3.02.2010

I don't want to be a Toys'R'Us kid

There's no recrap today because I might be mentally handicapable. I've been getting so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life lately, what with the upcoming move across state lines, finding a new job, getting out of my lease, etc. and so on. And when I get overwhelmed, I turtle. Which isn't to say that I go on a shoe raping binge. Not that kind of turtle. No, once I start getting a little too whelmed, I just shut down and ignore everything until my problems go away. Is this mature? Nope. Does this solve anything? Nope. Does it make me feel better? Nope. Why do I do it? Probably some Freudian explanation that I'm stalled in the oral stage of development. Or maybe Dr. Reuben has a better reason. Because I'm gay and therefore have the mental capabilities of a sea sponge and any space in my brain is devoted to cooking up perverse new ways to get freaky.

But that's neither here nor there. What is there is that I need to learn to grow up fast. Now I don't want to get like OLD, because I can say with near certainty that I know I'm going to be that crazy old man who yells at small children and wears cardigans that smell like Ben Gay. I just mean that there are certain things out there in the real world that I need to learn fast.

When does someone sit me down to go over the ins and outs of the financial world with me? Because this is something that I don't think I'll ever understand like half the plot of Mission Impossible. Am I supposed to believe that one day I'm blessed with the knowledge of APRs? I don't think that's true. I used to hate on Finance majors in school (mainly because everyone I knew with a Finance major spent 4 years playing Xbox and then graduated with a $100K job) but they really do have a leg up on me in the world. A degree in Biology isn't exactly real world applicable. I can't go around pointing out people's aortas or talking about molecules or various other things that I supposedly learned in college. I don't think knowing the difference between sea lions and seals (sea lions have distended testicles, seals do not. you're welcome) will help me determine which brand of insurance will give me the best coverage for the best price. But then again, this is overwhelming.

You know what else I really need to man up and start doing? Eating like a human being. Because a condiment sandwich is not real food and does not satisfy any of the food pyramid requirements. But cooking not only takes time, it also requires trips to the grocery store, which also take time and money. Time and money that I could spend playing Erotic Photo Hunt at a bar (easily the best way to make new friends ever). I've always said that if I could, right now, I'd have a kid, which is probably a little weird for a 24-yr-old guy to say but regardless, God help that child because it would be the most malnourished, sickly child ever. I should probably learn how to take care of a houseplant before jumping into parenthood. If I can't keep a ficus alive, how do I expect to keep my child, incidentally also named Ficus, alive? I don't understand how people do it. How are you my age and with child? I can barely look after myself, let alone a crying, pooping, hungry infant.

The most important lesson I've yet to learn is that I'm not going to like everyone out there on Planet Earth, nor is everyone going to like me. Do you know how hard this is to expect? Remember when I told you all that I'm a friend hoarder? Can someone please intervene and tell me it's best to sever those ties than to remain friends with the human equivalent of the Ebola virus? It doesn't help that I'm just inherently a people pleaser (which I'm sure comes as a surprise to many of you who think I'm the direct spawn of Satan). So when someone decides that they aren't fond of me, I can't help but take it personally. Like really personally. Like I will hunt you down, Anonymous commenters, and tie you to a chair and make you love me. Eventually, I'm going to need to learn to let go of things/people. Before I end up in a house filled floor to ceiling with Target shopping bags full of old friends and mice droppings. That's no way to live.

When we were in the process of graduating, my friends and I would be lamenting the fact that once we graduate we'll be actual adults. That could not have been further from the truth. If any of you reading this are still in college, rest assured that once you get your diploma, this does not automatically bestow you with all the knowledge of an adult. I actually wouldn't be surprised if you weren't a little dumber when you get your diploma than when you entered college. Brain cell genocide and all of that. Do I want to be a Toys'R'Us kid forever? No because I'm not convinced that Jeffery the Giraffe isn't a pedophile. Just realizing that I've got a long way to go before I'll ever consider myself an adult.

31 comments:

Brittany said...

Chris, I totally agree with your statement. I feel as if I am an adult at this point in my life: being 21 years old, being married, and owning my own house makes me feel pretty grown up. Being an accountant and going to school does too. However, everyone I meet says, "You don't fully grow up until you have kids," and that kinda scares me into not wanting those babies for a while. BNOTB.

Not to mention that my 19-yr-old husband and I play warcraft 3 at night before we go to bed instead of studying. But sometimes I feel grown up, but then people remind me there will always be something else you haven't done yet to be grown up.

I guess I won't understand until I have kids.

Anonymous said...

I think that you always think that you're going to be an adult after X event happens. For instance, all of my friends and I are about to graduate college (like you mentioned) and it just feels like we're on the brink of adulthood. Maybe that's what it's always like...until one fine day, you realize you're an adult because you just wish you could be a kid again. Maybe we should never aspire to be "adults"....we should just to aspire to be what makes us happy and what works best in any given situation? This whole being mature thing is confusing. :(

Philby said...

I think "growing up" is a personal choice and doesn't really have a lot to do with life milestones (altho having kids definitely forces you to make some changes).

I'm 29, own a condo (altho the ex lives there, GF not wife thankfully), and have a well paying corporate America 9-5 job. Sounds grown up huh?

Well on the flip side everyone I hang out with on a regular basis is under 24, I'm up drinking til sometime betweeen midnite and 2 on Mondays and Wednesday, and the occasional Tue/Thur depending on whats going on. Friday/Saturday nights I'm typically up drinking/dancing until 4 or 5AM, and I usually start drinking as soon as I wake up Sat/Sun morning. Sounds like college huh?

My point is spend time doing what you enjoy, and someday you'll want to spend time learning about financial planning and eating correctly instead of going to the bar for happy hour and hope you know where you are when you wake up the next morning....maybe.

Becky Mochaface said...

Nothing makes you feel more like an adult that buying your first house. And I still hesitate to call myself an adult.

Tiffany said...

I love erotic photo hunt! Best bar game ever!

Jessica Ellis said...

"I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?"
"I think you can in Europe."
I don't know if you were referencing that wonderful moment in 90's teen movie history, from "10 Things I Hate About You", but if you were: well. played.

That said, I (unfortunately) have felt like an adult for a few years now, which is kind of a bummer. And I'm only 27! So, you have that to look forward to when you DO start feeling like an adult. Not only will you miss being a kid, but you will also miss those (relatively) carefree days as a young adult who didn't quite feel "grown up" yet. See you when you get here. :)

Stuck In Neverland said...

I totally agree with your blog! Instead of Jeffrey the Giraffee I feel like Peter Pan...never wanting to grow up. I have a good job, own a house, am getting married in October and will be 25 soon. I hate being a "grown up". I would love nothing more to be back in college, sans responsiblity. Best advice, just take it one day at a time and hopefully it all falls together. (hopefully)

Patrick said...

I'm 26, married, with a "good" job, and just bought my first house. However, I'm not going to feel like a grown up until I have a kid of my own. Even then, I'm pretty sure it'll come and go.

I still hear people talking about things that I know I should definitely know about and I just Wikipedia it or something. Thank God for the internet or I would've never known about the actual existence of Narwhals. Proof that God has a sense of humor.

Patrick said...

I'm 26, married, with a "good" job, and just bought my first house. However, I'm not going to feel like a grown up until I have a kid of my own. Even then, I'm pretty sure it'll come and go.

I still hear people talking about things that I know I should definitely know about and I just Wikipedia it or something. Thank God for the internet or I would've never known about the actual existence of Narwhals. Proof that God has a sense of humor.

SpongeTim LawyerPants said...

Meh... I think feeling 'grown up' is just a function of how seriously you take yourself and how serious you are.

For instance, I dated a guy who was a uni drop out / checkout chick at a supermarket chain. I, on the other hand, am a corporate lawyer with a mammoth law firm (with 2 degrees, honours, wah wah wah).

In our relationship, he was the grown up... not because he was more capable, but because he just took himself more seriously and hence treated things more seriously.

I personally don't see the point. I am perfectly capable of understanding the terms and conditions of various insurance policies (hell, I charge people a few hundred bucks an hour to do that kind of stuff). Does that mean I will spend the time doing that? No.

I am willing to accept there's stuff I don't know and wing it. I'd rather spend my time doing things that are fun and enjoying life... I can obsess about boring things when I'm... uhhhh... not ever.

Laura said...

My mom's first boss told her this and then she told me this and it actually brings me a lot of comfort from time to time so maybe it will help you: "When I graduated college I thought I knew everything. A year later I was convinced I knew nothing. That's when I started to learn." I guess I feel like I'm learning to be an adult...

The Realist said...

My dad's theory of teaching me financial responsibility was this: cut me off, give me a 2000 page book on financial theory, and tell me I had to do my taxes before they were due in 2 days.

I am still fearing being audited 3 years later because I have no idea what I was doing.

Anonymous said...

Whoa! 21,25,26 married and owning a house...those comments make me feel like I am some sort of immature idiot. Hahah 25, not getting married anytime soon and definitely NOT buying a house anytime soon.

Veronica said...

I agree with Anonymous, am in utter awe of people being married at 21, 25,& 26. I am about to turn 29 and still happily inhabit a studio apartment and get paid very little at my shitastic job. The fact that I watch 16 & Pregnant and feel like I'm still too young and immature to get pregnant says something. I'm a responsible citizen, but would not consider myself an "adult" in the traditional sense.

JamaLee said...

Thanks for the post; I am not alone!!

Brittany said...

Veronica, I think you are awesome. I feel really sorry about your shitastic job, but really everything just fell in place for me to get married. I support the single ladies!

And I don't get paid 30,000 a year, but this 3bedroom/2bath house is cheaper than our 3rd story 2bed/2bath apt. that we had before this.

And me being married at 21 isn't really that big a deal, since I married my best friend (knowing how a guy grows up and how he really acts is a big deal), it's really just like having him sleepover and do my bidding.

Lawl.

Oh, and I totally freak out when I watch the 16 & Pregnant show, and the I didn't know I was pregnant TLC show. Those things scare the hell outta me.

Anonymous said...

I'm 28, have had plenty of great jobs (even though I went to art college!!!) (one of which was as a Finance Counselor for THREE YEARS) and have passed on the home owning to live with my boyfriend in Germany. We aren't too excited about kids. We are, however, excited about lots of travel without anything holding us back.

If that means that I will never be a true adult, awesome. You can grow up and still keep yourself young. Promise.

Jessica said...

I loved every single word in this post because that is my life too a T. But I especially loved it because of the mention of the erotic photo hunt. My bff and I call it the "nudey picture game" we get a little over excited when we spot it at bars, and we play it when it is highly inappropriate (like at pubs while families with little children are eating lunch). After reading your post, the two of us spent an hour gchatting about how amazing it would be to spend a night in DC playing the nudey picture game at a bar with you and Meg.

Rosalyn said...

I endearingly love the Erotic Photo Hunt, largely because of the incident (in which I was introduced to this masterpiece of a bar game) in which the 2 guys hitting on my friend and me decided it was the perfect game to play with us. Either their rationale was 'this will get them hot and raring to go when we suggest coming back to our place' or 'this will get us hot and raring to go when we suggest coming back to our place' (I'll be the first to admit I'm not a 10, so it could have been they thought we were just plain enough not to be completely embarrassed the next morning with their friends). But in both possibilities, the reality was they came off as super creepers who visually jacked off to the photos, while my friend and I kicked their asses while finding the difference in the length of her shawl draped next to her vajayjay.

Also, googling 'Erotic Photo Hunt' brought up my new favorite article ever: http://tiny.cc/0C7YW

Maria said...

I'm about to graduate college this May and I'm terrified exactly because I know it will not make me an adult, but I will be expected to be an adult anyway, and I totally do not know how to do that.

Anonymous said...

Do narwhals have distended testicles?

mary.kate.olsen. said...

i think its geoffrey the giraffe. even more pedo-ey.

Anonymous said...

He gripped Tykirs hip, lest they both topple from the strength of his thrusts. Dirt and grime smeared his skin, and his sleek hair was a knotted, tangled mess. A little while ago. Lanthan slumped in the sand, one fist pounding dust as Arkir thrust into him again. She waited until her breathing felt right again.
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Kristen White said...

I've been out of college almost 10 years and out of law school almost 7 and I STILL feel like a bumbling jackass trying to hold it together 1/2 the time. Oh and I totally love to ignore problems until they go away (though at work I have to supress this urge).

ashzilla said...

I feel ya. I've had alot of my own thoughts on this issue with myself lately too. Sometimes I go through phases too. I was married at 19 (way too young) and now I'm 23 and divorced. I think I was more mature at 20, but I have also learned alot and though sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing, I'm getting there. I'm sure you are too. Its not always the easiest to recognize.

mona said...

sir I am like you in approximately nine different ways, excluding the homosexual male part but straight females are the same thing right? RIGHT? MEN LIKE WOMEN WHO ACT LIKE GAY MEN?

Anyway! I can barely dress myself without having to call out for help. Every morning is literally "OH SO YOUR ARMS GO THROUGH THESE....SLEEVES YOU CALL THEM?"

And people not liking me. It bugs me out, when I think about people not liking me it kills me. Especially when I think that these people who don't like me AREN'T EXACTLY TELLING ME ABOUT IT. So they're hating me behind my back. And there is nothing I can do to change their minds short of murdering their loved ones.

I don't know what this comment is supposed to mean! I just like getting my personal shortcomings off my chest commenting on internet blogs like any normal, sane person does

Julia said...

can I just ask... how do you play erotic photo hunt?

Jessica said...

Julia, look for a Megatouch screen in a bar, they usually sit on the bar at your typical dive/college bar. They have all sorts of harmless games on them like checkers, solitaire, (i actually don't know the other games because I only ever go to the erotic section). Anyways it displays two pictures side by side that are seemingly the same but there are 5 differences you have to find on the touch screen before the time runs out. So amazing, I could talk about it all day.

kateebee said...

i feel like you just peered inside my brain had a little look-see and then wrote this post. sooooo true. playing naked photo hunt with my friends gets us more creepy looks at 26 in real-world bars than it ever did in college bars so we've been cutting back. and i miss it. :(

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