First and foremost, happy 25th birthday to Ex Co-Blogger Chris!!!!!!!!1 (Or as my phone called it when the reminder alarm went off five minutes ago, "Chris' 25th Sex Romp.") I hope you have a fabulous weekend, I love you a shit ton and I wish I could be here to celebrate with you this weekend! (Hugthatlingersslightlytoolongtobeplatonic!)
Second and second most, while setting up the auto-post schedule for next week, I came to the frightening realization that neither Tulane Chris or I will be here on Friday to do a live T.G.I. Hagman update. In light of the recent passing of Lady McClanahan, this scares the crap out of me. WHAT IF LARRY HAGMAN DIES AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT BECAUSE I WASN'T HERE TO CHECK IN ON HIM?!!?!?!?! I can't be responsible for that! I can't be responsible for killing one of the greatest genie-fetishist/cowboy/stroke victim actors in television history! I couldn't. Therefore, I expect you all to hold your own T.G.I. Hagman's next week and celebrate in whatever way you and your god feel appropriate. Perhaps down some bourbon while back-handing a sassy ex-beauty queen?
OH HOLY SHIT, speaking of Dallas references: I will physically be in Dallas next Friday. IS THAT A SIGN?!?! IS LARRY HAGMAN GOING TO DIE ON THE DAY THAT I'M IN DALLAS BUT DON'T HAVE THE MEANS TO UPDATE THE WORLD ON HIS HEALTH?!?!?!?! Are there cyber cafes in Dallas?! I wish I was freaking out for comedic value, but I'm just not. Damn you Ex Co-Blogger Eddie. Damn you for transferring your unhealthy fixation on Larry Hagman's health to me.
I'm getting anxious. Time to check in with the old cowboy.
As of June 11th, 2010 at 1:12am, Larry Hagman is...alive! And here's to him staying that way while I'm off prancing around Ireland with hottie Timtern from Kell on Earth. ...And Alex. And Becca. And Geoff. And my parents. And minus hottie Timtern from Kell on Earth. BUT PLUS THE INCOMPARABLE SPIRIT OF LARRY HAGMAN!
Welp! Unfortunately I have to cut this short because I need to get some sleep before our incredibly long day of traveling tomorrow, but Tulane Chris will be back Monday morning and here to entertain you all week long. I've read all of his posts for next week and I'll give you two teasers: Nazis and scat porn. YEP. It's gonna be a great week to be alive. (HAGMAN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!) Plus, I'll be dropping in periodically from Ireland, so keep checking back! Have a great week everyone! Miss you already! Buh-bye!
As of 10:47am on April 16th, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! BEST. BIRTHDAY PRESENT. EVER.
That's right, today is my 25th birthday. Bitch be old. I mention this less to get attention and more so to explain why there won't be a post today. Sorr about that. I still have strong feelings for you that border on love. It's just that I switched shifts with someone at work today specifically so I could sleep in and spend all day pantsless in bed doing fuck all. I feel like of all people, you'd understand.
Hope you guys have a great weekend and we'll see you right back here bright and early Monday morning! Buh-bye!
Man. For a while there it looked like a recap of last night's episode of Kell On Earth was not meant to be. I was over at Laura's last night for a lovely dinner (God I love having friends who cook) when I realized at about 10:20ish that Chris' TV is probably sitting in Rosslyn while Chris is probably sitting in New York and I should probably stop sitting here binge eating coconut rice and go home to catch the 11 o'clock repeat. But that wouldn't be too hard to do, right? I just had to zoom down the red line from Van Ness to Dupont; a mere four stops. Shouldn't take more than two shakes of a lambs tail, right? WRONG! Wrong, wrong, wrong. Because when the DC metro isn't catching on fire or killing somebody or cracking in half like an Easter egg, it's a 525,600 minute wait until the next train. Christ.
But that's OK! I figured I could always stay up writing my inner monologue until the 2am repeat like last week. I had some ruminations about flags I could share with you. BUT NO! Directly after Kell On Earth, Bravo showed A Few Good Men for the next 900 hours. Which, as it turns out, was pretty good movie. I think that's a known fact though. I hear there's this new animated movie called Aladdin that's out and supposed to be really good! Maybe I'll catch that next.
I woke up early this morning to see if last night's episode was online yet, but it wasn't. I tried looking on obscure sketchy Korean youtube sites, but it was just anime and reruns of The Marriage Ref. I gave up and decided I should download it from iTunes but they don't sell individual episodes, just a season pass. Figuring I shouldn't spend my remaining 10-tree-house-dollars on a season pass to a show I've already seen 80% of, I decided sorry but eff that ess. Then I realized I simply have to scroll to the right to buy an episode individually. HA HA...oh me. A physics major, I was not. So I went ahead and bought it on iTunes and now we can all enjoy a Kell On Earth recap. That's how much I love you all. $1.99's worth. But remember I'm Jewish, so that's like $199 to us. You're welcome, world. L'CHAIM!
Kell On Earth Episode 7: Tough Times
If Terrance Howard taught me anything in the major motion picture Hustle and Flow, it's that it's hard out there for a pimp. And by a pimp, I believe he meant Kelly Cutrone. Kelly is hurtin' from the recession, you guys, in a big, big way. Bitches don't pay their bills (which reminds me, I need to pay my cable bill...) and homegirl has to run around town hauling people's asses into Small Claims Court to get the money they owe her while trying to find new business to bring in while trying to decrease overhead and increase revenue and UGH! Good job, Recession. (Side note: the fuck? I'm watching TV and Nicole Sullivan is doing Jenny Craig commercials?.........is it 1992?? That would suck. How old was I in 1992? 7? 8? Why can't I do that math? I literally just opened a new tab to type "How old was I in 1992?" into google. That's sad. Why am I typing any of this?)
Speaking of money issues, People Revolution needs to hire a new Account Executive to replace Vorhees and fast. Robyn interviews a tiny little stick bug of a thing who's chin could skewer shish-kebab meat named Mallory. Mallory used to work with Michelle, PR's Lifestyle Director. If I forgot why I love Kelly Cutrone, this scene reminded me why. At a certain point during Mallory's very serious interview with Robyn, Kelly opens the door and is like, "Excuse me, I don't mean to be unprofessional...BuT rObYn Is ThIs YoUr HeAdBaNd CoLlEcTiOn?!?!1"and wacky kazoo music plays. I don't know. It just really struck a chord with me. Kelly goes on to explain that she lost her hiring privileges when she started meditating in an interview and Robyn got really pissed at her. OH KELLY! What will you do next?
I'll tell you what she won't do—give you free advice, asshole! Kelly is sick and tired of people trollin' around the office asking her for free advice and favors. I'm sorry, but she has got a business to run, mouths to feed, 15" MacBook Pros to buy for 8-year-old girls who don't even know what "server space" is (I'm sorry, I'm not going to let it go) and she can't afford any of this by giving shit away for free. AND THAT MEANS YOU, GEORGE WAYNE!
George Wayne is a friend of Kelly's and a writer at Vanity Fair and I can't understand a god damn word that comes out of his mouth. Seriously. I can't tell if his accent is British or Jamaican or Creole or if there's a mop in there, but I just barely get out that he wants People's Revolution to throw together a fabulous event for him. For free. In four days. Lofty goals sir, lofty goals. He also wants them to find "somebody fabulous" to host the event, so Michelle hops on her blackberry and shoots off an email to her friend in the Mayor's office. "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME MISS PDA!" George mumbles/shouts (mouts) at Michelle, "THAT IS RUDE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON YOUR BLACKBERRY WHEN I'M HERE?" ...Says the man who refuses to take off his sunglasses in a meeting. Now, if I were Michelle I'd probably fly across the table, rip off the white piping on his little suit and choke a bitch with it, but Michelle handles things with a bit more grace and ease. She eventually gets her revenge though when Kelly refuses to do the event and she's allowed to be the one to call him and break the news. MUHAHAHA. I like that Michelle. I like her moxy. She should get more face time instead of Robyn, who I want to punch in the camel toe every time I see her on screen.
Speaking of Robyn, she decides to go ahead and hire Mallory and give her the completely reasonable salary of $70K a year. ZUH?!?! 70,000 dollars a year?! AMERICAN?!?!? I wouldn't even know what to do with myself if I made that money. The possibilities are endless. I think I'd probably just buy a gilded bathtub, fill it with cocaine and sniff my way out. Just because I could. In which case I guess it's a good thing that I'm unemployed........Anysnort! Monday morning rolls around and everyone comes back into the office, cracks open Page Six and finds giant story about how old Mallory stole $97,000 worth of jewelry at her last job. OOOOF. Good call, Robs. "You know why Mallory didn't call Robyn back to accept a position at People's Revolution?" Kelly asks the camera, "BECAUSE SHE WAS IN THE CLINK!" Kelly Cutrone...please don't ever change.
Whereas last week we got to learn a little more about the private life of Andrew M, this week we learn about Stefanie Skinner. I really like Skinner. I know Co-Blogger Chris doesn't share those sentiments, but whatever. We rarely see eye-to-eye on anything so it kind of makes sense. I loved Bee Movie. He hated it. I have a heart and a childlike sense of wonderment. He does not. I loves me some Stefanie Skinner. He's frightened by her.
I appreciate that Skinner lives in a realistic downtown New York City apartment vs. Andrew's de-luxe apartment in the sky or Kelly's entire city block. Skinner's apartment is small, on the ground floor, doesn't have a dishwasher and costs $1550/mo. PREACH. Likewise, her love life is also kind of in shambles. DOUBLE PREACH.
Skinner's been dating a young gentleman named Alano for a little over a year. Ahhh Skinner and Alano. A love story for the ages. One day Skinner was at a bar with her old boyfriend when she spied young Alano across the bar. Taken aback by his sparse little mustache and girlish figure, she wrote her number on a cocktail napkin in eyeliner and slipped it into his pocket. The next day he texted her and as they say, the rest is history. How much do I love that? It's kind of scandalous. Kind of romantic. Definitely involves a cocktail napkin. Perfect. Unfortunately, Alaro's patience for Skinner's hardcore work ethic is waring thin. Skinner loves her job and doesn't see that changing any time soon though. She's like, I can't sit here and eat scrambled eggs with you all day, dude. WAMP, WAMP. It's very Devil Wears Prada meets lastnightsparty.
Kelly decides to leave Ava in the care of her MacBook Pro for a week and head to the LA office to check in and try to find some new business for them outside of the fashion world. Namely, "My Studio," an aduio/visual high def recording studio for malls. "America loves a contest on a Saturday night in a shopping mall," Kelly says. And how!
Kelly also wants to team up with her old friend Rock Ross, owner of Delicious Vinyl, to do some events in his "beat driven/street driven/dance driven/design driven" art space, "Freak City." Uhhhh, don't give me that look, peasant. Everyone's been to freak city from MIA to Peaches. GAWD! I'm pretty much only mentioning this scene because on her way there, Kelly picks up the phone and does some light rapping/spoken word poetry. No, really. I'm not kidding. She used to be signed to Atlantic Records for it. Kelly Cutrone Def Poetry Jam. The taste we got last night? "If you're over 30 and you want to make some money/ I'm down for the deal/ like Remington Steele." Geinus. If you don't get it, you are clearly a fucking faggot.
Back in the office Andrew M and Skinner are working hard and bonding hard. He makes her a little Givenchy-inspired spiked headband and they go on an adventure to get Red Bull. He thinks she looks beautiful and would definitely date her if he weren't into dudes right now. They should probably just fuck on his Versace chair and get it over with.
DVR TEASER: I think it's true that everything happens for a reason because I am so, so glad I own this episode and can watch this week's DVR Teaser whenever I want. Because it very much features Andrew M talking about stackin' some donuts on his dick. Yep. "It's like ring toss." Andrew M: much like your mentor, you make us better as a people and a nation.
While Kelly is in LA, Robyn hires another Account Executive named Grace who came highly recommended from New York magazine. She has a lot of PR experience (read: four years) and didn't Twitter about her job interview or steal the Hope Diamond, so everyone's pretty stoked on her. I'm not her biggest fan though because she inadvertently gets my BFF Skinner in trouble in this week's Most Pointless Fight of All Time.
Ughhhh...do I even have to go into it? Sigh. The rule at People's Revolution is that nobody goes home unless they can all go home. Grace didn't know this because it was her first day. When she was done with her work, she went up to Skinner and was like, "Yo. I'm done with my work, need help?" and Skinner was like, "Nope, I got it under control," and Grace was like, "Cool, peace," and left. Then rumors starting flying around that Skinner told Grace she could go home, all hell broke lose and Kelly got super cunty with Skinner, Grace and Emily.
It wasn't really a big deal though because a day later Alano breaks up with Stefanie and Kelly is back to giving Skinner advice and letting her cry on her KA-KA-CRAZZZZYYY poncho-ed shoulder.
HI. TODAY IS AN INSANELY BUSY DAY FOR ME. IN FACT THIS ENTIRE UPCOMING WEEKEND IS GOING TO BE INSANELY BUSY. BUSY BUSY BUSY. AND YOU KNOW WHAT DOESN'T HELP? THE FACT THAT MY INTERNET CONNECTION IS MADE OF BROKEN DREAMS AND SHRAPNEL. Hm. Just saw that the blog is on the front page of Washington Business Journal today. Perhaps it would be wise for me to stop typing in all caps now...BUT DON'T FORGET HOW FRUSTRATED I AM.
I think I have about five more minutes until my internet connection disintegrates into dust again, and I think we all know how I'm going to use them.
T.G.I. HAGMAN, BABY! Shit. Meg. Caps. Stop it. Start writing. In full sentences.
As of 1:06pm on March 5, 2010, Larry Hagman is..........alive!
And with that, I think we can all have a wonderful weekend. Sorry today's post was such a quickie. And sorry most of it was in caps. And not particularly funny. Or well written. Hm...good thing I'll be getting extra traffic from WBJ today, huh?! Sigh. Love you guys.
Hope everyone had a lovely MLK day. I had the day off, but was then called into the office and am very likely getting fired tomorrow. So. There's that. WAMP, WAMP!
I know I promised you all a good old fashioned All-American rant on metro pole huggers today, but it's just not going to happen. Boss #1, Boss #2ANDRussell the Homophobic Co-Worker are all in the office today making my life a living hell. In retrospect, I probably should have written today's post last night, but I had a few margaritas and went to bed early instead. I feel like now is the time I should apologize, but frankly, it was awesome and I have no regrets. I'm not even trying to lie. So I guess I apologize for that. Unfortunately I have to wrap things up quickly because I gotta go assume the position while The Holy Trinity of A-Fucks take turns paddling me like the little bitch I am. Or Wednesday, as I call it.
I feel like I should leave you with something...hmm...I sort of wish I hadn't exhausted Turtle Rapes Shoe yesterday. That's my one ace in the hole. Oh, I know! I'll leave you with this comical image I made for Ex Co-Blogger Eddie. Eddie wrote her senior thesis on the 80's soap opera Dallas and in that time became oddly attached to Larry Hagman (aka J.R. Ewing). She was petrified he was going to die before she completed her thesis; a fear that has since grown into an overall obsession with Larry Hagman's health and well-being. It's not unusual for me to get a text or email at least once a week from Eddie simply stating: "Meg, I thought you would like to know that as of _____ at __:__, Larry Hagman is alive." I think 98% of Larry Hagman's Dead or Alive? page traffic comes directly from Eddie. The following are her honest-to-god facebook interests:
Eddie Izzard, Jackie O., Crafting, Dance Parties, Flappers, Cat and Girl, Larry Hagman's Health, Burlesque
My favorite Larry Hagman updates are on Fridays because that means it's the completely fictional, yet gloriously hilarious (probably in my mind, and my mind only) holiday that is... T.G.I. HAGMAN BABY!!!...T.G.I. HAGMAN!
K. Well, that was fun. Hopefully Co-Blogger Chris will swoop in and save the day with something more substantial later this afternoon. In the mean time, pray for Larry Hagman's health.
*BTW: This is what happens when Jäger refuses to support us financially...OH SHIT!
So, as per usual, I'm sick. I called out of work yesterday and spent the majority of the day in bed snuggling a box of Mucinex and a bottle of Gatorade. (Clairitin D < Mucinex, by the way. Hardcore.) Boss #1 gave me attitude when I called out (which is infuriating, given last week's shenanigans) so I decided I better man-up and come in today. Boss #2 called this morning to make sure I was feeling better (read: to make sure I actually showed up) and I was irritated until she told me the most glorious news: MARK THE BIG GAY CO-WORKER GOT FIRED YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replace Carleton with me, and the Bank's living room with my office and you pretty much have a scarily accurate depiction of what I've been doing all morning:
Although I'm pretty sure he got fired for bailing on a bunch of important meetings, I'd like to think my midnight drunken gossip session with Boss #1 about what a giant turd he was played a major part in the firing as well. And my mom said my negative attitude wouldn't get me anywhere...
Welp! Off to plan a last minute lunch and happy hour for Boss #1 while trying not to snarffle all over everything. God I'm attractive. Hearty posts for the rest of the week, I totes swearz it.
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