I love you, Beth Cooper. But I hate you, Paul Simon.

I am super-duper sorry about the No Post Monday yesterday. I worked the longest and most draining shift ever Sunday and overslept Monday morning as a result. I woke up 45 minutes before I had to be at work again and had to choose between writing a blog post or being on time and wearing pants. I made my choice. Was it the right one? Only time will tell. Although I'm tempted to think it wasn't as I went with the option that involved pants, but either way, I'm sorr about the bag.

I'm not going to lie, guys, I'm kind of psyched to be part of the workforce again. I'm sure this will prove to be a temporary feeling, but I really feel less like a dirt bag and waste of space now that I'm working. Normally at the end of the day I'm like, "Welp! Today I watched two back-to-back episodes of
Who's The Boss, stared out the window, did some light Wikipedia work and wrote a blog post about hookworms—you're welcome, society." Now I just feel productive and tired. Yeah, I work retail which isn't exactly what I always wanted to be when I grew up, but I like the people I work with, I'm back in a creative environment and I don't feel the need to pack a cyanide pill in my lunchbox every morning anymore—what more could a girl ask for? (Side note: I love em dashes. If I weren't married to Talia on Facebook, Em Dash and I would be in a relationship slightly more serious than anyone should ever be in with something the width of a capital M. That being said, reader @a_trout replied to something I said on Twitter the other day with the following:

@2birds1blog I applaud the usage of an em dash in that tweet, even if they are ugly as sin.

...Dude. You have no idea how much that tweet fucked up my game. Because now every time I use an em dash, I get all paranoid that I'm using the "ugly as sin" dash and offending all of my readers. Ultimately I don't really give a shit, bless your hearts, but I resent having to take that extra millisecond out of my day to internally debate whether they're ugly or not. It throws my game off completely and stresses me out. I don't know much about you, @a_trout, but I do know the following:

1.) You're from Rochester, NY
2.) You evidently enjoy triple-decker sandwiches
3.) You just broke up a very happy home with me and the em dash.

I hope you're happy with yourself, sir.)

Although I actually like my job for once, it's still not a perfect situation. I promised myself I wouldn't really get into the specifics because I actually like my manager and co-workers and don't want to get fired (NEW EMOTIONS!), but I will admit that there's one person at work who I can't fucking stand. He ruins every single shift I work and frankly, I don't care if he knows it. I'm naming names. His name is PaulPaul Simon.


The same eight Paul Simon songs. Over and over again. All day long.

I hate you, Paul Simon. I hate you and I hate your "music" and it feels so unbelievably liberating to say it here and now. I hate your whiny voice; I hate your hair cut; I hate your beady little eyes; I hate your glasses; I hate that you let Chevy Chase boss you around in the "You Can Call Me Al" video, I hate Edie Brickell and I really hate the song "What I Am", so it only makes sense that you married her; I hate that people judge me and assume I have horrible taste in music when I tell them how much I hate you; I DESPISE the song "Scarborough Fair" (side note: this really doesn't have anything to do with Paul Simon, but during the first few weeks of college freshman year, I was in Ashleigh's room hanging out and getting to know her, etc. when "Scarborough Fair" came on her iTunes. I freaked out and was like, "Oh my god, I hate this song. It's so unbelievably depressing and there's kind of a story behind it for me and just
gah, can you turn it off and never play it around me again?" She turned it off, no questions asked, and later told me she assumed it was a dead relative's favorite song or something and every time I hear it it reminds me of them.

I was hanging out in her room with a few people a month or so later and it came on her iTunes again. Without me even asking, she apologized and turned it off right away. Someone else in the room asked why it's such a painful song for me, so I told them the story behind it
it's the song that plays in the 2000 Jason Biggs/Mena Suvari movie Loser when Jason Biggs is sitting in Washington Square Park all depressed because he doesn't have any friends. Every time I saw that scene (it was on HBO for a while; don't judge me.) I'd be like, "ahhh! He goes to NYU and doesn't have any friends! That's going to be me!" and get ultra depressed. After hearing that, Ashleigh was like, "...SERIOUSLY? THAT'S THE REASON YOU CAN'T LISTEN TO THAT SONG?!" Honestly, that was probably a pretty good introduction to the kind of illogical reasoning you have to deal with on a daily basis when you're friends with me. But she stuck with, so it can't be that annoying, right?...RIGHT?!

In short: I hate Paul Simon. And I should mention this hatred isn't a result of hearing his music on repeat all day at work. We play the same Michael Bubl
é CD over and over again and guess what? I physically can't get enough of it. That man can croon. It's just Paul Simon's music that makes me want to claw my own ears off mid-transaction.

I should also clarify that I hated Paul Simon way before I ever got this job. His Graceland album was a staple in the McBlogger family car growing up and after years of being forced to listen to it anytime we went anywhere, it mysteriously vanished. It was this big to-do because my parents thought Becca lost it, but she maintained that it must have fallen out of the CD player when the car was getting serviced at the dealership and we never got a new one because nobody would step up to the plate and take the blame. Little did they know that I took that CD, broke it into 5,000 little pieces and buried it in an unmarked grave down by the river. And when I was done, I pissed on that grave, flicked my cigarette onto the freshly disturbed soil and laughed and laughed. Just kidding. I didn't do any of that. I think it fell out at the dealership, but! I was fuckin' psyched when it's reign of terror was over.

There was a lull in business on Sunday and I decided to take that time to make a comprehensive list of everything I would rather listen to than Paul Simon. I leave you now with that list.

Things I Would Rather Listen to Than Paul Simon:
- Pan flute music

- A baby cry

- Car breaks screech

- A lonely fog horn

- A pregnant woman in labor

- Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frenkel work out their differences

- A slain dragon take it's last, dying breath

- Russell The Homophobic Co-Worker suck air through his teeth

- The waiter at T.G.I. Friday's tell me today's specials. Again.

- A disco whistle

- A college a capella group sing Journey's Don't Stop Believin'. But not like the best a capella group on campus, the group that when you don't get into the best group you're roommate comforts you by saying, "Aww, it's OK! You could always try out for ________ !" That group singing Journey's Don't Stop Believin'.

- My neighbor having slappy sex

- Someone trying to convince me that global warming is a myth, as evidenced by The Snowpocalypse

- A good pussy story

- Amateur slam poetry

- Two hours of Bob Saget stand-up comedy

- My mom lecture me about how my blog makes me look like an alcoholic

- My dad ask me if I'm still going to the gym

- My dad ask me if I'm still going to the gym right after my mom lectures me about how my blog makes me look like an alcoholic

- My dad ask me if I'm still going to the gym right after my mom lectures me about how my blog makes me look like an alcoholic during my birthday dinner

- An Evening with Kevin Smith

- A passive-aggressive sigh

- Vern "Mini-Me" Troyer talk about Heath Ledger's death on Access Hollywood

- Someone practice their cockney accent for a local production of Oliver!

- Evie scrow

- Someone talk about how their college really emphasized community service

- Any given Nickelback song

- Someone talk about how good it feels to go to the gym early in the morning before work

- The pros and cons of NuvaRing

- A vacuum cleaner going over broken glass

- A single mother talking about how it's just so hard

- The benefits of veganism

- John Mayer performing a never-ending mic check

- The soft whimpers of a grown man crying himself to sleep

- Ke$ha's "Tik-Tok". (I know, strong words.)

- Angry mid-90's Riot Grrrl music

- Dane Cook discuss the craft of acting

- The meanest anonymous comments ever left on the blog read aloud by Fran Drescher


(8 minutes in. Get tissues.)


Anonymous said...

Hate Paul Simon? WHOOPS, you lose. He's pretty much the best, and there's no way you can win this. I don't care if your family was murdered to his Greatest Hits album while you watched, he's still TEH BEST. Sorry, but there's no way you can win this. Enjoy your stay in Opposite Town, where everything that's The Best is The Worst!

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


Angie said...

It's okay, I got you girl. I spent my whole life listening to music my dad liked over and over and over again--- (see what I did there??) Paul Simon included, but mostly the Beatles. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but feel no need to put them on my iPod, buy posters, wear tshirts or use their lyrics in my facebook status because I can guarantee you I've heard all of their songs more than anyone else could ever try to. At this point, any effort on my part seems excessive.

Anonymous said...

Question Meg...by Journey's Living on a Prayer do you in fact mean Bon Jovi's Livin on a Prayer? Because whenever I need a reason to be happy about not dating my ex anymore, I picture his college acapella group screaming Livin on a Prayer, jumping around like cracked out valets in their matching jackets.

Unknown said...

What are your thoughts about Garfunkel? I have to confess I like S&G's earlier works, but only because of the Art Man's influence, I'm sure. He sounds like a pot-smokin' free-thinkin' beatnik and I dig, man.

Cassie said...

What exactly is 'slappy sex?'

I don't understand and I'm trying hard to imagine what that sounds like.

Tina said...

AH! I worked at Borders and they played Paul Simon on repeat all the time and it made me want to slice myself. And I didn't even have a pre-existing hatred for the guy.

In fact, I would say I enjoyed watching him get pushed around by Chevy Chase.

But I totally get you. My aversion is more towards AC/DC (and trust me...I get a lot of flack for this one).

I'd rather hear all those things on your list PLUS listen to Nicholas Sparks talk about why he is better than Shakespeare, Cormac McCarthy and God than listen to AC/DC.

Elisa said...

This reminds me of the god-awful time my sister and I had to sleep on the WORST PULL OUT BED EVER, and we played the "Where Would You Rather Be Sleeping?" game, which is remarkably similar to the "What Would You Rather Listen To Than Paul Simon?" game. Good times.

But sometimes a little "you can call me Betty, and Betty when you call me you can caaaaalll meeee Allll, call me Al" can be a nice addition to a road trip. ...don't hurt me, Meg.

Anonymous said...

On the 42 bus this morning some guy was trying to convince everyone that hookworms cured allergies...I really wanted to yell at him to read this blog, but I honestly didn't have that much energy circa 8am

Sarah said...

Dear, sweet Lord.

I've had to replace the "Graceland" album about four times in my life.

I always thought people were stealing it because it's so awesome.

But, pretty much, you've completely fucked with my head, and now I'm worried that people I consider awesome actually don't like Paul Simon and have stolen the album so I won't listen to it.

God damn it.

LB said...

"John Mayer performing a never-ending mic check"

Seriously. I want to cut my ears off. And blind myself while I'm at it.

Sarah said...

P.S. Scarborough Fair does suck. But Paul Simon is fantastic. And I'm pretty sure he has a huge penis, to boot.

Caitlin said...

Best. list. ever.

And I may or may not have thought about naming your Em Dash lover Em Dashian. I watch too much E!, clearly.

Andrea said...

I waited and waited for you to post yesterday just so I could leave this comment, but I once forgot to wear shoes to work, and it was pretty bad, so I understand how pants take precedent...

I was at my cousin's graduation party this weekend, it was outside and crazy windy. And crazy drunken. So we're playing Baggo (do people play this outside of WI?), and one of my cuz's real drunk friends decides she wants to try, even though she's never played before and she could barely walk. So she takes the bag and gives it a toss. Between her horrible throw and the extreme wind the bag flies way off course and wacks this really hot guy who was NOT there with our party. She looks at the guy, slurs out "sorr about the bag" and turns and, literally, runs away. Everyone laughed, but there were a couple of us that laughed real extra hard, and we figured out that we all read your blog. So now you have a mini fan club in the beer, brat and cheese state.

P.s. We just had a huge debate at work yesterday about the proper usage of the em vs en dashes. It's amazing how well your blog ties into my life. And by amazing I mean slightly creepy.

Erica said...

Annnd now I have "If You'll Be My Bodyguard" stuck in my head...thanks?

Laurie said...

I love the randomness of this list! Like who thinks of such things to hate. My friends and I used to play a game called "I'd rather _________ than listen to Kathy Griffin." But she's grown on me.

Cassie: Slappy sex I assume would be when you can hear the skin of both parties slapping together. No one wants to hear that.

Anonymous said...

Meg! Livin on a Prayer was by Bon Jovi not Journey!!

Unknown said...

The finale of Damages last night had the exact line "Sorry about the bag" delivered at a critical moment....thought you should know!

Anonymous said...

You don't like Paul Simon. And that's okay. But Ke$ha?!?! I love that girl.

Sabri said...

I HATE PAUL SIMON SO MUCH IT HURTS AND NOW I"M NOT ALONE!!!! thank you thank you, a million times thank you Meg. I am sending this post to every "friend" I have every had to argue my convictions about his lame cheerful girl voice with. God Bless you Meg.

Nick H. said...

After months of reading your blog, I've finally found something I just can't agree with you on. Surprisingly, it's not bad a capella groups or even Paul Simon...It's the em dash.

What a wretched little piece of punctuation. It just sits there in a sentence, not ever knowing if it's supposed to be parentheses, a comma, or a semicolon.

An em dash is like the dark period I had in college before I discovered alcohol -- just unrealized potential.(See what I did there?)

Kerri said...

Am I the only one that calls an em dash a "double dash" -- as I learned in high school -- and had to look up what an "em dash" was?

Also, "You Can Be My Bodyguard" is called "You Can Call Me Al." Why do I know this? Because it's one of my boyfriend's all time favorite songs/music videos and it makes me want to puncture my eardrums. I HATE it!

Also, apparently there is a town called Chevy Chase in Maryland. Which came first....?

Unknown said...

EM DASHIAN! hilarious! meg this list is priceless. Esp The pros and cons of NuvaRing. Thank you you glorious, glorious basterd <3

Beatrice said...

'Livin' on a Prayer' is by Bon Jovi, not Journey. They do 'Don't Stop Believin'. I can see how you can get the two of them confused, as they are both usually played at the bar during last call, which I am sure like me, you are WAY too drunk at that point to really know what's going on. I just happen to be a HUUUUGE Bon Jovi fan. I forgive you.

...if you come to my birthday party this Satruday night please please please please please!!

Anonymous said...

Kerri, technically an em dash is a single dash that is the length of that typeface's capital M, while an en dash is a single dash the width of that typeface's capital N. In order to properly type an em dash you have to use glyphs or keyboard shortcuts bc the dash on the keyboard is an en dash, which is why people commonly replace it with a double en dash, which is actually grammatically incorrect in any situations. I think that Microsoft Word automatically replaces the double en with an em, which is probably why you learned it in school.

/typographer's rant

kerry a. said...

the bowl cut is so intense. also, i love the em dash.

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, I didn't know an em dash from a tilde so I looked it up on wikipedia. I loved this bit: "Similarly, it can be used instead of an ellipsis to indicate aposiopesis, the rhetorical device by which a sentence is stopped short not because of interruption but because the speaker is too emotional to continue, such as Darth Vader's line "I sense something, a presence I have not felt since—" in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope."

I was right there with them until "...such as Darth Vader's line..."

then a visual of the 118 lb, spectacled, 38 year old virgin who must have written that popped in my head and everything else was gone.

GALaxy said...

What is with retail establishments and their incessant need to terrorize their employees with continuously looping music?! Just be thankful it's not Rock Lobster and We Are The Champions playing 40 times a day, because those are my musical demons from working in retail almost 4 years ago. Whenever I hear those songs now, I have to make them stop -- even if it means clawing my own ears off (love that em dash!).

Mrs. P said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs. P said...

Retail terrorism, circa 2004: That "take me to the river" song on a loop. The same song that "Big Mouth Billy Bass" sang while mounted on a plastic board. Singing fake taxidermy...shudder.

Gpuff said...

I can't get on board with the Paul Simon hate, but I definitely understand the sentiment. Imagine a 12 hour drive with a chain smoker and Jimmy Buffet's A1A on a continuous loop and you have my childhood Christmases (Chritmas's?). Screw you margaritaville, and no, I would not like to have a Cheeseburger in Paradise.

Anonymous said...

But Paul Simon gave us, "Why am I soft in the middle when my life is so hard?"

How can you argue with that?

austin said...

I just listened to the entirety of the Graceland record, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Do you know why, Meg? To spite you. To spite you and your inability to get back to people when they so desperately need to talk to you.

Outta my face. Outta my face.


Stephanie said...

(I'm in love with the author of the anonymous comment who explained the em verses en dash. I dunno, just seems like someone who might appreciate my collection of ampersand bookends and ranting, raving adoration of the oxford comma.)

& ok. Paul Simon? I, too, hated him as a kid thanks to my dad. I, however, have now seen the light. Paul Simon, with or without Art Garunkel, is amazing. So there's that. We'll just have to agree to disagree.

BUT - I can't even imagine working in retail. I get irritable & pissy over the repetitive (and usually terrible) music if I spend too long in a dressing room. You have my sympathy.

The list kicked ass though. I could identify with all of it. Though I'd add the sound of dentistry tools.

Anonymous said...

I'm sort of blown away that you mistook Bon Jovi for Journey...I didn't see that kind of error coming from you.

Z said...

Can we trade work environments? It sounds like this background music would basically create my dream job. I love Paul Simon. LOVE HIM. I know every word to every song on Graceland and most of the Simon and Garfunkel songs. There is no better song to have a car sing a long to than "If you'll be my bodygaurd", and "Cecilia" is a very close second.

You are a crazy person, but to each his own.

Laura said...

Hi Kerri,

Chevy Chase, MD came first followed by Chevy Chase the actor. But both got their name (or nickname in the case of the actor) from The Ballad of Chevy Chase.


Anonymous said...

i effing love the em dash, i couldn't give two curdled shits about bon jovi, and that was a great story by andrea.

Anonymous said...

i effing love the em dash, i couldn't give two curdled shits about bon jovi, and that was a great story by andrea.

Kerri said...

I agree with Beatrice - at the end of the night, every 80s last call song sounds the same. I also agree with Beatrice that you should come to her Birthday Party on Saturday. We all love you and will wear weekend hair and nude heels in your honor.

Hi Kerri, my name is Kerri too and I'm excited to see another Kerri who spells their name right. Had to say hi.

Kerri D.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Numero uno needs to get their ovaries removed!!

Amanda Y. said...


i dont know what is with the green section on this clip but i think you get the point.

also, i am sort of in love with paul simon's "call me al" (if you'll be my body guard). but i imagine if i had to listen to it a ton i would probably despise it.

Kelsey said...

WHOA those are some strong anti-Paul Simon words. I don't know too much about his solo career but I LOOOOVE classic Simon and Garfunkel.

And I know how it feels having your dad hound you about going to the gym...

Unknown said...


Muahahahahahaha. (I know once you start watching something, it sucks you in like a thousand dollar whore. Still love you Meg.)

Anonymous said...

Dear readers: If you're celebrating 4/20 today you should watch Clone High Episode 9

Anonymous said...

I have never left a comment although I read your blog daily...I must say that this post is exactly why I don't like Emmy Lou Harris and/or The Gatlin Brothers (family road trip double hell), but those were tapes (I am giving away my age here). The fact that you referenced Bettheny and Jill as well as Nickelback solidified the fact that could I build a time machine, go back and make my parents wait a decade to do it, and then move to the Maryland area, we so would be BFFs. Thanks for always entertaining.

Miglet said...

I love the em dash!

IZ said...

I would never discount a song that tried to open our minds to the potential harmony/evils of interracial coupling...(does dot dot dot offend anyone?)however, when my boss of years ago, a real pseudo-midgit douche, started whistling "Me and Julio down by the school yard" every day after lunch, I wanted to staple his lips shut. Needless to say, I can't even listen to that song anymore.

Courtney said...

I'm way late to the game, but I'm pretty sure I own Loser on VHS... and pretty sure I'm going to watch it when I get home tonight.

Anonymous said...

I had been arguing with my close friend on this issue for quite a while, base on your ideas prove that I am right, let me show him your webpage then I am sure it must make him buy me a drink, lol, thanks.

- Kris

epyxa said...

This is so cool but I do not afree with Angie

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