3.01.2010

Viva La Lillard!

Can we please talk about Mathew Lillard? Day 1 of Funemployment and that's pretty much all I want to do: discuss Matthew Lillard. Mateo. La Lillard, if you will. Matthew Lillard is very much an odd fascination of mine. In my mind, Matthew Lillard exists in a Bio-101 style terrarium made out of an empty Pepsi bottle filled with potting soil and worms where he perpetually wears an oversized v-neck sweater and a thumb ring. Because that's all I think of when I think of Mathew Lillard: an oversized V-neck sweater, a thumb ring and lots of physical animation. It's like he's a Never-Nude, but an Always-in-90's-Garb. Sometimes I like to imagine him in a various situations—grocery shopping; at movie premiers; working out at the gym; in the shower; at his own wedding—but always in an oversized v-neck sweater and thumb ring. And this, for some ungodly reason, is just endlessly funny to me. I can't explain it. It's like how I can't not laugh when I think about the fact that Asher Roth loves college. And just like the fact that Asher Roth loves college, I think it about it way too often to be deemed normal.

I was out at Big Hunt with Becky Friday night, having drinks and catching up, as you do, when we for some reason started discussing random actors that nobody thinks of anymore and how odd it is that they still exist. Becky's example? "Like...like, I don't know—Mathew Lillard."

The second she finished saying "—illard", I 100% Aspied out. I choked on my beer and my eyes bugged out of my head like I was in a god damn Warner Brother's cartoon. I'm pretty sure Becky already thinks I'm significantly bizarre, so I don't think it helped anything that when I finally regained my composure, I slammed my hands on the table, looked her dead in the eyes and in a voice 10 octaves lower than normal said:

I. THINK. ABOUT. MATHEW LILLARD. CONSTANTLY.

Becky stared at me as if I...well, frankly as if I had just said that I think about Matthew Lillard "constantly." I tried to explain the origin of my Lillard obsession, but I really have no idea where it came from. It's not like I was a huge fan of his growing up. I mean, Scream is a classic, obviously, and SLC Punk is awesome, sure, but I wouldn't say he delivered an obsession-worthy performance in either. I honestly think my fixation with Matthew Lillard started one night in college when Alex, Helena and I watched Scream and found ourselves sitting in the darkness giggling back and forth like a couple of 12-year-olds going, "HAHA......Matthew Lillard," over and over again. That's it. That's all it took. The concept of Matthew Lillard is just that funny for some reason. I'm apt to blame it on the oversized v-neck sweater/thumb ring situation, of course, but we'll never really know why for sure. All that matters is an obsession was born. We even wanted to make t-shirts that said "VIVA LA LILLARD!" that summer, a plan I'm still upset never came to fruition.

Things only got more Lillard-tastic a year later when College Roommate Danielle and I went to a party at the Rugby House one Saturday night. I should mention that this was just a bizarre night in general. Have you ever had one of those nights where there's a really weird and ominous vibe in the air and you know something's up, but you don't know what? Well, that was this night. Later, of course we'd find out that this was the night when the Rugby House would get busted by the cops and all us (just barely) under 21 party-goers would get sold down the river to keep the cops from exploring the house, as there was a metric ton of opium and cocaine in the next room, but! That's a much different story for a much different day.

Now, in college we hung out at the Rugby House quite a lot. It was our party spot. Or, as much of a "party spot" as you can have at AU, I guess. A bunch of our friends, including Ex-Co-Blogger Eddie, lived there and we pretty much always knew or knew of everyone at their parties. This night in question, however, the most random fucking people on god's green earth were in attendance—including Matthew Lillard's Doppelganger.

Danielle and I became obsessed with this kid. We had no idea where he came from or if he even went to our school at all. It was a freezing cold night in December and all of a sudden this kid sauntered into the party without a coat or friend to his name, just lookin' to hang. And as his name suggests, he looked just like Matthew Lillard. He was tall, lanky, had sandy blonde hair and sharp features and I shit you not, was wearing a green v-neck sweater, a bona fide silver thumb ring and (BONUS ROUND!) had a single silver hoop dangling in his left ear. He was a specimen. Danielle and I cornered him in the kitchen and berated him with questions. Things were going fine until I asked him if he was aware that he looks exactly like Matthew Lillard.

"Who's Matthew Lillard?" he asked.

"You know, Matthew Lillard!" I explained. "The guy from Scream and SLC Punk and She's All That. He's like the international That Guy."

It was as if I told him he looked like if Hilter and Joan Rivers had a pig-baby. His mood immediately became 98% less jovial and he stared at me with hatred in his eyes.

"You honestly shouldn't be offended," I said, "It's a compliment! We love Mathew Lillard! VIVA LA LILLARD!

He paused for a moment, legitimately told me to go fuck myself and vanished for the rest of the party. I was so confused. Last time I checked Matthew Lillard was a 90's movie legend who got his stomach licked by Taylor Vaughan. Cool out, kid and take a compliment where you can get 'em. You are wearing an earring, after all.

A few hours later, we all found ourselves sitting Indian-style on the disguising Rugby House floor as Montgomery County's finest issued us underage drinking citations, a charge that would later be expunged from everyone else's records after 24 hours of community service but due to "complications" landed me with three years unsupervised probation and is forever ingrained in the MCPD computer system. What were these complications? Uh, being Meghan McBlogger. Obviously. But again, that's another story for another day. After receiving my citation, I stood in the driveway hugging myself for warmth as I waited for Danielle and wondered how the hell we were going to get home. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Matthew Lillard's Doppelganger reappeared, sprinted past me, stopped in the middle of the street, turned back around and with two raised fists of glory in the air shouted, "I AM OUTTA HERE, YOU BITCHES!!!!! GOODNIGHT!!!!" and continued to run off into oblivion.

".......Did Matthew Lillard's Doppleganger just scamper off into the woods like a mythical forest creature?" Danielle asked as she walked up behind me holding her citation.

"I.........think so?" I said, somewhat trepidatiously.

"Yeah. It's clearly time to go." And with that we started the long journey home.

To this day I have no idea who that kid was or how he found himself at a Rugby Party in the middle of the woods in Bethesda, Maryland. I just know I think Christ every single day that he did. He enriched the legend that is Sleepy Matthew Lillard exponentially and I am eternally grateful.

Becky really got me thinking about Matthew Lillard again on Friday night, specifically about how I don't really know much about his career as of late. I mean, what exactly did he do after Scooby Doo, right? The answer? He played Lloyd B'Gosh in four minute short in 2009 about Osh Kosh B'Gosh titled Osh Kosh B'Gosh: Under the Overall. Because if anything ever needed to be purchased, framed and hung directly over my bed, it is the movie poster for that. You know that form of OCD, Objectum-Sexuality Disorder, where people fall in love with inanimate objects like the Golden Gate Bridge or Eiffel Tower? Welp, I have it and I am officially in love with and very sexually attracted to that movie title. We are getting married. It'll be a small ceremony with family and friends. You're all invited. Mozel tov to us.

In addition to starring in my husband, Matthew Lillard also entered a Dungeons and Dragons tournament in 2005 against members of the Quest Club Gaming Organization at the Magic Castle in Hollywood. And even better, it's on youtbe. I leave you now with a clip and ask you an important question—have you thought about your local Matthew Lillard lately? Viva la Lillard!


48 comments:

@}~}~~ K. Lea said...

I love Matthew Lillard...I don't know why; I've just always had this sort of "David-Bowie-in-spandex-pants" type attraction to him. Thirteen Ghosts is one of my fave movies (yes, I'm aware that I'm a freak.)

PS I love love LOVE your blog; my Little introduced me to it and now I'm obsessed; its like I could have written these things myself and it makes me indescribably happy.

capitalized said...

Okay, how could you forget to mention his epic role in Summer Catch? Not only does he co-star with FPJ (again) BUT he gets to bang Brittany Murphy!! Win!

capitalized said...

Okay, how could you forget to mention his epic role in Summer Catch? Not only does he co-star with FPJ (again) BUT he gets to bang Brittany Murphy!! Win!

-Andrew Newhart said...

Umm please tell me you are also obsessed with Law and Order SVU because there was an episode with Matthew Lillard in which he played a CREEP named Chet who was sleeping with his Aunt Birdie played by Carol Burnett.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1248628/

Matthew Lillard may be THE actor of our generation.

mrs. darling said...

oh my gosh, i LOVE matthew lillard. this entire post just made my day. nay, made my entire week.

Francesca said...

Gahhh! I also have a somewhat strange fascination with Matthew Lillard! I think my favorite role of his HAS to be his character in Hackers. Literally, best movie of all time. His role in SVU absolutely terrified me though...I feel like that happens to a lot of actors that I love when they take the Law & Order route. But seriously. Matthew Lillard. I bet he works at a local video store in a really small town somewhere weird like Iowa...

Erin said...

I just really love the Rugby House mention. My boyfriend lived in that house. I think I'm glad I met him long-after his Rugby House days...

Cupcake said...

Hackers! Srsly kids.. can't believe you skipped over his break-out role!

"superhero-like even"

kerry a. said...

if i had a nickel for every wet dream i've had involving matthew lillard...i'd have at least a dollar.

also, i fancied myself a punk rocker circa 1999 (my freshman year in high school) and i definitely chose one of senor lillard's monologues from slc punk for my final project. win.

Anonymous said...

Hackers. The movie Hackers. See it right now. A preview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pP6iTjhlOvs (Also features a very young Angelina Jolie)

AND OH MY GOD SEX ADVICE FROM MATTHEW LILLARD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssy7W1sJBug

Bailey @ peppermintbliss said...

Just when I think I know where your brain might be going next, BAM! Mathew Lillard. You are officially the most random person in the world. Which I think, it goes without saying, makes you in the finals for most entertaining person in the world.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if he's a has been because he's a raging meth head....at least that's the impression I gathered from the D&D video. Stranger things have happened.

Shelagh said...

I briefly dated someone who I thought looked freakishly like Matthew Lillard. He had an earring. And lived in Bethesda, MD. If you told me he'd gone flailing off into the woods like a lunatic I wouldn't NOT believe you. This is awkward.

Kelsey said...

I love Matthew Lillard for one reason: his fine dance in "She's All That." Any time I get to watch a tall thin white boy jump around to Rick James as if he's taken enough E to kill a small horse is a guaranteed way to spark a life-long obession.

Great blog beeteedubs

Grant said...

Francesca, how often is Scream on Cinemax and Showtime and what not? Answer: All the fucking time. There's no way Matthew Lillard has to work another day in his life. Unless he was dumb enough NOT to get points on the back end of one of the most successful horror movies EVER.

Anonymous said...

matthew as 'Cereal Killer' in Hackers... priceless. sigh. On a related topic, I have an unnatural love and knowledge of Seth Green. I'm like 5'2", so this is totally acceptable.

Holly said...

I agree with Cupcake... M.L. was great in Hackers for sure. Cereal Killer!

rebecca said...

I totally LOL'd at the thought of Matthew Lillard "scampering" into a forest. Ha!

And holy crap I just saw that Law and Order:SVU episode. I KNEW he looked familiar, but was too lazy to IMDB it. Thank you, Andrew!

Anonymous said...

Can you believe he's like 40? 'cause he looks/is in his head, 12.

heather said...

wait sooo funny. i just watched summer catch yesterday as i laid on the couch too hungover to do anything else. all i could think the whole time was wow i forgot how much i LOVE matthew lillard!!!

Anonymous said...

i heart funemployed meg... this was one of the best posts in a long time. keep 'em coming. we love you!

Angie said...

Yes, Kelsey! How could it take that long for someone to mention that dance? That dance in She's All That is the definition of epic and definitely secures Matthew Lillard in the halls of infamy.

Even my parents acknowledge this, and my father has seen a total of 2 movies in the actual theatre in my entire life (one of which WAS She's All That). So, you know, epic and stuff.

Linda said...

Best Matthew Lillard movie is "Without a Paddle"! One-liners are aplenty.

Katelynn said...

Andrew beat me to mentioning the SVU episode with Lillard...there's a creepy vague mustache and lots of argyle involved.

Also, I'm vaguely ashamed to admit I have a similar casual obsession with Skeet Ulrich. I'm going to go out on a limb here and blame Scream.

Anonymous said...
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Margo said...

OMFG I had THE BIGGEST crush on Matthew Lillard when I was like 12. He was all alt. and kooky. And now I realize it's because he is a D&D geek clearly hopped up on meth. I would still hit that though......

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

I just really love the Rugby House mention. My boyfriend lived in that house. I think I'm glad I met him long-after his Rugby House days...
No way. Who's your dude?

Can you believe he's like 40? 'cause he looks/is in his head, 12.
Matthew Lillard is fucking 40-years-old?! Wow. I want to drink from whatever fountain he's lapping up...

i heart funemployed meg... this was one of the best posts in a long time. keep 'em coming. we love you!
So sweet! I love you too!

Also, I'm vaguely ashamed to admit I have a similar casual obsession with Skeet Ulrich.
Old Skeet is also an inside joke of ours! Don't get me started...I could talk about Skeet all day.

Pendleton said...

hahahahahaha in a similar vein my friends and i want to make t-shirts that say "what about don cheadle?"

Anonymous said...

Matthew Lillard theme DGF anyone???? anyone????

Anonymous said...

Matthew Lillard themed DGF... anyone???? anyone????

Anonymous said...

Haha, Don Cheadle. That's a good one...that's a Tshirt I can get behind.

Glanz said...

New to commenting. Not new to the blog. For some reason I feel lame commenting on blogs I read.

Anyways, the blog is awesome. I read it daily and have read every blog you posted in the past. AND I love and agree with all of them. UNTIL TONIGHT...

I have made fun of my roommate for months for having a snuggie. Relentlessly have I made fun of her. Then I decided tonight to try it on (obviously after she went to bed) and then the magic happened. Lillard might as well be hugging me because this shit is convenient and works. I am warm and able to type at the same time. I hate to admit it...but I was wrong. Snuggies=functional and awesome. I am ashamed to admit it here. ASHAMED.

Anyways, your blog has kept me going through NUMEROUS all nighters in law school in DC. I hope my first post is not tainted by my support of the snuggie.

Anonymous said...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1599351/

kerry a. said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwB6kMiUkAU

Caitlin said...

Skeet Ulrich is mine. Don't any of you even think about coming after him!

Morgan said...

Well, obviously you're not the only one who has this creepy but totally worthy obsession with Matthew Lillard. Maybe it's a generation thing, but I also love him and think about him more than I should and definitely more than is healthy!

Courtney said...

I just read 2 posts (the one about you getting fired and this one) that said you "went out for drinks". Didn't you give it up for a month?

I mean don't get me wrong. I was unemployed for 5 months and drank my face off 7 nights a week - just curious!

Courtney said...

Meg,

This is a top 10 post. I too oddly love Matthew Lillard and emailed my best friend (and fellow reader) about Under the Overalls in July. Remember when he dated Neve Campbell, they were such an ideal 90's couple.

And people always get ridiculous offended when I tell them they look like a celeb, sure Scott Disick is mildly insulting but some lady got pissed when I told her she looked like Marcia Gay harden, compliment and really lady you're 40 and at a dive bar....

Anonymous said...

Last I heard, Matthew Lillard was living outside of Charlottesville, VA in Fluvanna County maybe??

Anyway, I think he is married with kids but probably really fun to hang out with, I say you try to find him!

Ohmygoshi said...

i just saw this and thought of you and your Matthew Lillard love: http://gawker.com/5493598/the-glorious-return-of-matthew-lillard

Flo said...

ok idk how to post a photo on here at all but I swear on my unborn that I saw matthew lillards doppleganger in Bermuda on spring break and made my roommates pose with him.. he also did somersaults and kissed our hands like a gentleman before puking

(itll also be really embarrassing if this link doesnt work)

file:///Users/maura/Desktop/n5516169_39142792_51641.jpg

Alex said...

You MUST see "Dead Man's Curve" thats when my true Matthew Lillard mini crush started!!

Anonymous said...

I know this is ages beyond when you posted this, but how has no one mentioned his awesomeness as SHAGGY in the live action SCOOBY DOO MOVIES?!?! He makes an amazing Shaggy!!

Anonymous said...

Meg, my underage possession charge just cost me a job after it was supposed to be expunged on my 21st birthday. I'm 26. Who knew? Definitely not me, obvs.

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