3.11.2010

Rasta Pugs & Peeping Toms

Man, we are crazy overdue for a Dr. Rueben Q&A o' the Day, huh?? Lord knows I haven't felt the ungodly need to grab my genitals in phantom pain in far too long. However, before we get to the good doctor, I need to talk to you about something that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

Now, if you were to break down the percentage of how I spend an average day, this is what it would look like:

Meg McBlogger's Average Day
- 30%: Sleeping; napping; cat-napping or some combination of all of the above
- 30%: Assing around and general Tom Foolery
- 15%: Blogging
- 7%: Eating
- 5%: Gym
- 3%: Calling my mom and asking her inane questions like, "do you think this yogurt's still good?", "which side of the body is your liver on?" and "where are my keys?"

And the other 10%, you ask? Welp, the remaining 10% of my day is spent googling pugs, pugs in costumes, pugs in clothes and/or general pug accessories. There it is. The truth. Now you know what it is I do all day. Am I proud? No. Could I be doing more productive things with my day? Of course. Am I happy? Ecstatic. Because please look at what I found today:



Hi. That is a rasta track jacket for pugs. I mean...I just...I have no words for how absurdly fucking adorable that is. None. To quote my sister, "If I saw a pug walking down the street in a little rasta track jacket, I think I would have some sort of epileptic seizure it would be so cute." AND HOW!

Also, can we please discuss that upon discovering they're out of the 16" pug appropriate ones, I audibly gasped in disappointment? It's just somewhat startling considering how I don't own a pug, know anybody who does or have any plans to get one in the near future. (Although as MTV can attest, getting one is part of my five year plan...God I hate being me.) I just can't help but to think that if I had the ability to spend 70% of my day strutting around Dupont Circle with a joly little rasta pug, I'd be 99% happier in life. Do I sometimes fantasize about making rasta pug a Twitter
account and all of the delightfully inappropriate things it'll say, like "Blazin' with my mom, mon!" or "Crackin' open a Red Stripe and watching de NatGeo"? Yes. Yes, I do. Am I comfortable with that fact? Jesus god, no.

I don't know what's happening to me. I'm out of control. I've already written two verses of a Robert Palmer cover song called Addicted to Pug and I'm weirding myself out harder than I've ever weirded myself out before. Mind you this is coming from the girl who wanted to create a graphic novel about the adventures of her Aspie's Clip and Weekend Hair. Bold statements. Bold statements all around.

Dr. Reuben! Step into the weirdo spotlight and make me seem normal again!

[Oh and FYI, I picked today's chapter in my normal way of flipping to a random page and pointing blindly to a sentence. Today I landed on:


"Mental rape is no fun if the victim is willing."

Slam and dunk.]

Q: What else does he [a Peeping Tom] want to do?
A: [...] Some peepers are more dedicated. Take Arnold, for example. Arnold is a stockbroker. He is in his early forties and was married for a year or so when was twenty-two.

"It just didn't work out—she was too immature."

Arnold describes his favorite technique.

"On the days when the market is closed, I go to the Public Library. I go back in the stacks and pretend I'm looking for a book. I always poke around on my hands and knees. Begin to get the idea?

"I wait until some girl comes along—she has to be a good-looker—and then I swing into action. I kind of work my way over to her, real slow so she doesn't suspect anything. Then I get out my equipment. I have this little magnifying mirror and I hold it by her feet so I can look up her skirt and get a perfect view of the entire situation."

For some reason, peepers love to refer to the object of their peeping in vague, general terms—entire 'situation' is a good example."

-----------------

1.)


You sick son of a bitch...

2.) How old must Arnold's wife have been if even the local library peeper can't handle her immaturity? I mean, what are we talking? 12? 13?

3.) Really Arnold? You won't take a peek unless she's a "good-looker"? You know Arn—may I call you Arn?—Arn, there's an old saying that goes, "beggars can't be choosers." I think when you're the guy who hustles straight from work to the public library and crawls around on all fours like a farm animal to get a five second peek at a pair of Hanes Her Ways, you might officially be classified as a beggar. I know I'm no medical doctor, but let's stop putting on airs here.


Q: What about female exhibitionists?
A: Most of them are professionals. Strippers and topless dancers are good examples. No matter what they say, strippers enjoy their work. They derive sexual satisfaction from displaying their breasts to large groups of men. They don't need much encouragement to display everything else. More than one stripper has obligated an enthusiastic audience by taking it all off, G-string and all, and parading around nude. She gets what she wants and they get what they want. Everybody is happy, no harm is done, except to Public Morals, whatever that means.

Predictably, strippers don't get much other sexual satisfaction. They usually have trouble attaining orgasm and never find much real pleasure in genital sex.

The same holds true for beauty queens. Their activities have more social approval, but the game is the same. They show off their breasts, hips, buttocks, and a discreet outlining of the vulva (through a bathing suit) to admiring men. Miss Artichoke 1966 has a lot in common with Bubbles LaTour and her Magic Balloons.

-----------------

I only included that question and answer because I've decided I'm going to start a band called "Dr. Reuben & The Blanket Statements" and we're going to tour the nation's countryside in our mystery van solving wacky, far-out crimes at haunted mansions and amusement parks.

And that is exactly where rasta pug and I will be if you need us. Good day.


39 comments:

ashzilla said...

I would hang out with Rasta Pug and "Dr. Reuben & The Blanket Statements" anyday!

By the way, try looking up shoes for pugs. I spent over an hour looking up dog shoes one day. You won't even be sorry.

Angelle said...

My pug would LOVE a rasta track jacket to go with his leather Harley Davidson one...

Laurie said...

I'm incredibly jealous of your day. Although, I'll admit a good portion of my workday looks a lot like that, too.

ashzilla said...

http://www.doggievogue.com/category/dog-boots-shoes-footwear/tan-pugg-dog-boots

http://www.doggievogue.com/category/dog-boots-shoes-footwear

just saying...

Nino said...

I just laughed out loud in class:!!! HAHAHA

Talia said...

i love that you ONLY have Pug iphone apps

Sarah said...

Bubbles LaTour and her Magic Balloons?

Seems like somebody has a fave at the nudie bar.

James said...

My favorite pug (no joke, for realsies)((SFW)):

http://tinyurl.com/ygtpxok

Margo said...

Can I come on tour with you and open for your band with my new band, Bubbles LaTour and her Magic Balloons?

Cassie said...

I'm very embarrassed to say this, but it's time to get real here.

I've been putting talcum powder on my legs after shaving ever since we heard Dr Reuben's take on abortion and he used the phrase 'shaved and powdered legs.' I was curious, and I wanted to try it, and I'm not sorry that I did. It really helps with the shaving irritation.

Courtney said...

This weekend after far too many beers, I told my friends that one day I would have a pug and his name would be Elton Johnny Weir. Most flamboyant fictional pug ever, yes and I already want to buy him adorable clothes.

and as always thanks for doc reuben's wise words

Rachel said...

Um,you forgot teen wolf pug. I sent it to you!!!! And me and your sister have first hand knowledge of a peeping tom, he drove, as the cop put it, "a scooby doo mystery van"

lara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rach said...

Oh my god! Finally I am not alone. I too spend hours upon hours searching for Pugs online. No lie i watch pug bowling on youtube at least once every day. One time I saw a pub in the street and literally screeched "It's a Pug" even though I was by myself!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcKOQrz19Yg&feature=fvst

Chris said...

PLEASE GET A PUG! PLEEEEEAAASSSEEEEEE! What's stopping you anyway?

Anonymous said...

http://maryltabor.blogspot.com/2010/02/update-on-blog-to-be-book.html

THIS blog got a book deal and it's not even 1/8 as cool as 2b1b. Someone HAS TO give you a book deal.

Angie said...

My friends mom literally has a family of pugs (5). When you get out of your car at her house you get engulfed by a mob of pugs. It's the most adorable thing ever. Her mom even has a hilarious catchphrase, "At our house, you don't get mugged, you get pugged!"

Glatfep said...

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2010/03/02/pug-teen-wolf

That is all.

Rosalyn said...

I spend my days getting Flipper stuck in my head & consequently wondering how or why that has happened, as I was neither alive during the duration of the show nor have I heard the tune in years. Pretty much even, there.

Monica said...

- 3%: Calling my mom and asking her inane questions like, "do you think this yogurt's still good?", "which side of the body is your liver on?" and "where are my keys?"

This is something I legitimately do on a daily basis. Asking about the expiration date of food is a personal favorite of mine...I'm sure it's always reassuring to my parents to get those questions now that I'm almost 25 and have been living down here for 2 1/2 years by myself...

Also, while we are taking blanket statements, this blog is amazing, AMAZING. So amazing in fact, that I felt the need to vote for all of the bloggers choice awards even though I just started reading it 2 weeks ago.

Steph said...

the thought of a pug in a rasta track jacket "lit-rally" (thank you rachel zoe) just made my day. thank you for that uplifting image. love you and your blog!

Anonymous said...

Dreadlock Holiday??

DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST LINK THAT???

I am flying to America to get on American Idol to SING THAT SONG.

It's been my plan for the past year and a half!

Lindsey said...

Rasta Pug- I like it. My Westie Terrier has a spanish name, a Mexican flag t-shirt, and eats salsa like it's his damn job. Deep in his heart, he's just not Scottish, and he knows it. Dogs, like humans, can't be put into boxes. (Unless they're puppies, because puppies pee and poop sporadically so if they're in a box the pee and poop are contained. But that's the only exception to the box rule.)

Meghan said...

I'm very sorry to say that Pugs have always disgusted me since I had to babysit a family with a pair of sex-crazed, obese pugs. When they weren't screwing each other, they were falling and rolling on their backs in a sad attempt to jump onto the couch, or waking up the obnoxious child by waddling around frantically.
But maybe its time I gave them a second...off to search pug movies!

Meghan said...

*second chance

Anonymous said...

Well my girl friend just broke up with me over email about an hour ago so thought this would be a great place to start spreding her pics like she did her legs. Just go to http://www.gf4free.com/members/surferdude23/ Enjoy!

[url=http://www.gf4free.com/members/surferdude23/][img]http://www.gf4free.com/members/surferdude23/uploads/9.jpg[/img][/url]

Caitlin said...

my friends have a pug and just got another one. their names? Notorious P.U.G. (nickname: Puggy) and 2Pug Shakur.

Just let that wash over you...

Sara Mc said...

What's this? A Teen Wolf pug costume?

http://winniewong.typepad.com/shelby/2007/10/happy-halloween.html

Caroline said...

Please make the new twitter account! I'd totally follow that. And I loved Aspie's Clip.

Jmarls80 said...

I initially misread your blog title as "Pasta Rug". Either way - I'm in.

Baxter's Mom said...

i say this in the sanest way possible (is there a sane way to say this?...no.)

my guido shorkie has a twitter account, and a blog, and 42 fans on facebook.

shameless plug: http://www.thebaxterdog.com

Design Darling said...

that sounds like a lovely way to spend the day. what a delightful find!

Anonymous said...

pugs AND 80's movies: http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/BlogtownPDX/archives/2010/03/02/pug-teen-wolf

solid combination.

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