Man. For a while there it looked like a recap of last night's episode of Kell On Earth was not meant to be. I was over at Laura's last night for a lovely dinner (God I love having friends who cook) when I realized at about 10:20ish that Chris' TV is probably sitting in Rosslyn while Chris is probably sitting in New York and I should probably stop sitting here binge eating coconut rice and go home to catch the 11 o'clock repeat. But that wouldn't be too hard to do, right? I just had to zoom down the red line from Van Ness to Dupont; a mere four stops. Shouldn't take more than two shakes of a lambs tail, right? WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong. Because when the DC metro isn't catching on fire or killing somebody or cracking in half like an Easter egg, it's a 525,600 minute wait until the next train. Christ.
But that's OK! I figured I could always stay up writing my inner monologue until the 2am repeat like last week. I had some ruminations about flags I could share with you. BUT NO! Directly after Kell On Earth, Bravo showed A Few Good Men for the next 900 hours. Which, as it turns out, was pretty good movie. I think that's a known fact though. I hear there's this new animated movie called Aladdin that's out and supposed to be really good! Maybe I'll catch that next.
I woke up early this morning to see if last night's episode was online yet, but it wasn't. I tried looking on obscure sketchy Korean youtube sites, but it was just anime and reruns of The Marriage Ref. I gave up and decided I should download it from iTunes but they don't sell individual episodes, just a season pass. Figuring I shouldn't spend my remaining 10-tree-house-dollars on a season pass to a show I've already seen 80% of, I decided sorry but eff that ess. Then I realized I simply have to scroll to the right to buy an episode individually. HA HA...oh me. A physics major, I was not. So I went ahead and bought it on iTunes and now we can all enjoy a Kell On Earth recap. That's how much I love you all. $1.99's worth. But remember I'm Jewish, so that's like $199 to us. You're welcome, world. L'CHAIM!
Kell On Earth Episode 7: Tough Times
If Terrance Howard taught me anything in the major motion picture Hustle and Flow, it's that it's hard out there for a pimp. And by a pimp, I believe he meant Kelly Cutrone. Kelly is hurtin' from the recession, you guys, in a big, big way. Bitches don't pay their bills (which reminds me, I need to pay my cable bill...) and homegirl has to run around town hauling people's asses into Small Claims Court to get the money they owe her while trying to find new business to bring in while trying to decrease overhead and increase revenue and UGH! Good job, Recession. (Side note: the fuck? I'm watching TV and Nicole Sullivan is doing Jenny Craig commercials?.........is it 1992?? That would suck. How old was I in 1992? 7? 8? Why can't I do that math? I literally just opened a new tab to type "How old was I in 1992?" into google. That's sad. Why am I typing any of this?)
Speaking of money issues, People Revolution needs to hire a new Account Executive to replace Vorhees and fast. Robyn interviews a tiny little stick bug of a thing who's chin could skewer shish-kebab meat named Mallory. Mallory used to work with Michelle, PR's Lifestyle Director. If I forgot why I love Kelly Cutrone, this scene reminded me why. At a certain point during Mallory's very serious interview with Robyn, Kelly opens the door and is like, "Excuse me, I don't mean to be unprofessional...BuT rObYn Is ThIs YoUr HeAdBaNd CoLlEcTiOn?!?!1" and wacky kazoo music plays. I don't know. It just really struck a chord with me. Kelly goes on to explain that she lost her hiring privileges when she started meditating in an interview and Robyn got really pissed at her. OH KELLY! What will you do next?
I'll tell you what she won't do—give you free advice, asshole! Kelly is sick and tired of people trollin' around the office asking her for free advice and favors. I'm sorry, but she has got a business to run, mouths to feed, 15" MacBook Pros to buy for 8-year-old girls who don't even know what "server space" is (I'm sorry, I'm not going to let it go) and she can't afford any of this by giving shit away for free. AND THAT MEANS YOU, GEORGE WAYNE!
George Wayne is a friend of Kelly's and a writer at Vanity Fair and I can't understand a god damn word that comes out of his mouth. Seriously. I can't tell if his accent is British or Jamaican or Creole or if there's a mop in there, but I just barely get out that he wants People's Revolution to throw together a fabulous event for him. For free. In four days. Lofty goals sir, lofty goals. He also wants them to find "somebody fabulous" to host the event, so Michelle hops on her blackberry and shoots off an email to her friend in the Mayor's office. "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME MISS PDA!" George mumbles/shouts (mouts) at Michelle, "THAT IS RUDE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON YOUR BLACKBERRY WHEN I'M HERE?" ...Says the man who refuses to take off his sunglasses in a meeting. Now, if I were Michelle I'd probably fly across the table, rip off the white piping on his little suit and choke a bitch with it, but Michelle handles things with a bit more grace and ease. She eventually gets her revenge though when Kelly refuses to do the event and she's allowed to be the one to call him and break the news. MUHAHAHA. I like that Michelle. I like her moxy. She should get more face time instead of Robyn, who I want to punch in the camel toe every time I see her on screen.
Speaking of Robyn, she decides to go ahead and hire Mallory and give her the completely reasonable salary of $70K a year. ZUH?!?! 70,000 dollars a year?! AMERICAN?!?!? I wouldn't even know what to do with myself if I made that money. The possibilities are endless. I think I'd probably just buy a gilded bathtub, fill it with cocaine and sniff my way out. Just because I could. In which case I guess it's a good thing that I'm unemployed........Anysnort! Monday morning rolls around and everyone comes back into the office, cracks open Page Six and finds giant story about how old Mallory stole $97,000 worth of jewelry at her last job. OOOOF. Good call, Robs. "You know why Mallory didn't call Robyn back to accept a position at People's Revolution?" Kelly asks the camera, "BECAUSE SHE WAS IN THE CLINK!"
Kelly Cutrone...please don't ever change.
Whereas last week we got to learn a little more about the private life of Andrew M, this week we learn about Stefanie Skinner. I really like Skinner. I know Co-Blogger Chris doesn't share those sentiments, but whatever. We rarely see eye-to-eye on anything so it kind of makes sense. I loved Bee Movie. He hated it. I have a heart and a childlike sense of wonderment. He does not. I loves me some Stefanie Skinner. He's frightened by her.
I appreciate that Skinner lives in a realistic downtown New York City apartment vs. Andrew's de-luxe apartment in the sky or Kelly's entire city block. Skinner's apartment is small, on the ground floor, doesn't have a dishwasher and costs $1550/mo. PREACH. Likewise, her love life is also kind of in shambles. DOUBLE PREACH.
Skinner's been dating a young gentleman named Alano for a little over a year. Ahhh Skinner and Alano. A love story for the ages. One day Skinner was at a bar with her old boyfriend when she spied young Alano across the bar. Taken aback by his sparse little mustache and girlish figure, she wrote her number on a cocktail napkin in eyeliner and slipped it into his pocket. The next day he texted her and as they say, the rest is history. How much do I love that? It's kind of scandalous. Kind of romantic. Definitely involves a cocktail napkin. Perfect. Unfortunately, Alaro's patience for Skinner's hardcore work ethic is waring thin. Skinner loves her job and doesn't see that changing any time soon though. She's like, I can't sit here and eat scrambled eggs with you all day, dude. WAMP, WAMP. It's very Devil Wears Prada meets lastnightsparty.
Kelly decides to leave Ava in the care of her MacBook Pro for a week and head to the LA office to check in and try to find some new business for them outside of the fashion world. Namely, "My Studio," an aduio/visual high def recording studio for malls. "America loves a contest on a Saturday night in a shopping mall," Kelly says. And how!
Kelly also wants to team up with her old friend Rock Ross, owner of Delicious Vinyl, to do some events in his "beat driven/street driven/dance driven/design driven" art space, "Freak City." Uhhhh, don't give me that look, peasant. Everyone's been to freak city from MIA to Peaches. GAWD! I'm pretty much only mentioning this scene because on her way there, Kelly picks up the phone and does some light rapping/spoken word poetry. No, really. I'm not kidding. She used to be signed to Atlantic Records for it. Kelly Cutrone Def Poetry Jam. The taste we got last night? "If you're over 30 and you want to make some money/ I'm down for the deal/ like Remington Steele." Geinus. If you don't get it, you are clearly a fucking faggot.
Back in the office Andrew M and Skinner are working hard and bonding hard. He makes her a little Givenchy-inspired spiked headband and they go on an adventure to get Red Bull. He thinks she looks beautiful and would definitely date her if he weren't into dudes right now. They should probably just fuck on his Versace chair and get it over with.
DVR TEASER: I think it's true that everything happens for a reason because I am so, so glad I own this episode and can watch this week's DVR Teaser whenever I want. Because it very much features Andrew M talking about stackin' some donuts on his dick. Yep. "It's like ring toss." Andrew M: much like your mentor, you make us better as a people and a nation.
While Kelly is in LA, Robyn hires another Account Executive named Grace who came highly recommended from New York magazine. She has a lot of PR experience (read: four years) and didn't Twitter about her job interview or steal the Hope Diamond, so everyone's pretty stoked on her. I'm not her biggest fan though because she inadvertently gets my BFF Skinner in trouble in this week's Most Pointless Fight of All Time.
Ughhhh...do I even have to go into it? Sigh. The rule at People's Revolution is that nobody goes home unless they can all go home. Grace didn't know this because it was her first day. When she was done with her work, she went up to Skinner and was like, "Yo. I'm done with my work, need help?" and Skinner was like, "Nope, I got it under control," and Grace was like, "Cool, peace," and left. Then rumors starting flying around that Skinner told Grace she could go home, all hell broke lose and Kelly got super cunty with Skinner, Grace and Emily.
It wasn't really a big deal though because a day later Alano breaks up with Stefanie and Kelly is back to giving Skinner advice and letting her cry on her KA-KA-CRAZZZZYYY poncho-ed shoulder.