5.14.2010

If you steal my Halloween costume idea, I will cut you. (And other helpful pieces of advice.)

So I've pretty much felt like crap all week, but kudos to me for being a "responsible" "young" "adult" and actually going to the doctor yesterday. And guess what I ended up being prescribed? 350 milligrams of T.G.I. HAGMAN!

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As of 4:34am on May 14, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! Hagman: take with food or milk. Or bourbon.

Oh, and to answer your questions from last week: I saw Cella last Saturday afternoon and to my knowledge, she's still alive and kickin'. Well, I think kickin' is a gross overstatement, but we watched half an episode of Tough Love Couples on VH1 while Becky got ready and she seemed content enough. In other dog related news! I've totally decided what Ichabod my Rasta Pug and I are going to be for Halloween:

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I'm going to do my makeup so it looks like I've been beat up and my knees have been bashed in, then I'm going to staple fake dollar bills to the costume above and Icky's going to be a LOAN SHARK! And I'm his victim! GET IT?! DO YOU GET IT?!?! A-TEE-HEE-HEE-HAHAHAHAHA OHHHHHHHHHHyyyyyyyyep. I'm coordinating my Halloween costume with my dog's. In May. And I don't have a dog. Unfortunate: The other white meat.

Speaking of being unfortunate and taking measures to change that, I would like to take this time to give a huge, huge, HUGE thank you to the wonderful Lara. Yeah, she got drunk on "Ruby Relaxers" and shamelessly hit on my dad in a parking lot one time, but she also came over after a long day at work last night, only to spend another four hours working with me on blog merch store stuff. And by "working with me" I mean she coded and figured out the confusing technical stuff while I taped my left hand into a "Shocker Splint" using drafting tape, tried to type and subsequently laughed at myself slightly too hard.
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I mean, if that's not true friendship; I don't know what is. You, madam, have my blessing to drunkenly hit on my dad any day of the week. God bless you, Lara. God bless you and your sloppy Ruby Tuesday lovin' heart.

And while we're on the topic, I know for a fact that the merch store is going to be a success. Wanna know why? Oh, I don't know; perhaps you should check out the 4-digit PayPal verification code on my bank statement that I had to reference to confirm our account:

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Yep. #0069. When I saw that, I immediately turned to Lara and was like, "OH MY FUCKING LORD
IT'S A SIGN!!!!!" and seriously felt a lot better about this little venture. I mean, of all the 4-digit random combinations that could have been assigned to me, I got 0069?! Have you ever met me? I laughed-out-loud in my elevator today when I read a sign telling residents to be careful on the roof because scaffolding has been erected. And you know why? Because erected. The only way I remember the code to the door at work is because it's my area code + 69. And likewise, the only way I remember the CVC code on the back of my credit card is because it's 690. And 2b1b's randomly generated PayPal confirmation code is 0069?...Yeah. I'm going to make a fucking babillion dollars. THNX IN ADVANCE!

Man, I'm in a good mood. I feel like giving back to the community or some shit. Let's answer this week's Queer Abby questions, shall we? If you're new, Queer Abby is our weekly advice column where your most burning questions are answered first well by my lesbian publicist, Amy, and then poorly by me. We're like the Hall & Oates of advice. (Got a question, Maneater? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!)


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Hi Queer Abby.

This may be a question better suited for Savage Love but since my man reads Savage Love I will ask you.

Is it weird that my man asks me to talk dirty to him about the first time I did it (with specific detail). The size, the tightness etc? I once revealed that my first boyfriend was extremely well-hung and now said man is fixated. It is hard enough to talk dirty but actually sharing real-life experiences in the heat of the moment is rully, rully hard ( and not in a good way)! Most of the time I just make shit up because A) it was a long time ago; B) I've smoked a lot of dope since then and my memory ain't what is used to be C) I sometimes wonder if my mind's eye embellished the 1st boyfriend's endowment, which brings me to D) thinking about 1st boyfriend makes me fantasize about going back to investigate and that ain't nothing but bad luck and trouble.

Peace

Is it weird…? Personally, I’d say yes. Objectively, I’ll say no. I don’t get it at all. I can’t imagine anything I want to hear about less than my partners’ former lovers. But to each his/her own—this doesn’t seem to be an unhealthy or generally disrespectful fetish. (I mean, compared to Name Withheld from last week, you’re lucky he’s being honest and comes to you with what he wants.)

If it’s something you really aren’t comfortable with (like it makes you feel totally violated or like your violating your ex’s privacy), you should definitely tell him that, unequivocally, and he should respect it. If it’s just not something you particularly enjoy, then my inclination is to say keep an open mind about it and even try to entertain it from time to time, because that’s what we do to please our partners, right? But moreover, figure out what it is exactly that gets him so worked up about it so you can experiment with other ways to fulfill this particular interest of his that may be more comfortable for you. Like figure out what it is exactly that gets him so worked up about it to see if you can talk dirty to him about someone/something other than an actual ex. Or maybe watching a particular type of porn together would do the trick. Get me? But it sounds to me like he might have a virgin or cuckolding fetish, so you might want to start there.


1.) Cuckold is never not the most fun word in the English language. I want to join a cuckolding support group for the soul purpose of creating the user name, "Cuckold_Doodle_Do0." And part of me prays that it's taken so I can be "Cuckold_Doodle_Do0_69." So there's that

2.) Hmmm...this is an interesting one. When you think about it, losing your virginity is the quintessential "losing one's innocence" moment, right? So maybe your boyfriend just really gets off on the idea of you transforming from a pure, good girl into a bad, bad, dirty girl; the kind of girl who loses her virginity to someone with a big 'ole dick. I mean, isn't that essentially why guys dig the whole naughty schoolgirl thing? Good girl gone bad and all of that? Rihanna, can I get an amen? This is just sort of an...extreme version of that. And by extreme, I mean your boyfriend probably likes smooth little boys.

3.) Just kidding.

4.) Although, I don't know; he might.

5.) But mostly I'm just fucking with you.

6.) To piggy-back off what Amy said, this situation isn't just weird because he wants to hear about you having sex with someone else for the first time, it's weird because he wants to hear about you having sex for the first time period. Because I can't think of any story less erotic than the story of losing my virginity. A ham sandwich soaked in lighter fluid is sexier than when I lost my virginity. I highly doubt anyone would be able to keep it up during that story. Because it would go a little something like this:

Fictitious Boyfriend: Baby, it would be so hot to hear about how you lost your virginity right now...

Meg: Blokay! Well, I was wasted on Bailey's; I really wish I had re-evaluated ingesting so much cream-based liquor on a night when that much repetitive motion was involved; we were on a twin bed; my best friend was passed out on a couch less than two feet away
a fact I was too drunk to realize at the time; the condom broke and I was convinced I was pregnant for a good two weeks after even though neither of us came because it was that bad.

Fictitious Boyfriend: ....................[rolls over] Night.

So I'm either really impressed with you for having a not-awkward first time story, or I'm really impressed with him and his ability to get off to anything even remotely sexier than sandpaper. Either way, a tip of the hat to somebody.



______________

Queer Abby,

My boss is an.....er, well, idiot. I know I sound like a pretentious graduate of some fancy private school like American University or Tulane, but I went to a modest state school in the Midwest and have fairly low standards for most people when it comes to etiquette, intelligence, conforming to social norms, etc...

If I didn't like my job, I'd just quit because of my boss. But since I like my job, however, I want to make this work. That's where you come in....

"What makes him so awful?", you ask. Well, the biggest thing is that he blows up for no reason at all. For example, if you suggest that we should cut the budget for office supplies, he may reply with "PERFECT! HOW ABOUT WE DON'T BUY ANY MORE OFFICE SUPPLIES AT ALL BECAUSE *insert your name here* THINKS THAT WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE!"

Really, dude? Blowing up about office supplies? It makes for a volatile work environment and is generally just plain uncomfortable. Besides, he often abuses the English language. Most recently were the words "asphyxiate", "lunacy" and "algebraic". (Why's he using these words? Your guess is as good as mine.)

My reaction is to just make snide remarks, hinting that I am superior to him in every way and am far more attractive. But no, I resist (usually).

Please help.

Anonymous



First thought: ‘Wait asphyxiate, lunacy and algebraic aren’t words?’

Second thought: You needn't tell him; he clearly knows that you're far superior and infinitely more attractive than him (and probably better in bed because I'm guessing he has a small wenis). I’m gonna venture a guess that that is why he feels the need to publicly patronize you when you're being perfectly logical. So, you're not doing yourself any favors in those instances you point it out.

Your best bet is to do exactly the opposite. Flatter him when you can (without sounding condescending). When you listen/speak to him, act like you truly think you have so much to learn from him. Ask about his opinions and vast experience in your field. And try to work honing your upwards management skills—for example, next time you have a suggestion/idea/solution, make him think it was his idea. And otherwise, one good way to do that is just to keep a low profile where he's concerned. The less you say the less he has to rip on you for.

Generally speaking, I tend to think there’s a very stark generational divide in the workforce right now that’s creating some really "interesting" power struggles. In my experience, the elder generation thinks the younger has an undue sense of entitlement, and they respond by acting like the douche bag frat boy who has to haze the the pledges to put them in their place and establish his superiority. Don't play into it. Act humble and I bet he'll likely play nicer until one of the two of you are ready or able to move on.

Sorry, just to confirm:
My boss is an.....er, well, idiot. I know I sound like a pretentious graduate of some fancy private school like American University or Tulane, but I went to a modest state school in the Midwest
That's making fun of me and how much I complained about Boss #1 and Boss #2, right? Thought so. Well, then I guess my advice is simply this:



It's not advice per se; it's just a good Dre song. And I specifically like the line, "You tryin' to hide it from your husband but I know he be knowin'/That your pussy's been tampered with/Did you show him the new trick of how you can make it smoke a cancer stick?"

It's just such strong imagery, you know? I mean, it has nothing to do with anything, but that's all you're going to get from me. Soooo, enjoy that.



______________
Dear Queer Abby,

There is this boy I've had my eye on for over a year. We've also been friends for about that long, so it's not like I haven't had any chances, I just puss out every time. He's also not one to take the initiative, so I thought I was safe going abroad last semester. I thought wrong, and it turned out that some girl in one of his classes jumped his bones and is now totally infatuated. A lot of my friends also seemed convinced that he was totally into me (last year at least), and his roommate tells me he doesn’t really take this relationship he’s in seriously. I'm graduating in less than a week and have been torn about just declaring my love to see what happens. I don't really know what that would accomplish since if I got what I wanted I would also be the bitch that broke some girl's heart, but part of my motivation is just to find out if he feels remotely the same way, and I'm getting the feeling that... it isn't worth it. I'm no good at approaching people about these things in a normal situation so the +1 is making this even more difficult. My plan was roughly to get drunk at my grad party this weekend and spill my guts just to see what happened, but I'm pretty sure those situations never end well. What to do!

Sincerely,

Anonymous (sorry, I’m no good at coming up with clever pseudonyms)

Far as I can figure, it isn’t worth it. Whether he likes/liked you is irrelevant at this point. All you have to work with is the situation as it is right now, which is that he’s with someone else. So, you have to assume he wants to be. And yes, you’re right; it would be a dick move to disrespect/disregard his relationship with the other girl by making a play for him, whether by pouncing, pursuing or just professing your love. And if either of you are leaving after graduation, the most that would come of it is a drunk hook-up, so it’s not worth playing your hand or fucking that other girl over,

And if you’re both staying put after graduation, what’s the rush?

In either case, your best bet is to remain friends with him, and I don’t mean the kind of friend that flirts, tries to undermine his relationship or even just pines for him and waits in the wings, I mean like a for real friend. If his roommate is right, it’s only a matter of time before the wheels fall off of his current relationship. (Let that happen in it's own time and course. I promise, you don't want to be the reason) And at that point, if you’re still interested, don’t wait around to make your move until the opportunity is lost again
write me immediately and I’ll tell you how to work it.

William Henry Thoreau once said, "Fight the feeling, leave it alone; cuz if it ain't love it just ain't enough to leave a happy home." And although I'm no expert on transcendentalism (although I do dabble,) I'm pretty sure what he was trying to say was, "It's probably not worth it, so keep it in your pants unless you want to be the ho who breaks up a couple and gets bad dating karma FOREVS." Although Tori and Dean kind of broke up each other's previous marriages and they're doing fine. Except they're not and it completely stresses me out. Because if Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel don't reconcile and Tori and Dean get divorced, IS ANYTHING REAL IN THIS CRAZY WORLD?! Why I give reality TV and anonymous blog comments so much power over my life is beyond me.

What was I giving you advice about? Oh, yes. The My Best Friend's Wedding-esque situation. I mean, does it really matter what Amy and I say? All three of us know that you're just going to get wasted and profess your love to him this weekend anyway. Because if even .05% of you is thinking it over, the second a drop of Mount Gay Vanilla Rum and Diet Coke hits your lips, you'll be in a corner with him all, "I'VE WANTED TO TELL YOU SSSSSSOMETHING FOR SOOOOOOO LONG! [stumble, stumble]" I know it. You know it. Jill Zarin knows it. Ginger Zarin knows it. Bobby's tinted "I'm wearing these despite the fact that it's 9pm and I'm indoors" sunglasses
know it. It's gonna happen. So my advice to you is to look smokin' and enjoy venting about the DRAMZ the next day at brunch. Oh, and happy graduation!


And a happy graduation to all you graduates out there! Ex Co-Blogger Eddie graduates from UPenn Monday morning, so a big mozel tov to her! Way to get a degree that allows you to sign the papers which make it legal for me to get a pug, despite my building's no-dog rule. Such a selfless act of friendship. Best dudes forever Abe, best dudes forever.

And speaking of best dudes, thank you, dear reader, for reading this here blog, forwarding it to your friends, following us on Twitter, joining our Facebook page and blah blah social networking blah. We appreciate it a lot and hope you have a great weekend. We'll see you right back here, bright and early Monday morning! Buh-bye.

28 comments:

Sarah P said...

Please, please don't get a shark dog costume until you are more financially stable.

Sorry. Couldn't help it. That commenter was an asshole.

This is why Queer Abby is great: it's super long, way too much for one blog post, BUT you post it on Friday, so there is stuff to read on Saturday and Sunday. Most bloggers don't care, but Meg McBlogger ...

Courtney Alexis said...

omg, I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the 2 Birds 1 Blog store. I can't wait to sport a "Sorr about the bag" bag and then gleefully explain it to people.

Your Halloween costume idea ROCKS. However, when I first saw "then I'm going to staple dollar bills to the costume", for some reason read it as "staple dollar bills to my legs" and I was going to comment on how much I admire your dedication. My bad.

Anonymous said...

My phone rang (at my office) just as I was enjoying my happy morning 2B1B reading, as I scrolled down to the Shocker Splint - and I laughed out loud as I greeted him awkwardly. I managed to freak out a lowly telemarketer at 9:30am on a Friday. Great work Meg ;)

Anonymous said...

Your Halloween costume idea is awesome - but I can't even fathom thinking about Halloween in May. Great post though. I love me some Dre to start off my day and I appreciate the clone high reference - Nice job Meggles.

Great advice Queer Abby! You're posts are getting better every week.

Anonymous said...

the Rogue States cup in the background of your Shocker Splint picture is making me crave a burger at 10 AM - does that mean I have a problem??

Jennifer said...

Uh, hey Sarah P-
Every time you comment you leave a backhanded compliment, and really it is quite annoying. I checked out your blog...stop insulting Meg with the hahah you are great but you suck too crap. Green is not a good color on anyone.

Meg,
Great post as always!
<3

Meghan said...

Meg, I hope your RastaPug crosses over from reggae to beatboxing occasionally, like this dog:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhz9Aa6tDwk

Hails said...

69 is used in almost every password in my life.

I feel ya, meg.

Anna said...

your wonderful mood translates in this bubbly post. god bless your soul!

now promptly shove a piece of mamma lucias pizza and fine white wine down ma thoat! accompanied with middle school horror stories.

<3

Anonymous said...

I believe Dr. Dre would say "fan-f**k'n-fantabulous" to you meg & queer abby. Please proceed in an orderly fashion.

ashzilla said...

1. I LOVE that french bulldog in a shark costume--it totally looks like my puppy, who I coincidentally call a shark from time to time because she eats anything...including rocks. I went to the website and now my porker has a cute little pink pig costume for Halloween, and for that, THANK YOU!

2. I'm 23 and still laugh at words like erectus too. In fact in my anatomy class I keep losing my cool and cracking up over these lovely terms:

"bony shaft"

"..., which literally translates to little nipples"

and the best:

"what do the oral cavity, the throat, the vagina and the anal cavity all have in common?" (I about died)

3. No one's virginity loss story is anything but awkward or painful

4. I was JUST watching My Best Friend's Wedding, go figure. Love that movie. She did make an ass of herself in it trying to break them up. It would really have to be worth it to end up feeling like that at the end of the day.

Heather said...

God, the Clone High reference is always the sweet, sweet cherry on top of the hilarious sundae.

Jules said...

"We'll see you right back here, bright and early Monday morning!"

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies :(.

Tiffany said...

Not another no post Monday! :(

Anonymous said...

wtf, no posties?

Anonymous said...

no post mondays are a serious (sorr about the) drag

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Anonymous said...

Hallo zusammen , lesen jetzt Ihr web work hier und ich genossen genießen Sie Beitrag mit Wissen !
Good Work , Aufenthalt sicher und auch frohe Weihnachten und einen guten Rutsch ins neue Jahr 2011! Sorry bad Deutsch!

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