3.04.2010

THE AND!

So, I'm spending the night at my parent's house tonight because I have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to drive me and my mom to Falls Church (ugh, Virginia) tomorrow morning (today, for you) for round two of wedding dress shopping with Becca. Don't get me wrong—I'm totally excited and honored to help her pick out a dress, it's just that this newfangled "morning" everyone speaks so highly of makes me uncomfortable. Plus to make matters worse, I downed a venti latte and a few mugs of tea after dinner, so now instead of getting a good night's sleep like I should be doing, I'm tweaking around the house like a crack addict, harassing Evie to be my BFF4LYFE. But the good news is she's totally agreed! If agreed = bit the shit out of my hand and scuttled under a couch like a surly crab. Damn that saucy minx. She is good.

I decided the best thing to do would be to go into the living room and browse the McBlogger
family library to find a good book to tucker me out. Instead, I found something far more interesting:


What you're looking at here is the cover of a book I wrote when I was 8-years-old called
The Chicken Boy, "published" by the Olney Elementary Press in 1993. This book, sadly, is the only Meghan McBlogger work published to date. WHO SAID I COULDN'T GET A BOOK DEAL?! This book is a shocking look into my own 8-year-old psyche and I'm not entirely sure I like what I see. Sit down and let me tell you the tale. The tale, of a Chicken Boy.



[Notice I dedicated this work to my cat Sibley, R.I.P. Why? Because I love her. Any other questions, smart ass? Thought not. (AND WHAT?!)]


Once in California there was a 18 year old boy named Chicken Legs.

[I like that I made him
of age. I also like that he lives in California. You know I picked it because in my 8-year-old mind that was a "cool state." Remember that part of the song Fifty Nifty United States that goes, "North, south, east, west in our calm objective opinion (insert your state here) is the best!"? I distinctly remember we'd always be all badass in Music class and sing California instead of Maryland because Maryland has crabs and California has Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know why I'm telling you any of this. Moving on.]




He was a nerd.




He wanted a girlfriend.

[To this day that's how I imagine adult relationships. Just walkin' around all day with Balloons that say "LOVE". And I want it. Bad. Gush!]




He tried bumping into them.




But all they say is sorry.




So...he decided to pump some iron.




He worked out for weeks.

[Four, to be exact. Also, how come I keep drawing absurdly oversized nipples on this kid? And who develops protruding veins in their cheeks? What fetish did I have going on there?]




And when he bumped into girls they said more than sorry.

[Whores...]




He worked for weeks and he could pick up a table.

[This is also still my litmus test for strength—can you, or can you not pick up a moderately sized coffee table? If so, inquire within: meg@2birds1blog.com Bonus points for oversized nipples and a veiny face. Me-ow.]




He was in many heavy weight competitions.




And he won first place.

[I see I hadn't mastered the art of illustrating the illusion of overlapping yet...]




Then it came the night of the prom and he had lots of dates.

[BIG. BOOTY. HO.]




SERIOUSLY MEG?! THE
AND??? God damnit! I made AN mistake and none of my teachers corrected me. How tragic. "The And".........Jesus Christ. I was a cute little Meglet but not the sharpest coffee table on the showroom floor.

So, basically speaking, The Chicken Boy is a story about a guy with low self-esteem who overcompensates by working out and becoming a Juice Head, thereby giving him easy access to all the fat-assed whores he can handle, right?

This begs the question...Does anybody else find it extremely disturbing that I was essentially recapping episodes of Jersey Shore at 8-years-old? A good 17 years before the show even aired? I genuinely don't know whether to be impressed or concerned. For the sake of my own sanity, I choose impressed.

THE AND!

(PS: In my bio under "What I want to be when I grow up," I wrote "model." HAH! Model...semi-anonymous blogger...they're sort of synonymous, right? RIGHT?! Actually, don't answer that.)

59 comments:

Natalie said...

so...i too am up late haunting my house and decided to re-read today's post in the safe space that is my bed so i could laugh out loud (unlike at work, where i thought i'd crack a rib holding it in) and lo and behold THE AND!

you're a visionary...or some sort've psychic witch or something - either way, HI-larious!!!!!1 good luck dress shopping - it's like your own real live say yes to the dress episode!

and on a semi-cornball note - i know self-deprecating humor is your schtick, but you should really know that you bring an immeasurable amount of joy to all your readers. clearly you have had some unfortunate things happen, but unlike many people who let their misfortune make them hateful, you use yours to make us laugh...and seriously - thanks Meg. you're gonna land on your feet kiddo...

Angie said...

Tears literally streaming down my face; abs are sore. This was a great distraction amidst the bleak reality that is organic chemistry and 8am lab.

Funemployment is benefitting us all, you've been bringing the LOLZ big time this week.

Nino said...

I am sick with some awful cold and I am reading this and laughing so hard that I am coughing/choking dying because it cracks me up so much!!

Bethie said...

You were such a hip 8 year old! Anything I wrote at that age had to do with made up adventures of my pet bunny rabbit. I love this.

Anonymous said...

Ok luckily all my coworkers are not in yet because I was cracking up. Your 8 year-old self was awesome.

Sarah said...

Um, you very clearly wrote that he lived in Californin (sic).

Also, during the story, I thought, "She loved the Jersey Shore years before it aired." And then I was impressed by your self-awareness.

Tina said...

One of the best entries to date.

If this isn't proof that you NEED a publishing deal, I don't know what is.

Talia said...

HAHAHAHH! you know what else is on that shelve, the "Pepper" you stole from a poor fellow classmate in third grade b/c you wanted to show you were a good artist to RVR and Diane. BAHAHAH

nothing is better than wee little meglet stories

Talia said...

P.S. I have told the ladies at the dress shop to have freshly cut apples for you so you don't punch them in the face.

Patrick said...

I wrote a story when I was about 8 that was basically a remake of the movie Short Circuit. You know..."Johnny 5 is ALIIIIIVE!"

Yeah...that movie. It's probably the best thing I've ever written.

jen toppe said...

talia, good call! i think your readers would all benefit from the story about how you stole that pepper and told your parents you made it. tell it!

Chicken Leg said...

Yeah, not only did you clearly write "Californin," but you also said his name was "Chicken Leg." LEG! "Once in Californin there was an 18 year old boy named Chicken Leg." Which is awesome.

Anonymous said...

I too am really glad that none of my coworkers are here yet, because i am crying and can't breathe right now out of sheer joy. Love the early morning posts and they just keep getting better and better! Just when I think I know where you are going you surprise me and throw out a gem like this one. But now I have nothing else to look forward to the rest of the day, unless you update your twitter, which I stalk just as frequently.

Tine said...

I'm so bummed that this is your only story! I want a sequel... who does he take to prom? Is it the blonde with the oversized pink sweatshirt?

Margo said...

I LOVE the Ludacris lyric tag on this post- laughs!

Ashley said...

Oh gosh! LOL!! Chicken Leg=Magic! Pure Magic! How lucky are we that you stumbled across this in the wee hours?

Kristen said...

Great Post! I used to always end my mad up stories with "The And" too.

I wrote a story in first grade which my teacher shared with my parents at parent teacher conferences that said: "There once was a man and woman who wanted to baby so they went upstairs and did it. The And"

My parents were beyond embarassed.

Anonymous said...

I just googled the fifty nifty united states song and it comes up as by RAY CHARLES. Really?

I still sing that song, but only when drunk.

I like that you said "in our calm objectionable opinion." LOL "objective opinion"

Hails said...

dear lord, it's time for a trip to my folks house to unearth "The Cat Killer."
a "mystery" story I wrote when I was 10.
My sister did me the kind favor of drawing a picture of a dead cat with all of it's guts torn out as the cover.
I did not win the book award that year.

Anonymous said...

bahahahhahaha

*deep breath*

bahahahahahaha

not that I should talk, I think I wrote a story about a fridge when I was 8.

Lisa Mahapatra said...

O.M.F.G! I just got home, completely bummed out, from a SHITTY day of work and now I think I just peed my pants a little, I was laughing so effing hard.

Chicken Leg!!! bwahahahahaahah!
Big booty ho!!!

Meghan McBlogger, I officially LOVE YOU! Favorite blogger EVER.

Hmmm, maybe I should get fired too, it's working out pretty good for you!

Anonymous said...

ohhhh mannn aint commented in a minute but this is too much -- i am giggling at my desk like a school girl. haaaalarious. the and.

L said...

I am dying. I thought "Jersey Shore" as soon as Pepperoni Nips started pumping iron and being veiny. Is there going to be an anniversay addition of "Chicken Boy" being printed any time soon? Perhaps a book signing?

Grasshopper said...

oh wow, i can't believe that other schools taught "50 nifty united states"!!! i learned that when i was in elementary school too! only we said "massachusetts is the best..." which is kind of a mouthful.

Stephanie said...

Oh my god, this is the most charming and hilarious thing ever. This blog is too funny to exist in real life. I feel like that's all I can say about that.

Chase said...

Oh this is the best!! LOL!

Pendleton said...

You have inspired me start a blog where I will scan and post my own youth masterpiece, "Tomorrow the Hog," the gripping tale of a vampire pig who unleashes terror upon a town inhabitated only by children apparently. SPOILER ALERT! He turns out to be a nice hog, in the end.

This must have been during my bunnicula fandom phase.

Anonymous said...

My abs hurt. I am laughing so hard and trying to contain it. Maybe you wrote "The And" because it was such a cliffhanger at the end.

Anonymous said...

OK, is the boy supposed to look like a chicken? His arms sort of look like wings, but maybe that was just due to your 8 year old drawing ability? :)

greg said...

Focusing solely on the "Fifty Nifty United States" reference (about which my brother texted me, "2b1b references 50 nifty united states today!")...

Our copy of the song read "North, south, east, west, in our calm objective opinion [name of homestate] is the be-est of the."

WE thought we were badass by singing "name of homestate" instead of saying California. Nothing like the humor of 60 catholic 6th graders!

Sarah said...

You do know that because of this amazing story when you get the many many book deals that will inevitably come your way you must ALWAYS end with "The And" right?

Also, just wanted to say that I seriously bust out laughing randomly while reading your blog every single day at work - so thanks for being you...awww shucks

TinyDancer said...

Meggles, I say the world is overdue for a sequel... Chicken Boy: Part Deux. Why was he called 'Chicken' Boy exactly? Perhaps the wonderfully-drawn 'veins' were feathers?

Helen said...

I love the fact that your parents have kept this wee gem for future McBlogger generations to enjoy. My mother threw out all my writing and sketches when she moved house (after I'd moved out, admittedly, but that's besides the point) and I've never forgiven her.

Sloptart said...

Isn't the boy's name "Chicken Leg"? At least I think that's what your 8-year-old chicken scratch (...get it?) dictates, and it would be way funnier.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

and seriously - thanks Meg. you're gonna land on your feet kiddo...
Aw, that's so sweet! Thank you very much.

HAHAHAHH! you know what else is on that shelve, the "Pepper" you stole from a poor fellow classmate in third grade b/c you wanted to show you were a good artist to RVR and Diane. BAHAHAH
Franky still brings that up...awkward.

P.S. I have told the ladies at the dress shop to have freshly cut apples for you so you don't punch them in the face.
Pretty much couldn't love you more.

But now I have nothing else to look forward to the rest of the day, unless you update your twitter, which I stalk just as frequently.
I get self conscious about my Twitter updates! They're not funny. They're just like, hey. I'm eating capers. I'm retaining salt. #fat

I like that you said "in our calm objectionable opinion." LOL "objective opinion"
So many fucking errors in this post. Sorry guys. Normally I like to write in the cracked out wee hours of the morning and edit before posting at 9, but this morning I was busy dress shopping. I SUCK.

Oh my god, this is the most charming and hilarious thing ever. This blog is too funny to exist in real life. I feel like that's all I can say about that.
Wow, thanks!

Anonymous said...

I'm feeling slightly more confident about my publication "The Valentine's Tooth." I was also 8. Sigh.

Catherine said...

I am almost crying. I just love you. More Little Meg stories please!

Patrick said...

I have to comment again now that I've gotten and home and can see the pictures. Your ability to spell "weight" when you were just 8 years old is impressive.

No joke, I have to correct someone, who has been working for the government for 25+ years, at least once a week on how to correctly spell "weight".

Anonymous said...

Meghan McBlogger! Do not do this to me! I am sick right now, and every time I laugh I have coughing fits, and OH MY GOD, i couldn't stop laughing and therefore coughing and now i'm stuffing cough drops in my mouth, but I keep thinking back to Chicken Legs's veiny leg and it starts all over again. hahahaaa. i love you so. I wish you weren't semi-anonymous so I could find you on facebook and we can start a weird fb chat bestfriendship where we always promise to visit each other someday.. someday.. but then we age, make real friends, and delete our facebooks, lose touch, but then run into each other 30 years in a grocery store in Vermont and after shuffling side to side saying "sorry..no, you go left, i'll go right. no right.. your right, my left" we realize who each other is and start a real friendship and live happily ever after.

ALSO. Have you seen ificandream.com??? because i feel like you may appreciate the fact that this is a 24/7 reality show constantly streaming the inside of these wannabe actors/musicians house.

Breadwinner Wife said...

Oh my word, this had me laughing out loud at work. People were looking at me funny. This was such a hilarious post. I did a book like this in third grade too - mine was about a teenage girl who stole $2000 from her mom to buy a leather jacket. Very heavy stuff.

Stef said...

Two things:
1. When I read you were in Virginia, I turned to my family and said, "Ohmygod, this blogger I love is visiting Virginia too! Just like me." They did not seem to share this interest.

2. So, speaking of being published. I'm all for NaNoWriMo and doing it all legitimately, but. As long as you submit some collection of words that totals more than 50,000 before hte deadline, they will give you a code for a free proof of your "novel." From there, you can sell copies on Amazon and whatnot. But you didn't hear that from me. (It's in November!)

Claire said...

that was simply precious meglet<33

Anonymous said...

The best thing about this post was the ludacris refrence tag!

ashzilla said...

My Jersey Shore DVD got here the other day. I can't wait to watch it! :D That is too funny you were recapping at age 8...

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Caitlin said...

So don't ask a lot of questions about this, but due to Snowpocalypse my roommate and I got bored and set up a JDate account... Anyway, JDate wants me to date someone whose screen name is JewDaCris.

patty punker said...

who knew enormous nipples could be so hawt on a boy!

SogniSorrisi said...

This post is killing me. Classic.

Anonymous said...

Damn it all Meg, I hate you so much for getting the Fifty Nifty United States song stuck in my head (I was Montana, a deeply embarrassing state). I hate you and will never forgive you because it always takes me like a week to forget it again!

(except that I totally love you...keep bringin' the lolz)

Living and Loving in L.A. said...

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

I thought I was the only one who remembered 50 NIFTY UNITED STATES!!!

This just made me love you even more. Also this explains a lot.

EPat said...

FUNNIEST BLOG TO DATE! I have tears rolling down my eyes. Hilarious!

Design Darling said...

i just found your blog via a link to this post and it was everything i hoped it would be and more. viva chicken boy... this was pure gold.

Boomka said...

I love looking back at my childhood literature. We had to write this piece once on what we were worth (a frightingly seemingly innaprope thing for a 2nd grader to be writing but whatever) and I think I said something like I am worth a lot because I am tall. I guess I didn't think i had a lot of other redeeming qualities. But ya know what, being in my mid 20s and dating, I realize, yea being tall IS an asset. Who knew how wise I'd become? Probably nobody.

Jess said...

GTL for life!!! Oh, and I live in California...we are def. the coolest state. Thanks for making me crack up.

Taylor K said...

Holy Shit. I've never met ANYONE else who knows the fifty nifty song. I feel even closer to you know. Creepy.

Lori said...

Absolutely side splitting, knee slapping hilarious. Seems like you've got a good thing going here - you should definitely explore the possibilities of a sequel.

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