4.08.2010

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Reuben

The theme of this week for me (besides Poverty-Stricken Depression and I'm So Fucking Old) has been: Am I Crazy or Are You? Because sometimes it's just genuinely difficult to tell the difference and if you're not careful, you can end up looking like a real asshole in the end. Like the time Becca and I thought her fiance was crazy for wiping his ass sitting down, until she wrote a blog post about it and we found out that we're the weirdos for doing it standing up and everyone, including our parents who potty-trained us, were shocked and horrified by our actions. Like, had we known that we were the odd men out, we probably wouldn't have made such a big stink about it. (Bathroom pun, intended!)

I went out to dinner with Becky Tuesday night at Big Hunt (Scott the Long-Bearded bartender was working but not Waiter Crush. Sigh. 1 out of 2 aint bad.) and I had AICOAY? moment after AICOAY? moment after AICOAY? moment. Specifically about the following statements:

1.) Renee Zellweger was married to Kenny Chesney.
2.) She filed for divorce citing fraud after four months of marriage.
3.) Bees sleep at night.
4.) Ken Paves is not Mexican.

Ok, I'm terribly sorry, but I didn't think any of the above were true and kind of thought Becky was crazy for inferring otherwise. Which in turn made Becky think I was crazy. Upon further Google inspection, it turns out that Becky was correct and I am indeed the crazy one. To which I say, wha?? Each of those facts blows my mind slightly more than the last. HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?! I'm a reasonably intelligent and hip to the know young lady! This is like the narwhal debacle all over again.

This AICOAY? nonsense is really messing with my ability to properly mock Dr. Reuben and his bat-shit crazy "medical" advice. I cracked open Everything You Wanted to Know... last night to pick out some adequately nonsensical advice to make fun of and every time I found a passage I liked, I stopped and started second guessing myself about which one of us is the crazy one. Because maybe shoving a coat hanger up your pee hole is normal and I've just never lived? Maybe? I don't know. And I'm not willing to try (plus I only have plastic hangers...), I'm just saying that everything I thought was right is wrong, black is white and I don't know which way is up anymore. It's like that Twilight Zone episode with the planet where the pig people are attractive and the chick who played Ellie May Clampett is the busted one. AND I'M THE ELLIE MAY CLAMPETT! Get me out of here!

So here are some Q&As that I thought were unreasonable, but I could be wrong. Perhaps we're all supposed to spend our days duct taping bubble wrap around our dicks and indulging in coke douches. In which case, thank god I have a CVS Extra Care card.

How big is the normal penis?
That is the question of the century. Every male, virtually from the moment he is aware of this marvelous organ, is plagued by this question. Rarely does one encounter a gentleman who is satisfied with the size of his phallus. Even those endowed with obviously outsized organs year for more—"It could be just a little bit longer..."

This preoccupation with size leads to some unusual behavior. Whenever two nude men encounter each other for the first time, in a public shower, a country club locker room, a YMCA swimming pool, their eyes go first to each other's penises. Rapidly, sometimes almost imperceptibly, they measure the organ, compare ti with their own, then continue with the matter at hand. Even in public washrooms, standing at the urinal, eyes dart swiftly to organs, the mental micrometer steps off the distance and makes the comparative calculation. In more than one private club the management has thoughtfully installed large magnifying mirrors over the urinals so that each gentleman who avails himself of their facilities can feast his eyes on the reflection of a phallus which would do credit to a bull elephant.

Unfortunately these penile Olympics are a no-win proposition. Those who spy larger organs than their own are chagrined: their fears are confirmed. A man whose penis is the longest in the locker room that day receives scan consolation. With each new contest he will be up against new and unmeasured competition.

Perhaps one of the reasons behind this forlorn quest is the enormous disparity between the penises of father and child. At the age of three or four the parent's phallus seems immense by comparison. Not until many years later at puberty does the son's organ begin to catch up. By then the damage is done. Most men are never really sure that their penis has finally caught up to daddy's.

------------------------------

Now, I am apt to think a lot of that answer is a dish of roasted bullshit with a side of crazy sauce. I highly doubt there are or have ever been magnifying mirrors above urinals to make your junk look bigger...but when we get down to brass tacks; I don't know. How could I? I don't really hang out in men's bathroom's that often and just because I've never heard otherwise doesn't necessarily make it false. AM I CRAZY, OR IS DOC REUBEN?

Likewise, re: this statement:

Most men are never really sure that their penis has finally caught up to daddy's.

First of all, sir, did you really have to say "daddy's"? Couldn't you have said "their father's?" Don't verbally molest your readers if you don't have to. That's my motto. (And you're welcome.) But more to the point: what?! Men are constantly measuring the size of their dicks to their fathers?? When have they seen their father's dicks to begin with? OR IS THAT NORMAL? Oh my god, I'm so confused. Right after I read this last night, Alex called and the following awkward exchange went down:

Meg: ALEX.
Alex: Hey! I had fun tonight at—
Meg: WHATEVER, HAVE YOU EVER MEASURED THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS AGAINST YOUR FATHER'S AND FELT INADEQUATE?!
Alex: [Makes a series of disguised and horrified noises] Jesus, god, no! This is like the time you asked if my mom taught me to jerk off.
Meg: And much like that time, it's a Doc Reuben thing.

I asked Andrew as well, who was equally horrified, so I'm thinking I'm the sane one and Dr. Reuben is the crazy one. But really, who knows?! That's only two people out of the entire world! I JUST DON'T KNOW. All I know for sure is that I am absolutely starting a funk band and naming it "Penile Olympics." And we'll be going on tour with Dr. Rebuen & The Blanket Statements.


Do all women have these changes at the menopause?
Irene was noticing the general changes from estrogen starvation. Weight gain, shifting in fat deposits, increased wrinkling of the skin, and dryness of the hair are annoying. There are worse things to come:

"But this is the reason I'm here, doctor. In the last few months I've started growing hair on my face. And my voice is getting deeper. But that's not all..."

Irene began to sound embarrassed.

"I can't even have relations with my husband anymore."

"Why is that? What seems to be the trouble?"

"I don't know. I can't seem to describe it. My—my—it just isn't—can't even—"

She was gritting her teeth.

Patient questioning by the doctor revealed Irene was trying to tell him her vagina was shrinking. The atrophy had progressed to the point where the vaginal opening would no longer admit her husband's penis. Irene's sexual desire had vanished more than a year before and intercourse was a monthly event. One the most recent occasion, it was as if the vagina had vanished.

------------------------------

WHAT IN THE SICK FUCK?!!??!!?!?!? Your vagina VANISHES during menopause?! Are you fucking kidding me?! There is no way that is true. None. 100%. I refuse to believe it. I'm willing to go along the hot flashes and the facial hair and the boob sagging, but I refuse to believe that your vagina packs up it's bags and heads to a time-share in Boca for the rest of it's life.

...That being said, who knows?? It could be true. My first reaction after reading that was to call my mom and straight-up ask her, but a.) I just don't want to know anything about the size of my mom's vagina b.) Ew c.) God d.) It was 12:30 at night at the time and I didn't want to wake her up with questions about menopause and gettin' it on. Because hasn't she already been through enough?


Why not? [re: Menopause doesn't have to be the end of a woman's useful life.]
Because she has been castrated by Father Time is no reason for a modern woman to give up the battle. She has many weapons at her disposal, if she will only use them. If she is determined and if her doctor is skillful, they can virtually turn back the clock.

------------------------------

Castrated. By. Father. Time. I believe Dr. Rebuen is in the wrong field. Because this shit is sheer poetry.


Are there some women like that? [re: Women who do not masturbate]
Yes, and many suffer intensely as a result. There is a condition which plagues middle-aged women, especially those who live alone. it is called pruritus vulvae, a medical way of saying itching of the vulva, and a ferocious itch it is. These women have a constant compulsion to scratch their sexual appendages to relieve the itching, burning, tingling sensations they have there.

------------------------------

...So what you're trying to say is that it is your medical opinion that if a woman doesn't masturbate, she'll get a vicious case of crotch-rot? I mean...this book has been re-printed over 30 times. It is 100% possible that indeed if I don't use it, I'm going to lose it. To a "ferocious itch." Before it falls off completely when I hit menopause. And my husband won't want to put his always-in-the-shadow-of-Daddy's-dick in me anymore, even if he could.

In addition to my request to be buried in my Jack Daniel's pajama pants, I would also like to request someone take me out back and put me down like Old Yeller when I reach 50. And I thank you.

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK, so I'm a girl and hardly qualified to talk about penises (of a pre-college size, anyway), but I know that my four brothers were potty-trained by peeing at the same time as my dad and, with the younger boys, with their older brothers, to master the whole standing-up business. My family is notoriously dysfunctional, so I'm pretty curious to see if this is standard potty-training procedure, or if my parents are once again way out there.

Leigh said...

Upon reading the line "These women have a constant compulsion to scratch their sexual appendages ...," I slammed my glass of water on my desk and said aloud "No! Not possible!"

If Dr. Reuben is right, I want desperately to be wrong.

Anonymous said...

This whole thing was like a trip to my primary care dr from high school. This lady got her medical degree in like 1966, and she has more or less inferred if you don't use, you lose it. As well as if it's not broke, don't fix it, ie: maintenance, etc...

I wonder if she studied under dr Reuben, it would make so much sense.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I love 2b1b, but please, please stop writing obscenities in large, bolded capital letters with extreme punctuation. It's awkward to explain to my boss what I'm looking at instead of an Excel spreadsheet.

<3,
Huge fan who desperately wants to keep reading

Lexi said...

OMG, THANK YOU for posting this today. A moment of joy in my otherwise craptastic work day.

Anonymous said...

Love it. That is all.

Nichole said...

This is the second time in the last month or so that I've had occasion to trot out this story...

A few years ago, my grandmother called my parents fairly late one evening and asked if they could come over and help her. It seems the slats on her old-timey bed had collapsed and she needed help putting the bed back together b/c she was like 78 at the time (so well past menopause age...). My mom asked what had happened and my grandmother just said that she didn't know, but that her boyfriend was over... (you see where I'm going here)

After my parents finished alternately laughing and puking they went over to help out grandma and her boyfriend fix the bed that old-people-bangin' broke and my Blanche Devereaux wannabe grandma answers the door in her freakin' "peignoir set" (her term) She didn't even bother to put on proper clothes!

Anyway, the moral of the story is that apparently my grandmother's vag didn't pack up and run for the hills after menopause. Then again, she was clearly using it, so maybe that's why she didn't lose it?

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

Dude, I love 2b1b, but please, please stop writing obscenities in large, bolded capital letters with extreme punctuation. It's awkward to explain to my boss what I'm looking at instead of an Excel spreadsheet.

I'm sorry!

Anonymous said...

Not only did Kenny and Renee get married and divorced BUT another fun part of that story is that he wrote a song about her before he even met her-- "you had me from hello". he wrote it about her after watching jerry maguire for the first time. Kind of romantic slash creepy...

JamaLee said...

great post per usual!

Anonymous said...

I disagree with Anonymous. When shit like this happens, it needs to be profanity and it has to be in all caps, bold, and LARGE. Because if it's true and my vag is leaving me in like 30 years I want everyone else to be properly horrified.

Daniel said...

Meg you def are crazy....there are no time-shares in Boca...

Elisa said...

As if being a woman doesn't come along with enough shit, now we have to worry about our VAGINAS LEAVING US? No. I refuse. There is no fucking way. I'd rather die tragically young with a normal vagina than live to be 104 with no cooter. Not going to happen.

Good god I hate Dr. Reuben. Years down the road, when I have a teenage daughter and am explaining to her about crotch-rot, I'm sending Dr. Reuben both of our therapy bills.

Anonymous said...

My dad totally walked around naked until it became inappropriate (read: I turned 7, SEVEN!!!). I am his DAUGHTER!

And my brothers totally showered with my dad until they were old enough to bathe alone (read: no longer toddlers).

Unfortunately, this means that I am FAR to aware of the "size factor" in my family. And as the only girl, I really wish I wasn't.

Grant said...

When I was a kid I took a few showers with my dad when I was transitioning from baths to showers. To show me the ropes, I guess. I was under the impression that this is fairly common. *shrugs*

Katie said...

Dr. Reuben always leavs me feeling somewhere in the range of moderately disturbed to insanely horrified. I feel like I read somewhere that back in the day when women complained of depression or anything of that nature, the doctor would just manually bring her to orgasm and call it a day. In 2010 that would be a lawsuit and a criminal case, but back then, fuck.

krshiplett said...

To anonymous...

To avoid the issue of large obscenities on my screen at work, I usually copy and paste the entries into word and turn it in Verdana 10 pt. font or something so it looks like I just MIGHT be doing something that I'm supposed to be doing...Worth it!

Anonymous said...

"Reuben has particular insight on this subject: he's 65, has been married to the same woman for 37 years and has FIVE children. And he and his wife are still active in the bedroom." ( http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9902/11/sex/ )

I wonder how his 5 children feel about their organ's size, considering he's sensitive to the issue? My initial reaction is to think that those kids must be some kind of MESSED UP...however, in theme with your post today...maybe not? Perhaps my childhood sans sex-expert father, excuse me, daddy, has led me to be the messed up one?

James said...

So, two things. One, I think Dr Reuben's theory of "Oh God I'll never match daddy's giant cock" is on a subconscious level. Same with "measuring" other guys dicks out of the corner of the eye. The mirror thing is bullshit.

Two, of course your vagina packs up and leaves! Just like guys' dicks try to shrivel up into our abdomens to become best buds with our swollen prostates. The only difference is that guys have a drug to fix it, and women don't (yet).

To quote a great, wise man, "They've got a drug that'll make you harder than Chinese algebra... and you're grandmother's going 'Oh, shit, I thought the war was over! God, give me a tetanus shot if you're gonna stick me with that rusty fucking thing.'"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJrN2OLD9Uo

Jules said...

"he's 65, has been married to the same woman for 37 years and has FIVE children. And he and his wife are still active in the bedroom."

Sounds like he can find his wife's vagina just fine... I declare shenanigans!

Anonymous said...

Adam Carolla once said "I'm gonna show it to my son once when he is six, so that for the rest of his life he'll think his dad has the biggest penis in the world."

I don't think first anonymous commenter is abnormal at all. My dad would walk around the house naked. Hell, my brother and I would pee sword fight and the like. It was normal for the boys and or dad to pee next to each other. I actually do remember thinking to myself about my dad "wow that thing is enormous." And truthfully, I don't think my 23 year old dick is as big as his. By all accounts i'm straight up (dick pun!) average, but it doesnt look as big to me as his from that memory when I first realized the disparity. a) the good Doc is correct or b) my dad simply has a large member. I'm ok with either possibility.

Sarah said...

Ohmagod. What?

OK. I know for a fact that the vagina does not disappear as a woman ages.

I will spare you the details of what happened to my grandmother in her latest years of life (90s), but let's just say weakening of vaginal muscles + hysterectomy years ago = gaping hole out of which body parts may or may not fall.

Not even kidding a little bit.

If you want the story, you can email me at naked cupcakes at gmail dot com, and I will tell you. But you really don't want to know. I warned you.

So, no, the snatch does not snatch shut. It slackens and eventually can become a large gaping hole.

Lesson: DO YOUR FUCKING KEGELS AND WALK 30 MINUTES A DAY. You're welcome.

Brittan said...

WHAT. EVEN.

"I'd rather die tragically young with a normal vagina than live to be 104 with no cooter. Not going to happen."

I concur!

Alexandra said...

WHOA SARAH! GROSS.

meggles, pheNOM post :)

Jessica said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everything_You_Always_Wanted_to_Know_About_Sex_(But_Were_Afraid_to_Ask)

He is all over the world, in 54 languages

L said...

i am seriously horrified that my vag will disappear at/around age 50 after undergoing hot flashes, extreme bitchiness and monthly cramps for the better part of my life. Haven't we suffered enough?? why did eve have to bite the damn apple (or be such a whore depending on what you believe). I'm going to go home, curl up and cry for my future shriveled vag.

Anonymous said...

New AICOAY? moment that happened with my friends and I thanks to Dr. Reuben in a different book of his: women who are not pregnant can make themselves lactate.

ps- I love all of these embarassing grandma sex stories. You should have a post dedicated to them.

Whitney said...

Is it just me, or do we all think D-ruebs had some CUHRAZY shit happen to him as a little boy? vaginas disappearing?!?, n.f.w. No, FUCKING, way.

Anonymous said...

AICOAY? I should probably know what this stands for, but can you please refresh my memory. Thanks again for another learning experience via Dr. Reuben.

Anonymous said...

I love 2birds1blog!! I'm in medical school and I hate to say it but some of this stuff is true. When you get old it gets drier, less elastic and yes, even atrophy.

Claire said...

I would just LOVE to mention that i referenced this blog today in a talk with my parents because they had NEVER heard of a narwhal (I only found out about them through the great narwhal debacle, ahah!) and they were shocked! They didn't believe me at first and I was like, "NO THEY ARE REAL, MEG USED IT IN 2BIRDS1BLOG, and there was a video from national geographic!" They both gave me a horribly confused/somewhat stunned look and i showed them and so I thought that you would like to know that YOU made a difference in our family hahaha :)
~Claire

Anonymous said...

Vaginal Atrophy is REAL. Terrifying, yes. You should totes call The Endocrine Society and ask about it b/c they (meaning 'we' because I do in fact work there) published a scientific statement to that effect: use it or you will lose it ladies. And if you do happen to call, it would make my day and that of the coworkers I like b/c we all <3 2b1b.

Anonymous said...

So, I had an AICOAY (Am I Crazy, Or Are You?, to the other anonymous poster who asked) moment last night, and I need to find closure.

I read in a financial planning article that in today's economy, you need to have FOUR MONTHS OF RENT saved up in case of emergency. And the article stated this as if everyone in the world already had 2-3 and just had to chip in a little bit more.

Um, WHAT? Does everyone have $3,000 just squirreled away for a rainy day, or am I the worst saver ever??

Anonymous said...

To the Anon asking about financial matters - it really depends on how risk averse you are and your job situation but having 4 months rent saved up is actually a pretty conservative estimate when it comes to an advisable savings amount. Most literature I have come across say 4 months living expenses which in addition to rent would include food, bills, etc.

As far as what you should do first with your savings, my advice would be building up an emergency fund, then paying down debt (highest interest rate first), then putting money towards a 401k or Roth IRA, and finally building a savings fund for big ticket items like cars or a house - which you should invest in low fund ETFs.

So in conclusion I'm not sure if it's you that's crazy or me since I do this for a living....

Tina said...

UM, I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about this crazy new product called My New Pink Button, which is a "temporary dye to restore to youthful pink color to your labia."

WHAT???????

Apparently it changes colors when you get old?

Can we talk about the following review from a husband:

"For a long time I have felt my sex lust decreasing, much due to the fact that my wife is getting older and lesser attractive for each year.
One of my biggest concerns has been the unattractive gray colour which her labia has attained during recent years. It simply isn't pleasing to the eye anymore.
We've tried all sorts of things to spice it up, from car batteries and buttplugs, to whips and strap-ons, all to no avail.
In hindsight most of these things were just silly, since they didn't get to the root of the problem, which of course was her labia.

And getting to the root of the problem is exactly what this product does! It has revitalized our sex life completely. Now having intercourse doesn't feel as much like necrophilia anymore, but rather brings back sweet memories of having sex with 16 year old Croatian prostitutes, much like I used to do during the war!

Thank you My New Pink Button!"


REALLY? REALLLLLY?

The FlavOr SavOrs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The FlavOr SavOrs said...

who the fuck wipes sitting down?!?!?
I can't comprehend that as being physically possible

PS - I LOB Dr. Reuben

Anonymous said...

so i know this is nothing compared to revelations of reese witherspoon's love life and pooping positions, but i had no idea it was "brass tacks" and not "brass tax." i use this phrase a lot (brass tax being quite a colorful image: paying taxes in brass the metal, collecting said brass taxes brassilly, in which case brass knuckles get involved... ok, it's lame, whatever, save your sass for the brass tax collector) anyway, my mind is blown.

Anonymous said...

sorry ... Renee Zellweger's love life. my bad.

wigs.com said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...

haha great blog today M!

You may also want to put in a bit about growers vs showers. Nothing was more terrfiying to think you were so much smaller then so many people in PE, only to find out later that it all is basically the same size in the bedroom.
hahahahaha

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