? Damn. She is good.
Shit, right? Did I get swindled? If so, I'm not even mad; I'm just impressed.

You could always go with the only national, non-rectangular flag that exists. It says: I'm wayyyy to cool to be rectangular like all the other losers...
Nepal...you would.

fuck flags. use a condom wrapper.
I would need to get a condom first. To which I have one word: Recession.

Anonymous said...

not to get all history geek (dont hurt me Chris) but the confederate flag is actually not the "southern" flag it was just the flag of one of the armys (TN to be exact). the real confederate flag is the stars and bars. damn you 4th grade history in south carolina.

Anonymous said...

confederateflagbikini.com would seem to satisfy your need for the rebel swimsuit, but anonymously

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