...I can honestly say that that's one of the homelier things that's ever escaped my mouth. And I guess it didn't help that I was in a "house dress" and eating Chipotle in bed when I said it. But, I digress.
When people who read the blog meet me for the first time, they typically ask the same three questions:
2.) Are all those stories real? (Yes. Sadly. For me.)
3.) Isn't it awkward that your parents read the blog?
The last answer is surprisingly, no. Which I think is mostly because I choose not to acknowledge the fact that they read the blog or else all of my entries would be about paying my bills on time, random acts of kindness and my faith in abstinence. (Instead of diarrhea, poverty and accidental abstinence.) I also think it's not awkward because despite being readers, my parents are actually fans. (Which are few and far between these days, so I'll take what I can get.) Well, technically my mom is a reader and a fan; my dad is just a fan. The only entry he's ever read is the one that his boss read aloud to him on a business trip, which is actually the most awkward scenario I can humanly think of, but I think he said he liked it? This is also the boss, mind you, who ducked into his office to inform him that he just saw on Twitter that I'd been fired. Again, I take my fans where I can get 'em.
Our newest biggest fan is Chris' dad. He thinks the blog is well-written, despite being quote, "a little uncomfortable." Every time Chris tells his dad about something, he immediately tells him to blog about it. Likewise, my dad thinks that I should design a croissant that looks like Jesus, put it on a t-shirt that says, "Christ on a Croissant: HE IS RISEN!", and sell it in our store for top dollar. (Side note: this just happened:
Chris: We have good parents.
Meg: I know. It's obnoxious, right?
Chris: Don't you wish you had worse parents so we could blame our feelings on them?
Meg: Yeah. I just blame my feelings on a chemical imbalance instead. What about you?
Chris: [long pause]...Diarrhea?
...We are 12-years-old. And I make no apologies for it. Moving on.)
Not only do our parents put the fun back in financial dependence, they also come up with really good ideas for posts. One day Chris' dad (a prominent academic who works for a children's charity in his spare time) emailed Chris out of the blue suggesting that we "do a blog on embarrassing things that have happened and the readers pick: a.) It happened to Meg; b.) It happened to Chris; c.) It happened to Kevin Yang; d.) It happened to a friend or e.) Made it up."
And frankly, we kind of liked it. Thus, we present to you: OH SHIT: A Quiz! (A Chris' Dad Production.)
Who was humiliated? Multiple Choice:
c.) Kevin Yang
d.) A Friend
or e.) We made it up
Keep score at home and click "comments" to see the answers. Good luck!
1.) Got so excited to claim his/her baggage that he/she fell onto the carousel and had to be rescued.
2.) Mistook a bouncer's "go to the end of the line" gesture as a "give me a bear hug" gesture outside a prominent nightclub in London.
3.) Got so drunk before prom, he/she shat his/her prom clothes.
4.) When an acquaintance referenced her autistic son, understanding "autistic" to mean "rambunctious", said, "Ooo! That must be quite a handful!"
5.) Tripped off a stool at work and accidentally yelled, "FUDGE-PACKER!" slightly louder than was appropriate.
6.) Vomited profusely while actively being an altar server.
7.) Almost did it with a guy named "Jester".
8.) Actually did it with a guy named "Quentin".
9.) Was circumcised at age 8.
10.) Vomited into his/her own purse, fastened it shut and calmly put it on his/her lap like no one was the wiser.
11.) Was stopped by the police so they could check his/her car for an abducted child.
12.) Was broken up with via text message. Twice.
13.) Found out he/she was dumped via Facebook newsfeed.
14.) Has been eating edamame with its pod on for years. Was corrected at a dinner party.
15.) Was caught masturbating by his/her mom, who made a point of apologizing the next day.
16.) Was once so constipated his/her parents took him/her to the hospital, for fear that he/she had appendicitis.
17.) Once had diarrhea so badly his/her parents took him/her to the hospital for fear that he/she was dying.
18.) Was informed after he/she got off stage that his/her underwear was showing during the National Honors Society Induction Ceremony.
19.) Actually purchased and is currently wearing SillyBandz.
20.) A Jonas Brothers song was their top jam "at a point not conveniently removed from the present."
21. ) Made a list of his/her interests in the Summer of 2006 and #10 was the Will Smith song "Switch" from the major motion picture Hitch.
22.) Was disqualified from a blog competition for being late and too racist.
23.) Attended a Beanie Baby convention at a local rec center.
24.) Once there, purchased the "In Memory of Princess Diana" bear and the limited edition panda.
25.) And even worse, bought collectible holders for them so they wouldn't get dusty.
26.) Spent 7 hours on the phone one night talking about Kevin Yang.
27.) Was once in a local commercial for the WB.
28.) Once passed out on his/her girl scout trip to Savannah from having too much fun!
29.) Had/has a boyfriend who makes erotic collages.
30.) Has a locally recognized blog and a "Simpsons" tattoo.
31.) Was once suspected of having juvenile diabetes, but it turned out he/she had just had too much candy that day.
32.) Got in trouble for looking at vaginal dye on his/her mother's computer at the age of 25. (That's mid-twenties.)
33.) Once spent an hour watching cervical exam videos on youtube.
34.) Created the fictional porn character "UV Ray" who doubly penetrates you in your V...and your U.