7.21.2010

OH SHIT: A Quiz!

This has nothing to do with anything, but I opened tonight's Meg/Chris conference call with the following thought: "I wish I had an erotic robot named Chazz who would write the blog for me when I'm feeling too emotional."

...I can honestly say that that's one of the homelier things that's ever escaped my mouth. And I guess it didn't help that I was in a "house dress" and eating Chipotle in bed when I said it. But, I digress.

When people who read the blog meet me for the first time, they typically ask the same three questions:

1.) How did Boss #1 and Boss #2 find the blog? (I don't know.)

2.) Are all those stories real? (Yes. Sadly. For me.)

3.) Isn't it awkward that your parents read the blog?

The last answer is surprisingly, no. Which I think is mostly because I choose not to acknowledge the fact that they read the blog or else all of my entries would be about paying my bills on time, random acts of kindness and my faith in abstinence. (Instead of diarrhea, poverty and accidental abstinence.) I also think it's not awkward because despite being readers, my parents are actually fans. (Which are few and far between these days, so I'll take what I can get.) Well, technically my mom is a reader and a fan; my dad is just a fan. The only entry he's ever read is the one that his boss read aloud to him on a business trip, which is actually the most awkward scenario I can humanly think of, but I think he said he liked it? This is also the boss, mind you, who ducked into his office to inform him that he just saw on Twitter that I'd been fired. Again, I take my fans where I can get 'em.

Our newest biggest fan is Chris' dad. He thinks the blog is well-written, despite being quote, "a little uncomfortable." Every time Chris tells his dad about something, he immediately tells him to blog about it. Likewise, my dad thinks that I should design a croissant that looks like Jesus, put it on a t-shirt that says, "Christ on a Croissant: HE IS RISEN!", and sell it in our store for top dollar. (Side note: this just happened:

Chris: We have good parents.

Meg: I know. It's obnoxious, right?

Chris: Don't you wish you had worse parents so we could blame our feelings on them?

Meg: Yeah. I just blame my feelings on a chemical imbalance instead. What about you?

Chris: [long pause]...Diarrhea?

...We are 12-years-old. And I make no apologies for it. Moving on.)

Not only do our parents put the fun back in financial dependence, they also come up with really good ideas for posts. One day Chris' dad (a prominent academic who works for a children's charity in his spare time) emailed Chris out of the blue suggesting that we "do a blog on embarrassing things that have happened and the readers pick: a.) It happened to Meg; b.) It happened to Chris; c.) It happened to Kevin Yang; d.) It happened to a friend or e.) Made it up."

And frankly, we kind of liked it. Thus, we present to you: OH SHIT: A Quiz! (A Chris' Dad Production.)

Who was humiliated? Multiple Choice:

a.) Meg
b.) Chris
c.) Kevin Yang
d.) A Friend
or e.) We made it up

Keep score at home and click "comments" to see the answers. Good luck!

1.) Got so excited to claim his/her baggage that he/she fell onto the carousel and had to be rescued.

2.) Mistook a bouncer's "go to the end of the line" gesture as a "give me a bear hug" gesture outside a prominent nightclub in London.

3.) Got so drunk before prom, he/she shat his/her prom clothes.

4.) When an acquaintance referenced her autistic son, understanding "autistic" to mean "rambunctious", said, "Ooo! That must be quite a handful!"

5.) Tripped off a stool at work and accidentally yelled, "FUDGE-PACKER!" slightly louder than was appropriate.

6.) Vomited profusely while actively being an altar server.

7.) Almost did it with a guy named "Jester".

8.) Actually did it with a guy named "Quentin".

9.) Was circumcised at age 8.

10.) Vomited into his/her own purse, fastened it shut and calmly put it on his/her lap like no one was the wiser.

11.) Was stopped by the police so they could check his/her car for an abducted child.

12.) Was broken up with via text message. Twice.

13.) Found out he/she was dumped via Facebook newsfeed.

14.) Has been eating edamame with its pod on for years. Was corrected at a dinner party.

15.) Was caught masturbating by his/her mom, who made a point of apologizing the next day.

16.) Was once so constipated his/her parents took him/her to the hospital, for fear that he/she had appendicitis.

17.) Once had diarrhea so badly his/her parents took him/her to the hospital for fear that he/she was dying.

18.) Was informed after he/she got off stage that his/her underwear was showing during the National Honors Society Induction Ceremony.

19.) Actually purchased and is currently wearing SillyBandz.

20.) A Jonas Brothers song was their top jam "at a point not conveniently removed from the present."

21. ) Made a list of his/her interests in the Summer of 2006 and #10 was the Will Smith song "Switch" from the major motion picture Hitch.

22.) Was disqualified from a blog competition for being late and too racist.

23.) Attended a Beanie Baby convention at a local rec center.

24.) Once there, purchased the "In Memory of Princess Diana" bear and the limited edition panda.

25.) And even worse, bought collectible holders for them so they wouldn't get dusty.

26.) Spent 7 hours on the phone one night talking about Kevin Yang.

27.) Was once in a local commercial for the WB.

28.) Once passed out on his/her girl scout trip to Savannah from having too much fun!

29.) Had/has a boyfriend who makes erotic collages.

30.) Has a locally recognized blog and a "Simpsons" tattoo.

31.) Was once suspected of having juvenile diabetes, but it turned out he/she had just had too much candy that day.

32.) Got in trouble for looking at vaginal dye on his/her mother's computer at the age of 25. (That's mid-twenties.)

33.) Once spent an hour watching cervical exam videos on youtube.

34.) Created the fictional porn character "UV Ray" who doubly penetrates you in your V...and your U.

36 comments:

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

1.) Got so excited to claim his/her baggage that he/she fell onto the carousel and had to be rescued. b.) Chris

2.) Mistook a bouncer's "go to the end of the line" gesture as a "give me a bear hug" gesture outside a prominent nightclub in London. d.) Friend: Andrew of the Great Juno Debate

3.) Got so drunk before prom, he/she shat his/her prom clothes. d.) Chris' friend, who shall remain nameless. (And no, not Meg.)

4.) When an acquaintance referenced her autistic son, understanding "autistic" to mean "rambunctious", said, "Ooo! That must be quite a handful!" a.) Meg

5.) Tripped off a stool at work and accidentally yelled, "FUDGE-PACKER!" slightly louder than was appropriate. a.) Meg. Monday...

6.) Vomited profusely while actively being an altar server. b.) Chris

7.) Almost did it with a guy named "Jester". c.) Kevin Yang

8.) Actually did it with a guy named "Quentin". b.) Chris

9.) Was circumcised at age 8. b.) Chris

10.) Vomited into his/her own purse, fastened it shut and calmly put it on his/her lap like no one was the wiser. e.) MaDe It Up!!!1

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

11.) Was stopped by the police so they could check his/her car for an abducted child. b.) Chris

12.) Was broken up with via text message. Twice. b.) Chris

13.) Found out he/she was dumped via Facebook newsfeed. a.) Meg

14.) Has been eating edamame with its pod on for years. Was corrected at a dinner party. a.) Meg (I was so confused why everyone thought it was so delicious...)

15.) Was caught masturbating by his/her mom, who made a point of apologizing the next day. b.) Chris

16.) Was once so constipated his/her parents took him/her to the hospital, for fear that he/she had appendicitis. b.) Chris

17.) Once had diarrhea so badly his/her parents took him/her to the hospital for fear that he/she was dying. a.) Meg

18.) Was informed after he/she got off stage that his/her panties were showing during the National Honors Society Induction Ceremony. a.) Meg

19.) Actually purchased and is currently wearing SillyBandz. a.) Meg (But in my defense it's the asparagus because it's kind of badass. Or as badass as a SillyBandz can be. Don't talk to me.

20.) A Jonas Brothers song was their top jam "at a point not conveniently removed from the present." b.) Chris

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

21. ) Made a list of his/her interests in the Summer of 2006 and #10 was the Will Smith song "Switch" from the major motion picture Hitch. a.) Meg

22.) Was disqualified from a blog competition for being late and too racist. c.) Kevin Yang

23.) Attended a Beanie Baby convention at a local rec center. a.) Meg

24.) Once there, purchased the "In Memory of Princess Diana" bear and the limited edition panda. a.) Meg

25.) And even worse, bought collectible holders for them so they wouldn't get dusty. a.) Meg ...Sigh.

26.) Spent 7 hours on the phone one night talking about Kevin Yang. A, B and C. (Although truthfully the C is an assumption.)

27.) Was once in a local commercial for the WB. a.) Meg

28.) Once passed out on his/her girl scout trip to Savannah from having too much fun! a.) Meg (In the pool of a Howard Johnson.)

29.) Had/has a boyfriend who makes erotic collages. b.) Chris

30.) Has a locally recognized blog and a "Simpsons" tattoo. a.) Meg

2b1b: The sardonic voice of 20-somethings everywhere, Monday through Friday. said...

31.) Was once suspected of having juvenile diabetes, but it turned out he/she had just had too much candy that day. b.) Chris

32.) Got in trouble for looking at vaginal dye on his/her mother's computer at the age of 25. (That's mid-twenties.) a.) Meg (And for the record, I'm confident in the color of my situation. Chris and I were researching it for a possible 2b1b Investigates feature when we were staying at my parent's house. And man was Mrs. McBlogger pissed...)


33.) Once spent an hour watching cervical exam videos on youtube. A and B. Again, on my mother's computer. And we make no apologies; that doctor had a soothing voice and the phrase "bear down" is never not the funniest thing we've ever heard.

34.) Created the fictional porn character "UV Ray" who doubly penetrates you in your V...and your U. A and B. And U.

Ali said...

Hysterical post, Meg! (As usual). Props to Chris's dad for the idea. However, I disapprove of the Sillybandz. ;)

"33.) Once spent an hour watching cervical exam videos on youtube."

HAHAHA, I'm glad I'm not the only one who's done this! They're oddly fasicinating, and I agree that the gyno has a soothing voice which makes them all the more intriguing.

I'm going to stop right there, this is getting creepy...

Ashley R said...

Major points go to Chris' dad for thinking of this!

And I have to say, it almost surprises me that #9 is Chris. I just never know with this group of choices!

Stephanie said...

Kudos to Mr Tulane Chris, this post was excellleeennnnnt. I did a pretty decent job of guessing, does that mean I read this shit too much? Maybe, maybe not, I don't even care.

kay said...

Great quiz! I pretty much got all of them...I think?! You've got great parents! Cervical exam videos on youtube...there's something to do on Friday nights. =)

pook555 said...

Love this post as usual. And you're not alone on the edamame thing Meg, I had no idea how to eat it either (I thought they were like pea pods). And I googled sillybandz and they are quite adorable LOL! Plus, the Chris baggage thing is my nightmare (and that I'll wind up on the carousel trapped)...

Anonymous said...

How can people hate on SillyBandz?! My friends made fun of me...then got some of their own.

Meredith said...

This was awesome! Yay! I still want to know what the Simpsons tattoo is, though.

Also, 2birds1blog made it to the voting stage of WTOP's Best Local Blog competition. The voting ends on Thursday and the winner is announced Friday. Prince of Petworth is also in it, so let's make sure he doesn't win. Just make sure not to stuff the ballot box -- WTOP actually disqualifies people for that!

Go here and vote:

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=812&sid=2006632

Anonymous said...

In reference to #19...I think your asparagus might actually be a paintbrush. Sorr.

Andrew said...

Man I read you guys religiously and still only got 14/30! I'll for real study if you make it so we can actually take the quiz online and give a free 2b1b sticker to whoever gets them all right the fastest.

cassie said...

I avoided edamame for years because I didn't know how to eat it.

Also, this was hilarious. Getting snarky looks from all over the office because I was doing that half-laugh, half-snort thing. At 8:30 in the morning. Oh well.

Leigh said...

I thought I was the only person who vomited while altar serving... I think they eventually gently asked me not to return, and my parents were convinced I was the spawn of Satan.

jen said...

2b1b is losing wtop's poll, http://www.wtop.com/?nid=812&sid=2006632

Start voting!

Michelle said...

Oh good lord! Japer's Rink and Fairfax Underground are in the lead in the WTOP poll. Seriously?! I mean...seriously!

Come on people, we need to rep the awesomeness of this blog!

http://www.wtop.com/?nid=812&sid=2006632

Melody said...

I'm totally hooked on Silly Bandz. I actually traded with my 40-something boss just yesterday...

Anonymous said...

"Pug says 'Batman' when it barks" http://abcnews.go.com/US/video/pug-batman-barks-11204444

Anonymous said...

I totes did number 23-25, in fact I think the princess diana bear and my irish O'fortune the bear are still in their protective boxes in my childhood room as we speak...

Anonymous said...

sorr abou the band...your asparagas is totally a paintbrush meg

https://brainchild.bcplabs.net/product-details.php?prod_id=468

Molly Malone said...

I think I actually managed to get most of those!

jake said...

HOLD THE PHONE.

9.) Was circumcised at age 8. b.) Chris

Circumcision can't be lumped together with the other LOLZ questions. Why? What in God's name made chris' parents wait till the ripe age of 8 to get poor him circumcised.

Even scarier no other comments have been brought up how insane this sounds.

Anonymous said...

this has nothing to do with todays post i just thought i'd share.. my friend's ASSHOLE ex-boyfriend failed the bar exam the other day -- wah for him (KARMA). he's really upset about it, but i just had one thing to say...

SORR ABOUT THE BAR.

Anonymous said...

Um, yeah. Can we get a post about Chris's circumcision at age 8?

Laylapalooza said...

I saw Bible-themed silly bandz at the Food Lion today. Scary.

flwrjane said...

Just laughed till i cried, I'm still wiping away tears.

Of course I rushed over and voted for you. Why is it even a contest?

Rammi said...

"...design a croissant that looks like Jesus, put it on a t-shirt that says, "Christ on a Croissant: HE IS RISEN!", and sell it in our store for top dollar. (Side note: this just happened"

I didn't read anything below that, but I did click onto your store because, by "this just happened," I thought you meant you had created the t-shirt, and this meant I was going to part with money that actually belongs to the bank to get one.

Way to crush my dreams there. :(

Anonymous said...

^ I did the exact same thing, Rammi. :(

Meg, you should totally make that shirt. It's an hysterical idea, and I'd definitely buy one.

Anonymous said...

Awesome quiz, I hope that when I go to the zoo soon, the flamingos will have color that shines as bright as your ability to make people laugh and make then aroused at the same time. No homo, Ha Bisky.

Ali said...

just for the record, #16 happened to me too. and now I don't feel quite so alone.

Anonymous said...

I would like to exchange links with your site www.blogger.com
Is this possible?

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