3.25.2010

The Friendship Application

I can't believe old Co-Blogger Chris moves here THIS SATURDAY! Eee! I'm pretty excited about it. I enjoy Chris' friendship immensely and I'm really looking forward to being able to spoon with him on a more regular basis. That being said, I also like hazing Chris. A lot. Well not hazing, per se, but I like to play games with Chris. Rough, sadistic, childish games. Like "What Will Happen If I Give You a Back Rub With This Giant Tub of Icy Hot?", "Can I Tweeze Your Back Hair?", "Sit On The John And Read To Me From GQ While I Take A Shower" or my personal favorite, "I'm Going To Punch You On The Arm As Hard As I Can And Then You Punch Me." We're like brothers: we love each other a lot, we just have odd ways of showing it.

When I read Chris' post about how nervous he is to move here even though he already has friends in the city, I thought hello! An opportunity to fuck with him. Yes and please. So I've decided I'm going to make him fill out this friendship application before I'll be his in-city best friend again. Oh, don't worry Chris—it's just 81 brief essay-based questions. That should calm your nerves, tiger.

Is our friendship considered conventionally "healthy?" No. Is it fun? I'd like to think so. Although he might have another answer. And that answer might involve a lot of swears.


Official Application to be Best Friends with Meghan McBlogger
Please answer all questions in detail honestly and to the best of your ability

The Basics

1. Name:

2. Age:

3. Gender:

4. Hometown:

5. What is your Twitter name?

6. Quickly tweet something really, really nice about me.

7. What did you tweet?

8. Are you on Facebook?

9. If so, poke me for good measure and take a screen shot to prove it.

10. Are you, or are you not a known Ginger?

11. Do you, or do you not burn very easily at outdoor swimming pools?

12. Are you a gender queer and as a corollary, will "gender queer" ever not be one of my favorite phrases in the entire world?

13. Where in DC are you moving?

14. If that was a trick question because you are actually moving to the wilds of Northern Virginia, where in Northern Virginia are you moving?

15. How much longer do you estimate you'll be able to take me being an asshole about the fact that you're moving to Northern Virginia before it starts getting old and downright offensive?

16. How many metro stops separate my apartment from yours?

17. Is there a transfer involved?

18. Hmmm...

19. Do you see yourself having me over to your apartment for home cooked meals at least once a week?

20. Should I bring red or white?

21. Will you please stop eating my Mrs. Dash?

22. Should I stop injecting inside jokes into this public friendship application?


Day-to-Day Life
23. What is my standard coffee order?

24. I'm hungry, will you fax me a sandwich?

25. What is your pet name for me?

26. The building next to mine is on fire and I call you up to see if you want to get coffee and gawk at it all country-like with me. What would your answer be?

27. It's a random Tuesday at approximately 2pm in the afternoon. You have a voice mail on your work phone. Upon checking it, you discover that it's a solid three minutes of me heavily breathing in a suggestive manner. Are you:

a.) Annoyed
b.)Humored
c.) Aroused
or d.) Extremely aroused

28. It's a random Tuesday at approximately 2:30pm in the afternoon. You have a voice mail on your work phone. Upon checking it, you discover that it's me holding up my phone to my computer as Fleetwood Mac's Holiday Road blasts in the background. Are you:

a.) Confused
b.) Singing along
c.) Embarrassed
or d.) Extremely aroused

29. It's a random Tuesday at approximately 3pm in the afternoon. You have a voice mail on your work phone. Upon checking it, you discover that it's me talking in a robot voice pretending to be Stephen Hawking "singing" Gwen Stefani songs, accompanied by the "digital" ringtone on the iphone in the background for good measure. Are you:

a.) Offended for Stephen Hawking
b.) Stifling laughter
c.) Irritated that I keep calling you at work
or d.) a combination of A, C and extremely aroused

30. Are questions 27-29 things I have actually done to Alex?

31. Are you as amazed as I am that Alex is still my friend?

32. I can't find my pants. Where do you suggest I look?

33. My toilet seat cover mysteriously came off. Can you fix it?

34. Wanna get some froyo after work, sit in the circle and people watch?

35. Road trips: PRO or CON?

36. Remember the time it was really hot in our apartment so we went to Duane Reed to get a baby pool to fill with cold water and put in the living room, but then you wouldn't let me do that so we just laid around on the futon and watched porn all day instead?

37. If yes, would you be interested in doing that again?

38. Complete this sentence: Bottle-a-luuuuube; ____________ .

39. Can I trust you to be in my apartment and not fiddle with, take or unbend my Aspie's Clip?

40. What do you think Weekend Hair is doing right now?

41. You should join the Fitness First on L Street and be my gym buddy. Right?

42. Also you should totally do hot yoga with me and Becca. Riiiiiight?

43. I currently have Emma Bunton's Free Me stuck in my head. Is this:

a.) Typical
b.) Emma who?
c.) LET ME LOOSE TO LOVE YOU, OH HOW I LONG TO SEDUCE YOU!
d.) Well crap, now I'm extremely aroused


Social Life
44. I'm having a few people over to watch the premiere of Jersey Shore: Miami. What do you bring?

45. We're at happy hour and Alex keeps obsessively checking his Blackberry. What do you do?

46. Do you remember the first time you met Helena and she got drunk and told you, "I can see the homo in your eyes but the man in your arm hair"?

47. Is that not just as funny as it was when it originally happened, if not more?

48. What are your thoughts on being my wingman?

49. If positive, what wingman skills would you bring to the table?

50. REAL WORLD SCENARIO: We're at Little Miss Whiskey's. I'm at the bar waiting for a beer when a handsome gentleman slides up next to me and says something. Thinking he's hitting on me, I get all giggly and girly and seductively compliment his glasses. It is at this point I realize he's actually staring slightly past me and not hitting on me at all, but rather trying to order another beer from the bartender. I am horribly, horribly embarrassed. How do you ease my pain?

51. ANOTHER REAL WORLD SCENARIO: We're at The Reef because it's 2006 and we don't know any better and I've had, let's just say, one too many Chardonnays. Sensing I'm about to vomit, I stand up to go to the bathroom but immediately fall right back down on my ass. When you come over to help me get up, I calmly tell you: "Chris. I am about to vomit and black out. You need to get me home."

WHAT IS YOUR GAME PLAN?

52. YET ANOTHER REAL WORLD SCENARIO: I have smoked too much pot and am having a panic attack while watching reruns of America's Next Top Model on UPN. I call you to calm me down. What do you say?

53. It's Sunday morning and we have brunch plans. You walk into my apartment to find me still in bed, nude, covered in cheese fries and laying next to a bottle of seltzer and a pair of Tweezers. What's going through your head?

54. I'm staying at my parent's house to cat-sit Evie for a week in June. Wanna come over, watch scary movies and use a little Barbie brush to comb Evie's hair with me?

55. Let's say I have a blind date in a few hours and I feel like there are sumo wrestlers thumping around my stomach I'm so nervous. How would you clam me down?

56. You're going to be here for my birthday this year. That should be a recipe for: ________ .

57. We're out at a bar and I get into a scuffle with some crazy bitch who don't know how to ackrite. Got my back, son?

58. It's the end of the night and I'm too lazy to take the metro home so I take a cab. Are you judging me?

59. I'm running late...are you mad at me?

60. I'm drunk and just binge-ate a few empanadas. Are you laying in bed next to me drinking seltzer and tweezing someone's eyebrows?


Complete the Sentence
61. Naps are:

62. Pants are:

63. Stefanie Skinner is:

64. Bee Movie is:

65. I lost my privileges to add movies to our Netflix queue because I:

66. Heidi Mousetag was:

67. I still think about her every:

68. Poppers and:

69. I'm a little bit Aspie's, you're a little bit:

70. I order my eggs:

71. My favorite brunch beverage is:

72. My favorite beer is:

73. Getting me out of bed in the morning is:

74. A good way to get me out of bed is to:

75. My stomach is usually sitting:

76. Lobster rolls make me:

77. My #10 jam is:

78. My #1 jam is:

79. Not mentioned on my "jams list" at all was:

80. Whereas your #1 jam was:

81. Which makes me a heinous:


Once you are done filling in your answers, kindly post it on tomorrow's blog. I will give it serious consideration over the weekend and should reach a final decision in 2-4 work weeks.

Thank you for your interest in being my BFF4lyfe and best of luck in all of your new endeavors.

Regards,
Meghan C. McBlogger

29 comments:

Sarah said...

God help him. He is a good friend.

Jules said...

55. Let's say I have a blind date in a few hours and I feel like there are sumo wrestlers thumping around my stomach I'm so nervous. How would you clam me down?

Best typo ever.

Susan said...

i smell a readers contest!!!! do you have any prize giveaways up your sleeve?

A. Rue said...

I'll have you know that in crazy coincidence, I have an old roomie/out-of-state friend moving in this weekend, as well. Though she'll be living with me. Anywho, I read this, promptly sent her the link, and told her I was making one for her so she'd better bring her A game. True story.

A Table For One said...

Yikes, that applicaton is longer than the one I took to get into college!

Anonymous said...

Unrelated, another "Best Blogger" award you should go for: Washingtonian
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JGS3WMG

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

i smell a readers contest!!!! do you have any prize giveaways up your sleeve?

HAH! I'm not that big of an asshole that I'd make random people fill this out. Just Chris.

Adriane said...

Wow and here I thought I was the only person who knew about "Free Me"... (and by "knew about" I mean "possesses it on iPod and still listens to it and enjoys it").

Elliot said...

Can Chris just submit the Common App instead?

Also am I the only one who applied to like six more colleges I'd never even heard of just because Common App = no more extra work? And then ended up going to one of those colleges I'd never heard of because, hey, American University, that sounds pretty badass?

Adria said...

I love this. In college I used to make my friends pick a celebrity to "channel" for the night before we went out. Somehow the two seem connected.

And obviously you're super important and busy with work stuff, but I'm in the business of shamelessly self-promoting my new blog these days...soooo: www.coloring-insidethelines.blogspot.com

Adria said...

(The whole "work stuff" thing was a joke)

Angie said...

Also, a long-time "Free Me" listener/ipod possessor. I won't lie a got a wee bit excited when I read that. Kudos, 2b1b.

Anonymous said...

YOU WON! CONGRATS!

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/bestofdc/2010/peopleandplaces/readerspoll/best-local-blog-blogger

Anonymous said...

AND YOU WON 3RD PLACE FOR THE SCANDAL!

http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/bestofdc/2010/peopleandplaces/readerspoll/best-local-scandal

Susan said...

lol, holy shit. third place for local scandal behind marion barry and the salahis!

maggie said...

holy crap! you beat the DCist!!

fuck yeah! congrats ms. mcblogger :)

Vanessa said...

YOU ARE VICTORIOUS!!! congrats meg!

Cara said...

Meg! I totally go to Fitness First on L. I am very interested as to who your gym crush is. Please don't tell me the jacked guy who stalks around BLASTING heavy metal on his ipod. Please. I expect more from you.

Ushma said...

Holy shit, Meg! I can't believe you got 3rd best scandal after Marion Barry and the White House crashers!!! That's effing amazing. I owe you a drink (or 10) the next time I see ya!

Congrats on Best Blog too!!!

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Also am I the only one who applied to like six more colleges I'd never even heard of just because Common App = no more extra work? And then ended up going to one of those colleges I'd never heard of because, hey, American University, that sounds pretty badass?
I applied to 12 colleges. 12. COLLEGES. I had ZERO interest in 11 of them. And AU was not the one I was interested in....awkward.

lol, holy shit. third place for local scandal behind marion barry and the salahis!
How absurd is that? I can die a happy woman now.

holy crap! you beat the DCist!!
And it feels good. DCist never gives me any press. I spent a large part of the Washington City Paper Best of 2010 party tonight drunk, shoving corn dogs in my mouth and having this exchange:
Me: WHERE'S SOMEONE FROM DCist?! I WANT TO TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES!!!!
::Becca looks around wildly:: "I desperately want to make this happen."

Meg! I totally go to Fitness First on L. I am very interested as to who your gym crush is.
I have 2. One is a young, dreamy joggger and the other is approx 30 with a beard who stretches his glutes on the treadmills. Meow.

Holy shit, Meg! I can't believe you got 3rd best scandal after Marion Barry and the White House crashers!!! That's effing amazing. I owe you a drink (or 10) the next time I see ya!
Love you Ushma! Thanks for pimping mem out in San Francisco on your business trip! <3

Emma!! said...

Can anyone fill out your application to be your BFF? Would there be some sort of Best Friend-Off that would be televised on MTV2 and/or during commercials for "The Bachelor"? I think that would be extremely sensible. Like that show Paris Hilton had, except that you're a gazillion times better than she is at everything.

Anna said...

http://hotdudesonbikes.com/

Anna said...

(that was a real link!)^

Andrew said...

TL;DR

Canadian Viagra said...

This application is really cool. I'm sure a lot of people around the world would be so happy to get a tool like this one at home.

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