4.15.2010

Closing a can of worms...

Alright, Miss Helena. You wanted the 2b1b communities' opinion? WELP! You certainly got it, didn't you, blue eyes?! As of 2:30am on April 15th, the total worm tally is as follows: 118 votes for Team Meg and 30 votes for Team "Hookworm Helena," as they're calling you now. Mr. Rogers, Ira Glass and "sorr about the bag" each got a few votes as well, but I'm not counting them for our purposes. God bless all three though.

Out of all 30 meager votes for Helena, none surprised me more than Alex's. I actually woke up Tuesday morning (it was obviously Tuesday afternoon, I don't why I'm putting on airs here) to the sound of the voicemail alert on my phone and saw that Alex had called twice and left a voicemail asking to call him back
immediately. Everytime Alex calls from work and asks me to call him back in a rushed voice, I have a small heart attack and think someone we know has died. I think it's because I know that Alex is legitimately busy all day at a demanding job, so it makes me nervous to see that he's taking time out of it to call me when he can just as easily text, email or gchat. So I always call back expecting to hear that Andrew's been hit by a bus or something equally traumatizing and instead he just wants to know what the lyrics mean in the High School Musical song "Get Your Head in the Game" when Zac Effron says, "Don't be afraid to shoot the outside J." True story...

And I'll never learn my lesson. My heart was seriously pounding as I called him back Tuesday morning afternoon and he casually picked up the phone all, "Hi! What's up?"

"UH, YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ME TO CALL YOU BACK ALL MORNING! WHAT'S GOING ON?!

"Oh! Yeah! I just thought I should let you know—you're wrong," Alex said.

"Wrong about what?"

"The hookworm thing. You're wrong." he said, in an obnoxiously matter-of-fact tone.

"I'm not
wrong."

"No, you really are. Helena's right. If I could end
all of this by swallowing a few worms, I'd do it in a heart beat."

"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'ALL OF THIS'?! WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT GENOCIDE IN DARFUR, ALEX, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
ALLERGIES!"

"Yeah. Well. You're still wrong and I thought I should let you know. Ooo, someone just walked in, gotta go!"
Click.

It was like my entire world caved in upon itself. Something that I was so sure of was being refuted by both Helena
and Alex. Two of the people I respect most in this crazy, mixed up world. I felt alone and I felt confused. I sat there in my bed hugging my knees and gently rocking back and forth as the morning sunlight early evening twilight streamed through the windows.

Then I went out to dinner with Becca and her fiance—both of whom are extreme allergy sufferers and can't even
look at Evie without their throats closing up (a curse I can't even begin to fathom)—who both adamantly agreed that I'm right and Alex and Helena are crazy wrong. I felt considerably better, but still slightly shook up.

Thus, I was extremely comforted by the results of Tuesday's tally and am glad that the greater 2b1b community agrees that I'm right and Helena can suck the proverbial it. Lord love her.

I would, however, like to address the following comment:

- From Amanda,
Photobucket

Fair enough, Amanda. Fair enough. Here you are—my amended rebuttal:

No.
Photobucket
No.
Photobucket
No.
Photobucket
No.
Photobucket
No.
Photobucket
No.
Photobucket

Check and mate, dear reader.
Check and mate.

Also, a few friends and readers on the comment board brought up that if hookworms make you lose weight in addition to getting rid of allergies, then they'd totally consider doing it. Some were even a little surprised I hadn't thought of that. UM, SERIOUSLY? OK, look, I'm not trying to front—let's not pretend like I haven't contemplated swallowing a Livestrong bracelet or two in my life to give myself a DIY gastric lap-band surgery. I'd like to drop a few pounds before my sister's wedding and Lord knows I love the easy way out. That being said, I WOULD NEVER SWALLOW
WORMS! I'm curvy, not k-k-crazy, thank you. Christ.

Finally, one of Alex's main arguments when we talked later on gchat was that the hookworms are so small you can't feel them, so who cares? Well, sir, I'd like to direct you to the following video Dave sent me today. (AND WHEN YOU WATCH THIS AND INEVITABLY FEEL THE NEED TO PLUCK YOUR EYEBALLS OUT OF YOUR HEAD AND RUN 'EM THROUGH THE DISHWASHER SEVERAL TIMES, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME. IT'S ALLLLLL DAVE'S FAULT. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.)


I don't give a shit if I can't feel it; just knowing that's going on inside me is enough to make me want to slice open my stomach with a moderately sharp object and remove my intestines completely. And I know everyone's going to say, "Oh but Meg, you're so simple and country! You naturally have all
sorts of parasites and worms living inside of you right now!" And that is fine and dandy. God put those worms there and there they shall stay and I'll never think about them again. But having to go throughout life knowing that I elected to put extra worms in my stomach brings way more attention to their existence than I ever needed and I can totally foresee it consuming my thoughts until I live a Howard Hughes-like existence where I never leave the house, have creepily long finger nails and fear "The Bacteria."

So you guys can handle it? Good on ya. I'm not strong enough. I'm sorry, it's my cross to bear—I don't want
hookworms. I'm a weirdo, I know.

Sigh.

Well, this feels like a rather aggressive note to end the blog on. Sorry Helena. Sorry Alex. I'll raise you a video clip and one Q&A with Doctor Reuben to cleanse the pallet, how's that?

First, kudos to Ex-Co Blogger Eddie for finding an entire page of
Clone High themed thongs on Cafe Press! She also found a band from Canada called "Captain Lavender" on MySpace. Captain Lavender: a band name based on a Clone High reference so obscure, I'd have sex with each and every member. Twice.

I can't decide which thong I want the most. I'm pretty sure it's the
...WESLEY one. I don't even know what I'd do if I was hooking up with someone and discovered they were wearing Clone High underwear. Probably eff them all the way to town hall and promise to be the Joan of Arc to their Abe Lincoln 'til death do us part. I guess. And if I owned said Clone High themed underwear? Well, I'd probably just sit at home and masturbate all day. So there's that.


And just for shits and gigs, here's a super quick Doc Reuben Q&A I came across today:

But how long should a penis be?
According to the story, someone once asked Abraham Lincoln how long a man's legs should be. After a moment of contemplation, Mr. Lincoln replied, "I would say, just about long enough to reach from his body to the ground." From a realistic point of view, the normal size for a penis is long enough to reach from a man's body into the vagina. As long as the sperm can be delivered without spilling, reproduction is facilitated. Since penile size is a hereditary characteristic, transmitted genetically, any man whose penis is too short to reach the vagina will have difficultly reproducing; truly a short-penised race would have died out half a million years ago.

--------------

I am in no way kidding when I say that the first time I read this, I, for the hottest of hot seconds, completely thought this is where it was going:

How long should a penis be?
According to the story, someone once asked Abraham Lincoln how long a man's legs should be. After a moment of contemplation, Mr. Lincoln replied, "I would say, just about long enough to fuck a woman." And the same principle applies to the penis.

Abe Lincoln was this close to replacing Franklin Peirce as my favorite U.S. President.
This close.

59 comments:

Laurie said...

Just finished reading Tulane Chris' post from yesterday, refreshed, and there was your post from today. Score! Well, although I didn't weigh in on the worm issue earlier, I definitely agree with you. Seriously disturbing. Loved your "science" rebuttal.

Hayley said...

Hey Meg, so about the science of worms and such your reader wanted....I am in vet school and had a whole class (one hour every day for four months...torture) on parasites, especially worms. As far as hookworms go, they suck the blood from your intestinal lining and when you have too many, they cause anemia. Gross. It is tapeworms that would make you lose weight, and they get really fucking big. Like feet long. This is a horribly dorky post, but I thought I could help with the science. Love your blog!!!

Abbie said...

Geh...I was hoping you wouldn't include all the misconceptions people mentioned in the comments on that fateful day.
1. Hookworms CAN NOT make you lose weight. Like the vet mentioned, those are tapeworms.
2. We are not stuffed with parasites! We have bacteria in us, something completely different. We NEED bacteria to be hanging around, the ones in our large intestine make vitamin K for us; symbiosis. Parasites do nothing for us. If you have a parasite you are its host, and it is eating you. I realize there are parasites which cause limited symptoms, and so there could be people wandering around something and not know it, but you are not *supposed* to have parasites. So infecting yourself with them is pretty ridiculous. Parasites are things like giardia and malaria, you don't drink stream water, right? Why would you cram your stomach with a different parasite?
AND I'm still not convinced that these worms won't reproduce and re-infect you, or people around you. So even if you're asymptomatic with 10 worms, you'll get symptoms when you have 50. Just keep your pants on and wait for researchers to find out how the worm is doing this miraculous immunosupression and then take the magic pill they give you that won't be worms cutting your stomach and drinking your blood. Christ.

Kori said...

Good argument with the video. I take back my vote and I'm now on Team Meg. That's a pretty big deal since I just gave up my dreams of ever having pets.

Anonymous said...

Meg, I want you to google "eyelash mites." Not because its terribly relevant, just because you should know. Like narwhals.

Laurie said...

Dear Anonymous Commenter:

Re: Eyelash Mites

That was just mean.

Regards,
Laurie

Andrea said...

Abbey - The worms won't reproduce and reinfect you, which is actually a problem with this solution for allergies. The worms in your stomach will reproduce, then you poop out the larvae. As the worms in your stomach die, your allergies return. The only way to keep this cure going is to reinfect yourself about every 3 months, which entails growing your own farm of worm on your own poop. You also have to test yourself regularly for anemia and take daily iron pills. All the poop-farm upkeep and anemia prevention is more work than taking an allergy pill!

A Nony Mouse said...

For the record, Gossip Girl referenced both Howard Hughes AND Larry Hagman on Monday.

maaaagen said...

good god i LOVE clone high!!

Jules said...

I knew I liked you for a reason. Clone High thongs! I know what I'm spending my tax refund on.

True story: every now and then I get a text from a fellow CH fan, and that text will read:

"STAMOS!!!!"

70% of the time it cracks me up every. time.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm a science person and have done my fair share of dissections and animal surgeries, so I consider myself to have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to that kind of thing...but that video of the worms....just. no. My face was frozen in ghastly horror for that entire minute, and as much as i wanted to, I could not look away. The image will be burned into my memory for years to come.

Ktina said...

Dear Friends,

DO NOT Google image search "stomach worms." Your eyes will bulge, your mouth will turn into a severe permanent frown...and you will throw up.

You're welcome.

terri said...

Really? Did we have to see a video on the little buggers? And then (even though I saw Laurie's warning comment first) I googled eyelash mites. Echh.

In turn I give you an epidemic of slightly different yet equally disturbing proportions...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3I64m0x6wI

Meg I think this could warrant a DGF...

Anonymous said...

Great scientific back-up.. superb.. Unrelated but in high school we had to dissect and study tapeworms which was traumatically gross.. I am happy that you closed the can, for now. Hope Helena isn't forever referred to as Hookworm Helena from now on.

Yogapuppy

Juan Don said...

nipple worms, ftw. DO NOT Google this.

I'm so, so, so, so sorry, everybody.

Juan Don said...

Never mind. Snopes says it's not true about the nipple worms. Still, though, even if they're fake it's enough to turn one's stomach.

Courtney Alexis said...

Note self: Do not view a video of worms writhing and curling around an internal organ 5 minutes before I'm about to take my lunch break.

*barf*

Jessica said...

I want to marry Dr. Ruben

Helena said...

I am BLOWN AWAY that I actually got 30 people on my side. Even I'M not 100% on my side. But I'll take it and be excited.

Amanda said...

Oh my gosh!!!! Here I am, currently in my lab "working", reading your blog as I always do in the morning, and what do I see??? My comment as part of the subject of today's blog!!

I absolutely love your response. Because of your argument and visual aids, I will now shift my view to a neutral position on this:

If you have allergies and want to take worms, go for it! If not, that's cool, too.

Bryce said...

While trying to convince a good friend to watch any/all of the Clone High episodes I downloaded to my computer, he asked me why it was so important. It was only then that I realize Clone High is such an undiscovered treasure that if I saw a girl wearing any of these articles of clothing, I'd propose right away. Any of our cultural/philosophical differences would pale in comparison to a mutual obsession with Clone High. RIP Ponce

mary said...

the only way to clean your computer from watching stomach worms...

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

LP said...

Not just mean about the eyelash mites, downright cruel. Now I'm going to try not to touch my dog ever again, much less her eyelashes.

Jules said...

Soooooo... hi, Bryce :).

Anonymous said...

ha. i love when commenters hit on each other. also, trucking my butt over to galaxy hut TONIGHT to get my champagne-in-a-can on.

Anonymous said...

Your science rebuttal was fantastic.

2 Birds, 1 Blog: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

ha. i love when commenters hit on each other. also, trucking my butt over to galaxy hut TONIGHT to get my champagne-in-a-can on.

DUDE. A COUPLE I KNOW WHO MET AT JAGER BALL ARE STILL TOGETHER AND GOING STRONG. 2birds1blog: hooking your ass up since '07.

GovtMinion said...

DUDE. A COUPLE I KNOW WHO MET AT JAGER BALL ARE STILL TOGETHER AND GOING STRONG. 2birds1blog: hooking your ass up since '07.

Matchmaker Meg McBlogger... now THAT would make for an interesting weekly section!

Anonymous said...

Today at lunch my friend was talking about her dog having hookworms. I told her to sell them on ebay.

Anonymous said...

me again, willing-to-cross-state-lines-for-cheap-booze girl. i used to run a rampantly successful blind date column for a city paper, i shit you not. hit me up if you want to make it the next queer abby!

Steph said...

ok no joke, that video just made me want to kill myself. i want to dive inside my stomach right now and make sure there are no worms. and mr anonymous eyelash mites, i have one word to say to you. WHYYYYYY!?!

pleeeease no more scary posts about parasites and worms for awhile, or i may never sleep again. love you meggles!

KES said...

More on presidential penises: James Madison was 5'4" and weighed less than 100lb. That's what I like to call "presidential pinky dick".

...you're welcome.

Ashley said...

Ok I HATE Mr./Ms. Anonymous and the whole eyelash mites thing. I mean, I was just getting over the whole hookworm video, gagging in my computer chair, scrolling through the comments when, BAM! Eyelash mites! You've got to me freakin' kidding me!

Raquel said...

Sorry, Helena, but I'm going to retract my vote for your team because I don't want to get ANEMIA or have to reinfect myself with my own poop.

Heather said...

OH WESLEY, Clone High makes me happy in ways I can't even describe.. AND YOU DO TOO. <3

Angie said...

G-Spot rocks the g spot!!

Daniel said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Anonymous said...

Ashley Angle of O-Town approves of this

Zuwena wa B-town said...

Before anyone ingests worms for allergies, seriously read these comments and look at the symptoms of hookworms:

Symptoms from entry of the worms into the body:
* Itchy foot
* Ground itch
* Pimply rash at worm entry site
* Foot pimply rash

Lung symptoms - when the larvae of the worms are temporarily in the lungs from where they later move to the intestines (WORMS IN YOUR LUNGS)
* Wheezing
* Coughing

Gastrointestinal symptoms - when the worms infest the bowel or intestines:
* Diarrhea
* Vague abdominal pain
* Intestinal cramps
* Abdominal colic
* Nausea

Gastrointestinal bleeding
* Blood in stool
* Black stools

Anemia - from gastrointestinal bleeding and from worms sucking blood.

I mean, really, how is that even WORTH IT?!?! Gross. I'm Team Meg, for so many reasons.

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