[Note from Meg: Just wanted to take a minute and thank you guys so much for making us WashingtonCity Paper'sBest DC Blog of 2010! Becca, Alex and I had so much fun last night at CP's Best of Party (some of us got drunker than others...then had to get on a bus at 7:30 this morning to go to New York...and perhaps almost vomited on strangers...it was rull touch and go for a while...I'm looking at myself here.) Nonetheless, we are totally honored and love you guys a shit ton. Don't ever forget it.
Before we get to Chris' Friendship Application, there's one friend I'd like to check in with who needs no application or introduction. It's T.G.I.Hagman baby!
As of 12:43pm on March 26th, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive!SO ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR, GET YOUR HAGMAN ON THE FLOOOR. Gotta, gotta get up and get down. Gotta, gotta get up and get down. Oh my god, please stop. (Done.) And now without further ado, I present to you Chris' completed 81-question Friendship Application.]
I am writing to formally request your friendship. I came across your friendship several years ago and am very interested in becoming your in-city best friend. While I do not currently live in the DC metropolitan area, I am relocating there within the week. I feel that I have all of the qualities you are looking for in an in-city best friend. I'm a motivated self-starter who works well under pressure. Oh wait, wrong cover letter. I'm a relatively lazy guy who will only get out of bed for a solid Bloody Mary and brunch situation, followed by openly people watching in a public arena. I'm well versed in talking you down from ledges or freezing you out of bed in the mornings. Some of my interests include: freestyle raps about inanimate objects (boiled hot dogs, bottle of lube, et al.); crepes, crepes, crepes; pony play; and Hottie Timtern, to name a few. Currently, our friendship exists mainly through Gchat and explicit text messages. I would like to bring out friendship out of the world of technology and into the world of real....ology. Please find my completed friendship application attached.
Official Application to be Best Friends with Meghan McBlogger Please answer all questions in detail honestly and to the best of your ability
The Basics 1. Name: Chris "Gingerballs" McBloggy 2. Age: 24 years young 3. Gender: Male 4. Hometown: Weymouth, MA 5. What is your Twitter name? @misterlizlemon. Because I aspire to be more like Liz Lemon in my every day life. 6. Quickly tweet something really, really nice about me. Done and done.
7. What did you tweet? "@2birds1blog has a great rack." 8. Are you on Facebook? Um. Kind of. 9. If so, poke me for good measure and take a screen shot to prove it. See attached. Except I'm slow and couldn't screen shot the first poke. So I'm sending a screenshot of my attempt a second poke. Apparently Facebook has a one poke rule? What if I like to poke multiple times? Prudes...
10. Are you, or are you not a known Ginger? They don't call me "Gingerballs" for nothing. Although I'm gonna be real upfront with you, I wish I was more ginger-y. But it would be so weird if I showed up to work with a full on head of ginger hair. And no soul.
11. Do you, or do you not burn very easily at outdoor swimming pools? I burn very easily near: incandescent light bulbs, open flames, hair dryers, toaster ovens, curling irons, children's finger paintings of the sun. So yes, outdoor swimming pools are sunburns waiting to happen.
12. Are you a gender queer and as a corollary, will "gender queer" ever not be one of my favorite phrases in the entire world? Fact: I had to urban dictionary what "gender queer" means. No, I'm definitely a guy. I think you and I both know that. Re: the corollary, I plan to work "gender queer" into your wedding toast in one way or another. Because I know how much joy that will bring you.[What about GINGER QUEER?!]
13. Where in DC are you moving? This is a trick question.
14. If that was a trick question because you are actually moving to the wilds of Northern Virginia, where in Northern Virginia are you moving? I will be living in Arlington, VA. Specifically Rosslyn. Bigups to the Arlington rap. "Just try and mess with us I'll shoot you right in the foot, punk. Just don't come on Tuesday nights that when I meet with my book club."
15. How much longer do you estimate you'll be able to take me being an asshole about the fact that you're moving to Northern Virginia before it starts getting old and downright offensive? I'll give it another 36 hours. [I'll take it.]
16. How many metro stops separate my apartment from yours? Only 6.
17. Is there a transfer involved? Yes, but it's at Metro Center. Doesn't everyone transfer at Metro Center?
18. Hmmm... Oh come on!
19. Do you see yourself having me over to your apartment for home cooked meals at least once a week? I don't know, are you willing to transfer trains? God forbid you say no to that question. Um, yes. I make a mean lasagna. When I become a 1950's housewife, wearing my apron, vacuuming, and drinking martinis (a la Joanie ANTM-style) I expect you to be there with me. I aspire to have dinner parties. There. I said it. I was honest.
20. Should I bring red or white? A bottle of red....a bottle of white..... (Slash you know I don't see color.)
21. Will you please stop eating my Mrs. Dash? But I'm so hungry...it's a cry for help...
22. Should I stop injecting inside jokes into this public friendship application? Yes, probably.
Day-to-Day Life 23. What is my standard coffee order? Quad venti skim latte. I don't know that I've ever actually heard you order a coffee. Because up until about a year ago, neither of us drank coffee. But yet the one time I needed to talk to you, you drove us to a Starbucks. Because it felt like what we should do. And then it was mighty awkward when neither of us was going to order anything there.
24. I'm hungry, will you fax me a sandwich? I can fax you a picture of a sandwich. Which you can then eat. Like the Japanese porn star diet a la Season 2 of 30 Rock. (God bless Netflix for having this available to watch online.)
25. What is your pet name for me? Pumpkin spice latte or sugartits, depending on how saucy I'm feeling. [Correct!] 26. The building next to mine is on fire and I call you up to see if you want to get coffee and gawk at it all country-like with me. What would your answer be? You bring the mash liquor, I'll bring the banjo.
27. It's a random Tuesday at approximately 2pm in the afternoon. You have a voice mail on your work phone. Upon checking it, you discover that it's a solid three minutes of me heavily breathing in a suggestive manner. Are you:
a.) Annoyed b.)Humored c.) Aroused or d.) Extremely aroused equal parts b.) and d.)
28. It's a random Tuesday at approximately 2:30pm in the afternoon. You have a voice mail on your work phone. Upon checking it, you discover that it's me holding up my phone to my computer as Fleetwood Mac's Holiday Road blasts in the background. Are you:
a.) Confused b.) Singing along c.) Embarrassed or d.) Extremely aroused
a.), c,) and d.)
29. It's a random Tuesday at approximately 3pm in the afternoon. You have a voice mail on your work phone. Upon checking it, you discover that it's me talking in a robot voice pretending to be Stephen Hawking "singing" Gwen Stefani songs, accompanied by the "digital" ringtone on the iphone in the background for good measure. Are you:
a.) Offended for Stephen Hawking b.) Stifling laughter c.) Irritated that I keep calling you at work or d.) a combination of A, C and extremely aroused
30. Are questions 27-29 things I have actually done to Alex? I'm sure they are.
31. Are you as amazed as I am that Alex is still my friend? Not really. Stephen Hawking voicemails make the day pass by just a little faster.
32. I can't find my pants. Where do you suggest I look? The freezer. That's a lie, your freezer contains a single ice cube, why would you have gone in there in the first place? Look in the microwave.
33. My toilet seat cover mysteriously came off. Can you fix it? I can try. But in the process I might break your toilet, turning a minor annoyance into a major inconvenience, which spurs you to get some professional help. In which case, WIN!
34. Wanna get some froyo after work, sit in the circle and people watch? DO. I. EVER. See you Monday at 5:30? [I can't, I told you! I'll be busy painting lamb's blood on my door for Passover!]
35. Road trips: PRO or CON? Very PRO. Especially if the end result is getting to see a Powerline concert!
36. Remember the time it was really hot in our apartment so we went to Duane Reed to get a baby pool to fill with cold water and put in the living room, but then you wouldn't let me do that so we just laid around on the futon and watched porn all day instead? Do you remember when we simulated sex to embarrass our neighbors across the airshaft who could blatantly see us watching porn? [Obvs. Every night.]
37. If yes, would you be interested in doing that again? I have just two things to say to you: fried chicken. Butt Fuckin' Bi-s. Alex, you in?
38. Complete this sentence: Bottle-a-luuuuube; ____________ . Bottle-a-luuuube, I keep it on my shelf cuz I'm proud of my sex life. [CORRECT! In so many ways, correct.] 39. Can I trust you to be in my apartment and not fiddle with, take or unbend my Aspie's Clip? No. That's a definite no. I won't unbend Aspie's clip, but I'll fiddle with him, then eventually lose him in the cavernous folds of your duvet cover.
40. What do you think Weekend Hair is doing right now? Well it is spring break, after all. Weekend Hair is probably just waking up from a raging foam party at Senor Frog's last night where she was doing body shots and dancing on stage and came in second in the wet T-shirt contest. Then she met this really hot guy who had a great tan and really nice teeth, but was kind of a douche, but it didn't matter because he bought her a ton of Jell-o shots, but then when they went back to his place, she realized he was hung like a sparrow, so she made up some excuse about her period, and ran out of the room, only to wind up at a party in someone's room down the hall, where she ran into her friend Amber. They made out a little bit because this other guy, Brad, totally told them to do it, but it's just for funsies, right? And anyway, it was just so that Weekend Hair could impress Brad and she totally did because he drives a BMW back home. So of course she brought Brad back to her room, and they totally did it, but Brad didn't use a condom because he said he doesn't like they way they feel but it's totally ok because Weekend Hair is on the pill, besides she can always go get Plan B, amirite? I'd say that's what Weekend Hair is doing right now. 41. You should join the Fitness First on L Street and be my gym buddy. Right? Lord knows I need to join a gym. That being said, I would be the worst, most unreliable gym buddy on the planet.
42. Also you should totally do hot yoga with me and Becca. Riiiiiight? There are literally hundreds of things I'd rather do than that. Like get a paper cut on my tongue. 43. I currently have Emma Bunton's Free Me stuck in my head. Is this:
a.) Typical b.) Emma who? c.) LET ME LOOSE TO LOVE YOU, OH HOW I LONG TO SEDUCE YOU! d.) Well crap, now I'm extremely aroused
a.) and d.) More so d.)
Social Life 44. I'm having a few people over to watch the premiere of Jersey Shore: Miami. What do you bring? Just my Ed Hardy T-shirt, some pickles, a handle of vodka, and a good attitude. [OMG...good answer.] 45. We're at happy hour and Alex keeps obsessively checking his Blackberry. What do you do? Berate him into putting his Blackberry down because are his email friends more important than us sitting right in front of him? If so, then why doesn't he see if his Blackberry will buy him a drink because I'm sure as shit not buying the next round. If that doesn't work I would "accidentally" knock over a drink onto the offending piece of technology.
46. Do you remember the first time you met Helena and she got drunk and told you, "I can see the homo in your eyes but theman in your arm hair"? Like it was yesterday. Did Helena and I get off on the most awkward foot ever? Yes. Did she legitimately want to know "How big?" within minutes of meeting me? Yes. Was that prefaced by a misleading lead-in question by Meg? No, definitely not.
47. Is that not just as funny as it was when it originally happened, if not more? Oh it's funnier each and every time I reminisce about it. Helena, I love you dearly but you are never living that down. 48. What are your thoughts on being my wingman? I feel extremely positive about it. I feel as though our combo of awkward charm and banter would be enough to seduce any menfolk.
49. If positive, what wingman skills would you bring to the table? Well, I have a pretty good gaydar, so that'll weed out you wasting your efforts on someone who isn't interested. I'm also relatively good at meeting new people. I'm also well-versed in diffusing an awkward situation...although usually I'll just straight up address the fact that it's awkward. Most times all involved parties have a reaction like "Oh man, you're right! It so is! Glad someone pointed that out!" and no harm no foul.
50. REAL WORLD SCENARIO: We're at Little Miss Whiskey's. I'm at the bar waiting for a beer when a handsome gentleman slides up next to me and says something. Thinking he's hitting on me, I get all giggly and girly and seductively compliment his glasses. It is at this point I realize he's actually staring slightly past me and not hitting on me at all, but rather trying to order another beer from the bartender. I am horribly, horribly embarrassed. How do you ease my pain? Order us both shots and share with you any number of stories where I've been infinitely more embarrassed in the game of love. Then at some point where you're distracted/on the phone/in the bathroom, I would discretely corner said gentleman and talk you up until he hits on you for real. [YOU STUD...]
51. ANOTHER REAL WORLD SCENARIO: We're at The Reef because it's 2006 and we don't know any better and I've had, let's just say, one too many Chardonnays. Sensing I'm about to vomit, I stand up to go to the bathroom but immediately fall right back down on my ass. When you come over to help me get up, I calmly tell you: "Chris. I am about to vomit and black out. You need to get me home."
WHAT IS YOUR GAME PLAN? Ahh, this is a trick question because I will most likely be nearing the same level of intoxication as you. So what I would do is slur "WE'RE OUT OF HERE. MOVE," grab you by the arm, and drag you out of the bar. Meanwhile, I'm trying to call a cab, but in reality I'm just calling Jumbo Slice over and over again. I assume that by now, you're almost about to be the Old Faithful of vomit, so I hustle you to the nearest trash can and hold your hair back, while yelling at anyone who glances at us that it's none of their business and to keep moving. Somehow I'll manage to catch a cab, where you fall asleep on my shoulder while I pat your hair and sing Michael Buble to you until we get back to your apartment or mine. 52. YET ANOTHER REAL WORLD SCENARIO: I have smoked too much pot and am having a panic attack while watching reruns of America's Next Top Model on UPN. I call you to calm me down. What do you say? I tell you to put on something less visually stimulating, because Jay Manuel and Miss Jay are both something to behold whilst sober, for a variety of reasons. I tell you that Discovery Channel is showing a marathon of Planet Earth and that I'm willing to stay on the phone with you until you zone out watching a sea star crawl across the ocean floor.
53. It's Sunday morning and we have brunch plans. You walk into my apartment to find me still in bed, nude, covered in cheese fries and laying next to a bottle of seltzer and a pair of Tweezers. What's going through your head? "There's no way I'm piecing together what went on here last night. I'd better find her Jack Daniels pants for her."
54. I'm staying at my parent's house to cat-sit Evie for a week in June. Wanna come over, watch scary movies and use a little Barbie brush to comb Evie's hair with me? Only if you promise to hold me when the movies get rull scary. But I know better and I know that you're infinitely more apt to hold Evie when things get dicey. So I'm a maybe on this one. [Yeah. You should probably just sit this one out.] 55. Let's say I have a blind date in a few hours and I feel like there are sumo wrestlers thumping around my stomach I'm so nervous. How would you clam me down? I'd tell you to swig some Pepto, maybe take a shot of some liquid courage, then proceed to list every reason why this guy would be stupid not to fall head over heels in love with you. Also, I'd run down a couple of escape scenarios for you in case he turns out to be a carnie. [DOUBLE STUD!]
56. You're going to be here for my birthday this year. That should be a recipe for: ________ . blackouts.
57. We're out at a bar and I get into a scuffle with some crazy bitch who don't know how to ackrite. Got my back, son? I will be like the J-Woww to your Snooki: ready to toss my drink on a bitch, while wearing the most revealing clothes EVER.
58. It's the end of the night and I'm too lazy to take the metro home so I take a cab. Are you judging me? When have I ever judged you?
59. I'm running late...are you mad at me? Mad? No. Irritated? A little. Is it because I am perpetually early to everything out of a deep-seated neurosis of being late? Of course.
60. I'm drunk and just binge-ate a few empanadas. Are you laying in bed next to me drinking seltzer and tweezing someone's eyebrows? This question escapes me. Which leads me to believe you were drunk and binge-eating empanadas when you wrote it. Chances are we were drinking and eating together, so I wouldn't be surprised if I was also in bed next to you. However, I HATE seltzer water, and I don't know why I would be tweezing someone's eyebrows. So I think I'm going to answer no. [It was a failed reference to this debacle.]
Complete the Sentence 61. Naps are: the only way I'm able to stay out until four in the morning anymore. 62. Pants are: overrated. 63. Stefanie Skinner is: a Child of the Corn and so so so unfortunate. [RUDE.] 64. Bee Movie is: the wedge that is slowly driving our friendship apart. 65. I lost my privileges to add movies to our Netflix queue because I: added Bee Movie in every available language. [Incorrect. You took away my queue privileges when I added and subsequently made us watch Epic Movie. You're still welcome for that.]
66. Heidi Mousetag was: the most adorable (disease-ridden) houseguest we ever had. I hope she's going strong in Prospect Park. 67. I still think about her every: other day.
68. Poppers and: ketamine. [YEP.]
69. I'm a little bit Aspie's, you're a little bit: neurotic. [I would have also accepted "Rock 'n Roll".]
70. I order my eggs: Benedict. [I would have also accepted "poached".]
71. My favorite brunch beverage is: Bloody Mary.
72. My favorite beer is: In a can: PBR. In a bottle: Red Stripe.
73. Getting me out of bed in the morning is: A CHORE.
74. A good way to get me out of bed is to: Turn the fan on high, crank the A/C up, and rip the covers off of you. [So evil...yet so effective.] 75. My stomach is usually sitting: Sideways.
76. Lobster rolls make me: Incredibly uncomfortable in the rectal region.
77. My #10 jam is: "Switch" by Will Smith? Really, Meg?[I stand by that decision.]
78. My #1 jam is: Gwen Stefani.
79. Not mentioned on my "jams list" at all was: ME. Your BIFFLE.
80. Whereas your #1 jam was: You and everything about you. [That was really sweet. I'm a jackass. It's like the time you got me a dozen roses for Valentine's Day and I got you gas station condoms and a frozen pizza.] 81. Which makes me a heinous: spiteful bitch. [I love it when you talk dirty to me...]
I hope that I have answered your questions in a manner consist with your goals for an in-city best friend. I can furnish any number of references should you require further information regarding my friendship abilities. I look forward to hearing back from you!
Best, Chris McBloggy
(Sidebar: DC metropolitan area and readers. See you in 29 hours and 15 minutes. Not that I'm counting. Lies, I'm obviously counting. GET. PSYCHED. Because Lord knows I am. Have a great weekend and see you back here on Monday!)
2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday.