Waking up is hard to do

For whatever ungodly reason, having moved to NoVA has completely disrupted my sleep schedule. Not in an "I-stay-up-until-3-AM" kind of way. No, that I can 100% handle. Kind of. In college, I distinctly remember routinely staying up until 4 AM, getting AN wink, and waking up cheery for my 10 AM class. While I don't think I'd be quite so chipper with 5 hours of sleep under my belt, I'm sure I'd be able to tough it out. No, moving has somehow made me get into the habit of waking up unreasonably early every morning. Right now, it's quarter of 8 in the morning, and I've already been awake for an hour and a half. And I don't even need to be at work until 9. And my commute lasts all of 10 minutes. This does not compute.

This isn't necessarily a problem (Think of all the wildly productive things I could do with my mornings!), it's just that I'm seven different kinds of useless before eight o'clock in the morning. I can plan in my head any number of activities for my newfound hour and a half of downtime in the mornings, but they all fade into oblivion as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Example, this morning, having just woken up, I stumbled into the bathroom to shave. Put toothpaste on my razor. Minty fresh skin, check!

But seriously: let me tell you exactly how my mornings play out currently:

6:30 Wake up.
6:31 Look at clock, realize I've woken up at 6:30 AGAIN and groan audibly.
6:32 Turn over, put pillow on head, and try desperately to fall back asleep.
6:48 Accept I'm not falling back to sleep and curse loudly at the clock for mocking me with its cheery green numbers.
6:49 Take covers off to get out of bed, realize it's freezing in apartment, get back in bed.
7:02 Muster up enough balls to sprint the 10 feet from my warm bed to a warm shower.
7:03 Turn on shower, sit in bathroom waiting for shower to warm up.
7:10 Realize I dozed off.
7:11 Get into shower, stand directly under warm water until I have the energy to lift my arms to grab the shampoo.
7:36 Mentally scold myself for taking a 25 minute long shower.
7:45 Finally get out of warm shower into frigid bathroom.
7:47 Shave, put on deodorant, become an otherwise acceptable member of society hygiene-wise.
7:50 Try to find some sort of "business casual" outfit from the hundreds of lazy college freshman clothing I own.
8:12 Eat breakfast.
8:20 Leave insanely early to catch the Metro to work because what if today is the day it kills someone and therefore I'm late.

Honestly, I wish I was joking. But I'm not. That's very much what my mornings are like every day now. In NY, I'd casually roll out of bed 15 minutes before I had to be at work, hustle into the shower, throw on some clean clothes, and head out the door. I'm not saying I want to go to there again, but maybe I want to go to there.

On the plus side, if I became a human sooner than 7:45, I'd have an entire hour to myself in the mornings! That could be the most revolutionary hour of my entire life. Think of all the possibilities! You can't? Well don't fret, because I've got this handy list of all the possibilities right here!

Go to the gym. This is obviously the most prominent example of something that I could do in the morning. Every night before I go to sleep I think to myself, "Alright Chris, tomorrow is the day! You're going to wake up, throw on work out clothes, and head to the gym! You can do this!" Then there is a small fanfare and ticker tape parade in my head to get me more amped about going to the gym. And every morning, when I open my eyes, I literally just give the finger to my work out clothes and roll over. Think of all the benefits to going to the gym in the morning: endorphins, getting into better shape, etc. Plus it's super convenient to have a "gym" (or fitness center, aka AN machine) in the building. Sure, I can be a Positive Polly about this now that I'm actually awake and a functioning member of humankind, but in the mornings at 6:30 my only thoughts about the gym are: "You're going to get so sweaty. And it's probably crowded. And you'll be on the treadmill for 5 minutes before wanting to throw up your kidney." Needless to say, I am a negative person before I've showered. Some people need to drink coffee; I need to stand under running water for an extended period of time to wake up.

Write. God, this is a fool's errand. I'm not funny on a good day. Trying to be witty before the sun comes up is never going to happen. That's like telling an ostrich that it can fly IF it flies before it's morning meal. (See? I'm making ostrich-related similies! Even I don't know what I'm talking about!) And I'm not talking about just the blog here. My friend Emily and I had a steady email rapport during my work days in NY. Since I haven't had time to email at work at my new job, I've tried to email her in the mornings before heading out. Since moving here, my emails have quickly devolved into rants about why tables have four legs and long strings of curse words. It's not exactly what I'd call a fun email to read.

Watch the news. Here's a viable option, you'd think. I know as much about what's going on in the world today as a newborn baby: where I just was was so warm and dark, where I am now is cold and bright. I want to go back. Back in NYC, I watched NY1 with Pat Kiernan every morning (when I wasn't running 15 minutes late). He's just so soothing and maybe I have a huge platonic crush on him and I might be following him on Twitter. Is there anything of that caliber in NoVA. I'm not saying NY1 was a particularly great news show, but I do not need to watch people yelling at each other about the news in the mornings. I'm already yelling at inanimate objects; more people yelling is just apt to make me crankier. Which would make me the most popular person in my office.

Read a book. This actually might be my favorite idea so far. I like books. I like reading. This is a low impact activity to do in the morning that does not involve sweat, my personal humor, or people yelling. Here's the trouble: you remember that feeling you get when you're trying to read something for class, but all it's doing is putting you to sleep? You're eyes start to cross, you realize you've read the same sentence about 15 times and the repetition actually makes sense to you, your head is nodding. Ok, this would happen to me at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. What makes me think I'm capable of staying awake while reading a book at 6:30 in the morning. Not to mention I just woke up and cannot open my eyes any wider than a squint. Let me just pull out War and Peace. This seems like a brilliant idea. (ALSO: I have a bone to pick with Arlington, VA. Why are the libraries only open 9-5 M-F?! WTF? Sorry, nerd rant over.)

Prep food for dinner. Hm, not a bad idea. I've been cooking a whole lot more lately and I've been loving it. There's just something about food that you make that always makes it taste better. And think how much better that chicken would taste if it were marinating all day! Wait, this would involve the use of a knife. Prior to 7:00 AM, probably not a good idea. Veto.

Take up a hobby. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'd like to get involved in a hobby. Preferably one that won't turn me into an eccentric recluse. Like ship in a bottle building. Or anything that could classify me as a hoarder. Knitting and crocheting involve far too many sharp objects for me to use so early in the morning, plus I'm about 60 years too young to think about taking up knitting. (I'm sure some of you out there knit. Or build ships in bottles. Or collect stamps/porcelain dolls/Beanie Babies/bellybutton lint. I'm not making fun of you, I'm just saying these things aren't for me.)

Welp, I've effectively talked myself out of any possible morning activity that could take up an hour of my time in the morning. I just need to reconcile myself with the fact that I'm not a morning person. And I never will be. It should also be noted that I do not drink coffee, nor do I ever intend to start. Would that vastly increase my productivity in the morning? Maybe. Would it also stunt my growth? YES. And that is a rock solid argument if I've ever heard one.


2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...


That is all.

Elliot Smilowitz said...

The EXACT same thing happened to me two moves ago. I work in a job where I theoretically could wake up at noon every day and be fine, but when I moved about a year and a half ago, from the very first day in my new place, I got up at 8 and absolutely couldn't control it.

I've been like this for almost two years now and still haven't found a truly productive way to use my mornings. Sometimes I go running (I trained for a half-marathon, did it, then got bored of running and got fat again), sometimes I go to the store, usually I just watch Fresh Prince reruns and think about what I'd do if I won the lottery (buy a condo on 14th and U, buy/build a dive bar, subsidize this blog).

Anonymous said...

Sometime I just go for a leisurely walk outside, then you get AN bit of exercise without working up a sweat...except in DC this plan goes out the window in a few weeks once it gets too humid to breathe

Anonymous said...

you should try sitting in the shower. that way when you fall asleep you can dream that youre in a tropical waterfall- and not nova.

Daniel said...

Nerd rant continued:

The libraries in DC have the same stupid hours! And they just closed the one next to my house. So... Hello overdue fines.

Casey said...

TBS has reruns of Saved By The Bell on early in the morning.... eat some cereal and watch the ol' gang at Bayside High. I can't think of a better way to start the day.

Becky said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Becky said...

There are actually several Arlington library locations that stay open late on selected weeknights and/or are open on weekends. Some of them (e.g., the central location and Aurora Hills) are Metro accessible, while you need a car to get to others. Here's the schedule for all the branches: http://bit.ly/aIb2vh

Matt D said...

yo man, i have the same problem. i play books on tape that i download from like mediafire or megaupload. i either fall asleep or am entertained.

it's like even if you were rich, you couldn't order a hooker every night, sometimes you'd just pay some old lady to come over, bake cookies and read stories. i bet it costs exactly the same.

Meredith said...

I have so many things to SAY!

First - Chris. LBH. I heart you. True story.

Second - Listen to WTOP radio in the mornings! The morning team is hilarious and awesome and they'll tell you if Metro has killed someone (on the 8's!)

Third - Your library sucks because you don't live in Fairfax County! Yeah, bitchez!! Sorry... Let me specify that my PARENTS live in Fairfax County and that I... live with my parents.

Anyway, welcome to Northern Virginia (really... please let's not call it NoVa. That's a community college) and I hope you get your sleep pattern back soon!

I'm kind of embarrassed about how long this comment is.

Anonymous said...

Whenever I wake up early I just lie in bed listening to music and hold my own hand and pretend someone else is in bed with me.

Yeah, I'm making this anonymous. And you shouldn't do that, its sad.

Patrick said...

People still have jobs where they don't have to go in until 9? I've already been at work and not working for 2 hours by then!

Anonymous said...

Arlington Library: Central Hours
Monday - Thursday: 9:00am - 9:00pm
Friday - Saturday: 9:00am - 5:00pm
Sunday: 1:00pm - 9:00pm

Do your research before you shit on my library.

Cupcake said...

I vote for reading. Can we get a 2birds1book bookclub going on up in here?

Anonymous said...

hey anon, i'll shit on your library

Dan C. said...

"8:20 Leave insanely early to catch the Metro to work because what if today is the day it kills someone and therefore I'm late."

Oof, bad day to post this joke...I guess today was the (a?) day.

Green-Yellow Lines - Disruption at Mt Vernon Sq 7th St-Convention Center. Mt. Vernon reopened. Trains sharing same track btwn Shaw-HU & Gallery Pl due to a report of a person struck by train. Delays both directions.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for this hater-y comment, but I intentionally skip the green colored posts because they try so hard but are not funny. Sigh.

Evyn said...

ummmm I may just be commenting to express my excitement about Meredith's comment.

shit. be. lolz.

Unknown said...

who is the anonymous bitchy turd who left that comment? green posts are ALWAYS funny. With the appearance of minimal effort. I am taking this personally, I really effing like Chris's posts.............I feel like he understands me

LATBachelorFan said...

Central Library that someone posted the hours of above is accessible via either Virginia Square or Ballston metro stops. Like 2 blocks. Be helpful people, jeez, dude just moved to town. If you go to that library come on by and say hi, I live in THE fugliest building in Arlington right across the street. You'll know it when you see it.

Susan said...

"hey anon, i'll shit on your library"

a day late and several food stamps short, but best comment evah

Sweet Sooz said...

Go for Joe Krebs on NBC4 in the morning! at 7am wait for it when he says BAAAAIIIIII... without fail it is amazing every single day.

Anonymous said...

The library on Quincy in Ballston is open late!

best diet pills said...

It is really a nice and helpful piece of information. I am happy that you shared this useful info with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.
best diet pills

steve hardy said...

90 day loans direct lenders are one of the plan that will help the individual to meet all your needs at the right time without any delays.

3 month loans for unemployed
payday loans in 15 minutes direct lenders
3 month payday loan lenders
100 pound cash loans

Unknown said...

Guaranteed 500 pound payday loans may be a true life saver through out one among life's cash emergencies. Whether or not it's a far required automobile repair or a surprising bill. For further information about loans please visit us:-

Unknown said...

1000 pound payday lenders,Anyone may go down in the burning situation occurred due to cash crises. It is really a painful time and people can long for money from their kith and kin. For further information about loans please visit us:-

John said...

kate spade uk
christian louboutin outlet
chaussure louboutin
polo ralph lauren
michael kors handbags
nike roshe run
moncler outlet
p90x workouts
north face uk
coach outlet canada
ralph lauren uk
adidas shoes
nike free runs
nike roshe run women
kate spade
new balance outlet
louis vuitton pas cher
soccer shoes
nike air huarache
cheap ray ban sunglasses
longchamp outlet
vans shoes
ralph lauren pas cher
true religion jeans
abercrombie and fitch
cheap oakley sunglasses
swarov ski jewelry
michael kors
mcm outlet

Unknown said...

cheap nfl jerseys, http://www.cheapnfljerseys.org/
rolex watches uk, http://www.rolexwatches-uk.co.uk/
nike free uk, http://www.nikefreerunning.org.uk/
ralph lauren, http://www.poloralphlaurenoutlet.it/
oakley outlet, http://www.oakleyoutlet.in.net/
karen millen dresses, http://www.karenmillendressesoutlets.co.uk/
beats by dr dre, http://www.beatsbydrdre-headphones.us.com/
canada goose outlet, http://www.canadagoose.us.org/
nike free, http://www.nikefreerunning.org/
prada shoes, http://www.pradashoes.us/
michael kors factory outlet, http://www.michaelkorsfactoryoutlet.us.org/
timberland boots, http://www.timberlandboots.name/
replica watches, http://www.replicawatchesforsale.us.com/
ray ban sunglasses, http://www.raybansunglassesonline.us.com/
nike mercurial, http://www.nikemercurial.org/
coach handbags, http://www.coachhandbagsoutletonline.us.com/
louis vuitton, http://www.borselouisvuittonoutlet.it/
coach outlet store, http://www.coach-outlet-store.us.com/
basketball shoes, http://www.basketballshoes.us.com/
cheap nike shoes, http://www.cheap-nikeshoes.cc/
michael kors outlet, http://www.michaelkorsoutlet.org.uk/

Unknown said...

louis vuitton
michael kors outlet online
fitflops sale
uggs outlet
mulberry handbags
true religion outlet
lacoste pas cher
fitflops shoes
calvin klein underwear
air jordan 4

Unknown said...

atlanta falcons jersey
michael kors outlet online
nike air max
adidas online shop
yeezy boost 350 v2
air force 1
adidas ultra boost
nike polo
cheap jordans
louboutin shoes uk

caiyan said...

louis vuitton
swarovski sale
coach factory outlet online
louis vuitton outlet online
mulberry handbags
adidas superstar trainers
coach factory outlet online
rolex replica watches for sale
coach outlet online
longchamp outlet store

raybanoutlet001 said...

gucci sale
fitflops sale clearance
moncler outlet
michael kors handbags
cheap ray bans
cheap jerseys
nike huarache
prada shoes
ray ban sunglasses
cheap ray bans

Unknown said...

kyrie shoes
hermes belts
pandora jewelry
adidas stan smith sneakers
retro jordans
nike roshe run
adidas tubular shadow
nike football boots
kobe 11

adidas nmd said...

michael kors bags
ugg outlet
pittsburgh steelers jersey
seahawks jersey
yeezy boost 350 white
ralph lauren outlet
ugg boots
ed hardy
christian louboutin shoes
ralph lauren outlet

Clicky Web Analytics