OH SHIT: A Quiz!

This has nothing to do with anything, but I opened tonight's Meg/Chris conference call with the following thought: "I wish I had an erotic robot named Chazz who would write the blog for me when I'm feeling too emotional."

...I can honestly say that that's one of the homelier things that's ever escaped my mouth. And I guess it didn't help that I was in a "house dress" and eating Chipotle in bed when I said it. But, I digress.

When people who read the blog meet me for the first time, they typically ask the same three questions:

1.) How did Boss #1 and Boss #2 find the blog? (I don't know.)

2.) Are all those stories real? (Yes. Sadly. For me.)

3.) Isn't it awkward that your parents read the blog?

The last answer is surprisingly, no. Which I think is mostly because I choose not to acknowledge the fact that they read the blog or else all of my entries would be about paying my bills on time, random acts of kindness and my faith in abstinence. (Instead of diarrhea, poverty and accidental abstinence.) I also think it's not awkward because despite being readers, my parents are actually fans. (Which are few and far between these days, so I'll take what I can get.) Well, technically my mom is a reader and a fan; my dad is just a fan. The only entry he's ever read is the one that his boss read aloud to him on a business trip, which is actually the most awkward scenario I can humanly think of, but I think he said he liked it? This is also the boss, mind you, who ducked into his office to inform him that he just saw on Twitter that I'd been fired. Again, I take my fans where I can get 'em.

Our newest biggest fan is Chris' dad. He thinks the blog is well-written, despite being quote, "a little uncomfortable." Every time Chris tells his dad about something, he immediately tells him to blog about it. Likewise, my dad thinks that I should design a croissant that looks like Jesus, put it on a t-shirt that says, "Christ on a Croissant: HE IS RISEN!", and sell it in our store for top dollar. (Side note: this just happened:

Chris: We have good parents.

Meg: I know. It's obnoxious, right?

Chris: Don't you wish you had worse parents so we could blame our feelings on them?

Meg: Yeah. I just blame my feelings on a chemical imbalance instead. What about you?

Chris: [long pause]...Diarrhea?

...We are 12-years-old. And I make no apologies for it. Moving on.)

Not only do our parents put the fun back in financial dependence, they also come up with really good ideas for posts. One day Chris' dad (a prominent academic who works for a children's charity in his spare time) emailed Chris out of the blue suggesting that we "do a blog on embarrassing things that have happened and the readers pick: a.) It happened to Meg; b.) It happened to Chris; c.) It happened to Kevin Yang; d.) It happened to a friend or e.) Made it up."

And frankly, we kind of liked it. Thus, we present to you: OH SHIT: A Quiz! (A Chris' Dad Production.)

Who was humiliated? Multiple Choice:

a.) Meg

b.) Chris

c.) Kevin Yang

d.) A Friend

or e.) We made it up

Keep score at home and click "comments" to see the answers. Good luck!

1.) Got so excited to claim his/her baggage that he/she fell onto the carousel and had to be rescued.

2.) Mistook a bouncer's "go to the end of the line" gesture as a "give me a bear hug" gesture outside a prominent nightclub in London.

3.) Got so drunk before prom, he/she shat his/her prom clothes.

4.) When an acquaintance referenced her autistic son, understanding "autistic" to mean "rambunctious", said, "Ooo! That must be quite a handful!"

5.) Tripped off a stool at work and accidentally yelled, "FUDGE-PACKER!" slightly louder than was appropriate.

6.) Vomited profusely while actively being an altar server.

7.) Almost did it with a guy named "Jester".

8.) Actually did it with a guy named "Quentin".

9.) Was circumcised at age 8.

10.) Vomited into his/her own purse, fastened it shut and calmly put it on his/her lap like no one was the wiser.

11.) Was stopped by the police so they could check his/her car for an abducted child.

12.) Was broken up with via text message. Twice.

13.) Found out he/she was dumped via Facebook newsfeed.

14.) Has been eating edamame with its pod on for years. Was corrected at a dinner party.

15.) Was caught masturbating by his/her mom, who made a point of apologizing the next day.

16.) Was once so constipated his/her parents took him/her to the hospital, for fear that he/she had appendicitis.

17.) Once had diarrhea so badly his/her parents took him/her to the hospital for fear that he/she was dying.

18.) Was informed after he/she got off stage that his/her underwear was showing during the National Honors Society Induction Ceremony.

19.) Actually purchased and is currently wearing SillyBandz.

20.) A Jonas Brothers song was their top jam "at a point not conveniently removed from the present."

21. ) Made a list of his/her interests in the Summer of 2006 and #10 was the Will Smith song "Switch" from the major motion picture Hitch.

22.) Was disqualified from a blog competition for being late and too racist.

23.) Attended a Beanie Baby convention at a local rec center.

24.) Once there, purchased the "In Memory of Princess Diana" bear and the limited edition panda.

25.) And even worse, bought collectible holders for them so they wouldn't get dusty.

26.) Spent 7 hours on the phone one night talking about Kevin Yang.

27.) Was once in a local commercial for the WB.

28.) Once passed out on his/her girl scout trip to Savannah from having too much fun!

29.) Had/has a boyfriend who makes erotic collages.

30.) Has a locally recognized blog and a "Simpsons" tattoo.

31.) Was once suspected of having juvenile diabetes, but it turned out he/she had just had too much candy that day.

32.) Got in trouble for looking at vaginal dye on his/her mother's computer at the age of 25. (That's mid-twenties.)

33.) Once spent an hour watching cervical exam videos on youtube.

34.) Created the fictional porn character "UV Ray" who doubly penetrates you in your V...and your U.

This week's most frequently asked questions, answered!

1.) You didn't pick my sex story, which sucks for you because it was really funny. Go fuck yourself, Meg.
Well, that's not really a question, but I'll certainly take it into consideration.

2.) You didn't pick my friend's sex story, which sucks for you because it was really funny. Go fuck yourself, Meg.
Again, not a question, but you're a good friend for taking time out of your day to tell me to go eff myself. You could always send some of that hostility Tulane Chris' way, though. Dicking your friend over was a team effort.

3.) I heard a rumor that Chris was pulling really hard for "Sex Minx" to win. Why'd he like her story so much?
Because of this excerpt, specifically what's in bold:

[Sex Minx is getting hit from behind by her boyfriend in the library. He pulls out because they hear someone coming.]

He stumbles back (clumsy fuck — no pun intended) and the condom had sort of come loose, apparently, so when he blew his load, he sent the condom airborne. A rooster tail of white cum and a white condom. Everyone got really flustered.

4.) That story should have been on the blog yesterday and not Pete's.
Well quit your job, abandon your life in New York, move back into your parent's house, start a blog, work really hard and then you can hold competitions and pick winners.

5.) Fine, maybe I will.
I hope you do.

6.) I'm gonna.
Good.

7.) I'm gonna do it right now.
Good luck to you.

8.) Here I go...
OK.

9.) Do you have any advice on starting a blog?
Sigh...

10.) I can't believe Kevin Yang won third place. That's bullshit. I actually tried.
To clarify, Kevin Yang didn't win third place, "Dan D." did. Kevin Yang didn't win any place. You reading this right now who didn't even submit anything? You placed higher than Kevin Yang did.

8.) Gahh! Your store doesn't ship internationally! Change that!
Let me work on it.

9.) I want 2b1b stickers, but I don't want the DC flag ones. What do I do?
I'll add logo stickers to the store later today. Although I don't understand why you wouldn't want to bring DC pride to wherever you live. A district good enough for Obama, Marion Barry and Kal Penn (and Meg McBlogger...) isn't good enough for you?

10.) I mean, not really.
Well. I respect your honesty. I guess.

10.) I ordered something from your store!
Thanks man!

11.) When will I get it?
In about two weeks.

12.) TWO WEEKS?! Are you fucking kidding me? I want my shit now!
Dude, trust me, I know. I want my tote bag just as badly as you do, but we're still setting up our inventory and figuring everything out, so we need everyone in the first order to be patient with us.

13.) Fuck patience, I want my tote!
I don't physically have a tote bag to give you.

14.) Well, give me something else.
What do you want?

15.) A BJ wouldn't hurt.
Trust me, an invisible tote would probably be more satisfying.

16.) $20 for a canvas tote bag is highway robbery.
So don't buy one.

17.) Yeah. But it's the principle of the matter.
Well, we jacked up the price a bit because all of the proceeds go towards supporting the blog and we didn't think you guys would mind paying a little extra if you knew it was going towards the 2b1b Investigates travel fund, computer stuffs, new projects, etc.

18.) Oh. Well when you put it like that, I'm cool with it.
Awesome—shop2birds1blog.com.

19.) No, I'm still not going to buy one. It just doesn't offend me as much anymore.
Oh. Well, thank god for that.

20.) Did you see that Kevin Yang wrote something on his blog about you guys?
No I didn't and I don't want to know what it says, so don't tell me! Likewise, Kevin Yang emailed me and Chris yesterday and I have zero plans of reading it. Ever. I know the subject is "Hi" and the first line is, "Hey, Thanks again for the post? I don't know what to take away from it, but..." and that's knowing too much already. I refuse to let Kevin Yang become a real person and I refuse to let The Kevin Yang Experience become sullied. Reading an email from him or reading a blog post about his reaction to our obsession would humanize him way too much for my liking. I don't want him to justify anything, or clarify anything, or apologize for anything, or not apologize for anything and I sure as shit don't want his writing to improve or his ego to deflate. I want him to stay exactly the way he was Tuesday night: a racist gay Asian who works as a bakery assistant in Orlando and sent in a recycled blog entry 21 minutes late and not spellchecked. That is who I need Kevin Yang to be. And any contact with him from here on out will only change that and make him significantly less funny to me, which is something I just can't have. I'm sorry. My therapist wants me to become more comfortable with the idea that my needs aren't selfish, so I'm going to take a stand here and now and say that I need the Kevin Yang Experience to remain pure.

21.) A simple "no" would have sufficed.
...

22.) Quick question, what did Andrew of the Great Juno Debate fame say last night at dinner that made you laugh so hard you almost vomited nachos and Bud Light everywhere?
"Kevin Yang and the Orlando Sound Machine."

23.) God, can you imagine what that album cover would look like?
Yes.



24.) What would a Kevin Yang doo-wop group be called?
The Yang-a-Langa Ding-Dongs.



25.) What did Austin text you yesterday that made you cackle-out-loud in line at CVS, thereby making everyone else turn and look at you while you stood there and felt like a complete jackass?
"Yang On a Hot Tin Roof."

26.) ...You went home and photoshopped something for that, didn't you?
No, how much time do you think I have? (............Yes.)



27.) According to Andrew, what would a Kevin Yang Meat Loaf-based band be called and what would their breakout hit be?
Yang Loaf—"I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Go Black)"



28.) Is this what you're doing with your expensive graphic design degree these days?
YEP. And I'm not even mad.

29.) Why does my mouth taste like stale bourbon and Sue Ellen's lipstick?
Because it's T.G.I. Hagman!



As of 5:47am on May 28, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! Zomfg. Larry Hagman/Kevin Yang mash-up: Larry Yangman. Wet. Dream. Come. True.

30.) Last question: Does Queer Abby have some doozies for us this week?
Ooof. Does she ever.

My Dear Queer,

Is that offensive? [Not really] Should I have tacked on the Abbey part? [Most Definitely] I mean, I'm mostly just tickled that the words 'dear' and 'queer' rhyme, so that's really what I was going for, but I like to feel like I'm all hip and with it, but I was raised in super conservative religious household and have no idea how to actually balance being hip and with it with not being offensive. And that's not even my real problem. [Phew]

My conundrum is this: I'm engaged, right? And my fiance is the tits. Seriously, he's amazing and I could totally gush and gush for days about how tit-tacular my fiance is (metaphorically speaking, of course. He's probably like a AA cup). And I'm in love with him, which is largely why I agreed to marry him in the first place, because Lord knows it wasn't for his ten year old desktop computer or impeccable taste in Hawaiian shirts. But despite being very much in love with my fiance and totally full-steam ahead with the wedding and marriage and eventual reproduction and all that jazz, I keep having these Nam-like flashbacks to what it was like when I was with my most recent ex.

You see, my ex and I were pretty nuts about each other. By which I mean, we were young and had all sorts of hormones all over each other and thought it was emotion. They were really intense hormones, though. Like, so intense that I really question whether I will ever experience anything remotely as intense with anyone ever again.

I mean, it's not like I want to get back with my ex. I do not. He dropped out of school to work at a drive-through liquor store and has no intention of ever finishing his education. He has no goals and no aspirations and the last thing I want to be saddled with for the rest of my life is a giant fixer-upper project of a man. Also, he listens to Soulja Boy unironically and thinks it's good music, which I'm not sure I can handle. I'm just a little bit worried that I don't feel anything even close to as intense with my fiance, who is so good to and for me and whom I honestly do love and adore. So, Queer Abbey, my question is this: How can I alleviate some of this baggage? I would really like to be able to just move forward into a healthy and happy relationship with my husband-to-be, but I'm not sure how to do that with all these awesome memories of another man.

Love,

Apologist Zoologist

Dear AZ,

Here are a few things out front that I would like you to keep in mind:

1) No one ever feels the same way about two different significant others. They’re different people, who have different things to offer, bring out different things in you and (hopefully) occur in different stages during your life.

2) It’s not abnormal to view former lovers through rose-tinted glasses. Unless the relationship ended over something totally egregious, or the person ended up being crazy, abusive or a lying, cheating shit bag, you’ll probably (eventually) remember the good times over the bad.

3) When you’re around the corner from committing to one person for the rest of your life, it makes total sense that you would wonder/worry about who/what you’ll never have again.

But more generally, AZ, remember this: there are infinite opportunity costs for every decision we make. The trick is to be thoughtful enough in making them that you can see what you’re missing, and still be 100% confident in the reasons you made the choice you did. It sounds to me like you have your reasons, so you just need to concentrate on reveling in what you have, rather than dwelling on what you don’t.

All that said, I do have one caveat. I'm glad you speak very highly of your fiancé, but make sure those feelings are genuine. A lot of times when we feel the need to sell our decisions to others, we are actually just trying to alleviate our own doubt. If you think there’s any chance your fiance looks great on paper and you know he’s the kind of guy you should be with, but deep down you’re not entirely convinced he’s really what you want right now, you need to give that some serious thought before you walk down the isle.

Honestly though, I would be way more worried about that last possibility if you had said, unlike this one, most of your previous relationships were incredibly intense. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it doesn't seem like that's the case. So my final piece of advice is this, see if you can isolate what made that previous relationship so intense. Maybe it had nothing to do with your ex, specifically, but some sort of fantasy or sexual rapport your interaction with him lended itself to. If that’s the case, maybe it’s something you can inject into your current relationship.

It's instances like these that I can't help but wonder, What Would Kevin Yang Do (WWKYD)?

1.) Stop writing in full sentences and italicize random words just for fun.

2.) Frost a cupcake.

3.) Get a restraining order against Meg & Tulane Chris from 2birds1blog.

4.) Close your eyes, spin around, stop, point to something and open your eyes. Write down whatever it is that you're pointing to.

5.) Close your eyes, spin around, stop, point to something and open your eyes again. Now write that thing down.

6.) Compare those two things in a nonsensical simile.

7.) Pat yourself on the back for being such a clever writer.

8.) Say something racist.

9.) Put on a Beyoncé mix and dance like Elvis is about to ship out.

So, dear reader, I recommend that you do all of the above and post haste! You're welcome.

Dear Queer Abby,

I've kind of reached the limits of dating in this city. My long-term bf broke up with me last year, and it took a while for me to give enough of a fuck to attempt dating (honestly, the first attempt at dating I've had to make in six years... yikes). And, I'm pretty sure I'm a total fuck up at it. I've hit it off with a few guys, but the pattern seems to be something like this:

1) Dude approaches me at bar/club/brunch/ whatevs
2) Sparkling conversation ensues
3) Dancing/making-out/mutual friends/escalating dares leads to digits exchanged
4) Date #1 and #2 are good (and I feel confident enough to text... and I think this is my downfall. You see, I enjoy sending a good text OR taking the initiative and inviting them to do something)
5) Hopes/daydreams build
6) I lose my edge and get suuuper unsure of myself/start to wonder what I'm doing "wrong" as he seems to be communicating less or making fewer plans (and I probably overcompensate at this point by trying harder)
7) He's just "not into it" or "wants to be friends for fear of someone [me] getting hurt".

For reals, what do I do? I can't help getting excited about it, but then I lose confidence and poof, c'est tout.

Tips?

Thanks, love your work!

Determined to Not Die Alone in my Apartment in DC

I promise you’re not fucked up at it. In fact, I’d say you’re doing about five sevenths of it just fine. Seriously, a little hope can be healthy and the reaching out and taking initiative thing can be perfectly ok as well...within reason. Even a little insecurity is completely natural, especially since you’re still working on getting your sea legs in the dating world. The main problem I see here is the bit about over-compensating. Trust me, if he really lacks interest, you can’t possibly compensate for that with your hyper-interest. And, more importantly, why would you want to? You deserve to be with someone who thinks you’re worth working for and is, at very least, going to meet you half way.

Beyond that, it doesn’t matter how determined you are, there really isn't much you can single-handedly do to change his opinion or the course that the courtship will take (short of completely misrepresenting yourself, which I NEVER advise). These things tend to come down to the most inflexible factors on the planet: namely timing and chemistry. Both of you are either ripe for getting into a relationship, or you’re not; and there are either sparks flying from both directions, or there aren’t. It doesn’t necessarily say anything bad about either of you if those conditions aren’t met; you two just aren’t the right match at the right time (most aren’t!). So, don’t start to second-guess yourself, don’t lose confidence and don’t try to change or deny the situation at hand.

Instead, be patient, temper those hopes and dreams for a bit and keep dating around until some guy comes a long and proves that he’s willing and able to do it right. Remember confidence is attractive. So demonstrate your confidence and sense of self worth by walking away when someone seems disengaged. I promise you’ll look better and feel better for it, and eventually you’ll meet the right person.

Wait...you meet people at brunch? That's 3-parts impressive and 1-part questionable. When I'm at brunch I'm usually hungover, cramming sausage links in my mouth, not wearing makeup and sweating Miller High Life. God bless the man who would want to chat that up. I have no advice for you because if you're meeting people at brunch, you're doing significantly better than I am at dating in DC. But then again, the sausage links and Yang obsession probably aren't really helping anything. Although in the immortal words of Luke Connelly from More to Love, "No regrets..."

Welp, that's going to do it for us here at 2b1b this week. A huge thank you to everyone who bought something from the merch store and/or sent in a sex story this week. We really appreciate all you do to support us. Hope you have a great weekend and we'll see you back here Monday morning! Laterzzz.

If you steal my Halloween costume idea, I will cut you. (And other helpful pieces of advice.)

So I've pretty much felt like crap all week, but kudos to me for being a "responsible" "young" "adult" and actually going to the doctor yesterday. And guess what I ended up being prescribed? 350 milligrams of T.G.I. HAGMAN!



As of 4:34am on May 14, 2010, Larry Hagman is...alive! Hagman: take with food or milk. Or bourbon.

Oh, and to answer your questions from last week: I saw Cella last Saturday afternoon and to my knowledge, she's still alive and kickin'. Well, I think kickin' is a gross overstatement, but we watched half an episode of Tough Love Couples on VH1 while Becky got ready and she seemed content enough. In other dog related news! I've totally decided what Ichabod my Rasta Pug and I are going to be for Halloween:



I'm going to do my makeup so it looks like I've been beat up and my knees have been bashed in, then I'm going to staple fake dollar bills to the costume above and Icky's going to be a LOAN SHARK! And I'm his victim! GET IT?! DO YOU GET IT?!?! A-TEE-HEE-HEE-HAHAHAHAHA OHHHHHHHHHHyyyyyyyyep. I'm coordinating my Halloween costume with my dog's. In May. And I don't have a dog. Unfortunate: The other white meat.

Speaking of being unfortunate and taking measures to change that, I would like to take this time to give a huge, huge, HUGE thank you to the wonderful Lara. Yeah, she got drunk on "Ruby Relaxers" and shamelessly hit on my dad in a parking lot one time, but she also came over after a long day at work last night, only to spend another four hours working with me on blog merch store stuff. And by "working with me" I mean she coded and figured out the confusing technical stuff while I taped my left hand into a "Shocker Splint" using drafting tape, tried to type and subsequently laughed at myself slightly too hard.

I mean, if that's not true friendship; I don't know what is. You, madam, have my blessing to drunkenly hit on my dad any day of the week. God bless you, Lara. God bless you and your sloppy Ruby Tuesday lovin' heart.

And while we're on the topic, I know for a fact that the merch store is going to be a success. Wanna know why? Oh, I don't know; perhaps you should check out the 4-digit PayPal verification code on my bank statement that I had to reference to confirm our account:



Yep. #0069. When I saw that, I immediately turned to Lara and was like, "OH MY FUCKING LORD—IT'S A SIGN!!!!!" and seriously felt a lot better about this little venture. I mean, of all the 4-digit random combinations that could have been assigned to me, I got 0069?! Have you ever met me? I laughed-out-loud in my elevator today when I read a sign telling residents to be careful on the roof because scaffolding has been erected. And you know why? Because erected. The only way I remember the code to the door at work is because it's my area code + 69. And likewise, the only way I remember the CVC code on the back of my credit card is because it's 690. And 2b1b's randomly generated PayPal confirmation code is 0069?...Yeah. I'm going to make a fucking babillion dollars. THNX IN ADVANCE!

Man, I'm in a good mood. I feel like giving back to the community or some shit. Let's answer this week's Queer Abby questions, shall we? If you're new, Queer Abby is our weekly advice column where your most burning questions are answered first well by my lesbian publicist, Amy, and then poorly by me. We're like the Hall & Oates of advice. (Got a question, Maneater? Shoot an email to QueerAbby@2birds1blog.com!)

Hi Queer Abby.

This may be a question better suited for Savage Love but since my man reads Savage Love I will ask you.

Is it weird that my man asks me to talk dirty to him about the first time I did it (with specific detail). The size, the tightness etc? I once revealed that my first boyfriend was extremely well-hung and now said man is fixated. It is hard enough to talk dirty but actually sharing real-life experiences in the heat of the moment is rully, rully hard ( and not in a good way)! Most of the time I just make shit up because A) it was a long time ago; B) I've smoked a lot of dope since then and my memory ain't what is used to be C) I sometimes wonder if my mind's eye embellished the 1st boyfriend's endowment, which brings me to D) thinking about 1st boyfriend makes me fantasize about going back to investigate and that ain't nothing but bad luck and trouble.

Peace

Is it weird…? Personally, I’d say yes. Objectively, I’ll say no. I don’t get it at all. I can’t imagine anything I want to hear about less than my partners’ former lovers. But to each his/her own—this doesn’t seem to be an unhealthy or generally disrespectful fetish. (I mean, compared to Name Withheld from last week, you’re lucky he’s being honest and comes to you with what he wants.)

If it’s something you really aren’t comfortable with (like it makes you feel totally violated or like your violating your ex’s privacy), you should definitely tell him that, unequivocally, and he should respect it. If it’s just not something you particularly enjoy, then my inclination is to say keep an open mind about it and even try to entertain it from time to time, because that’s what we do to please our partners, right? But moreover, figure out what it is exactly that gets him so worked up about it so you can experiment with other ways to fulfill this particular interest of his that may be more comfortable for you. Like figure out what it is exactly that gets him so worked up about it to see if you can talk dirty to him about someone/something other than an actual ex. Or maybe watching a particular type of porn together would do the trick. Get me? But it sounds to me like he might have a virgin or cuckolding fetish, so you might want to start there.

1.) Cuckold is never not the most fun word in the English language. I want to join a cuckolding support group for the soul purpose of creating the user name, "Cuckold_Doodle_Do0." And part of me prays that it's taken so I can be "Cuckold_Doodle_Do0_69." So there's that

2.) Hmmm...this is an interesting one. When you think about it, losing your virginity is the quintessential "losing one's innocence" moment, right? So maybe your boyfriend just really gets off on the idea of you transforming from a pure, good girl into a bad, bad, dirty girl; the kind of girl who loses her virginity to someone with a big 'ole dick. I mean, isn't that essentially why guys dig the whole naughty schoolgirl thing? Good girl gone bad and all of that? Rihanna, can I get an amen? This is just sort of an...extreme version of that. And by extreme, I mean your boyfriend probably likes smooth little boys.

3.) Just kidding.

4.) Although, I don't know; he might.

5.) But mostly I'm just fucking with you.

6.) To piggy-back off what Amy said, this situation isn't just weird because he wants to hear about you having sex with someone else for the first time, it's weird because he wants to hear about you having sex for the first time period. Because I can't think of any story less erotic than the story of losing my virginity. A ham sandwich soaked in lighter fluid is sexier than when I lost my virginity. I highly doubt anyone would be able to keep it up during that story. Because it would go a little something like this:

Fictitious Boyfriend: Baby, it would be so hot to hear about how you lost your virginity right now...

Meg: Blokay! Well, I was wasted on Bailey's; I really wish I had re-evaluated ingesting so much cream-based liquor on a night when that much repetitive motion was involved; we were on a twin bed; my best friend was passed out on a couch less than two feet away—a fact I was too drunk to realize at the time; the condom broke and I was convinced I was pregnant for a good two weeks after even though neither of us came because it was that bad.

Fictitious Boyfriend: ....................[rolls over] Night.

So I'm either really impressed with you for having a not-awkward first time story, or I'm really impressed with him and his ability to get off to anything even remotely sexier than sandpaper. Either way, a tip of the hat to somebody.


______________

Queer Abby,

My boss is an.....er, well, idiot. I know I sound like a pretentious graduate of some fancy private school like American University or Tulane, but I went to a modest state school in the Midwest and have fairly low standards for most people when it comes to etiquette, intelligence, conforming to social norms, etc...

If I didn't like my job, I'd just quit because of my boss. But since I like my job, however, I want to make this work. That's where you come in....

"What makes him so awful?", you ask. Well, the biggest thing is that he blows up for no reason at all. For example, if you suggest that we should cut the budget for office supplies, he may reply with "PERFECT! HOW ABOUT WE DON'T BUY ANY MORE OFFICE SUPPLIES AT ALL BECAUSE *insert your name here* THINKS THAT WE DON'T NEED ANY MORE!"

Really, dude? Blowing up about office supplies? It makes for a volatile work environment and is generally just plain uncomfortable. Besides, he often abuses the English language. Most recently were the words "asphyxiate", "lunacy" and "algebraic". (Why's he using these words? Your guess is as good as mine.)

My reaction is to just make snide remarks, hinting that I am superior to him in every way and am far more attractive. But no, I resist (usually).

Please help.

Anonymous

First thought: ‘Wait asphyxiate, lunacy and algebraic aren’t words?’

Second thought: You needn't tell him; he clearly knows that you're far superior and infinitely more attractive than him (and probably better in bed because I'm guessing he has a small wenis). I’m gonna venture a guess that that is why he feels the need to publicly patronize you when you're being perfectly logical. So, you're not doing yourself any favors in those instances you point it out.

Your best bet is to do exactly the opposite. Flatter him when you can (without sounding condescending). When you listen/speak to him, act like you truly think you have so much to learn from him. Ask about his opinions and vast experience in your field. And try to work honing your upwards management skills—for example, next time you have a suggestion/idea/solution, make him think it was his idea. And otherwise, one good way to do that is just to keep a low profile where he's concerned. The less you say the less he has to rip on you for.

Generally speaking, I tend to think there’s a very stark generational divide in the workforce right now that’s creating some really "interesting" power struggles. In my experience, the elder generation thinks the younger has an undue sense of entitlement, and they respond by acting like the douche bag frat boy who has to haze the the pledges to put them in their place and establish his superiority. Don't play into it. Act humble and I bet he'll likely play nicer until one of the two of you are ready or able to move on.

Sorry, just to confirm:

My boss is an.....er, well, idiot. I know I sound like a pretentious graduate of some fancy private school like American University or Tulane, but I went to a modest state school in the Midwest

That's making fun of me and how much I complained about Boss #1 and Boss #2, right? Thought so. Well, then I guess my advice is simply this:



It's not advice per se; it's just a good Dre song. And I specifically like the line, "You tryin' to hide it from your husband but I know he be knowin'/That your pussy's been tampered with/Did you show him the new trick of how you can make it smoke a cancer stick?"

It's just such strong imagery, you know? I mean, it has nothing to do with anything, but that's all you're going to get from me. Soooo, enjoy that.


______________

Dear Queer Abby,

There is this boy I've had my eye on for over a year. We've also been friends for about that long, so it's not like I haven't had any chances, I just puss out every time. He's also not one to take the initiative, so I thought I was safe going abroad last semester. I thought wrong, and it turned out that some girl in one of his classes jumped his bones and is now totally infatuated. A lot of my friends also seemed convinced that he was totally into me (last year at least), and his roommate tells me he doesn’t really take this relationship he’s in seriously. I'm graduating in less than a week and have been torn about just declaring my love to see what happens. I don't really know what that would accomplish since if I got what I wanted I would also be the bitch that broke some girl's heart, but part of my motivation is just to find out if he feels remotely the same way, and I'm getting the feeling that... it isn't worth it. I'm no good at approaching people about these things in a normal situation so the +1 is making this even more difficult. My plan was roughly to get drunk at my grad party this weekend and spill my guts just to see what happened, but I'm pretty sure those situations never end well. What to do!

Sincerely,

Anonymous (sorry, I’m no good at coming up with clever pseudonyms)

Far as I can figure, it isn’t worth it. Whether he likes/liked you is irrelevant at this point. All you have to work with is the situation as it is right now, which is that he’s with someone else. So, you have to assume he wants to be. And yes, you’re right; it would be a dick move to disrespect/disregard his relationship with the other girl by making a play for him, whether by pouncing, pursuing or just professing your love. And if either of you are leaving after graduation, the most that would come of it is a drunk hook-up, so it’s not worth playing your hand or fucking that other girl over,

And if you’re both staying put after graduation, what’s the rush?

In either case, your best bet is to remain friends with him, and I don’t mean the kind of friend that flirts, tries to undermine his relationship or even just pines for him and waits in the wings, I mean like a for real friend. If his roommate is right, it’s only a matter of time before the wheels fall off of his current relationship. (Let that happen in it's own time and course. I promise, you don't want to be the reason) And at that point, if you’re still interested, don’t wait around to make your move until the opportunity is lost again—write me immediately and I’ll tell you how to work it.

William Henry Thoreau once said, "Fight the feeling, leave it alone; cuz if it ain't love it just ain't enough to leave a happy home." And although I'm no expert on transcendentalism (although I do dabble,) I'm pretty sure what he was trying to say was, "It's probably not worth it, so keep it in your pants unless you want to be the ho who breaks up a couple and gets bad dating karma FOREVS." Although Tori and Dean kind of broke up each other's previous marriages and they're doing fine. Except they're not and it completely stresses me out. Because if Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel don't reconcile and Tori and Dean get divorced, IS ANYTHING REAL IN THIS CRAZY WORLD?! Why I give reality TV and anonymous blog comments so much power over my life is beyond me.

What was I giving you advice about? Oh, yes. The My Best Friend's Wedding-esque situation. I mean, does it really matter what Amy and I say? All three of us know that you're just going to get wasted and profess your love to him this weekend anyway. Because if even .05% of you is thinking it over, the second a drop of Mount Gay Vanilla Rum and Diet Coke hits your lips, you'll be in a corner with him all, "I'VE WANTED TO TELL YOU SSSSSSOMETHING FOR SOOOOOOO LONG! [stumble, stumble]" I know it. You know it. Jill Zarin knows it. Ginger Zarin knows it. Bobby's tinted "I'm wearing these despite the fact that it's 9pm and I'm indoors" sunglasses know it. It's gonna happen. So my advice to you is to look smokin' and enjoy venting about the DRAMZ the next day at brunch. Oh, and happy graduation!


And a happy graduation to all you graduates out there! Ex Co-Blogger Eddie graduates from UPenn Monday morning, so a big mozel tov to her! Way to get a degree that allows you to sign the papers which make it legal for me to get a pug, despite my building's no-dog rule. Such a selfless act of friendship. Best dudes forever Abe, best dudes forever.

And speaking of best dudes, thank you, dear reader, for reading this here blog, forwarding it to your friends, following us on Twitter, joining our Facebook page and blah blah social networking blah. We appreciate it a lot and hope you have a great weekend. We'll see you right back here, bright and early Monday morning! Buh-bye.