3.10.2010

While You Were Sleeping

Sharing the bed with someone (I'll have you know I initially misspelled that and said "Sharting the bed" which is a horse of an entirely different color) is not always easy. Hell, sharing a room with someone isn't always easy. How many of us got to college freshman year expecting your first year of sharing a room to be a breeze after exchanging exciting emails with Joe Schmoe from Idaho, only to realize Joe Schmoe is the textbook definition of slovenly. My first college roommate was completely non-offensive as a person, but living with him is what I imagine living with a three-toed sloth to be like. It was always hard for me to tell if he was home or not, because his side of the room was just one giant pile. Of things. Some of which may have been living. And sometimes I'd think he wasn't home, and just as I'm getting ready to fall asleep, he'd slowly rise out of the pile, like a trash heap Messiah and scare the ever-living shit out of me. It didn't help that he always kept the shade in our room shut, even on a nice day. I still have horrible flashbacks to one day in the spring, when I got back to the room, the window was shut and the sun had been beating on the closed shade, baking the already questionable contents of his side of the room. One word: pungent. There was not enough Febreze in the world for that day. It was like someone had baked a casserole using sweaty gym socks and pickle juice.

Everyone has their college roommate horror stories. One of my best friends in college was in a forced triple freshman year. One of her two roommates would steal the others' food while they were gone. But here's the kicker: homegirl was bulimic. BULIMIC. She would eat their food their parents sent in a care package, then proceed to vomit it up in the shower later that day. It's not even like she's the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy. (Who the hell are you? Nobody!) Who steals someone else's food and doesn't even fully enjoy it?! That's just cruel. Considering the sloth was the worst of my roommate troubles in college (except when I was hooking up with my roommate and shit got real awkward. Oh, hormones!), I think I lucked out. My only wish was that I had a roommate in college that talked in their sleep. My friend Em, apparently talked in her sleep, as recounted by her roommate Allison. My favorite story was one time Allie was up late doing some homework, and all of a sudden, Emily shot straight up in bed and said "Yea, I'll have another shot!" I die. Each and every time I hear that story.

Blanyway, I've digressed. So getting back to my point, sharing a bed with someone is not easy. This is what makes hooking up with people so tricky, because you never know what you're getting if they spend the night. The worst is someone who is a total bed hog. For some ungodly reason, the guy/girl you have over is posing for the Vitruvian Man in the middle of the bed at three in the morning. You have to find a way to occupy the space between the edge of the bed and their ankle. I've heard that the way you feel most comfortable is the way you slept in the womb. These people's mothers' wombs must have been cavernous. When does it become acceptable to punch them in the face and tell them to get out? Because whenever I get woken up in the middle of the night, for some reason, I am extremely hostile. So keep that in mind if you ever interrupt my slumber: I will murder you. This is also probably the same person who steals all the covers. Repeatedly. No matter how many times you yank the blanket back, ten minutes later you'll wake up freezing while they are in their homespun woolen cocoon.

I prefer this to the overcuddler. My first bf was like this, and it got real irritating, especially in the summer. He would need to be constantly right next to me. And each time I moved over, he would move over more. I woke up numerous times teetering on the edge of the bed. While great for my core and balance, not so great for being well-rested. There's nothing worse than being all clammy AND pressed up against someone. Whether I'm in bed, on the subway, etc. I need my personal space. It's hot, I'm sweating enough already, please do not touch me.

Restless sleepers might be the hardest people to sleep next to. No, people with night terrors are the hardest people to sleep next to. But restless sleepers are a close second. You have to sleep all defensive, because you never know when a stray arm or leg is going to come your way. They are off in dreamland, running through field of sunflowers, while you're wide awake listening to them rustle around all night. It's like sleeping next to a dog.

My current bf and I share the bed nicely. Except for the fact that he snores like a foghorn. It doesn't help that he routinely falls asleep within five minutes of hitting the pillow. And he snores as soon as he's semi-unconscious. It sounds like someone playing a tuba filled with macaroni and cheese most nights. I'm willing to put up with it because he also talks in his sleep. It's everything that I've ever wanted in a roommate/bed buddy. I cannot tell you the kind of joy this brings into my life on a nightly basis. My only regret is that we're not still in college, and I'm not usually awake until 4 o'clock in the morning to listen to the wacked out things he's thinking about. But like I said, he falls asleep faster than a Rusty the narcoleptic dachshund.

So there have been some gems recently. The best part is that he will respond to you when you talk to him, but has no memory of what you talked about in the morning. I've started keeping a notepad by the bed for anytime I'm awake and he's rambling. Because it's just too good to forget, and I have a god awful memory.

My favorite was the first one that I wrote down. He goes: "Hey buddy, are you there?" and at this point he grabbed my arm and put it on his chest and says: "Can you make my skins shine like new?" In his mind, my rubbing his chest is the equivalent of Homer sticking his head in the bowling ball waxer. The next time he spoke to me, we had a 30 second conversation. He woke me up by saying "I can't take this." To which I obviously asked, "What can't you take?" because I thought he was wide awake. "Everyone jumping at me asking me for money." At this point, I rolled over to grab the notepad to write this down. He must have interpreted that to mean I was mad because he goes "Noooooooooo, not you. Everyone is trying to sell me cat food." But the best one to date happened a few weeks ago. From a dead sleep, he goes "P-p-p-p-PAP SMEAR!! PAP SMEAR!" Clearly this cracks me up, and he says, "Pap smear! What's a pap smear? Do women get those?"

Like I said, this is all I've ever wanted. I couldn't be happier. The only thing worse is knowing that he spoke in his sleep, but I was too tired/lazy to write it down and don't remember what was said. That's how I feel this morning. It's like a veritable gold mine of comedy that I'm not digging through, simply because I'm "tired" and I want "sleep". Only one more reason I need to move to DC and be funemployed for a little bit. So I can stay up late and listen to the wacky nighttime musings of the boy. Guaranteed to keep me occupied for at least a day.

169 comments:

Laylapalooza said...

So this is what your post reminded me of:

http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

Talia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LadyLinzee said...

Oh Chris, you have completely made my day!! Thank you for Rusty and for your stories :) Hahaha.

Talia said...

i love that!!

one time, Meg and I were having a sleepover and it was right before the whole Y2K happened, and everyone was all freaked out that the world was gonna end and computers were gonna blow up.. so obviously Meg asked me in my deep slumber, Talia, what does Y2K mean, and I said "Yes to KIA" (bc of the Kia commercial that came out right before Y2K)

Anonymous said...

Chris, this is your best post to date! Keep em coming!

laur1118 said...

There's also the violent just falling asleep twitches. You know when you're just about asleep and jerk awake and hope your bed partner wasn't awake to witness it, because weeeeird. My ex once punched me in the face during a rather violent twitch.

Jennifer said...

Hilarious! My husband sleeps all over the bed while strangling a huge ass fluffy pillow AND he has night terrors about once a month AND he talks in his sleep. I married a comedy gold mine.

Veronica said...

Your college roommate sounds like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock, Did he dispense wisdom to you once he came out of the pile?

Also, great Center Stage reference! "Be careful with that one. You break it, you bought it."

LP said...

Oh yes, my cubemate thinks I am crazy now because it was very difficult to keep the laughter in on this one.

My friend's roommate in college was always stressed out about school. She would often bolt upright in bed at 3 in the morning and freak out about what time it was and ask if she had to be in a certain class or test. For this reason, she couldn't sleep on the bottom bunk. Hilarious!

Jenna said...

THIS WAS AMAZING

Anonymous said...

I had a fake anorexic (fakeorexic?) roommate. I had some Halloween candy, and she used to help herself to the mini Three Musketeers, eat the chocolate shell, and then THROW AWAY THE NOUGAT. Perfectly good nougat! Wasted!

I live alone now.

KRR said...

Bravo. My freshman year my roommate had night terrors. Full on, wake you from a deep slumber with her horror movie-caliber screams type of night terrors. She had meds for this but they "gave her weird dreams" so she didn't take them. The irony of this was completely lost on her.

Erin said...

Love the Center Stage reference!

Both my college roommate and I talked in our sleep and it would confuse the crap out of our suite mates when they walked in our room. The bad part is that I am totally honest in my sleep and will answer any question. I never let BFs in on that secret.

Lolo said...

Once in college I definitely woke myself up out of a sound sleep because i was singing. I was waking up all mad thinking WHO THE F* IS SINGING AT THIS HOUR!??! and then i realized it was me. oops.

Also, i'm actually a really deep sleeper and once rolled over to allow what i thought was my then-boyfriend into my bed. Next morning i realized it was my roommate, who was too drunk to get up the ladder into her bed loft. Her poor boyfriend was unnecessarly scrunched into the crack of the twin sized dorm bed cause he thought she was still there. whoops.

LBMay said...

Thank you for this post! My bf talks in his sleep all the time.

The other night I woke up to my bf saying "BALLS! BALLS! Standard bat-mitzvah balls" Apparently he was trying to explain disco-balls in his dream, but it was hilarious and I will never let him live it down.

I am going to start keeping a note pad next to the bed.

Anonymous said...

Chris - I literally just wet myself a bit from the Center Stage reference and took 20 min trying to explain it to my boss so she wouldn't fire me. Where the came from, I dont know. All I can say is: AMAZING. Also maybe I should stock up on Depends? I'm too young for this.

Anonymous said...

My college roommate would also write down what i said in my sleep, it was Hilarious when she would tell me the next morning that i was talking about being chased by wild dogs or complaining that my dad wouldn't buy me a new polly pocket

Catherine said...

I.Love.This.

Liz said...

Have you seen the movie "While You Were Sleeping"? It literally has nothing to do with your post...other than the same title I suppose.

Anyway, its a mediocre 90s film starring Sandra Bullock, Peter Gallagher (from Center Stage no less!), and Bill Pullman. And you just instilled the urge to watch it. Great.

Shanimal said...

My best friend was my first college roommate - I thought we knew everything about each other when we moved in, but I was soooo wrong. Girl totally talked in her sleep... and apparently so do I.

We had a marathon night of sleep talking. She started it off with "She can't move to Colorado. There's too many pimps there." To which apparently I responded with "There's way too much testosterone on this campus". However, the jewel of the night: She jumps out of bed, gives me the stink eye and exclaimed "I don't want any of your fluffy eared business" and promptly fell back onto her pillow.

Kathryn said...

obviously loved the whole post but my personal favorite part was the Center Stage part. LOVE IT, LOVE YOU.

haphazardfluke said...

For your enjoyment, check out this:
http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

Courtio said...

"can you make my skins shine like new" is the funniest sentence i've heard in over a fortnight.

Bridget said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bridget said...

THAT video is even funnier than the humping turtle. Seriously I watched it like five times. I was gasping for breath. It's amazing. And the whole time I kept thinking things like, "thank god rusty has such a low center of gravity or else he could seriously hurt himself during one of those falls," and "I hope Rusty's owners never let him walk down the steps without direct supervision. That could be disasterous."

Corrie said...

chris this is, by far, the most hysterical post you've ever written. i die on it!

and the video?! it all felt so surreal. good work :)

Anonymous said...

not cool to joke about eating disorders. being a bulimic in recovery, i found your reference really insulting. educate yourself before posting something like that again.

Anonymous said...

CHRIS i could not stop snort-laughing (cute, i know), this was high-larious. and i loved all the commenters' anecdotes as well. my current roommate also talks in her sleep, but she speed talks, so it's difficult to catch. the last thing i heard her say (in a voice that literally scared the shit out of me) was "stop looking at me like i'm the fucking devil! i'll show you the REAL devil!" it was terrifying because i totally thought she was awake (she'd nodded off while reading in bed)

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