If you could give me some sort of sign or indication as to why you feel the need to keep me up at all hours of the night, I'd really appreciate it. Did you really want to see that infomercial for the Showtime Rotisserie again? I know you love to chant "Set it and forget it!" with the studio audience, but I'd really like to sleep. And once we finally are able to fall asleep, you decide that the asscrack of dawn is the perfect time to get up and get out of bed. If you could let me know you're reasoning, that'd be great, because then I could shut it down, and we both could finally get the rest we deserve. As it stands right now, I am too exhausted to lift my leg up over the tub in the mornings to get in the shower, so sometimes I'll just turn the water on and sit in the bathroom until I feel like I've heard enough water running to count as a shower. I have a matching 5-piece luggage set under my eyes right now. It's not pretty. They don't just call it beauty rest for the hell of it. And to be perfectly frank, I need some of that, because I'm starting to look a creature that would live under a bridge and ask you a riddle before you can pass.
What I don't understand is why you woke me up at 9:30 today. You and I both know that we don't have to be at work today. That ship sailed on Friday, when I finally told my job to peace out after 2+ years of getting hated on by nerds. We both know that this week is our only time to sleep in, because for some reason I told my new job I could start this monday. Oh wait. It was probably because I was so damn tired that I couldn't be slick enough to ask for an extra week off. Way to go, us. Way to fucking go. And what's worse is that now we have an actual commute to contend with in the morning. We're talking a fight your way onto a crowded metro at 8 in the morning commute. To get to our "business casual" office by 9 AM sharp. We can't just roll out of bed at 8:55, throw on the first article of clothing our hand touches and casually stroll to the office anymore. So we're going to have to start to get a little bit more sleep. Because if I have to shave every morning now, and I'm exhausted in the morning, I might slip and cut my carotid artery. Those five bladed razors are just four more blades of death when you're bleary eyed and shaving. And think of how pissed you would be if I accidentally killed us. I know I would be mildly upset.
I wish you weren't so resistant to falling asleep. You won't even let me drug you into sleep. While Meg can take 6 Tylenol PM and pass out in her nightie, those Tylenol PM would not have the same effect on me. Even if I was also wearing a revealing nightie and expecting the maintenance man to show up. (Sidebar: everyone knows Meg only claims this was an accident. She 100% intended for a porn plot to play itself out in her apartment.) The last time I tried to put you under using medication, you refused to fall asleep and I spent 4 hours feeling like I'd just chugged a keg. To the point of me being so out of it that I was legitimately scared. Why, brain? Why couldn't you just take the medicated hint and let me sleep? No, instead we were awake and trying to gchat with some people, which consisted of me palming my keyboard for 15 minutes, typing words with an inordinate amount of vowels and punctuation, before finally giving up and admitting defeat. Sure, you shut down our fine motor skills, but my body is still awake and kicking. It's not fair. Come to think of it, every time we've taken medicine that makes you drowsy before bed, you think it's funny to stay up, regardless of the drugs coursing through our veins. Tylenol PM, Nyquil, what have you. Nothing will make you go to sleep when you're supposed to. But the one time I take Sudafed before going to the movies because I was feeling a little congested, you pass out right after the opening credits. I still have no idea what movie it was that we saw. I have a vague recollection of Meryl Streep maybe being in it. She might have had a kinky threeway with Andy Dick and Rin Tin Tin, that's how little I know about the movie. Thanks a lot. That's eight dollars that I'll never get back.
We're going to need to change this little repartee you and I have going on, because it's getting pretty tired. And I don't mean that in an ironic way. I know that right now you're probably just feeling a lot of emotions about the upcoming move. I think that's normal. If we weren't nervous, I'd be a little bit more concerned. But really, we just have to make sure we catch out train on Saturday and we're good to go. And the only way we're going to do that is by getting some sleep this week. Because if you choose to let me sleep in on the one day we have something to do, it will not be a pretty sight. I will go Fight Club on our ass.
So, in conclusion, please act right and let us sleep a little bit more tomorrow. It's all well and good that we're up now, because it's sunny and we should probably get out and do some New York City related activity while we don't have to work but are still living in the city. Had we slept in today, we would have missed a solid three hours of sunshine, which has been mighty rare these past few weeks. Can't waste any of that. Now that I've finally given you the piece of my mind I've been hanging on to, let's work on cooperating better in the future. Deal? Deal.