3.19.2010

Better late than never, right?

I would like to grossly apologize for how late I'm posting this afternoon. It's all my fault. I shoulder the blame 100%. I had a wee bit of an accident last night that left me incapacitated until about, oh, T-minus 30 minutes ago? Perhaps if I tell you what happened you'll be slightly more understanding. Although given what happened, I probably still wouldn't be...

Last night I went out to dinner with Alex and my parents and I wasn't feeling "great," per se, but I forged ahead and had a lovely time anyway. As my parents drove me back to my apartment, I started to get a splitting headache and felt like I was going to puke all over god's green earth at any given moment. Welcome to Migrainetown, USA. Population: me. Ocne back in my apartment, I did what I always do when I get a migraine—I chugged some Pepto and took 6 Extra Strength Tylenol. I generally take Tylenol on a sliding scale: 2 for minor pain, 4 for pain-pain and 5-6 if I feel like I'm going to die. What's a "dosage" anyway if not just a friendly recommendation, am I right?!

Confident I'd be feeling better soon, I turned on
Project Runway and started cleaning up my apartment a bit while I wrote what was to be today's blog post in my head. Suddenly I got rull sleepy. "Hmm," I thought to myself, "I am getting rull sleepy. This is odd because it's only 10:30 and I normally don't get tired until the wee hours of the morning. This is very uncharacteristic of me. OH SWELLS! I'll just lie down on this comfy bed here for a hot second and rest a bit."

Except I didn't lie down. I Chris Farley-style face planted on my bed. (Side note: I couldn't find a youtube clip of Chris Farley face planting on a coffee table—which is completely ridiculous—but I
did find this video:

How much does that portly young gentleman hate his life? You just know that when all the high-fives are exchanged and the Natty Lite is gone, he goes home to his dorm room alone and cries and cries, and cries and cries and cries because he just wishes people would think he's cool without having to hurt himself or emulate a man who died in a pool of chicken wings, coke, prostitutes and self-loathing. Poor kid...Blokay, carry on!)

As I lay there face down on my bed, drooling every so slightly on my duvet cover, it struck me that I felt sort of odd. I felt sleepy, yes, but more than that, I kind of felt like someone had lit my veins on fire and miniature devils were dancing around on the ashes with their pitchforks of regret. It was a familiar feeling. But when had I felt like this before?....Wait a minute, this is exactly how I feel when I take NyQuil and/or DayQuil, which is why one of my life motto's is, "I don't fuck with Quils." But I had taken Pepto and Tylenol, a classic combination none too strange for a person like myself who's forever sick. Why, oh why, was I so Quilled-out to the gilled-out?

And then it hit me: I didn't take 6 Extra Strength Tylenol. I took 6 Tylenol
PM. Two little letters that make all the difference in the world.

*BLACK & WHITE CSI-STYLE FLASHBACK!* You see, to avoid this very confusion, I always keep my Tylenol PM in the table in the hall and keep the Extra Strength Tylenol in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. However, just weeks earlier, I opened the medicine cabinet in the bathroom only to discover I was out of Extra Strength Tylenol. Frustrated and desperate to get rid of a headache, I got the Tylenol PM out of the table in the hall, went into the kitchen, poured myself a glass of water and took the pills, leaving the bottle on the counter when I was done. Later that night as I tidied up my apartment, as I always do between the hours of 11 and midnight as I am a highly neurotic person who can't sleep if things are out of place, I picked up the bottle of Tylenol in the kitchen and out of habit returned it to the medicine cabinet instead of the hall table where it belonged. Last night, distracted by the pain of the alleged migraine, I went into the medicine cabinet, blindly grabbed the Tylenol bottle, poured myself a handful and took the pills with a swig of water. What I didn't know is that due to my own absentmindedness and penchant for a place for everything and everything in it's place, I had just taken a handful of Tylenol PM—pain reliever and potent sleep aid. *END OF BLACK & WHITE CSI-STYLE FLASHBACK!*

"God damnit," I thought to myself as I lay there face down, fully aware I was about to pass out in about three minutes. I knew it was going to take way more than 6 Tylenol PM to kill me, but I was
slightly concerned about peeing my pants. Not gonna lie. I briefly debated calling my mom to let her know what had happened and ask if she'd call me in the morning to make sure I wasn't dead, but sadly, as you know if you follow me on Twitter, this wasn't the first time I'd done this.

A few days after I got fired, my sister was supposed to swing by the apartment to pick something up on her lunch break. Wanting to prove to her that I could be unemployed yet not a total waste of space, I went to embarrassingly elaborate lengths to make myself look like a productive member of society. I got into gym clothes, threw my hair up in a pony tail and set a sensible lunch (turkey sandwich and a side salad) on the coffee table, conveniently located next to my copy of The Washington Business Journal, of which I was on the front page. As Becca's lunch hour neared, I put on my reading glasses, casually sat down on the couch and sipped some Pellegrino as I thoughtfully read business emails, ready for her to come in and discover me in all of my productive glory.

Unfortunately for me, I mistakenly took 2 Tylenol PMs between making my sensible lunch and arranging WBJ on the table at the perfect angle and suddenly felt overwhelmingly tired. "God damnit!" I thought to myself, "I put the Tylenol PM back in the wrong place." I sat up and looked around for something to keep me entertained. Because I would NOT let myself fall asleep. I kind of picture my sister like a more attractive version of myself who actually has her shit together and the last thing I wanted was her to think that I'm using my unemployment as time to catnap on the couch with a half-eaten turkey sandwich dangling out of my mouth. It's far too predictable. So I called my mom, told her I had accidentally taken Tylenol PM and was getting sleepy.

"So? Just take a nap," she said.

"NO! I CAN'T. YOU ARE A BAD, BAD INFLUENCE, MADAM," I slurred. She then suggested I take a shower and let me tell you fine people something—taking a shower while trying to resist the urge to fall asleep on Tylenol PM is almost as fun as getting drunk and brushing your teeth.
Almost.

The real bitch of it is that Becca didn't even show up that day because she was too busy at work. So not only did I waste a perfectly good sandwich and side salad, I also wasted what could have been the best nap of my life. (I did, however, set the scene up again the next day which, thankfully, she saw. She even marveled at how I had food in my fridge! WIN!)

The point of this story being, I really didn't want to call my mom again all, "O00o0OOopsies! I took-a-the sleepy-sleepy pills again! Bout to go nightieroodle! Call me tomorrow to make sure I'm not deadsies! LOVES YOUUUuu!!!!1" Plus I couldn't really lift my head to find my phone...so that didn't help. Finally, I gave in and passed out.

As I drifted off to sleep, not only was I slightly nervous I was going to pee my pants, I was also nervous that my building's maintenance guy was going to come into my apartment first thing this morning to fix my shower. You see, sometimes I wear lingerie around my apartment just for funsies. I don't really know what to tell you about that. I have it. It rarely sees the light of day. Why not wear it while Swiffering and watching
Project Runway, right? DON'T JUDGE ME! Anyway, I happened to be wearing a mildly racy, see-through black nightie when I crashed face first onto my bed last night, thereby leaving my bare ass hanging out to the world. Now, I live in a studio apartment. You walk in to fix something and you walk into my bedroom. Good morning to you. As my eyelids got heavier and heavier a little voice shouted in my head, "NO! YOUR ASS! YOUR BARE ASS IS IN DIRECT VIEW OF THE DOOR! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MUSTER ALL OF YOUR STRENGTH AND PULL THAT SLUTTY LITTLE NUMBER DOWN, YOU LONELY, LONELY WOMAN!" My fingers twitched slightly but it was too late. I was out like a light.

When I woke up this morning (and by this morning I mean 2pm) I was groggy, black eye makeup was smeared all over my pillow and at some point in the night I had flipped over onto my back, exposing an entirely different view to the maintenance guy. I stumbled into the bathroom to see that my tub was still clogged (thank you Jesus) and I looked into the mirror and shook my head slowly at the hot roofie mess staring back. I knew what I had to do. I went into the kitchen, grabbed a sharpie and gave into the fact that I am a small child who should not be left alone.


So, that's what happened to me last night. I apologize again for the delay in posting. Hopefully next time I reach for the Tylenol I won't take my "sleepy pills" by accident and all will be right with the world. And speaking of all being right with the world, it's T.G.I. HAGMAN!

As of 4:24 on March 19, 2010, Larry Hagman is.........
alive! AND HOO-ZAH! That's what I call a good way to start the weekend!

As per always, thank you so much for reading and spreading the 2b1b word. We love you more than JR Ewing and chemically induced sleep combined. Have a great weekend and see you right back here Monday morning. Bye!

165 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think I pressed 'refresh' AS you posted this. And I officially feel like your stalker.

S.Rod said...

Can I just say that I happened to click over to the blog when the previous version (don't worry kids, this is the same stuff, she just added more fun) of this post was posted and the fact that you'd posted in black BOGGLED MY MIND. And then when I tried to comment on it, it was gone. It poofed. I'm happy to see all is right with the world again. That last sentence may or may not have been in an email I sent to a co-worker about the post.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Can I just say that I happened to click over to the blog when the previous version (don't worry kids, this is the same stuff, she just added more fun) of this post was posted and the fact that you'd posted in black BOGGLED MY MIND. And then when I tried to comment on it, it was gone. It poofed. I'm happy to see all is right with the world again. That last sentence may or may not have been in an email I sent to a co-worker about the post.

HAHA! I'm so sorry! I accidentally hit "post" like 3/4 of the way through writing this and was like, "god damnit. Somebody is going to read a very rough version of this post and be terribly disappointed."

That person is you. God bless.

Angie said...

Good lord, how do you manage to get yourself in these situations? (re: passing out in lingerie with a maintenance worker scheduled to appear)

The big question is, what will you do when you realize its approaching 5am and you're not the least bit sleepy?

racher said...

What's going to happen on that black Friday when Hagman is .....DEAD? I shudder to think.

James said...

What's going to happen on that black Friday when Hagman is .....DEAD? I shudder to think.

Easy answer: Tylenol PM and tissues for all.

Chrissie said...

I'm super glad you didn't die. How could I have started the weekend without my TJ Hagman status check? If you'd died, I'd be sitting here all "IS HE DEAD??? WHEN WILL SHE TELL US???"

Also? I like your sharpie-graffiti-drawy-lettery-style-ishness.

pook555 said...

I'm glad you didn't die and that Larry Hagman didn't die either! Feel better :)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lisa said...

Waking up too early on a Saturday morning was much improved by reading this post. Haven't laughed this hard in weeks. I should know by now not to read your blog and drink hot liquids: snarfed my coffee.

I wonder if readers besides myself are now considering going to their local CVS and grabbing you the jumbo size bottle of REGULAR Tylenol... give a girl your address, you'll get a lifetime supply.

Lisa said...

christ, i swear i'm not a stalker. ug.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Margo said...

You do know that taking more than 2 tylenols is TERRIBLE for your liver and kidneys. It's not like Advil, where you can take however many you want. Seriously. http://www.medicinenet.com/tylenol_liver_damage/article.htm

Angie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steph said...

this post literally had me lol-ing and rolf-ing all over the place, i'm so happy you didn't die! death by tylenol PM, what a way to go

Jules said...

"this post literally had me lol-ing and rolf-ing..."

Meg, your post was hysterical, as always, but the thought of someone rolling on a laughing floor is too much for me. Happy Monday!

Loretta said...

I am fairly certain that 6 Tylenol PM would be enough to kill me. One knocks me out cold for 12+ hours and I feel groggy for even longer.

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Somebody is going to read a very rough version of this post and be terribly disappointed."

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Anonymous said...

Dear Internet Hack,

I am the 'portly young gentleman' you speak of!! What the fuck makes you think that I hate my life!?!? I posted that video of myself. I can't believe I am going to give you the time of day, but here is the story behind the video:

This was the beginning of our eviction party as we were moving out of our apartment after having lived there for 5 years. (Tommy Boy happens to be one of my favorite movies. While getting drunk over those five years, i have always wanted to break that table the way Chris Farley does in the movie. Obviously this is a popular scene as you for one remember it yourself.) Anyways, instead of moving the table, my friend allowed me to break his table. We video taped to remember it.

At no point in my life do I cry, or even hate my life. Just because you lie in bed at night and cry abotu how life turned out, I do not. So go put the thumb up your ass and cry yourself to sleep.

Destructo



hate his life? You just know that when all the high-fives are exchanged and the Natty Lite is gone, he goes home to his dorm room alone and cries and cries, and cries and cries and cries because he just wishes people would think he's cool without having to hurt himself or emulate a man who died in a pool of chicken wings, coke, prostitutes and self-loathing. Poor kid...

Josh said...

I have to agree with Destructo here, the ONLY good thing about this blog was the fact that you included this video, which is HILARIOUS btw, good job man!!! Other than that, who really cares about some whiney b*tches night, her headache and Project Runway. Here's a better idea Meg, stop writing about your boring azz life and start posting more interesting things, such as this guy's YouTube video

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